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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband said he would quit smoking

73 replies

jophie80 · 03/02/2020 06:18

My husband has a low sperm count. We found out 4 years ago and when that happened he didn't speak to me about the issue for 2 years. Slowly he started to open up and was willing to talk. Now in late 2019, he said he would stop all smocking (recommended by the doctor).
I am 39 and he is 34.
Yesterday, after not smocking for 1 month, he told me he wanted to start smocking again because he is stressed at work, but said that he would only smoke occasionally and not go back to his daily habit of 15 cigarettes per day.
Now I feel terrible because I feel like he is not making a full commitment to our joint decision to try and have a baby. I am upset because the doctor said that if he stopped smocking for 3 months we could check his sperm again to see if not smocking improved his fertility.
So by saying he would occasionally smoke I feel like he is go back on his word to quit. Last night we had a terrible fight, and I called him selfish, and he said I was being unreasonable. I am 40 this year and more importantly just feel like I am living in limbo waiting for dear husband. To give some context I am also a trailing spouse, and for the past 4 years we have lived in 3 different countries, as he pursues his career and I am at home occasionally doing some free-lance work.
AIBU when I say it is not cool for him to start smocking occasionally?

OP posts:
Original poster
jophie80 · 03/02/2020 07:20

i am upset because i feel like I just wasted 7 years of my life with this guy. I feel let down. And we just moved to a new country and I don't have a job (short term contract back in London but that's all) and I feel scared to start a new life. I put my work on hold because he got offered a great promotion. I didn't think I would put my career on hold but it hasn't been easy to find work in my field of science where we live.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/02/2020 07:21

So why do you want to have children with this man? Why do you want to stay?

Is it his home country?

You do realise if you have children there you'll be stuck?

ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother · 03/02/2020 07:24

NoSauce

NoSauce
Your thread from 2018 had “smocking” in it
omg you looked up previous threads of hers and comment that she has misspelt smoking in 2018..... Get a life 🤣

SallyWD · 03/02/2020 07:26

OK OP can't spell smoking. So what? The point has been made. Is it appropriate to keep laughing at her when she's very upset? OP you can't make him quit. I say this as someone who's ex was an alcoholic. You have to decide whether you want to stay or leave.

Wickedwoo · 03/02/2020 07:29

Buy him a vape see if that helps his cravings

Cmagic7 · 03/02/2020 07:29

I feel for you OP. But I also know the giving up both weed and tobacco is hard if you're dependent on it. Is there any way you can just get him to commit to the 3 months? Buy a big calendar where he can cross off days with a marker and say after that you can see if it's made a difference. Tell him that after all, if you become pregnant, you'll be tee total for 9 months, this is the least he can do. He might find he enjoys being sober more than he thought he would. Speaking from experience, tobacco addiction drives weed smoking because then you're having a 'joint' not a 'cigarette' so it doesn't count, right? Then the weed smoking leads to apathy and a low level depression that takes away your strength to make changes.

SW16 · 03/02/2020 07:30

OP, this sounds really painful, of course you are upset.

If having a child is more important to you than anything, then use as perm donor. With or without your DH.

He is incredibly self centred and as a trailing spouse you are very vulnerable having put your own career in hold to support his.

I am worried about the 2 years he didn’t talk to you about his low sperm count.

Has he had counselling? Would couples counselling help as a safe arena to tell him how you feel?

Original poster
jophie80 · 03/02/2020 07:31

SallyWD yes I am at that point now, when I feel like enough is enough. He gets so angry with me during and cold and distant when we argue, maybe it is normal but I have never argued with a partner who was so cold with me during the argument. And he never is the one to make up after we fight, I always have to be the peace maker. Anyway that is a separate issue. Just booked a hotel room, I am moving out. Can't deal with the situation. Because he just keeps telling me he is committed and that I am being over the top!

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 03/02/2020 07:32

@NoSauce and?!

Fairylea · 03/02/2020 07:34

Can’t believe people are being such arseholes to pull you up on your spelling. Angry Totally irrelevant! It’s not as if you can’t understand the op!

