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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel frustrated by DH's lack of stable employment?

83 replies

Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 11:42

Hi all,
So DH contracts and gets paid very well for it. He would far less in a perm role, so it is not really an option as we almost can't afford for him only to work perm.

Problem is - DH has periods without contracts and it is causing us huge financial stress. This has been going on for 2012. If he was working all the time, we would be in a great position, but then he has these periods between contracts,

At the moment he has 4 interviews but not sure what will happen. I have told him many times he needs to find a way to make this work, but I just dont know how he will ever make it work. He can't put money aside as he has to pay off debt from when he wasnt in work. I am studying at the moment so will be working in about 18 months. I have used a considerable amount of my inheritance.

Thing is, no matter whether I am working or not, I want him to have a regular, steady job. I want to know what is coming in each month not just living like this. I am not in control of his job but I peronsally couldnt do what he does. I have contracted before but only had a month here and there. I made it work.

I have asked if he can upskill or what he could do but he is in a good niche role at the moment which is sought after. Niche in his industry is a good thing.

Suggestions please as I cant keep living like this!!!!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 02/02/2020 12:20

Monstrous tax debts only arise from poor planning and spending your tax money.

The idea you’re married but you don’t discuss finances and planning properly is a massive red flag to me.

  1. I’m not sure studying is the best option when there is no stable income.
  1. If he’s not ‘in demand’ contracting is a fool’s errand.
  1. Financing the household is something you both discuss and plan together so whilst I agree he should seek reliable and stable income, I would expect to use my inheritance (had I any) to tide us over in tough times.

The alcohol dependence and depression need treatment and whilst I’m sympathetic, I’d be unimpressed with a partner who would jeopardise our relationship rather than seek help and my support would be short lived.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:25

Yappity yap - it is a Masters and I basically will have a job next June. I have not worked full time as I've been bringing up our children. I had a career which did not translate when we moved countries. I really ha dno choice. His employment is never stable so there is no good time.

He says he did not know he had a CCJ. It has now been paid off. Bit it will still affect rent.

I am supporting him or dealing with him emotionally for his depression and drinking. It is a huge strain. He sees a counsellor but I receive little support. I am just trying to get on with my life and better it with a new career. He also has a go at me about this. Saying I can go and do what I want. Meanwhile he has never expressed a desire to do anything. I really dont know what to do with him or suggest him to do to have stable employment. He needs to save but has been saying for years he cant as he has debt but then wont disclose his full money situation.

OP posts:
Cyberve · 02/02/2020 12:27

Sorry but a permanent job is regular income. It will work out better for you in the long run than now and again having better paid work coming in.

But you can't really demand anything when you aren't working either. You knew this about him before the uni degree, why did you still do it? Neither of you are good with money or have much sense.

Get permanent jobs for both of you and work on clearing your debt. You won't have the same lifestyle, but you can't think of that right now. You owe a shit ton of money.

Thecheekofit1 · 02/02/2020 12:29

This is the depressed alcoholic who sent derogatory texts about you to his mate and wont engage in counselling?!

You have far bigger problems than contract work.

Thecheekofit1 · 02/02/2020 12:29

So sorry I recognised your username from all the other threads.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:30

Merry goat - he is severley compromising our relationship. I have found awful texts about me to an awful person he knows from work who is a drinking buddy not a friend really. He is trying but not enough so my support runs low.

I have been using my inheritance all the time to tide us over, so it is wearing a bit thin.

I can try again re the budget. I have said lets go out and have dinner and discuss and he just wont. what should i do? Make up a budget> Alss hard when the incomings vary so widely.

He also takes little resonsibility for school things to be paid etc. It is all on me.

OP posts:
HillAreas · 02/02/2020 12:30

Fucksake. OP has explained over and over again why she is currently studying. And she is still providing for the family via her inheritance. This is not about the OP. This is about her husbands failure to be honest and provide for his family.

Merryoldgoat · 02/02/2020 12:32

Honestly? You should leave him. That’s what you should do.

LannieDuck · 02/02/2020 12:32

If you have 18 months left to get through, you both need to plan carefully how to bridge that gap. But not sure how you work as a team when he's not interested.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:32

Thecheek - yes.
He is in counselling but wont follow up on medical treatment, However I will speak to his GP tomorrow.

Being out of work does not help with the depression and drinking so sadly it is all intertwined. He was so angry this morning I just dont know what to do with him.What would you do with him? Telling him to leave is not helpful at this current moment. Thank you

OP posts:
MyuMe · 02/02/2020 12:33

There have been numerous threads about him though very recently.

