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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH holding hands with another woman

83 replies

windinglane · 01/02/2020 11:59

At a recent party DH was sitting holding hands with a woman who is a family friend. I spoke to him afterwards about it. He says she got hold of his hand and he did not want to throw it off. She was being quite open about it. He has promised to keep his distance from her. AIBU to mind the hand holding? She is not in a relationship.

OP posts:

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/02/2020 13:31

I think all this plotting to 'warn her off' looks a bit pathetic though. They were in public, you were there, nothing was happening, they were probably engaged in conversation.

If you know he's uninterested in her, and telling you she's a bit weird, what's the issue?

The main one is to increase his assertiveness and get him to simply take his hand away, or move away. If they are not good friends, this is not a hardship.

You don't need to stamp your territory. Over the years, I've seen women laugh a bit overly loudly at my husband's jokes, invite him and not me to coffee, be touchy feely, even engineer to go to events together away (he really was scared that time and didn't go!) He's also had some amazing women friends with whom he's laughing, chatty, has a fun time but doesn't place his hands on them or vice versa. Trust in him to handle it and don't go round warning people about this woman or holding her hand to make a point (you will look like the nutter, not her, she and certainly others will have completely forgotten about it).

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/02/2020 13:31

That's funny, crustycrab, an excellent suggestion.

SpillTheTea · 01/02/2020 13:36

He should have just pulled his hand away, it's not difficult.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 01/02/2020 13:37

Ha. You definitely should have sat beside her and held her other hand. Turn the awkwardness back on her

Best suggestion in the whole thread!

IdleLiz · 01/02/2020 13:39

Some women are very insecure. She wants every man to hang off every word she says, it's just an ego boost for her.

I'd have to make a joke about it, don't let her see you are wound up.

Your DH needs to also put a stop to it and stop lapping up the attention.

Original poster

windinglane · 01/02/2020 13:39

I am off out in a minute. Want to say thank you all so much for commenting. I've had some very good advice today and a lot to think about. Thanks for taking the time.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2020 13:40

Yeah I'm sorry but just slipping your hand away isn't difficult. No need to hold hands for a prolonged period. As said, I don't know any one who was an nt adult who would not do so.

For me op both your husband and her behaviour is very odd.

CalmFizz · 01/02/2020 13:43

There's been many a woman who's posted on here how certain they are their husband isn't having an affair.

I'd be looking at his phone.

Wonkybanana · 01/02/2020 13:59

I'd be looking at his phone

Unless there's much more to this, that's a bit of a leap.

OP why not help yourself and your DH at the same time? Next time you're at something and she's there, YOU hold his hand. have him put his arms round your waist/shoulders and give you a squeeze, with a little very affectionate glance thrown in, that sort of thing. I get that at a party you might want to be off talking to people separately, but do this a couple of times and she should get the message. It'll piss her off no end!

lljkk · 01/02/2020 14:09

I think a lot of blokes wouldn't know what to do in that situation, I think I'd let him off the hook this time.

She's just weird. Avoid.

Drabarni · 01/02/2020 14:16

Gosh, I better be careful i don't hold hands with the wrong family friend then , just in case his wife thinks I'm trying to steal him.

maddening · 01/02/2020 14:21

If she does it again sit the other side of her and hold her other hand and.say "well, this is nice isn't it Sandra"

BigFatLiar · 01/02/2020 14:24

@Drabarni - Don't even think of it you femme fatale! You hussey! Holding hands! How very dare you!

FuzzyAtmosphere · 01/02/2020 14:29

YANBU and having read your updates, YADNBU.

There are few appropriate times I can think of for a female family friend to hold hands with somebody else’s husband eg is if she is much older and frailer, so genuinely needs some support getting up or moving around. I love the idea of you sitting beside her and holding her other hand.

DoesItGetAnyBetter · 01/02/2020 14:30

It sounds like your DH was the rabbit in the headlights. I would give him a break.

I have a touchy-feely friend who is touchy-feely with everyone- men, women, strangers. I always feel a little uncomfortable because it’s not the way I am, however I have no doubt in her intentions.

Unfortunately your “friend” sounds toxic and she enjoys throwing herself at other people’s husbands.

Should there be a next time I would (without making a scene) quietly tell her to keep her hands to herself as she risks looking like a foolish trollop.

SnoozyLou · 01/02/2020 14:31

No. It's inappropriate. She sounds like an attention seeking knob to be honest.

Shockers · 01/02/2020 14:37

Next time she tries it, say,”Oi- he’s my bitch.” Hopefully your husband will realise then that to avoid embarrassment on all sides, he should be pulling his own hand away.

Pipandmum · 01/02/2020 14:42

I know people who do this - man woman or child. But if you get a funny niggle then maybe she was being as you suggest. But if you trust your husband tell him that could he just gently pull his hand away next time.

SnorkMaiden81 · 01/02/2020 15:09

Thinking about this, I think it's a power thing.
Men do it. You know the overly looonnngggg handshake where they grasp you and won't let your hand go until they've said what they were going to say or made their impression or whatever...it's just uncomfortable. I'd think it too rude to pull away too.

My default isn't to side with the man in this kind of situation but I kind of get it.... he was probably a rabbit caught in the headlights and didn't know how to react. I wouldn't necessarily assume the worst.

She sounds needy.

damnthatanxiety · 01/02/2020 15:28

So weird!...I wouldn’t hold the hand of a male friend. Just thinking about it makes me laugh- how utterly weird!...But- I would hold the hand of a female friend. Especially if there was an emotional conversation.

What is weird is that people are so horrified at something platonic with a male friend but totally cool if it is a female friend. Friends are just friends. Don't be weird about men/women.

billy1966 · 01/02/2020 15:38

I'm not the jealous sort at all.
But.....I would through my husband for a shortcut if he disrespected me like that.

It wouldn't be jealousy it would be " who the hell do you think you are, thinking that's ok?"....and if he's that flattered that he needs that....tell him he needs to move out for a few days and give his head time to think.

She is rude and has whatever going on with her....but your husband is a disgrace to think it's acceptable to behave like that in front of you.

Sickandscared · 01/02/2020 15:39

I know this approach isn't for everyone but I would have smiled and asked bluntly why are you two holding hands?

billy1966 · 01/02/2020 15:42

OP, what I'm trying to say is that if my husband was prepared to advertise how little he thought of me in public like that......I wouldn't want him coming home with me.

Absolutely disrespectful and the cheek of him to think it's ok😡

billy1966 · 01/02/2020 15:43

@Sickandscared

I think a lot of people would do just that.

NearlyGranny · 01/02/2020 15:53

Is her name Jolene? I think it's a bit of power play on her behalf. If it happens again,

"Oh, look at you, Jolene, holding onto DH's hand like you're childhood sweethearts! Bless... "

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