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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His sexting leaves me cold?

109 replies

ExtraFox18 · 01/02/2020 07:26

So much water under the bridge. Children with special needs, lots of hurt and upset and ongoing distress for me at seeing my children suffer our separation and yet if I show any signs of this sadness I get:

How’s your 🍑?
Wanna cum?
I’m so hard.

This just leaves me dead eyed. I need so much more. Is this a turn on for most 40 + women? Am I just a boring prude or is hoping for something more loving,’less mechanical just stupidity. He’s heading for 50.

OP posts:
Riverviews · 01/02/2020 08:30

This is really bizarre. I don't mind sexting with a partner, and often do, but why would you do it with someone you are divorcing?

Does he realise the relationship is over?

He should support his children and direct his sexual games to someone who is willing to play.

You need to tell him clearly rather than pretend or keep quiet so that he doesn't go cold. Otherwise you are basically trading sex for support.

BlimeyCalmDown · 01/02/2020 08:30

yup send your above message, sounds good.

DearHappy · 01/02/2020 08:32

Do you still live together and share a bed?

NearlyGranny · 01/02/2020 08:33

Send the text: but say 'horny schoolboy' texts, and add, "Neither of us is 14."

Is that really the best he can do?!

Jomarchsburntskirt · 01/02/2020 08:34

I’d absolutely hate these texts, whether I was in a relationship with someone or not. They just seem so cringe. @BelfastNonBlonde I totally agree I can’t imagine why anyone would find them a turn on.

RuffleCrow · 01/02/2020 08:37

He's sexting you even though you're separated? No wonder it leaves you cold! If you were together and having fun you'd probably feel differently. Develop strong boundaries op.

Original poster
ExtraFox18 · 01/02/2020 08:43

This is NOT something new. This is his sexual modus operandi. He is extremely intelligent, works in a top role, medical training, highly educated, well read etc. We live apart and have done for over a year. I loved him so I just put up with the sex stuff before I had kids and then I didn’t want him near me because he was not helping enough snd I certainly didn’t feel like this kind of “ sexy” sex 🤮. I need to talk to him because my children are young and one has ASD and they ask for him constantly and it’s heartbreaking. If he came to me with more than this ) love, affection, care) I could look past his sexual immaturity but it’s like salt in my wounds at the moment . Please don’t beat me up for having contact with him - it’s what everyone agrees my son with asd needs and can cope with at the moment. I have no way of avoiding time with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtraFox18 · 01/02/2020 08:44

Jomarchburntskirt they make me cringe too. I’ve don’t lots of cringing over the years.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/02/2020 08:48

How do you respond when he texts?

Of course it leaves you cold but that's why your divorcing him, right?

LizzieSiddal · 01/02/2020 08:49

So you feel you can’t tell him to stop as he will punish you by not talking to you about his children??

If this is true then he’s a manipulative, nasty controlling arse.

funnylittlefloozie · 01/02/2020 08:52

That would make me cringe as well. What an utter tool he is. I think betteb suggested a good response.

Definitely try to reduce the amount of contact you have with him. I understand that your ASC child is struggling, but try to keep your conversations purely about the kids. How often do you see him? Do you have much support in real life?

Purplewithred · 01/02/2020 08:52

It's disrespectful, humiliating and revolting. If he's 'intelligent, well read' etc he will know this and be doing it deliberately to hurt you; if he genuinely thinks it's acceptable then he actually must be completely thick.

You say you have to spend time with him because it's what everyone says your ASD child needs. This plays right into his hands. It might be what your child needs but your child also needs a mother who is strong and respected. Are you working towards plans for you to be able to limit your contact with your XDH?

Lovemusic33 · 01/02/2020 08:54

Just sit down with him and talk, tell him how you feel about the texts, tell him they are no appropriate and they need to stop. You need to remain friends for the kids and these messages are not helping the situation. If they continue then do not respond to them, ignore them, he’s looking for a reaction and if he gets it they will continue.

thedevilinablackdress · 01/02/2020 08:56

Extremely, extremely odd given you are divorcing.
EVERY times he does it, send the same reply e.g. "We are getting divorced, I am no longer the audience for this"

pictish · 01/02/2020 09:00

Gosh. A lot of muddied waters here with a big dollop of sleaze. He’s a grubby self-serving creep isn’t he? You certainly don’t have to put up with his sexually aggressive texts, no. You’re not his go-to poke hole.

