Petrified about sleep when baby comes

[mytypeonpaper]

So we're planning to start trying for a baby soon and I'm just petrified about the lack of sleep! If I don't get 8 hours I'm a mess I usually average about 9 hours a night. Our friends have just had to a baby and he's 4 months old now and just dosent sleep! How do you function!? Please tell me it's not going to be as bad as I think 🙈 I know all babies are different but how much sleep did you average when they're small?

It's not as horrendous as it seems from the outside. I found energy I didn't even know I had, and the ability to function on very little sleep. How you sleep changes once they are here (or at least that was my experience). Just remember that it's not forever. My DS was a horrendous sleeper between months 2 and 6. My eyeballs physically hurt after on some days. The best advice I can give is the old cliche "sleep when they sleep". Even a short nap can work wonders. Get groceries delivered. Leave the cleaning or ask for help from your support network, if you have one. Best of luck OP.

It's not just the total amount of sleep, it's that you only get it in short chunks - even if you're managing to get six or seven hours in a 24 hour period, if it's broken up into one or two hours at a time, that's not enough to get into deep sleep.

Agree with your partner that you will each get one lie in per week. That way, you will at least be able to get some actual deep sleep, which is when important healing and brain function can take place.

Don't let him weasel out of it, or pretend that he doesn't know what to do, or that only you can calm the baby, or that suddenly his job is so big and important that he is the only one who needs sleep. Sorry to sound harsh but I've seen it so many, many times - the man talks a good fight about sharing the parenting, but then when it comes down to it, he decides its actually a woman's job. Insist on one lie in a week, and don't back down.

I have to say, it’s hard. Ds slept beautifully for the first 5 months (despite getting up for night feeds). He’s now 13 months and still wakes and needs to be re-settled about 4-5 times a night for no real reason. It’s not something you suddenly just start doing, it’s something you adjust to. I never thought I’d be able to cope with such little sleep but I’m still here!

You might have a good sleeper. I have friends who’s babies have slept through from 8 weeks! But don’t fool yourself, it’s pure luck.

Aha, but there are ways you can deal with this relatively easily.

I get horrendous migraines that knock me out for weeks at a time if I don't get enough sleep. It's my main trigger.

I dealt with this by:

• Not putting little ones to bed too early if they're not tired (once you've fought the battle they'll only wake up during the night or super early in the morning!)

• Bedsharing/breastfeeding - if they woke up I could attach them to a boob and not even have to get up out of bed

• If they struggled to drop off to sleep then cuddle them 'spooning style' and then use the 'hug n roll' method to slink away. Spooning works because the body needs to switch everything off completely to go into a sleep state but if you have a wiggly child then spinning works a bit like a cuddly straitjacket! You don't need to hold them tightly or anything, it's just comforting and stops them moving. When you feel them physically relax you'll find that within seconds they'll fall asleep.

I don't know if these things work for everyone but they certainly did for us. Having the children in bed was the best thing we could have done - it was a comfort to them that we were there with them and quite honestly I think it helped train them to sleep right through the night, which they've done since they were tiny. It was no problem moving them into their own beds either when it was time for then to have their own rooms.

I'm sure plenty of people will think we're nuts but there are no right or wrong answers in parenting and you have to find what works best for you. If sleep is your goal though then please be assured that it is doable!

The worst part is when they are 2 or 3 and you are at work and no one considers you to be someone with a baby or suffering with sleep deprivation when you got fewer than three hours the previous night and haven’t had a full night in literally years.

My son woke up through the night every 2 hours for a feed, but it wasn't that bad as I could nap with him in the day.
I then had my daughter when my son was 18 months old and she never slept.
Well, she did but it would be around 4am she would finally fall asleep, then my son would be up around 6.30am.
Around the 8th week I broke and sobbed and I was beyond exhausted. . But I got through it.
Pregnant with my 3rd and I'm not looking forward to the lack of sleep but you get through it and it does get better... depends on the child when it gets better but it does.
You just learn to power through because you have to.

My first was a great sleeper. I was so smug. My second was raging nightmare and I could frequently be found sobbing "what have I done???" at the wall/cat/kindly strangers.

