His sexting leaves me cold?

[ExtraFox18]

So much water under the bridge. Children with special needs, lots of hurt and upset and ongoing distress for me at seeing my children suffer our separation and yet if I show any signs of this sadness I get:

How’s your 🍑?
Wanna cum?
I’m so hard.

This just leaves me dead eyed. I need so much more. Is this a turn on for most 40 + women? Am I just a boring prude or is hoping for something more loving,’less mechanical just stupidity. He’s heading for 50.

It doesn’t sound like either of you want to separate. Time for a big conversation. If sex with him was otherwise good, just say no more sexting ( my husband also awful and banned - he took it in good humour 😆). If this is your ex’s way of blocking any serious conversation though and he will not have one, then I can see divorce would be the way ahead. But either way, he needs to stop - sounds like the sort of chat you get off Tinder.

@ExtraFox18 In some ways it sounds as if you are putting him on a pedestal- they way you keep telling us he is son intelligent/his job/ medical training.

You should understand there is a huge difference between being able to pass exams and hold down a good job and have emotional intelligence.

I'd say the reason who are asking strangers for advice is you are conflicted in your own mind about the separation.

If you had really detached from this man, emotionally, you would know what to do. That means simply telling him to stop sending sexts. Have you actually ever told him to stop?

Part of me thinks you actually enjoy receiving them as it flatters you.
So you need to think about your boundaries.

If a couple are divorcing and seriously doing that, any texts or sexual 'chat up lines' are clearly inappropriate.

I am sure you now that, so the question for yourself is why are you allowing them in your life?

If your ex is so intelligent, he will understand it when you say stop.

The real issue I think is you aren't 100% sure in your own mind whether you want this to stop.

If you do, it's very easy to tell him that.

This just leaves me dead eyed. I need so much more. Is this a turn on for most 40 + women? Am I just a boring prude or is hoping for something more loving,’less mechanical just stupidity

@ExtraFox18 You should not be hoping for anything more at all from a man you are separated from and divorcing. Sexual chat of any kind should be off limits.

If you want 'more' do you mean from him?

Again, as I said in my previous post, you need to decide if this marriage is over. if it is, his texts are cruel because they are taunting you and trying to wind you in.

what DO you want?

ive had experiences of this sort of thing in the (distant) past and found it repulsive. the men who did it kind of didn't have much respect for me. men who treated me well and as an equal didn't do it

The problem here is not about his sexting leaving you cold...you are separated and he should not be doing it at all. Do not engage with him at all apart from issues to do with the children assuming they are still at an age when you really need to.

There is an instagram post we’re a man sends his partner sexy pics - of clean sink! Washing all folded - diy jobs finished dinner cooked , kids homework done ... this is what wives want!!! his texts are about HIS sexual desire and not his desire FOR you that’s why they leave you cold, also if he is not listening to you , also massive turn off , you can do better

@Nofunking, I think youre right

Personally, I love sexting with a DP I love and enjoy having sex with. Nothing leaves me feeling colder than texts like that from a man I have no desire for.

I'm really confused OP and it sounds like you are too after what seems like a really tumultuous time for you.

Based on the information you've shared I would expect your thread to be called something like "ex DP is still sexting me" or "ex DP will sext but not entertain real support" etc.

Every time he sends anything like that, in your position I would respond "please don't send me texts about sex, we aren't together so it's not appropriate"

He might be intellectual OP but he is not intelligent. Not in the way you need. emotional intelligence.

Congratulations on starting to shuffle him out of your life OP. He is seeing you as sex object. Bleurgh!

He sends you these texts knowing they make you distressed and/or uncomfortable, but if you dare tell him so, he punishes you by acting coldly… He is very manipulative, isn’t he? Are used to date someone a bit like this: he would do something similar, and if I said ‘I don’t like it’, he would give me the silent treatment. Horrible way of treating a person you are supposed to care about. Obviously all children with ASD are not the same, and I know a lot of them like routine, but part of me thinks you would be better to just get on with this divorce, get boundaries and routines in place and move forward with your life. Please don’t allow him to get away with this purely because you think it’s best for your child. I actually think he is getting a sexual kick from sending you these messages, knowing that it is distressing you.

I would just reply every time and say each time he sends you a message like this it repulses you even more and confirms more than ever that divorce is the right thing for the two of you.

@ExtraFox18

Have you ever specifically told him these texts disgust you? Have you ever told him in a roundabout fashion they do nothing for you? Have you ever, in any way, shape, or form, had any kind of conversation about these kind of texts at all?

I can’t tell from your OP or follow ups if that’s the case.

