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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband said he would quit smoking

73 replies

jophie80 · 03/02/2020 06:18

My husband has a low sperm count. We found out 4 years ago and when that happened he didn't speak to me about the issue for 2 years. Slowly he started to open up and was willing to talk. Now in late 2019, he said he would stop all smocking (recommended by the doctor).
I am 39 and he is 34.
Yesterday, after not smocking for 1 month, he told me he wanted to start smocking again because he is stressed at work, but said that he would only smoke occasionally and not go back to his daily habit of 15 cigarettes per day.
Now I feel terrible because I feel like he is not making a full commitment to our joint decision to try and have a baby. I am upset because the doctor said that if he stopped smocking for 3 months we could check his sperm again to see if not smocking improved his fertility.
So by saying he would occasionally smoke I feel like he is go back on his word to quit. Last night we had a terrible fight, and I called him selfish, and he said I was being unreasonable. I am 40 this year and more importantly just feel like I am living in limbo waiting for dear husband. To give some context I am also a trailing spouse, and for the past 4 years we have lived in 3 different countries, as he pursues his career and I am at home occasionally doing some free-lance work.
AIBU when I say it is not cool for him to start smocking occasionally?

OP posts:
joystir59 · 03/02/2020 06:20

Smocking?

Redwoodmaz · 03/02/2020 06:21

You mean 'smoking' OP!

Naomh · 03/02/2020 06:21

Maybe he could take up quilting instead. Or macramé.

Original poster
jophie80 · 03/02/2020 06:21

Yes good point I spelt it wrong, haven't slept all night and have been crying. I mean he is Smoking cigarettes and cannabis

OP posts:
TanteRose · 03/02/2020 06:23

joy really? you thought the OP's husband was doing some needlework? Hmm

OP, maybe you can try and persuade you DH to find another way to beat the stress of work - try running/swimming/walking together

Shoxfordian · 03/02/2020 06:27

It doesn't sound like he's as committed to having a baby as you are. Would you stay with him if you don't ever have children?

EmpressLangClegInChair · 03/02/2020 06:27

OP, I’m so sorry - no personal experience but this sounds really tough for you. It might be worth reporting your post & asking MNHQ to change smocking to smoking. On a serious thread the last thing you need is a lot of crafting jokes from people who’ve only skimmed your first post.

DonKeyshot · 03/02/2020 06:30

My mind boggled when I read your title, jophie, and I was fully expecting to advise you to hide all needles and thread so that he couldn't indulge in any more smocking. Grin

Thanks for the laugh - I needed it at this time in the morning.

Unfortunately your h is addicted to tobacco and, more pertinently, cannabis and it can be very hard to quit.

Will he consider using nicotine patches/gum or other quit smoking aids or a session or two of hypnosis?

Flufferbum · 03/02/2020 06:37

I couldn’t help but laugh! Smocking!

Bouncebacker · 03/02/2020 06:38

This is not someone you want to have a baby with (sorry to be that person) - but if you didn’t talk about his low sperm count for two years....? That’s not the kind of relationship that I would want to bring a baby into

spongejack · 03/02/2020 06:43

Two years to even discuss this? Now he wants to quit quitting? I'd be very angry with all of that. I don't think he's committed enough, sorry. But not a lot you can do, if he wants to restart he will. Did your crying all night not make him realise he was hurting you?

AJPTaylor · 03/02/2020 06:51

It's fear of failure. If he quits and in 3 months time he still has a low count what happens? No doubt in his head this way he can blame stress and smoking.
You need to find out the alternatives to overcome the issue.

NoSauce · 03/02/2020 06:52

This reply has been deleted

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HumphreyCobblers · 03/02/2020 06:59

Ffs you lot, why not have a laugh at a person obviously in some distress?

Sorry OP, it sounds really stressful.

Original poster
jophie80 · 03/02/2020 06:59

I was crying all night because I just felt let down and frustrated. He ignored me and said that when I cry I am just being manipulative.
And I am upset because he tells me it's only one time and that he is committed to stop smoking. He says I am being emotional and unreasonable and that i should just accept it (the smoking). I am more angry because he just keeps saying the same thing it will only be occasional use.

OP posts:
Nquartz · 03/02/2020 07:03

@Bouncebacker is right, you really don't want to have a baby with someone so uncommunicative, especially if you end up going through IVF as it will put such a strain on the relationship.

and please don't just stay with him because it is your only chance to have a baby (google the sunk costs fallacy) because chances are you won't have a baby & end up splitting anyway.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2020 07:04

Well, there's some insensitive knobs around early this morning!

OP, he can't talk to you about really important stuff and he smokes weed and won't stop for a pretty important reason.

Is this the father you want for your children?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 07:06

OP are you sure he wants children?

Does he want to start smoking both cigarettes and cannabis again or just normal cigarettes?

I think at the end of the day he is an adult who can make his own decisions and needs to decide what his priority is.

Could he speak to the doctor about some Stop Smoking help?

Alternatively could he agree to stop for the whole 3 months, then if it hasn't helped his fertility he can start again and if it has he stops long term?

Original poster
jophie80 · 03/02/2020 07:09

He really want to have kids, and well if it was possible we would have some by now. That is not in question. but he just doesn't want to change his life to have a kid, he told me this several years ago. Yesterday I said he was being selfish (my doctor said this to me) and well he said if that was the way I felt, that his behaviour for the past few years was selfish then I should just leave him.

OP posts:
maddening · 03/02/2020 07:11

Tell him of he start smoking then you will need to use a sperm donor.

Original poster
jophie80 · 03/02/2020 07:13

He wants to smoke cannabis this week. In the past when he did that it would be coming home from work at 4pm and smoking the rest of the afternoon till late in the evening.
We live in a foreign country and when he smokes he just stays in the house watching TV and becomes a hermit, I was the one who went out and made new friends and created a social life. I am not exactly extrovert so it was hard doing it alone this part 18 months.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/02/2020 07:17

He doesn't want to change his life so don't expect him to do any actual parenting or anything inconvenient if you had a baby

He doesn't sound like a good partner for you

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 07:17

he just doesn't want to change his life to have a kid

You know this means you'd end up doing everything if you do have a child, don't you?

I wouldn't have a child with someone who smokes cannabis. You couldn't trust him to look after the child while he's high.

He is selfish but it sounds like he wants to smoke more than he wants a child.

coconuttelegraph · 03/02/2020 07:18

Smocking or smoking he doesn't sound like parent material

Sosososotired · 03/02/2020 07:19

What are his good points? No way would I want to have a child with someone who sits around for hours smoking cannabis. He won’t change, and this is just showing you his lack of commitment to his family. I’d honestly leave him and seek out alternatives. I’m sorry your going through this!