Put DC1 in nursery for half days and just did my best to catch micro naps when DC2 did. It was rough. I fared better working waking nights and only getting 3 hours daytime sleep when DC2 started playgroup than when they were an infant.

It’s like Japanese torture.

My first was shit. And when she was supposedly sleeping she made so many noises, like a noisy snuffling pig. It’s like she never went flat out so I was always hyper alert wondering when she was going to wake next.

I started hallucinating with sleep deprivation at one point (I was a single parent) and I’d spent many years clubbing for days on end but this was a whole new level of awful.

I don’t think it helped that she was a winter baby so the nights were endless.

"Any tips on getting them to sleep well?"

Our baby would've slept through from birth for probably the first couple of weeks if we'd have let him! Babies aren't meant to go for hours and hours without feeding in the very early days so we had to set alarms on our phones and physically wake baby for feeds. No-one warned us about this!! From week 2 onwards he started waking and 'demanding'.

Also waking in the night is part of how babies develop normally. So you may need to redefine your idea of 'sleeping well'. A young baby waking frequently at night might be seen to be 'sleeping badly' by some but is actually doing everything right - keeping a full tummy and being close to mummy. It just took me so long to get my head around this because I couldn't accept that something that was going so well for the baby was so physically hideous for me if that makes sense!

It gets easier as they get older and they're all so different

I have two children. Both sleepers. Nothing to do with anything I did, just luck. Though when I tried co-sleeping with DS he kicked me out of bed.

If I had my time over again, I'd make sure I chose a partner that pulled their weight. I chose to BF all of mine, but he was horribly unhelpful during the nights, and our 1st was spectacularly bad at sleeping. I kind of expected it with the others so didn't feel as resentful.

It's hard, never feels like it's ending, and to an extent, you never get that blissful uninterrupted sleep ever again because you've got one ear permanently on alert to hear noise from them.

There are so many threads on here from broken women getting no help and support, and too many of us not only tolerate it, we enable it. I'd be a much wiser parent with what I know now.

For me i coped by thinking that the baby only wakes to have a need met, whether a bottle, a cuddle, a burp, a nappy etc. I also ended up enjoying the cuddles of a sleepy baby and thought of it as 'secret cuddles', helps me thru even now and by child is 2! I also caught up on netflix with earphones in.
Make sure you have warm pyjamas or blanket for you tho, and a comfy chair, i found it miserable when i was cold.
Be prepared that even when your baby is asleep you may lie awake listening out for them or enjoy listening to them breathe and sleep.

If you got a supportive partner who can share the sleepless nights that's half the hurdle done. My DH was (is) brilliant at getting up at night but we both recognise when the other has had enough and to lighten the load (aka sleep in the spare room). That's not to say we haven't had our fair share of tired arguments. I always wondered (before I had a baby) how couples split within a year of having a baby but I completely get it now.

My theory is that when the baby is first born you are on such a high that the sleepless nights don't matter. Then you just become used to waking in the night. When DC started sleeping longer I used to wake up and check they were breathing. Then, as time goes on they sleep longer and longer and it becomes luxury when they are only waking once in the night.

It does get frustrating when they don't sleep but I love my DC with all my heart and they make the sleepless nights worth it. I do sometimes find myself repeating "he won't be waking for a bottle when he's 18, it won't last forever"

Obviously sleep is a big consideration but if you have a supportive partner who is also logistically able to help and a decent amount of time off work then It should be bearable. Obvs there are cases where it is too much for anyone to cope with.
For us, we found certain ways of getting through. My husband is one of the people who can’t sleep in past 8am. So, we worked a system where I did as much as I could on a Friday and sat night and then he would take over at 7/8am and I would sleep uninterrupted until midday or whenever I wanted.
During the week, during the period my son actually napped, then I would do as much as I could and then I’d sleep during the day as much as possible too. Then we had months and months where he would only nap whilst I pushed him around,; so then we used to break up the night so I would sleep 7pm-12pm and then he’d get uninterrupted sleep after etc
Thing I found hardest was that I actually didn’t always want to sleep at every opportunity. I missed just browsing on my phone, watching tv, having a glass of wine etc without a baby to look after so We often found ourselves sharing a bottle of wine and hanging out on the sofa when we should have rested. It can be brutal. I breastfed and would always breastfeed him back to sleep so I did take on the majority of the night stuff. But even if you breastfeed and you find yourself at breaking point you can always introduce a bottle of formula, or breastfed milk and ask your partner to help. My son was appalling at sleeping for 9months then just massively improved.
I think having the second child would be the hardest, as then you can’t nap when baby naps etc.
Sleep deprivation is very hard. But it does pass.

