to wonder if rapists ever feel sorry?

[Iwonder777]

As a rape victim in my teens, whom challenged her rapist by letter once years later (with no reply), I often wonder do you ever think rapists ever feel even a little bit sorry?

Likely not, but I do wonder sometimes as human nature is both bad and good.

Is there anything anyone else wonders, that's not something they routinely share?

I'm sure many do. Doesn't change their actions though. I'm sorry for what happened to you.

Nb/ it was not a letter I looked for a reply to. More a 'I have recognised what you did and have moved on' non- SAE! letter and boy did it feel cathartic!

I'm sure many do. For many different reasons I'd imagine, from genuine remorse, to self interest.

I'm sure many don't though.

Yeh of course

There was a prison-reformer lady I heard on radio a while back. She said that a lot of criminals (people who had done violent things, I consider that to include rape) suffered from PTSD arising from what they had done. It's weird, but it makes it harder for them to ever rehabilitate, coz there's so little support for them to deal with the horrors they made happen. So they get stuck.

Most of them had a chain of violent events in their past, some they did, some happened to them.

I like to hope so.

777 can I ask what helped you at the time after the rape? It’s only because a dear friends teen daughter has recently been through the same ordeal so I’m interested in real life experience to offer suggestions for moving on. I promise, I’m not a journo

I imagine some do, others probably rewrite history to imagine they've done nothing wrong.

I'm sorry to say I don't think they do. I think that the majority of rapist don't think they are. The majority of raped women don't identify as victims of rape. We live in a society where women are asking for it, where she "led him on" where minors and drunk women "lured" or "manipulated " men. Where we have popular songs about how the word no is blurred lines and footballers don't deserve to have their life ruined by sluts. It's miserable and depressing, and frankly as a rape survivor and mother of daughters my advice if you're raped is- seek therapy. Don't bother with the police. Don't hurt yourself trying for an impossible conviction coupled with a definite character assassination. It's not worth the double whammy if hurt

My rapist was a porn-loving middle class entitled teenager. He's highly successful now. But rape is rape and I was a totally naive 16 year old virgin. It's still like a shot gun wound to the soul, albeit a scarred over, healed one.

I never had 'emotionally available' parents at the time sadly thus just threw myself into my studies and became a perfectionist. Only faced it in my 30's.

I never told a soul and in fact ended up being groomed into a relationship with him. I see it now as a form of me trying to subconsciously re-write his wrong and make it consensual.

I am so sorry for your friends daughter. To me, it felt like a wound like no other, possibly because I was so young and felt so humiliated.

Can I help in any way? Your friend or her daughter? Please send them my love. Time helps bring paths to healing. Talking is important.

Nb. I now work in a caring role. Not directly related but stabilising children and families. I like to think of it as my contribution to making children - like I was - slightly less vulnerable, and more able, to differentiate what proper relationships consist of.

On the other hand, adult- ing aside, it still bloody hurts like hell to know other innocents are raped day in day out by entitled others. I've always wondered WHY it hurt me SO deeply; possibly because he was the first person to see me naked and he took me by force.

I don't think so
I think the man who raped me thought it was perfectly reasonable given that we were dating

I doubt he gives it a moments thought

Lenny and 777- please don't see my response and lose heart by the way. talking therapy and time time time has helped me recover from my experience such that I can now have good relationships and can trust again. I'm bitter in some ways- mainly around the law and realisation that it's not on our side- but having been open about my experience I've gained friends, I've learned about humanity and myself, and I have become a better person through that.

Gosh no I understand what you're saying. I hear what you're saying and get your points entirely - which as you say is a disgusting injustice in civilised (supposedly) 2020 isn't it?

Many of the ones I've met do.

Really pot noodle, they recognise it?

I believe many of these men do not believe it was actually rape. That is how they live with themselves "oh she did want it"

There is little repercussion for rape anyway as the majority of men get away with the crime. All these factors is why I think sexual assault is so common.

I think if they recognise it as rape a lot will be sorry. But a lot of men think it's their 'right' if they're married, or it was her fault if she was drunk, or dressed like a 'slag', or was playing games if they weren't emphatic enough in saying 'no' etc, I think a lot of men actually really believe this shit

No I dont think they do especially if they get away with it

I’m not sure. Mine said he was sorry (I confronted him months later after he tried to do it to someone else and explained (emotionally!) exactly what damage he does, but still denied it in court...
I did meet one who I genuinely believe was remorseful. He avoided relationships/ time alone with women because he really didn’t want to do it again.

I work in law and have dealt with many sex offenders and trials. And no, I don't think most of them feel remorse or guilt.

I think a lot of rapists wouldn't even recognise themselves as rapists.

@Waitingforadulthood I agree with what you said about court. It was the worst part. Apparently, rape victims don’t confront the rapist, ever. And they always go straight to the police (rather than convince themselves he wouldn’t do it again... until he does). Therefore I must have made it up.
He did get found guilty for the other girl though, in the same hearing.

I often wonder how many middle class rapists I come across, as other professional women will come across mine.

I think I thought - way back then - that rapists all had bad starts in life. I now realise that's not the case.

I think some do.

I started my career working in a medium secure unit, and I worked with a number for rapists. I can think of several (but not all) who felt guilty when they thought about it. We used to do victim empathy work to help them understand what they had done, and while it is linked to reducing future offending, it made them feel much worse.