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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to answer personal questions

93 replies

OopsItagain · 29/01/2020 21:10

I'm a single parent. I joined a new running clubs and started a new job a few weeks ago. It seems nearly every time I meet someone the topic quickly goes to my martial status. It usually starts with me talking about my kids but somehow ends up with people asking me about my husband. When I say I don't have one, this usually results in people asking me if I'm single and then if the father is involved etc. I had a couple of people ask me at social events and brushed it off. Then it happened yesterday in office lunch. It was so awkward as in front of everyone including CEO. Coworker asked about my husband and when I said I didn't have one, she said 'oh no, so are you a single mum'. I said 'Er yes' just through embarassment really (would have said none of your f**king business if CEO and whole team wasn't there). She then said it must be really difficult for me and was the father involved?!! I changed the subject in the end but the whole table went silent and it was mega awkward after that. I just think my personal life is my business and it's such an invasion of my privacy to ask such things especially in a work environment. Single people would never get quizzed on such personal issues so why does society deem it appropriate to ask single parents such personal questions about their circumstances? Maybe I am over thinking it. But I am fed up of being in this situation as it's happened quite a few times now when talking about my kids. How do I avoid/refuse to answer questions about my personal life? It is stressing me out.

OP posts:

ConstanceSalinger · 29/01/2020 22:12

You do seem quite defensive about it, perhaps you've just had a bad run of nosey bastards recently?

Don't overthink it. People make conversation by looking for topics they can discuss with you, you have kids, they have kids, you are single, they are single, you like painting in the nude, their neighbours are naturalists etc...

AgeOfDragons · 29/01/2020 22:18

It's really frustrating. I was recently looking at schools for reception age DS and when booking to look around the Headmistress said "so, does he have a dad?"... What a ridiculous way to ask whatever information she was trying to get. I guess i had "single mother" stamped on my forehead. We didn't chose that school!

Pjsandbaileys · 29/01/2020 22:20

You do get some idiotic questions I just think people don't really think about what they are asking it's just something to say/curiosity. I have been asked by a complete stranger after establishing I was indeed a single parent "do ALL you children have the same father?" I was absolutely floored, "I don't know" came out of my mouth before I even had the chance to engage my brain. They do but that's not really the point, I don't get asked to many questions now 😂

katseyes7 · 29/01/2020 22:23

Some people have no filter. A couple of years after l got married, l met someone l'd previously worked with. Her first question was "No family YET?"
(This from someone who got pregnant on holiday, when the condom broke, and he "didn't tell her until the next week so it didn't spoil her holiday.")
l was totally caught on the back foot, and just said "no" and changed the subject. l wonder what she'd have said if l'd said "well, no. We've been trying desperately, l've had four miscarriages, but no, no family YET.," and burst into tears in the street?
lt's rude and intrusive. l'd be inclined to decide on a response for when the situation occurs again, trot it out, then change the subject.

mumwon · 29/01/2020 22:34

tell her you are fundamentalist Mormon & are polygamous & you & your sister wives are looking for a fourth wife for your husband - & how does she view polygamy? ( I really must stop watching those American reality (?) programs.)

Greenwingmemories · 29/01/2020 22:34

I agree that many people will just be trying to be friendly and not intrusive but I also understand it can seem really uncomfortable to be at the end of it.

I'd just try a few deflecting phrases:

Lighthearted/flippant:

Grateful to be single at the moment

Or more seriously:
It's just me and DC and we're very happy like that. How about you, how many DC do you have?

If they ask any follow up (intrusive) questions, just act like you haven't heard and ask them a prepared question: How many children did you say you had? Or: it's great fun having a three year old, how do you find it?

It's not rude to not answer questions, but it is a better strategy to not appear offended or rattled. If they're just a bit gauche or trying to be friendly, you don't want to embarrass them and if they're doing it deliberately, you don't want to give them the satisfaction.

I know in the past I've unintentionally asked the wrong question and berated myself for ages afterwards, so it's often not malicious I think.

Original poster

OopsItagain · 29/01/2020 22:36

tell her you are fundamentalist Mormon & are polygamous & you & your sister wives are looking for a fourth wife for your husband - & how does she view polygamy?

I'll use this next time

OP posts:

Sotiredofthislife · 29/01/2020 22:39

Yep. Recognise this. It is not about getting to know you, in my opinion. It’s more about putting you in your place and making it clear you’re not like them. So many seem to think ‘single mum’ is catching that they need to stomp on it immediately.