You can't force him to change.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:34

Lannie - agree. There is no team at the moment. I have shouldering lots of at the moment and my mental health is fine but could go downhill. I am really happy in myself but this is too much for me to deal with. His parents are useless

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 02/02/2020 12:34

I work freelance, and this is something I have learned over the years (also since 2012, funnily enough).

I too am going through a bit of a dry spell, but you have to be careful with money, and save as you go, so you can always afford to earn NOTHING for a few months if needed.

I actually have enough saved to mean that even if I didn't get a single penny's worth of work for the next two years, I would be fine. That is how organised I need to be, and I will not touch those savings unless I really, really need to.

user14928465 · 02/02/2020 12:35

You cannot change him.

You cannot make him become a decent partner.

You cannot fix issues he doesn't want to address.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:37

Sunshine - I have also told DH to do the same. He says he cannot afford to. But he can. It is ridiculous. I used to contract and made it work for me. He just cannot manage money at all and he has control of it. I am glad you have made it work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:37

user - yes. sad but true, he was such a lovely bloke. could be if he faced his demons.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 02/02/2020 12:41

Sunshine - I have been telling him to put money aside forever. He even recently took a loan out from his parents to pay off debt but left nothing in case his contract ended, which of course it did. So he pays russian roulette hoping and praying a job comes immediately which it hasnt although he has 4 interviews on the go it could take a while for them to come through. Then I am expected to step in with my inheritance. I am just saying no this time. I already have to use it for myself but no more for him - as I have seen gambling spending online not much but anything is too much for me. When I confronted him he just said well I won it all back and more. Oh gawd. He spends on alcohol too. I will not have my inheritance spent on that.

OP posts:
user14928465 · 02/02/2020 12:54

Chucking your future away in an attempt to avoid having to grieve the loss of someone who hasn't existed for the best part of a decade is sad.

You're pouring your energies into trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

This is going to mess your kids up so much, if that ship hasn't already sailed. Except it is actually within your power to save them and you from that. Why don't you want to?

You been to Al Anon to get support for yourself?

4amWitchingHour · 02/02/2020 13:00

Can you get whatever salary he's paid (when he gets his next job) into your bank account, or a joint one? I realise that might mean joining finances more than you want to though. He has to realise how serious this is and that you cannot trust him with money at all - you can't keep living like this, you'll reach breaking point where he'll have to leave otherwise

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/02/2020 13:03

I’d be very Hmm to be told to work more by a partner who was not working at all and had no plans to for some time.

CalamityJune · 02/02/2020 13:13

Sounds like you've both been pretty short sighted to be honest. If this has been going on for such a long time, the studying should have gone on the back burner so that you had an income until he could reliably pick up the slack and enable you to be a student.

IndecentFeminist · 02/02/2020 13:19

Getting deja vu here. I'll say what I said last time you posted, that perhaps you need to be working, perhaps starting this retraining while his work is uncertain was silly. And that you could perhaps consider your inheritance contributions as an actual contribution to your cost of living and family finances, as against you 'bailing him out'.

That said, as was said previously, if he is an unreliable alcoholic perhaps you're better off apart.

MyuMe · 02/02/2020 13:39

And that you could perhaps consider your inheritance contributions as an actual contribution to your cost of living and family finances, as against you 'bailing him out'.

That's a good point

OP isn't working and has inheritance money to spend on the family but resents it.

Why is it all DHs responsibility to work and provide.

I'd be pretty depressed tbh if a husband treated me like that. Told me to work and provide whilst they didnt and kept their money to themselves.

altiara · 02/02/2020 13:49

He should get a permanent position if he can’t deal with saving for being out of work and paying tax etc. Being a contractor isn’t just getting an inflated salary, it’s also being your own ‘business’.
I remember your previous threads. Is there a way you can stop your course for a while and get a job? Or rent somewhere by yourself and use your inheritance to cover your rent. Doesn’t sound your DH is going to change who he is.

Glittertwins · 02/02/2020 14:41

We've had fun with DH's employment and contracting is not always as great as it can be made out to be. Ideally, one half of the couple needs to be in a stable job that can moreorless cover periods between contacts in addition to the contractor managing it money properly to cover gaps by contracts. Benefits are not payable for this kind of employment therefore what seems to be a very good rate for a six month contract needs to be able to cover at least 3 months of not working to be comfortable in my opinion.
IR35 and changes to how contractors are viewed are also evolving so sometimes in the long run, permanent is better.