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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel frustrated by DH's lack of stable employment?

83 replies

Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 11:42

Hi all,
So DH contracts and gets paid very well for it. He would far less in a perm role, so it is not really an option as we almost can't afford for him only to work perm.

Problem is - DH has periods without contracts and it is causing us huge financial stress. This has been going on for 2012. If he was working all the time, we would be in a great position, but then he has these periods between contracts,

At the moment he has 4 interviews but not sure what will happen. I have told him many times he needs to find a way to make this work, but I just dont know how he will ever make it work. He can't put money aside as he has to pay off debt from when he wasnt in work. I am studying at the moment so will be working in about 18 months. I have used a considerable amount of my inheritance.

Thing is, no matter whether I am working or not, I want him to have a regular, steady job. I want to know what is coming in each month not just living like this. I am not in control of his job but I peronsally couldnt do what he does. I have contracted before but only had a month here and there. I made it work.

I have asked if he can upskill or what he could do but he is in a good niche role at the moment which is sought after. Niche in his industry is a good thing.

Suggestions please as I cant keep living like this!!!!

OP posts:

ElloBrian · 02/02/2020 11:46

Ok so he needs to put enough money away from his contracting pay to cover the periods when he is not working. In addition to his debt repayments.
Sit down and write a full household budget - all incomings and outgoings, debt repayments, etc. Then look at your incomings. Take his income for the past couple of years and average it out monthly. That’s his monthly income. He has to budget to live on that amount.

As for the short term situation: Can he claim benefits when he’s not in work? If so then he should. Otherwise what is he planning to live on til he gets another contract? He needs to go pick up some bar work or somesuch to tide himself over.

dimsum123 · 02/02/2020 11:49

Have you worked out whether he would actually earn less perm given he'd be paid for 12 months a year plus hols, sick pay, pension contribs, life and health ins etc?

DH was a contractor for years, got offered a very good perm package and tbh we're better off including not having the stress of looking for a new contract every year.

Although of course perm is not really perm, but once you have 2 years service at least you do have some protection.

VirtualHamster · 02/02/2020 11:53

So DH contracts and gets paid very well for it. He would far less in a perm role, so it is not really an option as we almost can't afford for him only to work perm

I can't work out if when you're looking at what he earns during his contracts you are allowing for time out of work or not.

If you can't afford for him to only work in a permanent role than the issue is how much he earns, not the stability of his employment.

If he really is in a sought after, niche role then his pay should be making up for the time out of work, which should be minimal anyway if the work is in demand.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 11:55

disum - i have actually said this many times and in some years, yes taking this in to account he probably would be better off.

He spends whatever he has, doesn't put any away. He just god a loan from his dad to pay off debt which he has done but left himself with nothing so that when his contract finished in december he has no savings etc. SO I have to always step in with my inheritance.
He is depressed and alcohol dependent I might add.

He was so angry this morning and it is all about money. I just think he does nothing to help himself and I am so over it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 11:56

I might add - he also never discusses this with me. I have asked so many times. It is utterly ridiculous.

I tried to move us to a cheaper place as we rent. Found a great place, applied, then found out he has a CCJ so no one will rent to him.
It is a f%%king shambles.

OP posts:

VirtualHamster · 02/02/2020 11:58

It doesn't sound like the real issue here is whether he has a permanent job or is a contractor...

deareloise · 02/02/2020 11:59

I’m not unsympathetic OP, but are you working at all? I know you are studying.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:00

Virtual - well both. He is earning well. BUt he had a monstrous tax debt from 2012 which left him in a huge hole.
So yes I am looking at when he is earning, but if he did not have this debt when he wasn't working he could have lived off savings, if he had any. But he does not.

I agree - a budget needs to be done. Again I have asked him time and time again. Only prob is it is a little tricky doing a budget as he earns different amounts from contracts - so give or take £100 per day difference.

OP posts:

Brazi103 · 02/02/2020 12:01

How are you contributing equally besides the inheritance?

WaterSheep · 02/02/2020 12:01

applied, then found out he has a CCJ
He is depressed and alcohol dependent
He spends whatever he has, doesn't put any away.
I have used a considerable amount of my inheritance.

And to top it all off

he also never discusses this with me.

I'm sorry but I just couldn't live with someone who treats me with such contempt. He has no respect for you, and if he were my OH I would feel much safer and financially secure without him in my life.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:01

dear lousie - i was working a bit just at a shop (though I have a former career) but he said it doesnt earn enough to bother with. Now I literally cannot - full time uni including 4 days a week working unpaid at a placement, one day at uni, uni work all weekend.

OP posts:

deareloise · 02/02/2020 12:03

I understand going to university may be a route into a better paid career but it does seem to me to be a bit unfair to demand one person takes all the financial responsibility.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:04

water - I think he is just so deep in depression etc he wouldnt see it this way but I agree with you. I just dont know what to do.

