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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to answer personal questions

93 replies

OopsItagain · 29/01/2020 21:10

I'm a single parent. I joined a new running clubs and started a new job a few weeks ago. It seems nearly every time I meet someone the topic quickly goes to my martial status. It usually starts with me talking about my kids but somehow ends up with people asking me about my husband. When I say I don't have one, this usually results in people asking me if I'm single and then if the father is involved etc. I had a couple of people ask me at social events and brushed it off. Then it happened yesterday in office lunch. It was so awkward as in front of everyone including CEO. Coworker asked about my husband and when I said I didn't have one, she said 'oh no, so are you a single mum'. I said 'Er yes' just through embarassment really (would have said none of your f**king business if CEO and whole team wasn't there). She then said it must be really difficult for me and was the father involved?!! I changed the subject in the end but the whole table went silent and it was mega awkward after that. I just think my personal life is my business and it's such an invasion of my privacy to ask such things especially in a work environment. Single people would never get quizzed on such personal issues so why does society deem it appropriate to ask single parents such personal questions about their circumstances? Maybe I am over thinking it. But I am fed up of being in this situation as it's happened quite a few times now when talking about my kids. How do I avoid/refuse to answer questions about my personal life? It is stressing me out.

OP posts:

Redshoeblueshoe · 29/01/2020 21:16

Where I worked I was asked by someone Are you happily married ?
I replied No I'm happily divorced.
That shut them up.

2020bluegirl · 29/01/2020 21:18

What a bloody nuisance.

I would say 'I'm a widow.' I doubt if they'd ask what happened. If they do, say he got hit by a falling blimp.

DDiva · 29/01/2020 21:18

Obviously you shouldn't have to answer any questions you're not comfortable with. It's not that unusual for colleagues to show an interest in you and your life tho.....

Goawayquickly · 29/01/2020 21:19

Just answer breezily to ‘are you married/how’s your husband’ with ‘I’m separated, everything’s fine’ Or ‘I’m a lone parent now’ no need to be embarrassed or stressed.
Your co-worker was inappropriate to push like that ‘I’m sure nobody wants to hear about my private life’ with a smile should shut it down.

SimonJT · 29/01/2020 21:21

There are sadly always going to people who ask insensitive/dim/nosey questions. I often get “why can’t his mum pick him up” if I have to pick my son up due to illness etc, it’s a big firm so often asked by people I only speak to 2-3 times a year. I just say “he doesn’t have one” normally that’s enough to satisfy their curiosity, one member of HR did once then say “oh, is she dead?” who would say that out aloud!!!

bridgetreilly · 29/01/2020 21:22

Single women get asked plenty of insensitive/personal questions. As do women without children. And indeed women with children. It doesn't make it okay, but it's not special to you.

ItIsAllChange · 29/01/2020 21:23

Single people would never get quizzed on such personal issues so why does society deem it appropriate to ask single parents such personal questions about their circumstances?

Do you mean married people wouldn’t be asked these questions? If so, you might not be right and could find plenty of unwarranted and intrusive questions are still asked.

Generally I find we tend to object to the questions or comments about things we are most sensitive about. There were probably a whole load of other questions you were asked that didn’t bother you so didn’t even register.

BorneoBabe · 29/01/2020 21:24

"The police have asked me not to talk about it".

Suggests all kind of possibilities.

Redshoeblueshoe · 29/01/2020 21:27

Borneo you win the thread

Straysocks · 29/01/2020 21:29

Honestly, some people have no boundaries. It is not just the personal questions in public when they barely know you which can itself suggest a lack formality/respect, it's the judgment. I realise we all talk about family at work and why would you mislead them to think there is a husband? So ... no husband? ... I respond with a big smile, direct eye contact and 'that's right!'. Move the conversation on whilst they draw breath and be enthusiastic with the new subject.

Straysocks · 29/01/2020 21:31

@BorneoBabe BRILLIANT. I am keeping that one

cosytoaster · 29/01/2020 21:35

It's probably just inane chit chat. I assume they think that by talking about your children you're ok talking about other stuff relating to your home life.
Just bat unwanted comments away with a "yes, I'm a happy single parent,do you have kids?" and then proceed to grill them before they can ask anymore questions!

SonjaMorgan · 29/01/2020 21:37

It might be annoying but honestly this is how people get to know each other.

SinkGirl · 29/01/2020 21:39

Just say something that raises way more questions then answers, then leave...

“he hasn’t really been too involved since the terrible accident... oh my phone is going, must take this”

“no, I can’t really trust him due to the evil twin... excuse me, I must use the loo”

Say something different each time and let them compare notes. Nosy bastards.

ColaFreezePop · 29/01/2020 21:40

Single people do get quizzed on such issues.

Generally people like to put others in stereotypical boxes based on their own life experiences so far.

The majority of people have manners and know there are boundaries on what they should ask and their behaviour. The minority have no boundaries on asking inappropriate personal questions, and a part of that minority are also nasty to people who don't fit their perceived stereotypes.

1Morewineplease · 29/01/2020 21:46

Don’t you think that maybe it’s all just polite but idle chit-chat?
I’d just let it wash over me and put them right gently.
There’s no need to be defensive.