Op he doesn’t sound mature enough to want a child if he’s prioritising smoking - especially cannabis. I wouldn’t ttc in this situation.

Original poster
jophie80 · 03/02/2020 07:35

He have tried to get us into couples counselling for several years, he doesn't want to go. I have had counselling and it has helped during our fights. Right now he is saying I am making him feel bad and I am not being supportive enough of his stopping cigarette smoking. And that he doesn't want to be with someone who makes him feel like a horrible person.

OP posts:
Bipbipbipbip · 03/02/2020 07:35

So he can discuss his need to start smoking again but not about his fertility?

You need to think about what's best for you and what to do. He doesn't seem to have many redeeming qualities and if you do really want to have children you need to do something asap.

NoSauce · 03/02/2020 07:36

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Fairylea · 03/02/2020 07:40

@NoSauce yes how awful that the op hasn’t learnt from her mistake HmmHmm how dare she... it’s not as if she has bigger things to worry about or maybe doesn’t use the word that often to worry about it!

TheMaddHugger · 03/02/2020 07:43

((((Hugs)))) OP. You don't deserve all the supposed humour posts about your spelling. Dyslexic here.

It's a serious situation. and Mocking you is terrible behaviour

Patchworksack · 03/02/2020 07:49

I don't think he wants children, sorry. He has wasted years knowing your fertility is declining not even willing to discuss it, and now he wants to smoke more than he wants to resolve this. Because it is an addiction it's likely he won't be able to 'cut down'.
Have you had fertility testing to get some idea what your egg reserve is? Would you consider trying to get pregnant with donor sperm, either with his blessing or on your own?

Ginfordinner · 03/02/2020 08:14

I’m so sorry jophie80. He sounds selfish and like he doesn’t really care about you
There are too many read flags here:

  1. He didn’t address the low sperm count issues for two years
  2. He wants to smoke again because he doesn’t really want a child
  3. He smokes weed and is useless for the rest of the day
  4. He has made you give up your career to follow him abroad for his work
  5. He won’t accept responsibility for his decisions and blames everything on you
  6. He says he wants children because that is what you want to hear, but doesn’t really mean it
  7. He expects you to run around after him and “give in” when you have had a fight, because I’ll bet that he is never the one in the wrong
  8. He won’t entertain counselling because he doesn’t want someone else to point out that he is at fault

If you did have a child with him he won’t be the loving, devoted father you want him to be. I think you have made the right decision to reconsider your future with him.
I would advise not having a child with him – with his sperm or donor sperm because he will become more controlling and isolate you even more.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2020 08:25

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chocolatemademefat · 03/02/2020 08:30

Sorry op. Your problems are bad enough without being ridiculed by the bitch collective on here. I’d find another board to post this on.

ShatnersWig · 03/02/2020 08:31

In the rush to beat NoSauce to death for daring to do an Advanced Search while the spelling may not be relevant I think the fact that the OP had an almost identical post 14 months ago is very relevant to the discussion.

Everyone made the same sorts of comments but nothing has changed. He's clearly not going to change. It's time for the OP to shit or get off the pot - she's 39.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 08:33

@ShatnersWig well considering an hour ago she said she's leaving him I think she has, indeed, got off the pot.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 08:34

Or shit, whichever way round it works Grin

lowlandLucky · 03/02/2020 08:38

OP Flowers He has already told you he doesnt want to change his life. hope you find the life you are seeking

SW16 · 03/02/2020 08:40

OP, you being the one to always make up is very much part of the story. And once again he is making it all about him and blaming you.

You can’t live like that so well done in moving to a hotel.

MumW · 03/02/2020 08:54

Everything you've said here would be screaming LTB to me.

He's not going to cope with a baby if he has to turn to smoking at the first hint of stress.

Personally, refusing to discuss the issue and not trying to give up smoking as soon as it was suggested would have been the deal breaker for me and I wouldn't have still been here 2 years later - even more so given your age.