to feel frustrated by DH's lack of stable employment?

[Yolo89]

Hi all,
So DH contracts and gets paid very well for it. He would far less in a perm role, so it is not really an option as we almost can't afford for him only to work perm.

Problem is - DH has periods without contracts and it is causing us huge financial stress. This has been going on for 2012. If he was working all the time, we would be in a great position, but then he has these periods between contracts,

At the moment he has 4 interviews but not sure what will happen. I have told him many times he needs to find a way to make this work, but I just dont know how he will ever make it work. He can't put money aside as he has to pay off debt from when he wasnt in work. I am studying at the moment so will be working in about 18 months. I have used a considerable amount of my inheritance.

Thing is, no matter whether I am working or not, I want him to have a regular, steady job. I want to know what is coming in each month not just living like this. I am not in control of his job but I peronsally couldnt do what he does. I have contracted before but only had a month here and there. I made it work.

I have asked if he can upskill or what he could do but he is in a good niche role at the moment which is sought after. Niche in his industry is a good thing.

Suggestions please as I cant keep living like this!!!!

Going against the grain here, I think you need to press on with studies and assume that your inheritance is going to need to cover you for the rest of that time until you have qualified and have a stable professional income. You cannot rely on him and you would be foolish to do so longterm. Don’t give him any money if he is spending it on alcohol and gambling, but assume that your inheritance will be required to cover all bills and rent etc for the next 18 months until you have a salary. Basically, I think you need to plan financially for single parenthood and you might as well start now.

He hasn't had a steady income since 2009. I have had to bit the bullet and do this study as I feel it is the only option to improving my situation. My age means I cannot wait any longer and I can't wait until his situation gets better as it is so up and down. I have my uni fees paid by a bursary and a little extra, plus I can support myself.

I just dont feel I constantly have to pay for things when I have been looking after children (does this count for nothing??) and spent a good chunk of inheritance which if he was in work i wouldnt have. which he should be regardless of me working or not .

Now I am worried when i do start working that i will be continously picking up the slack as this keeps happening. DO you see what I mean? He has to make it work for him and at the moment he is not.
He is stressing about money today and I predicted this would happen back in decmeber as his contract finished. He has no plan in place and spends unitl it is not there then cries help. I am sick of it,.

“ Now I am worried when i do start working that i will be continously picking up the slack as this keeps happening.”

This is exactly what is going to happen and you need to plan accordingly. He cannot be relied upon with money. If you separate (which I think is the only answer but I realise you may not be in that place) you are unlikely to see much maintenance given his financial situation. However, once you are qualified and working you would be in a position to rent somewhere cheaper as you described before, presuming that the CCJ is not in any way attached to you. You need to plan to support yourself and the children alone, and I’m afraid that your inheritance is the start of that whilst you complete your studies.

Then leave if you can’t make it work. No point staying if you’re stressing? My husband is freelancing - he doesn’t get a ‘long term contact’ like yours does. One year he worked for two weeks. It’s not fair but his skill set is so niche there is no full time job for him. I think it’s unfair of you to demand more when you yourself are not working.

I contract and I make sure I put money aside for the times when I have no work, plus also contribute to pension, savings, healthcare etc. We also discuss all finances so DP is well aware of cost/savings/what is put aside etc. I think that is the only way to do it.

Having read all your posts it seems that your DP is living beyond his means, even when he has a contract, he doesn't keep you informed and you constantly prop him up. I'd be questioning the relationship and whether it's actually worth it and thinking how I could leave (financially). Sorry OP but that sounds extremely stressful especially if he's also drinking.

I have a friend who does very well working like this, but he is very aware of how much he needs to cover expenses for the year and doesn't spend anything on frivolities until that is safely in the bank. Then, they go on lovely holidays etc in the good years when there's a surplus.

What do you do OP? I do find it hard to hear about DHs who aren't earning enough/don't earn in the right way. If you want real stability, the only way is to be self sufficient and have control over it yourself.

You need a certain mindset to be successfully self employed. You need to manage money and be able to run your own business, which includes putting money aside for tax bills and lean periods.

Sounds like your h needs to be more proactive with marketing himself and also with talking on other work when he has no contracted work. But it sounds as if you have bigger problems...

“ I think it’s unfair of you to demand more when you yourself are not working.”

I don’t actually agree with this at all, it’s taking things completely out of context as though the OP is sitting on her arse all day demanding more money to spend on designed shoes or something. It’s completely normal for one of a couple to be a SAHM, and/or retrain for a period, and for the other to shoulder the financial burden with the idea that the care of children or retraining etc will benefit the family as a whole. and the fact is that the financial burden has to be covered. However, in this case clearly he is not able to cover that financial burden and the history of his behaviour indicates that it’s to do with his shit handling of finances and covering it up, and that’s without the texting, alcohol abuse and possibly gambling too. Where I do think the OP is being unreasonable is to continue to expect him to manage to contribute his financial share given this history. He has shown that he is not capable, and cannot be relied upon. So the OP has to expect to support herself and the children alone. It may not be right, but OP you will have to accept this. Given that you have the means via an inheritance, and I realise that you might not want it to go on living expenses that he should be contributing to also, that is what you will have to use

It sounds like your marriage is not working out tbh. Why are you still with him? Is it sunken cost fallacy?

