Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

To expect a 4 year old to know right from wrong?

226 replies

Bubbaloo · 01/09/2007 22:02

I went over to a friend the other week with both my ds's,who are 26 months and 4 months old.She also has 2 boys-a nearly 2 year old and a nearly 4 year old and both her boys drove me mad from the moment we arrived.Ds2 was asleep in his car seat but they wouldn't leave him alone and were prodding and poking him so much that they scratched his face.After a few minutes they woke him up and we had screaming for about 40 minutes.I explained he was trying to sleep,but they took no notice and were even climbing over me to get to ds2 when I took him out of his carrier.Anyway,the boys eventually went and played in the garden and ds2 went to sleep again.After an hour or so my friend did us some lunch.Beforehand her eldest boy must've asked me 5 times if ds2 was going to have lunch with them and I explained that he had no teeth,was still a baby at 4 months old and that he only drank milk.He seemed to understand.While the boys were eating their lunch and ds2 was asleep I went into the kitchen to get my coffee and within about 2 minutes he was screaming.I went back into the living room to find her eldest son bent over ds2's car seat and I couldn't believe what I saw-ds2 had 2 large chunks of cheese and bread shoved in his mouth and bread all over his top.I was absolutely livid and told my friends boy off,telling him that it was naughty aswell as dangerous and that the baby could've choked.I was even more annoyed due to the fact I had explained to him earlier that he only has milk.After about another 20 mins ds1 was getting tired so I made my excuses and left...pronto.
My friend has since emailed me but I haven't replied yet as I'm still really wound up.
AIBU to expect her son to know right from wrong,when it's already been explained to him?

OP posts:

LittleBella · 01/09/2007 22:26

Yes I think YABU.

Framing this incident in terms of right and wrong, is totally inappropriate. The 4 year old didn't do anything "wrong" as such, what he did, is forget that babies can only drink milk and try and kindly feed him bread. And there was no supervising adult there to stop him.

I remember being kind to my baby brother by giving him a sweet and he started to choke. My mother battered me for it. I was sorry, because when she battered me I remembered that he wasn't allowed to eat anything but milk, but I'd genuinely forgotten that and had wanted to be kind.

I'm afraid that's how four year olds think. Expecting them to think older than their age, is totally unreasonable.

gess · 01/09/2007 22:26

And remember for how long? DS2 (aged 5) is very 'good' & naturally well behaved (nothing to do with me he was born that way). I still have to remined him repeatedly at times.

Anyway don't touch the baby isn't the same as don't feed the baby.

TheQueenOfQuotes · 01/09/2007 22:27

oh gosh gess - you've just brought back memories of DS1 being found sat in DS2's cot on numerous occasions (with DS2 in there as well)...DS2 was a little older by then (about 18 months I think) but they were sharing a bedroom.....DS2 is MUCH more agile than DS1 was at the same age.......

and it's not going to be many months until DS3 (and his cot LOL) are moved into their room EEEEEK

Original poster

Bubbaloo · 01/09/2007 22:28

Well,with not having a 4 year old maybe I was expecting too much.I know ds1 wouldn't ever do anyone like that(even at 2 years old),so I guess it's wriong to assume that other's wouldn't too.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Desiderata · 01/09/2007 22:30

But a two year old is actually less likely to do it than a 3/4 year old.

Reallytired · 01/09/2007 22:30

Maybe a four year old should not touch a baby if told not to. However children will be children.

A mother who leaves her baby unattended in the company of three under fours should know better as well.

Calling the child "bad" is as unfair as calling the mother a bad mother.

gess · 01/09/2007 22:31

4 year olds (3 year olds even) get up to far more damage than 2 year olds. They have more physical ability and more ability to plan and pretend.

LadyVictoriaOfCake · 01/09/2007 22:31

when dd3 was born, dd2 wasnt that interested in her *(she was 2) but my 4year old was very interested. (when can i carry her mummy? can she sleep in my bed? when can she eat?)

