to be heartbroken

[MonnaLIza]

It's a beautiful, sunny day. I am healthy. I have a new job, which I love. I also love my DH and kids and I am loved by them. We own a good home, a 'machine for living in', with room for everyone, and we can afford food and occasional treats such as days out and holidays. We bake bread, make muffins (which sometimes turn out to be edible) and go support our local football team. We are all reasonably educated and articulate, fully tax solvent and in socially meaningful professions (that's me and DH, our kids are in education).

And yet, there is a definitely low mood in the house today, and this is not just because I am recovering from clinical depression. Today, even if nothing seems different, is the first day of my life as an 'outsider'. I am no longer a EU citizen in my own country but officially an 'other'. An immigrant.

I am now somebody who needs to prove their right to be here, in their own home. Another layer of bureaucracy, more practical struggles. But it's the change in my 'status' that breaks my heart. I am no longer part of this country which I have made my home for the last twenty years.

Yes, I have 'settled status', an invisible document, which I have obtained in a much less easy way that the government would like you to think (for instance I could not use my iPhone to register as it only worked on android phones). An invisible document which proclaims to be valid until it's valid. No doubt in the future there will be more hoops to jumps, more papers to fill and i just hope these hoops and jumps will come when I am fit, young and tech-savy enough to be able to jump them.

I will, of course, snap out of this, but at the moment I am, I think not unreasonably, heartbroken.

And my biggest heartbreak is not for me - Katie Hopkins compared immigrants to cockroaches for our resilience and, ultimately, I am resilient. When I realised the industry I was in was getting destroyed by Brexit and austerity I got another job. I have qualifications and skills. I will survive in my immigrant-coackrochy ways.

No, my biggest heartbreak is for Britain itself, for the people who have been interviewed on TV who are celebrating Brexit without being able to articulate one single benefit of it to their life. I have lived in this country long enough to have seen another Britain, a multicultural, vibrant, accepting country, where having an accent and coming from somewhere else was considered an exciting, interesting thing. I can still see that in some enlightened places, which are increasingly engulfed by the darkness of 'patriotism'.

I guess I am heartbroken because I had not only imagined a brighter future, I had seen how great things can be, and now the lights are going off.

We are discussing moving to Scotland or Ireland. It would be easy for me and my DH but harder on their kids. They are born in England, they are English. What to do - stay and resists? Move?

I do not know yet. I will know soon, we will talk and make plans.

But today I am heartbroken.

Kind of agreeing with whereshallwemoveto and I’m a remainer who has lived in many EU countries as the globally-mobile educated middle classes of the world tend to do.

I regret the Brexit decision but I also hear loud and clear that my world choices and preferences are not working for large swathes of this country. And I am chastened by that.

I don’t actually think Brexit will improve matters much for the North East, for example. But I think it is about time we listened to people outside of the political circle of influence (I include myself in that being a Londoner working in the City)

So no, it’s not about you OP. I realise it’s a pain and the bureaucracy is a bore (although you are Italian so surely it’s a breeze compared to the daily grind of bureaucracy there ?). But basically, chin up . It’s still pretty decent here.

I voted remain, my parents & many of their friends voted leave. They are all immigrants 🤷‍♀️

just some thoughts...

not sure that the 300% over budget 2 week London-based sports fest is something to be proud of - I know that some environmental projects here in not-London didn't happen directly because of the overspend there. (original budget 2.4bn, final cost 8.77bn)

Katie Hopkins does not represent most of the country any more that Tommy Robinson (or indeed Bob Geldof, yelling at Farage on a boat in an unedifying display a few years back).

Op says that Italy is a definite bad place to be Jewish. While anti-semitism is everywhere, that does not apply to the UK. And Brits going to live in Eu countries have had to do paperwork too for the last however many years, it works both ways.

I'm depressed too today.
I became a 3rd country national where I live in the EU.
Had to listen to my Mum crowing about it.
She's one of those that voted based on immigration and not wanting the EU telling the UK what to do.

