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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH holding hands with another woman

83 replies

windinglane · 01/02/2020 11:59

At a recent party DH was sitting holding hands with a woman who is a family friend. I spoke to him afterwards about it. He says she got hold of his hand and he did not want to throw it off. She was being quite open about it. He has promised to keep his distance from her. AIBU to mind the hand holding? She is not in a relationship.

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 01/02/2020 12:00

That is proper weird maybe his mum or a sibling he was very close to but family friend? No really weird. YANBU

wildcherries · 01/02/2020 12:02

It's weird that he just let her hold his hand without comment.

Plumpplums · 01/02/2020 12:03

Some people are very touchy feely. I have friends who hold my hand when they are talking. It's up to your husband to tell her if he is uncomfortable with this

Keepmewarm · 01/02/2020 12:04

Depends, is she much older? For example Auntie Edith grabbing dh hand I wouldn’t mind. Someone the same or similar age I might be a bit weirded out.

Rezie · 01/02/2020 12:06

I guess it depends. If they were in deep conversation and she is touchy feely I can see that happening. But if they were just sitting holding hands and chatting to a group of people then that's just weird.

Apackoflips · 01/02/2020 12:07

I can see how it could happen if your DH is a lovely person who didnt want to offend a family friend. If it was just for this conversation and they didnt resume their cosy hand holding afterwards I would tend to accept his explanation. This time.
He know now that its not right and should never happen again. He should take steps to prevent its recurance .

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2020 12:07

Agree is this someone he could be in a relationship with? Or is she for example elderly? Does she have mental health issues you're aware of?

I'd be very concerned if she was in an age range appropriate and not suggesting sever anxiety or something. I would assume an affair or one brewinf. It is very odd.

Nanna50 · 01/02/2020 12:10

I’m very tactile, however I’ve never taken hold of someone’s hand during conversation and I’m very touchy feely.

How long was this for?

I might hold someone’s hand if I was comforting them but more like to hug them but this would be someone close.

Scarydinosaurs · 01/02/2020 12:11

So weird!

I wouldn’t hold the hand of a male friend. Just thinking about it makes me laugh- how utterly weird!

But- I would hold the hand of a female friend. Especially if there was an emotional conversation.

Is this family friend dying or recently bereaved? Was it just a really emotional moment??

CakeandCustard28 · 01/02/2020 12:12

I would of called her out there and then. Bit odd unless she’s old enough to be his Nan and was having an emotional moment?

Curiosity101 · 01/02/2020 12:13

YANBU but he's said he'll keep his distance and you've not said anything else to hint that you have reason to worry so don't give it another thought.

It reminds me of a time shortly after me and my DH met. He was probably 17/18 at the time. One of his mum's friends had come over to visit for the evening... she really likes her wine Wink

Anyways my DH (boyfriend at the time), went up to his room and found her laid on his bed on her back (fully clothed) but suggestively... if that makes sense? She must have been ~30 at the time. Long story short
over the years she was always a bit too touchy feely for my liking (don't know if there was actually anything in it or if that's just how she was) but that didn't mean my DH was interested.

Iggypoppie · 01/02/2020 12:15

Is that normal type of behaviour for her? Either way, hopefully you and DH can avoid her for a bit to give you some reassurance that there was nothing intended by it.

Lipz · 01/02/2020 12:15

Were they holding hands properly? Or was she resting her hand on his ? I often rest my hand on someone else's when having a deep serious conversation. Sort of like a 'I'm here for you' gesture.

Sleeveen · 01/02/2020 12:16

Some people are just very tactile. I personally find it annoying from either sex, but I have strolled around NY in icy conditions arm in arm with a close male friend. No sexual intent.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2020 12:16

Have you asked him how he’d feel if you were holding another man’s hand?

I wouldn’t be happy about this at all. How are his personal boundaries normally? There’s polite and there’s weird.

GreyishDays · 01/02/2020 12:16

He should have faked a sneeze or a leg cramp or something though.

Dita73 · 01/02/2020 12:16

Why didn’t you say anything while it was happening?

TexasTina · 01/02/2020 12:19

Some people do this. They're more affectionate than others. It depends on the intent. Is she simply one of those really nice and kind people who hold hands or was she trying to steal your husband? If she was trying to steal him, would he go?

I wouldn't be concerned unless she wanted to steal him and if she tried he would go.

I'm not that nice obv but some people are and the world is a better place for them. If forget about it Smile

fruitbrewhaha · 01/02/2020 12:22

I don't think it's that weird really.

I was out for a birthday last night. My friend was way more drunk than the rest of us, she was hugging everyone, holding my hand and was definitely stroking my DP on the arm at one point. She could have easily held his hand. She was also dancing when there was no music, she was hilarious. It was her DH's birthday, he as amused too. I think she have skipped dinner.

BigFatLiar · 01/02/2020 12:23

My OH has form for hand holding, hugging and kissing the cheek of a couple of women has done for a while (we're OLD!). He's known them since he was a toddler, grew up with them, one next door one across the street. Their mums friends with his mum. They're almost like extended family. Must admit though he doesn't do this with anyone else (apart from me and the girls & GC), he doesn't like touching other people.

Did he say what she was talking about?

He has promised to keep his distance from her.

Does he think you don't trust him?

Original poster
windinglane · 01/02/2020 12:27

Thank you for your replies, I am so glad that you think IANBU. She is the same age as us and very attractive and stylish. Her hand was on top - she was doing the holding. I did not say anything at the time because frankly I felt embarrassed for her. I don't think she wants my DH for herself and he does not want her - he loves me (famous last words). I think she was showing me she could have him if she wanted. That is so childish I feel ashamed writing it.

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 01/02/2020 12:30

How old is she? It does sound weird - not just her holding his hand but the fact he continued to let her because he ‘couldnt throw her off’.

Rubbish. He could have reached for a drink, coughed and put his hand to his mouth, made an excuse to search his pockets for his phone, got up to ‘go to the toilet’, etc.

BreatheAndFocus · 01/02/2020 12:32

I think she was showing me she could have him if she wanted. That is so childish I feel ashamed writing it

Oh, well - it’s her then. I take back most of what I said about your DH. Don’t feel ashamed. Listen to your instincts and keep away from the nasty, pathetic woman.

MashedSpud · 01/02/2020 12:33

I’d be having a word with her telling her to keep her hands to herself and wouldn’t invite her to any future gatherings.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 01/02/2020 12:33

It’s not childish at all OP. Your DH has held hands with another woman in front of you. This is not normal.

Like others have said, he could have faked a cough or sneeze or cramp or just said he needed the loo then come over to you.