HonoriaGlossop · 01/09/2007 22:31

kids of 1 and 3 should not have been left alone with a tiny baby though. Not their fault; they need supervision!

constancereader · 01/09/2007 22:32

oh I think I read this very differently to most of the rest of you.

The OP says that they wouldn't leave her baby alone, even when asked, and climbed over her to get to him, and then scratched his face (although not deliberately). Then tried to put food in his mouth even though he had been asked not to.

It all sounds like very hard work to me. I have taken my ds to several houses with four or five year olds and not had experiences like this.

Reallytired · 01/09/2007 22:33

Many boys don't really go through the terrible twos. They go through the terrible threes instead.

My son was never naughty at 26 months. He saved all his tantrums for about three years old.

Desiderata · 01/09/2007 22:34

Hmm, what a trauma it must have been ....

HonoriaGlossop · 01/09/2007 22:34

You shouldn't be angry with the kids. It really bugs me when people get angry with little kids like this, when really the parent is the one who is at fault.

constancereader · 01/09/2007 22:35

not a trauma, just not a fun visit.

unknownrebelbang · 01/09/2007 22:35

Where was your friend when this happened?

Original poster

Bubbaloo · 01/09/2007 22:35

The kitchen was next door to the living room and I went into the kitchen just to get my coffee and bring it back.The boys were sitting at the table having lunch and the baby was asleep.I wasn't standing in the other room chatting-I was literally in the kitchen 2 mins at the most.

OP posts:

gess · 01/09/2007 22:36

QoQ- pmsl- ds1 STILL climbs into ds3's cot (and he's 8 now so it creaks) but ds3 (bossy as he is aged 2) screams at him to get out!

prodding and poking sound like interest to me tbh. And the boy wasn;t told not to feed him, he was told the baby had milk. That may be a bizarre concept to a 3 year old.

gess · 01/09/2007 22:37

Well i'd; probably leave my baby alone in those circumstances for that amount of time, but I wouldn't be cross to find a 3 year old acting age apppropriately. Your expectations are way too high.

Flibbertyjibbet · 01/09/2007 22:37

You know your ds1 would never do anything like that, at 2 years old?
I'll watch this space

Original poster

Bubbaloo · 01/09/2007 22:41

You'll be the first to know if he changes.

OP posts:

TheQueenOfQuotes · 01/09/2007 22:42

lol flibberty I think I'll join you watching it too - especially as her DS1 is only just 2yrs old..........the fun has just begun (says she who still has all of that to go through again with DS3......)

startouchedtrinity · 01/09/2007 22:45

Tbh I wouldn't have liked any of my babies to be pawed over, but that is down to the parents to prevent. The cheese thing, again, I would probably have yelled more through panic than anything else, but IME 4 yr olds have a hugely inflated idea of their own abilities and so want to help. I have three and never left dd2 alone with dd1 until she probably two-ish (Dd1 would have been four), and I never leave ds alone with my dds b/c dd2, who is now three, keeps trying to 'help' by giving him totally inappropriate things to play with. Really, you have to watch toddlers and pre-schoolers with babies the whole time and even school aged children can do daft things.

Desiderata · 01/09/2007 22:47

Adults can do ever dafter things!

1dilemma · 01/09/2007 22:53

YABU
unrealistic to expect a 3 year old to be well versed in the needs of babies they are just like big dollies except they make a fabulous noise if prodded and then Mummy comes running and talks to you instead of drinking coffee with a friend.
Difficult when we have friends with multiple aged dcs round I find I always need to watch the littlies /entertain the biggies my friends seem to realise that it works for a limited time and the real littles are often out of the way in pushchairs etc.
However YANBU to expect some 4 yr olds to know some right from some wrong, but it doesnt meen they can stop themselves from doing it.

Flibbertyjibbet · 01/09/2007 23:06

My friends daughter used to ask if both my ds's when tiny, could come and play in her bedroom.
She was 5 and 7 at the time of this happening. Children just see babies as mini versions of themselves and expect them to do what they can do.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10