to be heartbroken

[MonnaLIza]

It's a beautiful, sunny day. I am healthy. I have a new job, which I love. I also love my DH and kids and I am loved by them. We own a good home, a 'machine for living in', with room for everyone, and we can afford food and occasional treats such as days out and holidays. We bake bread, make muffins (which sometimes turn out to be edible) and go support our local football team. We are all reasonably educated and articulate, fully tax solvent and in socially meaningful professions (that's me and DH, our kids are in education).

And yet, there is a definitely low mood in the house today, and this is not just because I am recovering from clinical depression. Today, even if nothing seems different, is the first day of my life as an 'outsider'. I am no longer a EU citizen in my own country but officially an 'other'. An immigrant.

I am now somebody who needs to prove their right to be here, in their own home. Another layer of bureaucracy, more practical struggles. But it's the change in my 'status' that breaks my heart. I am no longer part of this country which I have made my home for the last twenty years.

Yes, I have 'settled status', an invisible document, which I have obtained in a much less easy way that the government would like you to think (for instance I could not use my iPhone to register as it only worked on android phones). An invisible document which proclaims to be valid until it's valid. No doubt in the future there will be more hoops to jumps, more papers to fill and i just hope these hoops and jumps will come when I am fit, young and tech-savy enough to be able to jump them.

I will, of course, snap out of this, but at the moment I am, I think not unreasonably, heartbroken.

And my biggest heartbreak is not for me - Katie Hopkins compared immigrants to cockroaches for our resilience and, ultimately, I am resilient. When I realised the industry I was in was getting destroyed by Brexit and austerity I got another job. I have qualifications and skills. I will survive in my immigrant-coackrochy ways.

No, my biggest heartbreak is for Britain itself, for the people who have been interviewed on TV who are celebrating Brexit without being able to articulate one single benefit of it to their life. I have lived in this country long enough to have seen another Britain, a multicultural, vibrant, accepting country, where having an accent and coming from somewhere else was considered an exciting, interesting thing. I can still see that in some enlightened places, which are increasingly engulfed by the darkness of 'patriotism'.

I guess I am heartbroken because I had not only imagined a brighter future, I had seen how great things can be, and now the lights are going off.

We are discussing moving to Scotland or Ireland. It would be easy for me and my DH but harder on their kids. They are born in England, they are English. What to do - stay and resists? Move?

I do not know yet. I will know soon, we will talk and make plans.

But today I am heartbroken.

Totally with you OP. I'm gutted at the way my country has moved to being a small minded nation. And so sorry about the way you (individually you, and you as in the 3M) and the UK in Europe have been treated.

Socially and economically, brexit is an enormous step backwards.

I'm so glad the EU anthem Ode to Joy won the download wars over 17 million fuck offs. It was a close thing, but what would it have said to the world that we as a nation prefer a song about telling others to fuck off rather than the beautiful message of hope that is the 9th Symphony with Schiller's words?

Last night the thugs in Westminster were shouting 'EU scum, off our streets'. This was posted in a Norwich block of flats. Since the referendum there has been great increase in hate crimes. More anti semitic and anti muslim vandalism and attacks. This is what leave supporters are allying themselves with. Think hard about that.

Yes I’ve seen this before, EU citizens feeling miffed at being demoted to mere ‘immigrant’ status. How telling that is. Do you think because you are white that the word immigrant should not apply to you?

I saw on another forum for British people living in the EU someone saying ‘the UK is full of backward racists these days. The Brits in France And Spain who voted for Brexit don’t seem to realise they are the immigrants here. They like to call themselves expats because they think it makes them upper class whereas immigrant somehow sounds dirty.’

er....Not to me it doesn’t, so I suggest that says more about your perception of immigrants than it does about mine, in spite of what you are trying to argue against.

First of all, expats are not all white and middle class. Expats come in all colours and income levels the world over and call themselves expats because that is what they are. Secondly expats and immigrants are not necessarily the same thing. If you don’t understand the distinction that’s your problem, not the problem of white expats.

Fucksake it's not about being demoted. It's about the rules of the game changing halfway through when you never got to have your say.

Really sorry OP. I wish we didn't live in a shitty hostile environment for migrants.

I voted remain, but tbh wasn't particularly keen on the EU as an institution. I don't care that much that we are leaving, but I wish we didn't have such racist government.

EU nationals should have been made to feel welcome whatever the referendum outcome IMO.

I hope it works out for you and your children.

It's about the rules of the game changing halfway through when you never got to have your say yes the rules changed, things change. Given the vote do you think the UK could have done anything better in terms of settled status?

Do you think because you are white that the word immigrant should not apply to you?

Do you release that not all EU citizens are white? There is no requirement to white, just to be a citizen of an EU country.

