His sexting leaves me cold?

[ExtraFox18]

So much water under the bridge. Children with special needs, lots of hurt and upset and ongoing distress for me at seeing my children suffer our separation and yet if I show any signs of this sadness I get:

How’s your 🍑?
Wanna cum?
I’m so hard.

This just leaves me dead eyed. I need so much more. Is this a turn on for most 40 + women? Am I just a boring prude or is hoping for something more loving,’less mechanical just stupidity. He’s heading for 50.

There’s a saying that we teach people how to treat us. You’ve put up with this for the whole of your relationship so it isn’t surprising that he continues to do it. You talk a lot about his lack of emotional intelligence but to be fair to him, he isn’t a mind reader. If treating you like that got you to marry him and have kids with him it makes sense for him to assume it might make you reconcile with him.

You cannot change another person, the only thing you can do is change your own behaviour. That’s the only power you have here Use it. Tell him what you’ve told us, that you find these messages unattractive and offensive and should stop, all future messages should be about the children only, if he sends any more inappropriate messages you will be blocking his number and all future communications will have to be by email/snail mail.

YANBU - that is disgusting.

You need to take steps to finalise the divorce. You need to do it. Then he can't hold it over you as a control tactic.

He has been treating you poorly for your entire relationship and instead of building you up (as he would have done if he loved you) he exploited your low self esteem.

These messages are continuing his disrespect and contempt for you. They're not a sign he's suddenly going to undergo a magical transformation into a man he never was but that you wished he would be.

This is not love. It's not a whisper of love.

You need to finalise the divorce before this destroys your mental health. Take control of your life. Stop giving him so much power to hurt you and make you jump for him.

I also think you'd probably benefit from therapy and maybe the Freedom Programme to sort your head out. You always deserved better than this and you're not on any scrapheap now. If you get support to recover there's no reason you can't have healthy and fulfilling relationships in your future.

@ExtraFox18

Your updates are revealing.

You ARE vulnerable and lack self-esteem. He's right there.

But you aren't going to be happy in the long term with a man who lacks emotional intelligence. He sounds as if he might have ASD too.

The reason you are unhappy is you are not 100% committed to the divorce. Deep down you are wishing it wasn't happening.

You are clearly not in contact with a divorce solicitor of your own, are you?

How far along the divorce path are you? Is it just your H who is 'divorcing you'?

Did you marry him because you felt you couldn't get another man? Surely the signs of this behaviour were there long before you got married but you didn't want to see them?

You need to start accepting that the marriage is over because in your head you don't. You are hanging onto those crude texts as a sign he cares for you, even though all they do is confirm his lack of emotional intelligence.

Please get yourself a good solicitor to move the divorce along AND a counsellor to work on your self esteem and your own boundaries in relationships.

To say you are now 45 and it's 'over' ( relationships? sex?) again just shows your lack of self worth. There is a whole world of good men out there! People find new partners in their 50s, 60s, 70s and even 80s.

To write yourself off at 45 is silly. You are worth more than this man, so start taking control and not being passive in this situation.
You need to start behaving like a strong woman who knows her own mind.

That is so cringey. Just yuck.

Thanks everyone . You probably won’t think this forthright enough but I sent him this message:

“if we are getting a divorce then I am the wrong audience for your sexts. If we are divorcing I don’t want to sext, flirt or have sex - all that becomes completely inappropriate and is only belittling to us all. If it is your way of trying to connect with me I.e you don’t really want to divorce and still have real feelings for me ( the tone of these texts suggests that is not the case) then we can talk but like adults and not In porn speak. If you do want to divorce then you need to stop sending me this sort of thing please and we need to finalise things.”

The fact is if you don’t like something you just ignore or if your must, tell him to bog off. Some people love the sexting but to just do it out of the blue is weird and it also clearly isn’t your thing.

well that's a start @ExtraFox18 and well done.

Your text also gives him control! What do YOU want? You ask him if he wants to continue with the divorce but what about YOU?
It's your marriage, your life, you need to decide what you want. FGS don't stay with him because you feel you can't get another man, or your children will suffer without their dad in the same house.

Look at the bigger picture of why it's come to this- you lack of self worth.

Oh dear you are just asking for more abuse ....if,, if, if ....wake up, woman !

How far along the divorce path are you both?

Do you have a solicitor?

Has he?

Or is he just living elsewhere and talking about a divorce, like a threat?

That was hard for me to do. I think it’s easy to tell others what to do or be mocking when you are not under the same pressures.

