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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH holding hands with another woman

83 replies

windinglane · 01/02/2020 11:59

At a recent party DH was sitting holding hands with a woman who is a family friend. I spoke to him afterwards about it. He says she got hold of his hand and he did not want to throw it off. She was being quite open about it. He has promised to keep his distance from her. AIBU to mind the hand holding? She is not in a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
windinglane · 01/02/2020 12:34

You are right Breathe, she is the same age as us and I think he is flattered by her - she follows him about a lot - and she is very attractive.
I think my DH means no harm but has boundary issues and needs telling what's what sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
windinglane · 01/02/2020 12:36

Indeed Julie, I will make sure he does not do it again. He has agreed to keep his distance from her. She kind of worries me though - I am thrown together with her a lot socially and I do wonder what she thinks she is up to.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/02/2020 12:37

So was she holding his hand or did she just rest her hand on top of his for a short period as she spoke? It's a bit unclear now.

Original poster
windinglane · 01/02/2020 12:39

Holding, not resting, Bluntness. She has form for being competitive with me in our social group, perhaps she is just trying to fuck me up.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/02/2020 12:40

" I think she was showing me she could have him if she wanted."

Would your husband be getting a say in that??

Tell him not to be so ridiculous in future & throw off any hand that he doesn't want to hold.

PicsInRed · 01/02/2020 12:40

I think she was showing me she could have him if she wanted

This is one of the few occasions where a good freezing out is warranted. I'd also tell anyone who asked "why" you and DH no longer associate with her. These people rely on a "dignified" response (i.e. secrecy) from the victim, so don't let her have it.

Also, this. Show it to your DH too.
www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a24736/beware-dog-whistle-girl/

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 01/02/2020 12:41

Wtf?

Yanbu, that would really piss me off.

BreatheAndFocus · 01/02/2020 12:41

I’m angry on your behalf @windinglane Due to past experience, I have an extremely low threshold for women who make plays for other people’s husbands (yes, yes - I know it takes two to tango).

If it was me, and I had the chance, I’d kindly speak to this woman, ask how she is and stress how much my DH pitied her, and how he’d told me all about their conversation, etc.

You don’t actually have to do that, but I’d make sure she had no opportunity to do something like that again.

Hepsibar · 01/02/2020 12:42

Ugh these touchy feely people who lack emotional intelligence and think they can be touchy feely with whoever just hideous. Unless of course they are v young or v old or have some sort of mental disorder or are in pain.

I can imagine the awkwardness but we need to all be assertive... please do not hug me, please let go of my hand ... or just move away.

CakeandCustard28 · 01/02/2020 12:43

Sounds like it’s time to ditch the friend!

diddl · 01/02/2020 12:43

As for means no harm-to whom?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/02/2020 12:47

I think she was showing me she could have him if she wanted. I used to have a SIL who did that! It is absolutely unbelievable, until it happens to you!

My DH was pretty oblivious. He didn't actually like her, so was used to having to put up with her and her actions for the sake fo famil realtions (hollow laugh, 20 years + NC). She used to do things like draping herself over his shoulder, hugging him and grinning at me, went pretty much unnoticed... until someone in a pub asked what she was doing!! She was a tad embarrassed as the person wouldn't let it go...

You can make one of 2 choices, ignore it or look her in the eye and mouth "Oh bless!" every time you see it! I always chose the latter because I was certain of DH.

Original poster
windinglane · 01/02/2020 12:48

Wow Piscin, I feel a bit naive not knowing that women might carry on like this. I think I have been too bleeding nice. I will tell some people in our social circle and I will be avoiding her as much as I cam.

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 01/02/2020 12:53

It’s weird that he would rather disrespect you than hurt her feelings. Dangerous territory.

Original poster
windinglane · 01/02/2020 12:55

Jellybean. Disrespect is just the word I used - he was mortified to be fair. It won't be happening again, unless he wants to pop off and live with her.

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 01/02/2020 12:56

That’s weird, that would annoy me. If she grabbed his hand for a second while telling a story or something I’d say she was just touch freely or trying to flirt but to openly hold his hand is odd. It’s really weird of your husband not to let go or take back his hand.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 01/02/2020 12:58

My advice is not making a fuss with your husband, ignore the twat, she is doing it to get you to have a fight with your husband (and your husband interested, so don’t point out to him he has a chance with her!)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/02/2020 13:08

You're not 'embarrassed for her', OP, you're concerned because she's stepping on your territory - and let you know that she was dong it.

Your husband needs to work on putting appropriate boundaries where they need to be as a married person.

pandora101 · 01/02/2020 13:12

very unlikely, but
if they have a secret affair, her coming after him publicly would be her move for you to react

husbands dont want to make decisions (to leave the wife what they promised to the OW), so the mistresses get bold to force them to be open and move the situation

I would talk to this women and see what she says (and how), say if she wants some shoulders to cry on, try yours

tbh I would go there when I see the "holding hands" at the event and hold her hand myself and say: tell rather me what bothers you in life, my husband is useless in giving advice :)

maybe she was just drunk and touched everyone.... was she holding hands with anyone else there to your knowledge?

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2020 13:19

Honestly then I don't know what's wrong with your husband. I don't know any man who would sit there meekly holding hands like that then proclaim to be a victim and mortified when asked about it.

The thing about telling everyone is it's not just her holding his hand, he was holding hers. Unless he had his hand straight out which is doubtful and would have been weird.

Something not right there. Whatever way you cut it, making this all her fault and uour husband some hapless victim as opposed to a willing participant probably isn't doing uou any favours

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/02/2020 13:20

It sounds like it wasn't a quick light touch or hand on the arm or even a hug round the shoulders, all of which my male friends might do. But the huge difference is that I wouldn't be remotely embarrassed that my partner would see, and I'd be happy with it.

This woman did something that made your husband really uncomfortable (so he says anyway) and should definitely stop/be stopped, just by moving away, moving hand, saying 'don't do that please' or just avoiding her a bit. I find it a bit pathetic to be honest that your husband didn't just get up and go to the loo if he felt so uncomfortable!

I wouldn't bother involving other friends, you already sound a bit jealous and easily threatened by her style and looks and others might see things differently (e.g. perhaps your husband looked like he was having a great time, we are all touchy-feely friends, you are insecure).

She sounds a right one though!

blueshoes · 01/02/2020 13:21

Next time you can go and sit next to her and hold her hand.

crustycrab · 01/02/2020 13:22

I usually agree with bluntness but on this occasion I've got to disagree. I know loads of men who actually wouldn't know where to put themselves if an attractive, over the top woman did something as socially awkward and this in a group situation.

Not wanting to cause a fuss, upset/offend a woman, Rather laugh it off etc.

She's playing games with you OP. Cut her off

Original poster
windinglane · 01/02/2020 13:22

Sober as a judge, she was, Pandora. I am s sure as anyone can ever be that he is not having an affair. She is up to no good, but I am not convinced she wants to snaffle him.

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crustycrab · 01/02/2020 13:23

Ha. You definitely should have sat beside her and held her other hand. Turn the awkwardness back on her

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