Then, shortly after the referendum she moved to the same EU count as me and became an immigrant there.

She can't give a reasoned argument to why leaving is good.

The current parallels with Germany in the 1930s are truly concerning.

They are, but we get shouted at for saying that.

It doesn't mean the end result will be the same but if anyone studies Germany in the very early 1930s there are some definite parallels.

I'd apply for a British passport if you can. Then it will feel more normal and like you belong here. Don't bother with settled status. I agree that would feel odd to me too.

Go through all the hoops and get the passport.

Who knows what will happen further down the line. The EU needs to evolve and change. I can see us rejoining some years down the line but it is a bit male, pale and stale.

It's a shame they didn't use the opportunity of the UK leaving to think how to create a new level of democracy within the institutions. But they're all too busy with their own internal crises. France has the gillet jaunes, ongoing, with a media news blackout and economy going backwards for years. Germany is on the edge of recession and still trying to absorb 1 million migrants without a hard lurch to the right. Merkel is finished. Italy has had many problems too with migrants and more and more right-wing unstable parties coming to the fore. Italy, Spain and various other countries are in a jobs crisis. This is from 2017 but it underlines the problems within. www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4664068/85-000-people-apply-THIRTY-jobs-bank-Italy.html

Other countries are and have been very unhappy with some of the terms of the EU on an economic basis. Some states have done well, other far less so. Greece was hung out to dry. It's certainly not perfect. I wish that we could have stayed, for all its flaws I loved the EU for many many reasons - but ultimately if you don't evolve, you will lose valued partners along the way.

Here's to EU 2.0 and UK rejoining an improved better version. The whole thing needs a rethink and more than anything they need to listen to all the people of Europe. Not just people in ivory towers or other politicians. I do believe they live in bubble and this is why we are where we are.

While anti-semitism is everywhere, that does not apply to the UK.

Surely this doesn't mean you think there's no anti semitism in this country?

@callmeadoctor you must be worried sick. I hope things improve soon for your ds.

Your post is a bit dramatic, I mean I have lots of experience of French bureaucracy.. and symptomatic of the London/rest of UK divide & I say this as a born & bred Londoner.

I felt sad already and tbh this thread has made me even more sad. Some really nasty digs and opinions on here. I am Scottish, was pro 'better together' and hate the UK right now. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of this country. (And the irony is, someone will come along and tell me to 'leave then' in a minute - and I now hope Scotland does.)

• @7salmonswimming why is this a race to the bottom? The OP has every right to feel as she does, the fact that the Windrush scandal happened doesn't mean she should just suck it up!*

This sums up my feelings on people telling OP she can't be sad because others have it worse.
This is a nonsense idea.
On the positive side OP you are still an EU citizen and I'm thinking could pass this onto your dc?
My dc have been asset stripped of their EU citizenship and I cannot do anything about it.
I do completely understand why you are sad at being othered personally and why you are regretful for the choices the UK has made.

@MonnaLIza, I am the same. Now EU immigrant rather than an eu citizen exercising their FOM.

The U.K. was my home. Now it’s where I live. I have basically been told I am now lesser than and I have to prove I am worthy of the chance of being in the uk (like any immigrant btw).
I had a connexion with the U.K. that has been walked all over. And still, after 20 years, going back home would make me just as much of a foreigner. Because in 20 years, I HAVE changed and absorbed much of what it means to be british. My passport doesn’t reflect ‘who I am’ anymore. I am from both countries and now I am told I’m not.

Brexit has destroyed my future as I saw it because I have been told I don’t belong here anymore.
And it has made my life a série of uncertainties, things to try and protect myself from again and again. If I will be able to stay, under which condition, what about my job, my dcs, my marriage.

I'd apply for a British passport if you can. Then it will feel more normal and like you belong here.