Finances done. This made him angry as my situation is actually better in some ways because I was able to protect my own finances. I sent him petition and he has been sitting on it since the summer. I think he’s trying to save money as he thinks if it’s been 2 years separated we won’t need to divorce.

He just replied: understood, I’m sorry if it as inappropriate. It w appen again.

This sugge steam

We all know it was hard and we are not mocking you.
We are trying to help and giving up precious time on a Sunday morning for that!

Just look at what you wrote. It is all about what HE wants.

'If YOU...' If YOU....

Why is it all about what HE wants?

What about YOU?

You could have written..

I do not wish to receive these texts. Please stop.
We are divorcing. I am seeing my solicitor to this effect.
If you continue to send these texts I will keep them and use them as evidence of unreasonable behaviour.
I will maintain essential contact with you regarding our children but I do not want any contact otherwise from you, especially sexual messages.

NOTE the use of I.

You keep evading the question whether you have a solicitor of if you are a sitting duck just waiting for this man to divorce you and toy with your emotions along the way.

Wake up. Get a grip of your self worth and see someone to help you.

I think he’s trying to save money as he thinks if it’s been 2 years separated we won’t need to divorce.

Eh? he is so intelligent yet thinks you don't need to divorce after two years separation? Is that what you meant to write?

Apologies if you have got a solicitor and started proceedings- you need to ramp that up. After 2 years apart it ought to be finalised.

H has replied: I’m sorry it was inappropriate.!it won’t happen again.
l
This suggests it was purely about sex.

Yes I have a solicitor.

Sorry my phone is broken

I sent him petition and he has been sitting on it since the summer

So why aren't you in touch with your solicitor urging him to follow this up with your H?

You are the client- your sol does what you ask and writes to your H's solicitor.

It's up to you to move it on not your H.

l
This suggests it was purely about sex.
well what did you think or hope it was about?

Did you think these were messages of love?

In the kindest way you really need to get your head sorted out.

Someone here mentioned the Freedom Program- I think it's online. Look into it.

Well, you've got your answer. You offered him the opportunity to talk about your relationship like adults. He's ignored that. So if there was some small part of you that was hoping these sleazy texts were in some way evidence that he hasn't given up on your marriage, you now know that's absolutely not the case. He just fancied a shag, that's all. I'm sorry, OP.

But at least now you know you can properly move on. Stop leaving it all to him though. Instead you need to get onto your solicitor first thing Monday and start pushing to get the Divorce finalised. Take back some control.

Well done OP for texting him and pointing out the sexual messages are inappropriate. That can’t have been easy.

I do understand that it will seem like people are being really harsh on you. It’s only because it’s a bit easier from the outside to see a pattern in a situation.

We would love for you to have more control and equality in the divorce proceedings. It might seem that he holds all the cards but to some of us that appears to be because you are giving them to him to fully control. Hopefully if you are able to rebalance that, (although the divorce will of course still be very traumatic and upsetting), you will feel a bit more positive and in charge of your life again.

It feels like you were conflicted before about what you wanted, a divorce or getting back together. You’ve now had a clear answer from ex that he isn’t interested in rekindling the relationship. So I hope you can move forward with the divorce more proactively and resolve this drawn out limbo. Good luck OP.

I told him
He was obviously just treating me like a hole to
Poke whilst divorcing me and he denied it outright. I asked him to then explain to me what he thinks he is doing. He said he hadn’t had time as it’s complicated.

Well done for finding your boundaries and enforcing them OP
I hope you find peace and happiness in future.

He is still trying to keep control of the situation, even down to his last reply- he wants you to wait until he’s ready to give you an explanation.
I know it’s a horrible difficult situation but believe me, you will feel so much better when you take charge, go grey rock on him(even if that’s not what you feel) and move on to a new, free life. It took me years but it feels amazing. Good luck

I know Sally2791 he always has to have control and leave me hanging in some way. Unfortunately I recognise that I have a desperate psychological weakness for this as I’m sure he knows. Add to that my childrens’ joy in his company and particularly my son’s difficulty in coping with a divorce and it is torturous and so difficult to do. If he were just a gross sleaze all of the time it would be much easier but he isn’t.

@ExtraFox18 You should look into therapy because whatever you are going through now needs sorting or you will have this baggage forever.

Your H is coming over as a sleaze ball to us!

He controls you because you allow it.

If you stood up to him and got some self worth, he couldn't do it.

He also sounds very manipulative.

He can have whatever relationship he wants with your children. He is their father. But that doesn't mean you have to accept crap from him or feel threatened as their Mum.