Finally. Is it all emotional behaviour he struggles with?

I actually would ignore each and every one of these texts, and leave him feeling silly. Silence says a lot more sometimes. I'd only respond when he acts like a grownup, not a horny adolescent.

He sounds like an empty vessel. You want and need so much more. Close the door on that. X

I think what is worrying @ExtraFox18 is that you are asking if something is unreasonable, but it's not clear what!

You seem to be saying his texts are unreasonable because you don't find them a turn-on and 'need more'.

Given you are divorcing this man, you should not expect anything sexual from him any more.

Where are your boundaries?

You can't expect sexual or intimate texts or anything that meets your 'romantic and sexual needs' from a man you are not living with and are divorcing.

Have you had this conversation with him?

Are the texts his way of saying he doesn't want to be divorced?

Are you both playing some silly game where the divorce is happening (is it??) but neither of you is committed to getting it done?

His texts are inappropriate but honestly, your own reaction to them is as much the issue. Take some control and decide what you want with this guy.

I’d shrivel up if I was sent messages like that. Hardly Wordsworth, is it?

He doesn't sound intelligent to me. Thick as wood and completely inarticulate, more like.

Hardly Wordsworth, is it?
Exactly!

I must admit I’m confused by your post as well. You say the messages aren’t doing it for you and you need more.

But he is your ex?! Surely you don’t need anything like this from him at all?

Thanks.’I am not asking for these texts. I would only want more from him if it meant an In tact family for my children- in order for that to happen I would need much, much
More from him then threes crude texts. I agree it’s awful but I just am so upset for my children that urs hard for me to shut the door when he might still have some love for me.’o agree he’s emotionally unintelligent and that’s why I was asking is it unreasonable for me to feel
So disgusted by these texts or is this just an emotionally inarticulate man?
That’s what I meant. I have not been having sex with him. He knows I am
extremely upset about this all for the children and upset in general . He thinks I like this because I had no self esteem when I met him and this was what he did so I tolerated it not thinking I could expect better. He is certainly not thick he is extent
Bright - the sort that can answer everything on university challenge but yes emotionally devoid of do much. It’s so depressing. I’m mid 40s now and that’s it for me.

The worst incident of this was after our wedding when we got back to our beautiful suite and he threw me in the bed and said: “Now let’s F••k”.

I haven’t told him to stop these texts.’I told him I was disgusted by him wanting sex with me during a divorce with no effort to stop this divorce and reconcile. He was angry and accused me of calling HIM disgusting. He said I was a prude. He waved his finger at me and the started shouting at me about how he we going to call his
Lawyer to finalise the divorce. I still haven’t heard from his lawyer.

I am confused.
Are you divorcing him ?
If not, why not?
His behaviour & sexual aggression stink.
Who needs a lifetime or even moments of this?
Also not a good example of healthy relationships for your children.

You seem passive & unsure of your ground in this situation, but I do not see that as you at fault more that you have been subject to domestic abuse, hence my question if the grounds for the divorce are unreasonable behaviour.

Your description of him fits many a so called charmer or capable person who is actually a nasty bully & uses crude sexual terms to put women down.

Why wait to hear from his lawyer?
Is there some procedural step in the divorce process he’s dallying about? Is he still trying exerting some control over your & the children ?

You say ‘ Please don’t beat me up for having contact with him - it’s what everyone agrees my son with asd needs and can cope with at the moment. I have no way of avoiding time with him.’

Beat you up for doing something? Ahem, get a grip here.
‘everyone agrees’ really ? That’s your GP, your lawyer, children’s teachers, independent people ? Or do you mean his friends & family?
‘I have no way of avoiding him’ - this is not good for you & most certainly not the case. It can be arranged for the children to meet him in a neutral children’s contact space, as your contact with him is doing you NO GOOD.

You need a shit hot lawyer specialising in divorce family law. Try the Law Society web page for divorce & family law specialists in your area.

Also, give Womens Aid a ring.

But you do need to send him a text telling him to ‘cease & desist’ sending you messages of any nature other than arrangements about the children. This is a process step that you need to complete to make it explicitly clear that you do not want any more sex texts.

Just text back 'boring' & have done. Does he think you'll still want sex if you're divorcing, that's odd unless you've made the mistake of doing it a few times since seoarating. I'm not averse to sexting, but that's too porny, unimaginative & not a turn on. For me it'd need to be more subtle, descriptive & mutual, taking into account each others favoured 'things'.

“Wanna cum?”

“Wanna fuck off?”

Or

“Why? Have you suddenly learnt new tricks?”