Time to assert yourself. Don’t respond to anything from him unless it concerns the kids. If he chooses to withdraw from caring from his own children because you won’t pay homage to his cock, then that’s his failing not yours. You don’t owe him gratification.

ButtonandPickle19 · 01/02/2020 09:03

You sound like you’re in such a difficult situation... and that’s divorce. When there is kids involved of course you need contact! Of course he has great sides to him, that’s why you married him. They don’t go away when you split.
My ex is a fab dad, a funny man, an interesting man... but do I want a relationship with him? No! Because he is also a grumpy man and a difficult man at times. I’m happy in a friendship that works for our DD. You will get there. But if you don’t like these texts then tell him, let him sulk and then move forward.

Someone once told me it takes half the length of a relationship to truly get over someone, so if it was a long marriage you’re not going to move on immediately, there will be a grey area to navigate.

Fleetheart · 01/02/2020 09:06

If this has always been his modus operandi for sex, I wonder if he has trouble communicating and understanding your feelings. If one of your DCs has ASD then it’s likely your ex also has at least traits. The only way is to be very clear with him, and focus on the children’s needs.

ButtonandPickle19 · 01/02/2020 09:06

And I would add his texts aren’t creepy or disrespectful. Just immature and a sign that he’s lonely. Especially if that was the norm during the marriage. Men have needs and if he’s not truly past you then he’ll make a play if you’re showing signs you might be second guessing. He probably goes cold because you reject him, rightly, and that’s hard for anyone

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/02/2020 09:07

EVERY times he does it, send the same reply e.g. "We are getting divorced, I am no longer the audience for this"

I agree

thepeopleversuswork · 01/02/2020 09:27

Yuck.

I had this from my ex for years after we separated.

For me the most revolting thing wasn't the crude language (although I hate the word "cum" spelled like that). It was the total lack of engagement on his part with the fact that I had made clear that I didn't want his need for sex to overrule my emotional needs.

I really dislike that about male sexuality/emotional life: they think sex solves all problems in a relationship and is an end in itself. It's very hard for them to accept that there's more to it than that.

It does sound as if he isn't really over it. I think you have to spell out that you have absolutely no interest in a sexual relationship.

Inherdefence · 01/02/2020 09:32

This sounds like a case of very blurred boundaries all round. Am I right in thinking you had sex with him after you had separated? So even though you are separated he still thinks you and he could be a ‘thing’? And you say you say have expressed regret at the break up to him and that if he was more affectionate and caring you could look past his sexual immaturity and still be together?

You need to decide what outcome you want from this situation and make the changes you want to get there. Realistically, a man in his fifties is unlikely to change unless he really wants to change and is prepared to put hard work and effort into it and that doesn’t sound like the case here. The only person you can change is you. Stop hiding behind the excuse that you have to talk to him because of the DC. Over the years you will talk to many people about your DC but you won’t shag them or tolerate unwanted sexts from them, so don’t do it with your ex either. Even if you harbour secret dream of being reunited with him, sleeping with him didn’t make that happen did it? Nor did it make him more romantic, attentive or appreciative.

Draw a line in the sand here. You either work towards reconciliation with counselling or you accept its over and treat him like a co-parent. At the moment you are in a muddled no-mans land and that is not good for you or the children.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 01/02/2020 09:34

I would reply back, “Please don’t text in this way again. I am actually embarrassed for you. If you want to discuss the kids then fine but nothing else. These sorts of messages are repugnant.”

ILoveAScotchEggMe · 01/02/2020 09:49

I've been around the block and to quote The Baby Eating Bishop Of Bath And Wells, I'll do anything to anything but......no. This sort of thing just gives me the ick. YANBU,

UniversalAunt · 01/02/2020 09:50

What are the grounds for your divorce ?

For now, the brisk thing to do is to state by text to him that you find the sexual content of the text offensive, so he is to cease & desist in sending any more texts of this nature.

I also suggest that you show these txts - including the cease & desist message from you - to your solicitor for their opinion if this is unreasonable behaviour, & from their advice proceed.

NotStayingIn · 01/02/2020 09:52

I also agree with this:

EVERY times he does it, send the same reply e.g. "We are getting divorced, I am no longer the audience for this"

This is a very undermining, demeaning thing to text someone IF THERE IS NO SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. Because in that context, it's actually quite degrading and gives him a sort of power over you. If he really is that intelligent it makes me wonder why he is doing it.