I'm so sorry, OP. I hate that you and hundreds of thousands if not millions of others are feeling this way today. Please know that so many of us didn't want this result, that we welcome your contribution to our society and that we are better for living beside you. We want you to stay and we are equally as heartbroken.

Do you release that not all EU citizens are white? yes, do you realise the majority are?

I used to live in Italy.

I spent the first week of my new job there in queues for various government departments to complete endless forms and paperwork.

I had to queue at the police station every 3 months to obtain my 'Foreigner's Permit to Stay' - and pay every single time.

There is nothing usual about countries requiring people to have documentation - UK is unusually lax in this department.

We left a trading cartel not the planet. The world is still turning, the UK is still European.

I find it baffling and irritating that English people are being reproached for creating a “hostile environment “, yet no one seems to bat an eyelid at Italy not being a safe place for Jewish people.
I’m a GP and we bend over backwards to provide healthcare for non-English speakers. The NHS provides interpreters who travel to the surgery at the allotted time (always a double appointment as it is necessary for translation), and more often than not the patient doesn’t turn up! I have written letters using google translate into other languages, so that my patients can read them. There is a scheme set up for settling refugees which involves a one hour doctors appointment for every member of the family when they first register, with a translator of course.
Of course there will be nasty racists in every country, but I think it is wrong to imply that the UK as a whole is a racist institution. I can’t think of a country in the world that is more welcoming in terms of practical support than the UK.

I would also say the chances of a Frexit are fairly high if they get a vote. There is a similar disparity between those in the metropolitan affluent areas & those in the rural areas feeling left behind. It's a shame, I think the idea of the EU was good but as another poster said they didn't evolve.

If you think uk is hostile to foreigners try visiting some other countries for comparison. I think you will be shocked how ooen minded the uk really is.

I am a EU citizen and I am very, very sad, too.
I completely understand where you are coming from.
No matter what people say it is hard to not take it personally, it is hard to be rational as emotions are still raw.
I am not really sad for me, really.
I am still a EU citizen. So are my kids.
I am not overly worried about my status here. Yet.
It is true that ethnic minorities are the ones being treated more unfairly the world over. Often when they are actually native.
I am sad for the UK, for my country of adoption, for my friends who love the EU and are losing the rights that I still have.
I am sad because strangers hear me speak French to my kids in the park, and feel the need to tell me how much they like Farage.
I am sad because I owe my life here to the EU, and I somehow find myself out of it, and I didn't want this.
People call us dramatic etc, but they don't realise how important it is to us. It is very emotional.

More importantly, at the time what you call 'immigration' was not an issue. We felt we were the same. Like different regions of the same country. We still feel the same. The same love. The same kinship. We are still Europeans

That really resonates with me OP. Although I've only ever lived in the UK, I liked to know that I could live anywhere in the EU and be treated like a native for most purposes. I liked that feeling of being part of something bigger and more diverse.

I live on the south coast and am nearer to France than I am to anywhere north of the M25. Before they reduced the number of ferry crossings, we used to go to France just for the day sometimes: have lunch, do a bit of shopping and come back again. Auchan at Dieppe was as familiar to me as my local Sainsburys. I have friends in Gascony, the Auvergne and Charente.

I know I can still do these things, but it doesn't feel the same, somehow. We're not in the same club any more.

Why didn't you change your name to your husband's British one which doesn't 'sound Jewish'?

I understand that people are allowed to be upset, even if others are going through worse etc, but the term 'heartbroken' should be reserved for those who have lost children, loved ones, or have a 17 year old in intensive care with a head injury, whom I will be thinking of tonight. It's about a sense of proportion.

What’s actually wrong with being an immigrant?

There is nothing wrong with being an immigrant. I have been one.
However, this doesnt mean immigrant are treated as equal as 'native' far from. There are expectations attached to being an immigrant, and especially to be a good immigrant.

However, this was different for EU citizens. Coming with th FOM, I never felt there was this weight attached to me been in the UK. That I had to behave like a good immigrant (eg not claiming any benefits, being valuable to the society -whatever that means- etc...).
Now that the UK is out of the EU, I am an immigrant. My 'value' to the british society is evaluated in a different way. And there is always the threat that I will be 'sent back home' if I am not good enough anymore.
When you arrive in a country as an immigrant, your expectations are different too. In particular, you dint expect to be able to make your life in that country for ever wo becoming a citizen (or if you dnt, you also know there are risks). This is not what EU citizens came for.

@BurneyFanny, @WhereShallWeMoveTo, @AtomicRabbit
For those who say its not about being denoted, that where we live is still home and nothing has changed....
coud you explain tome how you can, as british people, know how an EU citizen feel? Coiuld you also explain to me how its ok to dismiss what people who are actually LIVING the issue feel because you dint think thats how they shoud feel?
Its not because people dont react the ay you expect them/want them to react that they are wrong in the way they feel. Just saying.