What you think you can cope with, the strength you have, what you would be prepared to do all changes when you have child. I wish you lots of luck with it all.

The worst part is when they are 2 or 3 and you are at work and no one considers you to be someone with a baby or suffering with sleep deprivation when you got fewer than three hours the previous night and haven’t had a full night in literally years.

Yes, this with any baby over 1. Sleep when the baby sleeps - can't, I'm at work or on days I'm not working he has dropped to 1 nap and it's when I need to eat lunch. Leave the housework - it's been a year, we had to start hoovering and cleaning the toilets again eventually. It's so hard remembering stuff like bin days, family birthdays, what you have in the fridge while you're in the supermarket etc. on no sleep but by now people expect you to have joined the land of the organised, responsible adult again.

I have three babies who don't sleep.

Well, they sleep but they little it with hundreds of wake ups.

Currently cutting molars and DS3 is waking 10-12 times a night if I dare forget to give him neurofen. He'll wake 6 times if I do remember.

A few months ago he had reached just waking twice a night.

Fucking teething!

Ah guess what? He's just woken up.

You might get a baby who sleeps well from early on. Both of mine were 'sleeping through' by 3 months.

The best advice I can give is get yourself into good sleep habits before you have kids. I've always liked a lot of sleep and always went to bed about 10pm when I was pregnant. My DC were never active in the night when I was pregnant and I do wonder if perhaps my own sleep patterns helped.

I also bottle fed both of mine. I know people say it doesn't make a difference, but anecdotally in my experience, the bad sleepers are all breastfed. (Waiting to get flamed now).

Could you sleeper cot for at least 6 months.

One nct mum would come to the the meet ups all hyped up about how she had no sleep, getting up out of bed, going to a different room to feed the baby.
5 times a night

My first was a great sleeper. I was so smug. My second was raging nightmare and I could frequently be found sobbing "what have I done?

Oh yes... this. DD slept through the night at 3 weeks. DS came along 4 years later and was Mr I-Want-To-Mess-About-Twiddle-Nipples-And_Play every bloody night till he was 3.

It's bad,I'll be honest.I have to get at least 8 hours to feel normal and ds woke every 1.5 hours for weeks.
It was the hardest thing ever I used to cry every time I heard him wake in the night.

@Fatted I won't flame you - I agree with you fully but chose to breastfeed all the same for various reasons (nothing against FF though). I did feel quite judged at times for "creating a bad sleeper" and "making a rod for my own back" sometimes. There's definitely 2 sides

I actually think you've got a fair mix of replies here OP! Only a few people with truly horrid experiences, some with good sleepers and most somewhere in between. And YY to whoever said that babies only wake up to have a need met. DS slept too well for his own good - he didn't wake up for his feeds often enough and weight gain was a real issue the first 10 weeks (and good luck getting health care professionals to believe that a healthy baby doesn't wake for feeds).

And it's true that nothing in baby development is linear - we went through a phase at around 10 months where DS would wake up anywhere between 2am and 4am and be awake for 2-3 hours. That was waaaaay worse than the newborn days, not least because we were both back at work.

It is really really really hard. I was so tired my face was numb for about 2 years.

It might be better than you think. It might be worse. There’s no way of knowing in advance! If you’re not prepared to lose sleep you might want to rethink things. Nearly 2 years in we’re still not sleeping 8 hours a night!

You’ll adapt, I was the same. I was going to bed at like 3am and waking up at 2pm next day some nights. When DS came along, I used to record horror movies for the night feeds needing something to keep me awake but I actually adapted more than I thought I would. For the first 3 months he woke every 3 hours, then he was sleeping through from 11pm till 9am. Not saying all babies are like this but routine is key with babies. So before kids I was having 8-10 hours every night now I’m lucky if I make 6 during the week.