Brazil- I have been a SAHM looking after my children until so contributing that way.. I have used about £75 of inheritance maybe since 2014.

OP posts:

Jess827 · 02/02/2020 12:04

The problem here isn't his type of work... It's his inability to manage money.

He's basically just shit and/or burying his head in the sand. What would happen if you said not 1 more penny is coming out of your inheritance, not a single one. Would he step up and do something, or continue to pressure you to piss it all away?

I've seen a family member in a similar situation (not identical but similar - my uncle married a woman who couldn't control her spending, cue decades of working long hours in an outdoor job,but constant stress about money, getting evicted, ccjs, Iva's, she just crushed him over the years and was a shell of a man by the end, with physical I'll health massively impacted by overwork!), It's an awful life ahead if you stay with him.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:05

dearlousie - i take your point but it was the only option. I cant do my former career and needed to study to get a new one. I will never be out of work when i finish as it is in high demand. It is a needs to an end. I have thought long and hard and tried to get back into work other ways but it was not working. I shouldnt even be typing now I should be essay writing!

OP posts:

DowntonCrabby · 02/02/2020 12:07

The issue is how you’re managing your finances not his being in/out of contract at any given time.

This type of working will only work if you’re able to budget properly to save. In these circumstances it’s especially important to have an emergency fund.

Look into basic personal finance, look on moneysaving expert, look into YNAB and google Dave Ramsey. It sounds as though you have separate finances though so it’s maybe time to work on gaining this basic financial literacy together.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:08

jess - well it all started with 9 months out of work in 2012 which he has never recovered from in every sense of the word. But still he kept it all hidden from me. I had tax men turn up on my door with a bill for £26,000. Yes.

He still wont talk about money.

I have told him to ask his parents as no I am not handing over my inheritance for him any more. I already have to use it monthly to pay for things for me and the children.

Plus he is spending money on things like alcohol which I despise as he has a problem.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:09

Downtown - thanks for the suggestions - they are good ones and I will def check out. We had a joint account but never worked.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:11

Watersheep - I think he is deeply ashamed and stressed by it all which is why he can't talk about it.
I did say I would stick by him when the tax man came but made it known that he was never to keep secrets again. But he seems to have credit and debt in places i dont even know. I have cut all ties financially with him apart from unfortunatley council tax.

OP posts:

user14928465 · 02/02/2020 12:12

Do you plan to spend your entire life propping him up?

What effect does his alcoholism have on your children?

YappityYapYap · 02/02/2020 12:12

I don't think it's fair to demand that your DH has regular all year round employment in a permanent job when you've ditched working in order to study. Most degrees take 3-4 years so you not contributing for this length of time would probably be more than the amount of time he has been out of work since 2012...

Deciding to study is great but you knew at the time that your DH was not in permanent employment when you made this decision so you had two options at the time and they were to accept this and get a job yourself to keep afloat or tell your DH you really wanted to study but for you to do so, you needed him to get a permanent job, find out if he was willing to do this then wait for that job to come along then study. You did neither and decided to study despite the uncertain employment situation.

I work 25 hours a week because my DH is only a medium earner. We would prefer that I only did maybe 15 hours or not work at all due to having a child with SN but until he earns more, I have to work 25 hours a week for us all to have a decent quality of life. If he does one day end up earning more, we will discuss the situation and I can perhaps work less but for the time being 'dream jobs' are firmly on hold!

HillAreas · 02/02/2020 12:13

Not finding out about his CCJ until that point is such a huge betrayal. Can he even look you in the eye after you found out that way?
I’m all for supporting ones spouse through thick and thin but he’s not exactly living up to his end of the deal here. WaterSheep is right - he’s treating you and your marriage with contempt.
I don’t see what options you have apart from to cut him loose or put up with him. It doesn’t sound like he has any plans to change and he is just dragging you down financially, mentally and emotionally.

CSIblonde · 02/02/2020 12:14

Successful contractors don't have big gaps tbh . I've worked with loads, for years, in many different industries. When you're current contract is 3months from ending, you start looking for the next one. The longest gap any of them had was a week or two, in industries such as IT, Car Autocad Design, Telecoms, Marketing, Building Project Management, Investment Banking etc. That has only ever changed in the last recession when a 2month gap was the norm for a while, but they then took shorter term roles to keep the money coming in, rather than their usual 6month or 1year contracts. Sit down & add up what he's earned with all the gaps & you may find perm work ends up the same.

YappityYapYap · 02/02/2020 12:15

Sorry, some posts were added as I was writing. He is an alcoholic and you worked in a shop and he said it wasn't good enough and not worth bothering with? He also handles money very badly? I assume he gave you the line that you could go and study and he would ensure everything would be fine but he's actually started drinking more and working less? So the handling of money, the drinking and the amount of work he is doing has gotten worse since you started studying? So he hasn't really kept to his end of the deal then. Sounds like a waste of time

Clymene · 02/02/2020 12:17

What do you get out of this marriage OP?

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