Husband said he would quit smoking

[jophie80]

My husband has a low sperm count. We found out 4 years ago and when that happened he didn't speak to me about the issue for 2 years. Slowly he started to open up and was willing to talk. Now in late 2019, he said he would stop all smocking (recommended by the doctor).
I am 39 and he is 34.
Yesterday, after not smocking for 1 month, he told me he wanted to start smocking again because he is stressed at work, but said that he would only smoke occasionally and not go back to his daily habit of 15 cigarettes per day.
Now I feel terrible because I feel like he is not making a full commitment to our joint decision to try and have a baby. I am upset because the doctor said that if he stopped smocking for 3 months we could check his sperm again to see if not smocking improved his fertility.
So by saying he would occasionally smoke I feel like he is go back on his word to quit. Last night we had a terrible fight, and I called him selfish, and he said I was being unreasonable. I am 40 this year and more importantly just feel like I am living in limbo waiting for dear husband. To give some context I am also a trailing spouse, and for the past 4 years we have lived in 3 different countries, as he pursues his career and I am at home occasionally doing some free-lance work.
AIBU when I say it is not cool for him to start smocking occasionally?

Now I won’t fuck off NannyOgg.

GiveHerHell Well, she's booked a hotel room. Only an hour after she first posted with her asking us if it's AIBU to say to him it's not cool to smoke occasionally.

Missed the bit where you say you're moving into a hotel.

Have you family/friends in RL where you are now that you can turn to for support?
Also suggest that you make sure you've locked down any bank accounts so DH can't empty them or transfer money to an account he can't access so he can't use finances as a way to control you.
Take your passport and any other documentation so you can return to your home country.

He really want to have kids

No he doesn't. And you know it

@NoSauce

I think you meant 'No'...

Sorry @MumW

OP - what are your living arrangements? Did you move abroad for his job or is it his country? Be very careful not to get stuck there.

MumW I take it you’re confused with the word troll. Silly.

We've changed the title for you OP! Please note everyone that we do delete grammar policing as it's against TG.

You need to get rid of him. Make a new life for yourself, you've done far too much for him.

If you really want a baby right now, sperm donors are far less hassle than the idiot you've put your life on hold for. It sounds like your relationship would have ended sooner or later, so if you had a baby together you'd have ended up as a single parent anyway.

OP if he doesn't want to change his life for a baby he isn't ready to be a father. Read our posts back to yourself regarding the communication, accusing you of being manipulative, what his life becomes when he is stoned- think what you would advise a friend in your situation. He's not the man you need (and deserve) him to be, I'm sorry.

* YOUR posts, not "our" posts, apologies.

I wouldn't have a child with a smoker of nicotine.

The fact you now say he also smokes illegal drugs makes me 100% sure I wouldn't be having a child with him!

Please note everyone that we do delete grammar policing as it's against TG

I don't want to be accused of policing the TG @gloriamumsnet but for the first time for a long time I've had a look at them and I can't see where it says anything about grammar. Maybe if it was mentioned posters would be clear that it isn't allowed, I certainly didn't know that and I've not noticed such posts being deleted.

@coconuttelegraph I assume it comes under 'being deliberately inflammatory' which I don't think it necessarily always is, but definitely has been in this case

Thanks @GiveHerHellFromUs who knew it was such a serious matter

@coconuttelegraph I know! I did see an AIBU this morning where the OP specially posted about poor grammar being picked up on, whilst using really poor grammar.

I restrained myself but many weren't able to and none of them have been deleted!

I’m sorry to see that your thread was derailed by some gobshites posting about spelling

OP at 39, I would take matters into your own hands, and start researching your other options eg sperm donation. It sounds like he is being selfish - you’ll resent him more and more as time goes on - can you imagine another 40+ years with someone who hindered you having a child. Obviously there’s no guarantee with using a sperm donor, but at least you’ll know that you tried everything, which may help you to come to terms with things in the long run.

Sending you

OP The bottom line is that you know you don't have much time, if he's not prepared to do what it takes then your decision was always going to be between remaining childless or leaving the relationship. It sounds like you have far more chance of having and raising a healthy and happy child without him than you do with him.

Fertility aside, there are other issues in the relationship. There are elements of DARVO here. He's trying to turn things around so that it's not his smoking that's the problem but you not being supportive enough. So it's your fault somehow.