Grow a thick skin. It gets easier. You start to realise it says more about them - and some people can be very pushy and very personal (and very wrong).

mumwon · 29/01/2020 22:40

Op glad to help

HeyMac · 29/01/2020 23:21

Turn it back on her. Work out what she hates about her husband

"Haha god no- can you just IMAGINE sharing a house with a hoarder/snorer/remote hogger/cyclist/man who'll only ever go in package holidays/man who thinks he'll impress you by taking you to weatherspoons"

I much prefer making my own decisions thanks!

QueSera · 29/01/2020 23:32

I can't see the problem in people asking,

QueSera · 29/01/2020 23:35

Sorry posted too soon - meant to say, i doubt theyre intending to be intrusive. It's quite normal to be separated/divorced, you dont want to talk about it but they arent to know that, it's just part of friendly chit-chat and getting to know each other

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 29/01/2020 23:35

It’s nosy yes but you will be asked again as it’s human nature so I would just have a good retort ready that will answer the question but also make it clear you don’t wish to discuss it. Personally I like the “widow who’s dh died from a falling blimp” angle.

Sleeveen · 29/01/2020 23:39

The people who claim this is normal ‘getting to know you’ chitchat appear to be overlooking the fact that the ‘Oh, no, so are you a single mum?’ and ‘Is the father involved?’ line of questioning was not over coffee with a new friend but by a colleague at an office lunch in front of the CEO.

If you normally interrogate coworkers about their past relationships in front of the board of management, you must have a very different notion of ‘polite conversation’ to mine.

BillHadersNewWife · 29/01/2020 23:41

Agree with replying "Sorry? Pardon? What?" until they feel embarrassed.

It's bloody nosey and nothing to do with anyone!

BillHadersNewWife · 29/01/2020 23:43

It's quite normal to be separated/divorced, you dont want to talk about it but they arent to know that, it's just part of friendly chit-chat and getting to know each other

Perhaps but it's not normal to say "Oh no...so are you a single Mum!?" which suggests tragedy or pity. Also, the title "single mum' has such negative connotations. It's better to say lone parent....IF you must mention it at all.

RockinHippy · 29/01/2020 23:44

Mmm, I've some experience of this sort of shit & my guess would be that this runs a bit deeper than just nosiness. For some reason they don't like you being there. If it's one person, did they get overlooked for the job you now have, or something similar. It smacks of showing you up to be potentially less able & unreliable at your job, due to your responsibilities at home. You need to meet this head on with a cocked head & big smile & turn it back on them, things like "oh yes, that is my private life, but if you insist, I have plenty of support & juggling kids as a single parent makes me very good at getting things done" just have a few retorts ready so that she doesn't catch you out again & start asking around as to what her/their problem is. I'd lay bets they are aggrieved as they feel they've missed out on something because of you.

Sleeveen · 29/01/2020 23:45

I do a version of that in situations where I don’t want, for whatever reason, to snarl ‘Mind your own business, nosy’, @BillHadersNewWife. Though I tend to say ‘Could you repeat that?’ in a level tone of voice.

Youcunnyfunt · 29/01/2020 23:46

I made a thread a long time ago about very similar and the conclusion was that I was VU

Apparently it’s everyone’s god given right to know the basics about everyone else they know - whether they are married (or not), single (or not), having children (or not), renting or buying a house, etc....

notanotherjigsawpiece · 29/01/2020 23:46

“Oh that’s a personal question! Why are you asking?”

AddictedToLoveIsland · 30/01/2020 00:39

Of course single people get quizzed.

You don't have to answer questions if you don't want to, you can always change the subject.

Besidesthepoint · 30/01/2020 10:47

It usually starts with me talking about my kids but somehow ends up with people asking me about my husband

If you don't want personal questions then best don't start with personal stories yourself. It kind of opens the door. They are trying to connect with you and if the information they have is your kids, they will of course ask about their co-creator.

Besidesthepoint · 30/01/2020 10:52

Or next time just give an answer that cuts that part of the discussion short: "thankfully he is not in our lives, we are so much happier now" or "we're not together anymore but have a fantastic co parenting thing going and are both so much happier single".
It's pretty hard to go "oh no" if you're reacting all happy and content.

araiwa · 30/01/2020 11:05

How should people youve just recently met get to know you?

Sleeveen · 30/01/2020 11:18

Unless the person has lived under a rock since about 1850, they will be well aware that not all children are the products of parents who are at the moment of this conversation, contentedly married/in a committed relationship.

I honestly can't imagine quizzing someone about their past or present relationships immediately after exchanging names.

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