TrainspottingWelsh · 29/01/2020 21:46

I found replying with 'sorry? pardon? excuse me? what?' So they had to repeat the question several times usually got the message across. For the very thick skinned, 'sorry, I must have misheard, it sounded like you were asking about my previous relationships then, haha, what was the question?'

And no, it's not exactly the same for everyone. Since I've been with dp, I've never had anyone ask me irrelevant questions about the dc's genetics or any father/ child relationship.

MistyCloud · 29/01/2020 21:52

@OopsItagain

YANBU.

It is annoying. I know some people are just making conversation, but they can sometimes be very nosy and judgemental. I know of people who are judged by people because they are......

Married with no children and are constantly asked 'why no kids?' (You will regret it, you are selfish, you will change your mind!)

Single at 35-40 and asked if they hope to eventually meet 'the one?' (Not interested... awww, no worries, love will find you when you are not looking!)

55 years old, married with 2 or 3 kids, and not worked for 30 years, and still not working even though the youngest child is 23. (Well surely you must want to work, why wouldn't you? What do you do with yourself all day? How do you survive on one wage???)

Retired at 50. (How did you manage that? You are FAR too young to retire.)

Renting a property, with no intention of buying (dead money, you MUST own a house, buying a house you cannot afford, and paying for it til you are 75 is character building!' I could never rent. No way!)

Quite happy to have one child (Aww, she will be so lonely and spoilt...)

A family with 7 kids. (Why so MANY?)

Living in a little rural village (ewww, I hate village folk. So cliquey and snooty and judgy. Fuck that.)

Can't drive/swim/ride a bike. (OMG how do you get through life not being able to do this BASIC thing?)

Unfortunately, for every ONE person who is just making conversation and being friendly, there are 3 nosy, judgy feckers!

GCAcademic · 29/01/2020 21:55

Single people would never get quizzed on such personal issues so why does society deem it appropriate to ask single parents such personal questions about their circumstances?

Single people do get asked personal questions. As for those of us who are married and don't have kids - well, I could regale you for hours with the insensitive shit that comes out of people's mouths. The arseholes will find you whatever your marital or reproductive status, believe me.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 29/01/2020 21:56

They are likely just trying to get to know you better, not judge you. Think of some polite answers, and don’t be so defensive when there is no need. Ask them questions back.

Elieza · 29/01/2020 21:56

You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.

Id deflect. “I’m no longer with my husband but I don’t like to talk about all that boring old stuff about me sorry, so do you have children...?”

Polite and respectfully declining to provide more info while appearing to give a shit about new colleagues to make them feel you’re friendly.

If they circled back I’d just keep saying the same thing and changing the subject into their homes or whatever.

When I’ve posted stuff like this before I have immediately been shot down by the ‘you should never apologise for not wanting to talk about personal all info” brigade.

Yeah, I’d agree. But I like to be polite and not cut someone off and make them feel awkward because they asked an inappropriate question as it will result in them going ‘OP was really rude when you asked about her husband, Julie’ and they will bitch about you.

You want to fit in not fall out with these new colleagues so sometimes pays to be tactful rather than put them right as that make them feel bad. Which is the total opposite of the exercise.

Cloudyyy · 29/01/2020 22:00

It sounds as though you’ve welcomed personal questions by mentioning your family life. Personally I wouldn’t think anything about these sorts of questions but if you are offended, just don’t broach the topic of family/ your personal life and stay professional .

NearlyGranny · 29/01/2020 22:06

Deflect any intrusive question with the question,

"That's interesting; why would you ask that?"

Puts the focus straight back on them. If they persist after that, they have hobnailed boots on and need to be put straight with:

"How about you go first and tell me all about your intimate relationships? Don't leave anything out, now!"

Daftodil · 29/01/2020 22:09

They probably want to show interest and perhaps overstep, but that's part of life and who hasn't accidently said something insensitive before? You are right to think it is insensitive, and if people really thought about the possible answers (domestic violence, rape, abuse, affairs etc) that could be the cause of someone being a single parent, they probably wouldn't ask in such a breezy manner.

I'm also a single mum and I understand sometimes people pry. I don't think you are unreasonable to not want to answer, but unless you go and live under a rock, people are going to ask you about your life. Also, being a single parent isn't that rare in this day and age, so perhaps one of the others at the table may also have been a single parent looking for common ground. I once had a lot of (intrusive) questions about being a single mum from one particular person once, but it turned out her relationship was breaking down and she wanted to know about the practicalities of lone parenting so she could prepare. We're great friends now.

If anything crops up you really don't want to answer, just say "oh, it's a long, boring story, probably best for another day. How about you? What's your story?"

ittakes2 · 29/01/2020 22:09

I can absolutely see why this would make you feel uncomfortable - I would feel the same. I am guessing however its more awkwardness on their part - a question pops into their brains and they verbalise it before they have a chance to sense check it. Hopefully this thread will give you some ideas of a well thought come back that stops them continuing to ask these thoughtless questions.
My suggestion to you would be to always finish your sentence with a question back to them to stop them asking further questions.ie I am a single mum - how about you do you have any kids? I don't have a partner, I am a single mum - do you have a partner? People love to talk about themselves so they are likely to stop thinking about questions to ask you and start thinking about what they want to say about themselves.

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