To ask for a handhold? Heading for a mental breakdown depending on tomorrow

[WhyThisLife]

Probably not the right section for this but with the traffic AIBU gets, here I am!

I'd like to ask for a handhold, some group support, a chat etc... As I prepare for my hospital appointment tomorrow.

I have been struggling with fertility issues for a while now and I am currently pregnant. Tomorrow is the scan where I find out if this is viable or not (I've had quite a few previously where I've been told they aren't and had to have D&C's or surgery etc...).

It's all taking its toll now and it's taking all my strength to go in that room willingly tomorrow and not being dragged kicking and screaming. I hate being there, I hate watching people coming out before me all happy and going over to the machine to pay for their scan photos, I hate the look on the nurses faces as soon as they can see on the screen and their 'im very sorry' voices when they tell me again, I hate being walked out and put in the 'quiet room' and seeing everyone's sympathetic faces in the waiting room because they know why.

I am seriously concerned about how I will be tomorrow if it's the same news. I am so so so fed up. I feel like I'm heading for some sort of breakdown but I can't bring myself to give up either.

I don't want to worry DH too much (although he does know how I'm feeling), so can I trouble you all for some support/conversation please? I feel so jittery and restless waiting for tomorrow.

All the best for today OP, will be thinking of you

Thinking of you. ❤️

Good luck today, OP x

Sending love to you today.

Got my fingers crossed for you today op.

Hoping for good news for you this morning. Sending you love and strength.
Also, I saw your on folic acid, read up about folate (natural version) and the difference x

I know how you feel all to well op and it’s absolutely shit. I’ve had 7 mc and the last one nearly killed me but the physical pain was nowhere near as bad as the emotional. I also relate to the scan fear. I hated the scans/nurses/waiting room/little side room/ feel of the gel they all made me feel so panicked.

I’m sending you all the luck in the world today and a unmumsnetty ((((hug))))

I'll be another one thinking of you today OP. I've been "lucky" enough to have suffered only one MMC (my first pregnancy) and I'll never forget the experience. For you to have gone through that over and over again just numbs my brain. I'll be keeping everything crossed for you. I hope when you enter the room you'll feel the virtual hug of hundreds of MNers embracing you and trying to keep you strong as you wait for the (hopefully positive) news.

Another one thinking of you today!

🤞

🤞

Sending love OP xx

Sending love and luck x

Sending love. Your post brought me back to around 9 years ago, when I experienced recurrent miscarriage. It was a very lonely time and so much of what you’ve posted here has resonated with me.

I really, really hope this scan brings you the happiest news. Holding you in my thoughts today.

In my thoughts today OP

Thank you all.

Does that mean you'll never have a healthy child?

No it does not. There's actually only a 6% chance (with my particular translocation) that any successful pregnancy will have a disability, something called Emanuel syndrome. The rest is 50% chance that I'll pass on my translocation so there'll be nothing wrong with the baby except they may go through what I am now if they want a child and 44% chance I won't pass it on at all. Do you think I'd be going through this if I'd been told I'll 'never have a healthy child'? If you Google translocations, they are inherited through family almost all of the time. My mum had it (we know this for certain), as did (we suspect), her mother and so forth.

Thanks so much all of you. I've managed about two seconds sleep but never mind, I can sleep later. I actually have a RM clinic appointment directly after the scan so hopefully that'll be my way of avoiding the bloody quiet room. Considering making #FuckTheQuietRoom my official life motto. I hate it. The stupid purple walls and butterflies all over the place.

To the PP who said I don't need to go to these scans if I don't want, yes I guess you're right. I just don't know what's worse though, doing this today or potentially spending the next however many weeks (maybe even months) wondering if I am pregnant or not. There must come a stage as well I imagine that it becomes dangerous to leave a deceased pregnancy inside? I usually lose them at about 6 and a half weeks so it's quite early every time.

I've been in the quiet room a few times OP, although it did work out in the end. Lots of MNs standing behind you in spirit today sending you every good vibe going.

I've had scans at St Mary's just outside the main ultrasound room, in a corner of the main atrium. There's hardly anyone else waiting and definitely not an audience sitting there when you come out. You'd think they could scan you there.

I've also always wondered why the seats all face the wrong way, as in you have your back to the people calling your name, but I guess that's the most they can do to minimise the staring at people coming out of the rooms.

Best of luck today OP.

Wishing you all the very best op. Thinking of you

Have come back on to say I'm still thinking of you. Sat in GPs waiting to talk about recurrent MC and trying to hold it together. At least everyone else here is miserable too, can't imagine how I would cope if it was full of happy scan families

(hug) (positive vibes) (handhold) (💐) (chocolate / cake / something yummy you like to eat). I hope with every fibre of my being it's good news

Sending you so much luck and love OP. I have been there once myself and cannot begin to imagine the grief of going through it eight times over. Will be thinking of you at 11am

I’m thinking of you OP. I have a friend going through something similar and can see how hard it is. I’ve got everything crossed for good news today for you.