@AtomicRabbit, my comment about not being properly british isnt about nationality and passport. Its about how people react to you and see you.
If I go down the street speaking french to my dcs, we might well all have britsh citizenship, we arent treated as british.
If I start speaking my fluent english with a french accent (yes even after 20 years...), I might well have the britih citizenship, people will not treat me as british. I'll have all the questions about where I am coming from, which nationality I am (I can say I am british, I can tell you people will not 'believe me' and will ask but here are you REALLY coming from?).
Even my won dcs who do not have any of those issue somehow 'stick out' because they dont quite 'fit' the british rules of behaviour. As seen by the times where they have been told 'to go back home'.

So yes a citizenship does make you 'safer', would give me the right the stay regardless etc... It will not make me british in the eyes of people aorund me/people in the street I am interacting with etc....

Why didn't you change your name to your husband's British one which doesn't 'sound Jewish'?

1. Because Italian women keep their own names.

2. Why should she do this to appease thugs?

@TiddlestheCat, I think that when you are frightened to kicked out of the country you have been living in for the last 20 or 30 years, where your DH and your dcs live, it IS a really big thing to happen. And yes I would put it along the same line than a child in hospital etc...

Many EU citizens are only been given a 'pre settled status' for example, even though they have live in the UK for much longer than 5 years. And they are scarred that they will have to then the end of 2020 will come. Will they have to apply for IL to remain the same way that all the immigrants for example? (aka extremely hard to get and very costly).

If I had to do that, I would loose my family. That woud be my reality. Because I have a chronic illness, I would not fit the criteria (on wages) as an imigrant. My DH is on the spectrum, he wouldnt be able to follow me to my home country. Nor would my dcs who are doing their exams (GCSE?Alevels). Putting me in that situaton would mean me going back hoome and losing everything. Being able to see my dcs on a daily basis or even EOW. Loosing my relationhsip and family.
This could become this massive huge issue for EU citizens and I dont think telling them its not serious/bad is showing any compassion watsoever towards them.

My sister-in-law died of a brain tumour when she was 36, two years ago.
If people feel heartbroken because their cat has run away, because their best friend is moving to a distant city, because of Brexit , because they fell out with someone... the they feel heartbroken.
Does anyone think we should allow the term only for people whose heart is literally, physically " broken"?
Or are we going to be sensible and see that it is an expression that basically mean you are feeling very sad?

I have found most comments here interesting. Some were putting things into perspective ( without feeling the need to remind OP that " but there are worse things in the world!), some were informative, some were heartwarming ( am I allowed to say this, dear members of the vocab police?)

What a disgraceful sign. Of course the majority of leavers are not as prejudiced as this. But to be sure all racists voted Leave and were out celebrating yesterday. It’s a slippery slope now, it really is. Racist incidents on the rise, cut off our closest neighbours and not even with a handshake but with plenty of sneering and rubbing salt in the wounds as we witnessed a couple of days ago in the EU parliament. It’s a different country now, glad I’ve recently left.

Italy is one of the worst countries I know for division between regions and the xenophobic hate that causes.

So I’m just fine about the U.K. it’s not perfect. But fuck me, it’s better than a lot of places.

And being an immigrant is not a bad thing. Half my family are immigrants not from Europe. They seem to get along fine.

There’s going to be another country that comes out soon, of that I have no doubt. And it won’t be a country that needs the EU

As I’ve said loads. People this isn’t personal. If you think it is, you’ve got a massively inflated sense of your own self. Which I guess is positive in many ways.

I really hope we don’t end up like Italy. That’s all I can hope for. Then we are FUCKED

1) Because Italian women keep their own names

2) Why should she do this to appease thugs?

I was asking the OP and not you StarBucks. That is a losing attitude btw.

Coming with th FOM, I never felt there was this weight attached to me been in the UK. That I had to behave like a good immigrant (eg not claiming any benefits, being valuable to the society -whatever that means- etc...).

I don't really understand this point. I'm British born but an EU citizen, I would never consider moving to another country regardless if it was in or out of Europe where I couldn't support myself & speak the language as I don't think I'd cope & luckily Ive never had too.

If I go down the street speaking french to my dcs, we might well all have britsh citizenship, we arent treated as british.

What is British? Am I British? Is my DH whose parents are French British? My best friend speaks Gujarati, is she British?

Even my won dcs who do not have any of those issue somehow 'stick out' because they dont quite 'fit' the british rules of behaviour

What are the British rules of behaviour? I have no idea personally. I have a "foreign" name that honours my heritage. Lots of people have asked all my life "where's it from?", "what does it mean", etc. I've never taken it as a sign that I don't fit in but I never have questioned if I fit in or what i'm meant to fit into.