If you want predictability, The obvious solution is to take a permanent, lower paid role. Contracts pay more because of the risk and your need to save for down times.

The two of you need a budget and a real plan. That plan may involve one or both of you picking up extra work on evenings or weekends to get out of debt faster.

Your budget doesn’t need to be hard because income is unpredictable. Make the budget at the lowest contract rate he would accept. Any extra he makes means extra towards debt and savings. If he is going to continue contracting, Don’t spend any excess until you have a huge nest egg.

Just to add to this.
It is not feasible to leave now so whilst I appreciate the suggestion, others not based on this are more helpful currently.

My DH is also depressed.
He does work in one of the industries you said but when a contract is coming to an end he just hopes it will continue whilst vaguely not strongly looking for jobs. I dont know why he doesnt jump from one to one.

Look you're starting threads in this every few days

No matter what you're told you say it won't work.

Why do you ask?

You don’t have to leave, but regardless you cannot rely on him for money, so you need to plan accordingly

Myme - that is quite a simplistic view on it all. The situation is very complex and what I am saying is that maybe I cant do something right now. I am mulling things over, getting thoughts. I am trying to make things better and change things. That's fair isn't it?

which he should be regardless of me working or not

Why? Because he’s male he should have to work?

Both should be working to pay for the children and household, not just one imo.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss You are contradicting yourself. Because many months he isn’t contributing to the household but the OP is. Besides, having one parent as a SAHP or studying is not remotely unusual, even if you disagree with it

Yappity yap - he never assured me anything was going to be fine. He never can. He just hopes for the best. I just had to bite the bullet and go for it, as there is no good time. I know I have the means to support myself through study, even if he cannot.

He does not even seem that happy I am studying or supportive. It really is a bit upsetting.

You need to create a budget and I think you need help with this because you say you can't make a budget with variable income - but this is of course what you need to do and it's not difficult when you know how.

You also need full disclosure from DH about his financial affairs. How much is owed in tax and other debts and has he been providing for future tax bills.

I don't think you can go any further without doing this, so if DH won't agree to it I think the relationship becomes untenable.

thanks SNOG. DH will not fully disclose anything . I have asked him many times. I asked him again just now and he just said not great.

He came over drinking with a recruiter. Just one but I dont believe him. He then got angry as the after school club rang me to say it hasnt been paid even though it has just into the wrong place. Then he had a full on go at me saying that paying after school care is my problem as I chose to go back to uni and he is not working. I just find this deeply upsetting as I thought it was a joint thing. i have paid for so much childcare he doesnt know about but to say it is my problem is just a bit much. He is a little drunk and bad tempered. I cannot take much more.

Maybe you both need to get jobs and work together as a couple to address the issues if you want to stay together?

Studying and contracting are both luxuries. Can you afford such luxuries as a couple?

Contracting a luxury? My DH cannot afford to work perm at the moment as he has had to pay off a lot of debt and he just cannot. I have told him so many times he has to make contracting work or else he has to do full time. It just pays less than half of what he is earning,

I am studying a 2 year masters with a guaranteed job next June so again no luxury. I cannot do my old career.

I dont really know the answer. I do know that my DH needs stable employment. This has been going on since 2012 and I am sick of the instability

If DH is refusing to disclose what his financial liabilities and commitments are I don't think you can even say whether or not he can afford to take a permanent role.

You could be sliding further and further into debt at the moment without even knowing it OP.

I couldn't even think to continue a relationship like this. It's supposed to be a MARRIAGE fgs. It needs honesty and communication. DH is putting his head in the sand and therefore yours is in the sand too.

I would get out now while you still have what's left of your inheritance.

Snog I know he just got a loan from his parents to pay off his debt. So as far I can tell he is almost debt free.

But he just wont get into specifics.
I just am at a loss.
When he was drunk last night, he told me last night childcare is my issue to pay as I am at uni and need childcare. As he is not working it is apparently my issue. He is used to having me around and picking up children and now I cant so he has to clean and pick them up for after school care. I dont get it. He was so angry and awful, clearly stressed about money. But iI just cried and cried last night at my treatement. He says he is sorry but then immediately says something I do to him. He is not sorry and he doesnt get the emotional toll on me this is taking.

Also he is not being honest with you - how big is the loan from his parents fgs?
£1k, £10k, £50k? And if it's not a gift it still needs paying back? When and how?

This isn't a partnership OP, you have no idea about your financial situation even to the nearest £10k!

Your head is in the sand too even though you don't want it to be. There should have been discussion upfront about how nursery fees would be paid and a financial plan and budget for this but DH will not cooperate with this. I would say this is controlling behaviour and financial abuse.

I would tell him that unless you can have complete transparency on money and work together to produce a budget and financial plan the relationship is over.

I know you say it's not practical to split up at the moment, what is it that's stopping you from doing this?
It sounds like he is really dragging you down and without decent communication I struggle to see any good future here for the marriage.