I doubt it. Seeing that my own dual national, BRITISH born in the U.K. and having always lived in the U.K., children aren’t seen a truly/fully BRITISH (by my own PIL amongst others...), there is no way the OP (or myself) will ever be considered BRITISH.

Although 7salmonswimming's post was a bit harsh, I agree with the sentiment - you haven't lost your way of life, you've lost a privilege.

As the non-EU spouse of a British citizen, DH and I will have spent close to £10,000 on immigration fees and hundreds of hours filling out paperwork. But such is the way of life and government bureaucracy, and you have been incredibly lucky to avoid having to do that. Perhaps, down the line, you'll have to do similar, as thousands of others have to. Inconvenient, not a train smash.

We have a lot of European friends, all of which have said life isnt going to be the same, they're unsure where to go at this point, but ultimately all seem to agree in the fact that they felt England was their home, there was a sense of belonging which has eroded over the past few years.

It's a sad time.

I'm sorry that things are the way they are right now. I never thought we would leave the EU.

What’s actually wrong with being an immigrant?
Why would you not feel at home.
Would you feel different if you had moved to Canada for 20 years?
Honestly -

Brit in Europe here. I totally get it.

What’s actually wrong with being an immigrant? I do wonder if this is such a calamity because the majority of the migrants in question are now white. Racism isn’t new, complex immigration procedures aren’t new but they now affect people who thought they were immune

@callmeadoctor - I'm sending hopeful, positive healing thoughts (and prayers if they're wanted) to you and your family. A post like yours really does put things into perspective.

I doubt it. Seeing that my own dual national, BRITISH born in the U.K. and having always lived in the U.K., children aren’t seen a truly/fully BRITISH (by my own PIL amongst others...), there is no way the OP (or myself) will ever be considered BRITISH.

According to whom? I consider myself British & have dual nationality. My Nigerian, Indian, Irish, Iranian, French, etc friends & family are the same. We were all born here & I woke up feeling just as British as yesterday.

There is nothing wrong with being an immigrant, I am currently one.
But I chose to be one, I understood what I was signing up for.
That is very different to having your status and rights removed from you, when you have done nothing wrong and haven't signed up to the change.
This surely isn't difficult to understand?

I voted remain and I do feel sympathy for those who now feel displaced but honestly, today's date can't make it feel any worse than it did after the original vote, the country voted to leave! Did everyone think that it wasn't the final say? That we'd have another vote? I know a few friends and colleagues who have moved in the last 2 years to live in their birth/partners country because they didn't want to live in the UK when it was not part of the EU.

We can't change anything any more than we could yesterday or the day after the referendum. We can only change how we choose to live our lives going forward. I know my work will slowly dry up over the the next 3 years so have made plans to broaden my horizon for when I'm inevitably redundant in my field (oil & gas but not one of the ones on mega bucks sadly).

I sort of think YABU but understand why, if your country of birth is so inhospitable why so cross at UK for what you perceive to be the same?

What’s actually wrong with being an immigrant?

Yes I think it's actually a bit offensive to be annoyed at being seen as an immigrant. My parents & many of their friends faces prejudice & hardship moving to another country in order to better their lives, my Jewish friends grandmother changed her name to hide her heritage. None of this is acceptable but it's interesting that it's a big problem now that more white people are getting included.

MonnaLiza, please don't move, sit it out. It will be good here again.

Your post was so very, very sad and a fine piece of writing.

Yes but it's not about what other people think Nomdedieu, it's about what you think and what the law states.

If you have a British passport, you are British by LAW and no one but no one can argue with that.

I can see it must be a shock but in the end this is the only choice: British passport and screw whatever anyone else thinks.

Once you are British you can vote, you have access to everything, you can never be forced to leave. I don't know what the problem is. There are millions of ethnic minorities who are British and have a British passport from all around the world in terms of descent/origin other than being white. Are they not British? I think of them as British.

Just get on board and stop listening to the bigots.