From the comfort of your hotel room I suggest you seriously consider other aspects of the relationship. Is he emotionally abusive in other areas, because it sounds like he could be.

Either way, I really hope you stick with your decision to leave as it doesn't sound like you're going to get much out of your marriage going forward.

Pisstakers If the OP was "DH said he would quit smocking and I've just had a crafty fag" then the pisstaking wouldn't be quite so out of place.

As it is, the OP desperately wants a child, and her DH is behaving like a complete nob. She may have posted in AIBU but she is clearly in need of support. Is it really necessary that some have been so mean?

Be supportive or close the thread and move on FFS.

Correcting someone’s grammar does not make you intelligent. Quite the opposite, it shows a lack of emotional intelligence.

Anyway, I’m sorry OP but I don’t think he wants children. If you were desperate to have children and somebody told you the only way you possibly might is to stop smoking, you’d stop in a heartbeat. He hasn’t even really tried to stop, that and smoking cannabis which makes everything so much worse. Google sperm DNA damage, long term cannabis use can cause this.

I think your best bet is to leave that twat and use a sperm donor at your age.

First of all thank you for changing the spelling.

Last night we were in a hotel room, because I am here on his business trip to Cambodia. We only moved last year in December to Indonesia and well in order to obtain our resident permits for Indonesia we had to leave and then re-enter the country of Indonesia.
We previously lived in Cambodia.
I left our hotel room this lunch time because I felt too claustrophobic and needed space, my hotel is like £25 per night, hardly an extravagance. I have 2 close friends here in Cambodia and already made plans to meet one of them tonight.
I just feel a bit like a failure right now, and well also not in control of my life.
Thank you for your replies I just needed someone to talk to, as my 2 friends are both at work and well my London friends are also busy with their lives and I just felt so alone this AM with my feelings.

Oh @jophie80 that's a very sad update, you've got so many decisions to make. Life is tough for you at the moment, do talk to your friends.

His Indonesian work contract is for 1 year right now, but he already has a promotion lined up for 2021 to become the regional director for SE Asia, and so wants to stay in Indonesia for another 3 or so years from 2021. I am just feeling a bit trapped, lonely and thinking maybe quitting this relationship might be better than trying to make things work. Last night, his want/need to smoke just hit a raw nerve. Been together for 7 years, and well it hasn't been easy. I first moved to his home town (in Europe) in 2015, we lived there for 2 years and he was not very supportive back then; I felt lonely you see, as I was working from home and needed to interact with people, but he told me that he wasn't responsible for me and I needed to find my own friends, a bit tricky as I didn't speak the language and was not working in the town where we lived but instead completing the write up of my thesis (degree was based in a Uni in London). Luckily I found a wonderful friend who gave me emotional support, friendship and introduced me to new people, so I had a social life in the end. Moved to Cambodia in 2018, first year was okay, we had mutual friends, some he had made during his first 2 months before i had arrived. Sadly, and very suddenly just a year later, most of them left in the same month, and I had to look for a new social group. He wasn't interested in making new friends and so I just went out on my own, and found some women's groups and well made some good friends in the end, and some of them we both ended up spending time with. It was in Cambodia that he eventually came round to the idea of checking his sperm again and going to a fertility clinic, the news was a little better than what the doctor had told him in Europe. But he left it at that and well we then spent another year just putting it on the back burner. He said work was stressing him out and he needed the smoking to cope. He also said he was worried he had ADHD and if stopped smoking the ADHD would get worse. In the end he got tested for ADHD and the doctor said he didn't have it (although his father has ADHD). But he still wasn't willing to quit. When I heard about the move to Indonesia in October 2019, that is when I gave him an ultimatum and said either he wanted to create I shared vision for our future together which involved children, eating regular meals together, and being more active outdoors, or I was leaving and would not follow him to Indonesia. SO he said he would quit smoking. Indonesia has tough laws on drugs so dope smoking would be a bit tricky, since any issues with the law might cause him to get deported and therefore loose his job. In first week of Jan 2020 he stopped cigarette smoking and cannabis. Now we are here in Cambodia well you know the rest.

Well, you've made huge sacrifices for him, you've had talks and you've given him an ultimatum, he's made promises and is now trying to go back on them.

Even if he won't respect you, you must respect and protect yourself.