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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to answer personal questions

93 replies

OopsItagain · 29/01/2020 21:10

I'm a single parent. I joined a new running clubs and started a new job a few weeks ago. It seems nearly every time I meet someone the topic quickly goes to my martial status. It usually starts with me talking about my kids but somehow ends up with people asking me about my husband. When I say I don't have one, this usually results in people asking me if I'm single and then if the father is involved etc. I had a couple of people ask me at social events and brushed it off. Then it happened yesterday in office lunch. It was so awkward as in front of everyone including CEO. Coworker asked about my husband and when I said I didn't have one, she said 'oh no, so are you a single mum'. I said 'Er yes' just through embarassment really (would have said none of your f**king business if CEO and whole team wasn't there). She then said it must be really difficult for me and was the father involved?!! I changed the subject in the end but the whole table went silent and it was mega awkward after that. I just think my personal life is my business and it's such an invasion of my privacy to ask such things especially in a work environment. Single people would never get quizzed on such personal issues so why does society deem it appropriate to ask single parents such personal questions about their circumstances? Maybe I am over thinking it. But I am fed up of being in this situation as it's happened quite a few times now when talking about my kids. How do I avoid/refuse to answer questions about my personal life? It is stressing me out.

OP posts:
Wellhellooothere · 30/01/2020 11:22

People can be intrusive without realising. I have 2 DCs, with my DW and get the - how did you get pregnant, where's the dad/is there a dad/ who gave birth stuff a lot, quite often from complete randoms.
Answers I give depend on how well I know them, how/when/why they're asking but usually gently explain that it's NONE of their bloody business

MeetmeinParis · 30/01/2020 11:24

Apologies, tapped YABU by mistake. YANBU

BillHadersNewWife · 30/01/2020 11:30

araiwa they wait until a social occasion! They don't ask questions like that in a professional situation!

windycuntryside · 30/01/2020 11:31

Why do ask ?? Is a good come back ?

user1471582494 · 30/01/2020 11:32

If you are talking about your kids you are already talking about your personal life, you've opened that door but you don't want them to walk through it? You can't have it both ways.

Thatnovembernight · 30/01/2020 11:36

I’ve been a single parent for two years and started a new job during that time. I take these sort of questions as part of people getting to know me. I don’t talk about it all much so I usually just say ‘oh I’m divorced but the kids see their Dad often. It works pretty well’ and leave it at that. As I get to know people more over time a few more details come out in conversation as it does about their lives too. Maybe I’ve just been lucky!

Karenisbaren · 30/01/2020 11:37

Maybe people are just making conversation?

Moose42 · 30/01/2020 11:40

It’s so rude that people would ask those things of people they hardly know. As you’re getting to know someone I think it’s normal to ask slightly more personal questions conversationally but for me I’d probably wait until it was offered than directly ask if they were a single parent. Certainly wouldn’t be interrogating in a public setting.

As others have said, it happens to everyone though, not just single mothers. In the year or two after getting married, I had “when are you having kids?” from colleagues quite a bit, followed by one I’ve known a long time but am not close to asking if I’d been to the doctor about it yet because it’d been a few years. We didn’t even talk to anyone about whether or not we were trying and she’s pushing to find out if we have problems! As it happens we have been for a few years now, and last year I did snap at someone who asked “you don’t have a family yet, do you?” This was not someone I know well, and as someone above said, how does she know that I haven’t had infertility problems or miscarriages or marital problems etc? I think I replied by saying “yes, I have a mum and dad and siblings and nieces and nephews and my husband, actually”.

SmileyClare · 30/01/2020 11:44

I agree people are just making conversation. I don't see anything offensive or anyone quizzing or grilling you in your OP. Are you sure it was "mega awkward" afterwards?

Being a single mum is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. In fact you would be admired for working and raising children on your own. It's not a dirty secret and you don't need to defend yourself.

I would suggest having a few answers ready, deflecting the question back or changing the subject. Most people will respect your wish not to go into detail.

SlothHouse · 30/01/2020 11:48

People usually think I'm a single mum. No idea why, been with DP for 10 years

GeePipe · 30/01/2020 11:52

Will probably get flamed for this but this is such classic mumsnet bullshit. Its a perfectly normal question that normal people ask. Its not judgmental or prying or nosy its called showing an interest in other people why the need to be so defensive. Your life is not that interesting to other people to think they are actually arsed if your single or not.

Babdoc · 30/01/2020 11:54

It’s a tricky one, isn’t it. I think intention is everything in these situations.
There’s a big difference between friendly interest, concern for you, social enquiry to see if you share things in common (perhaps the enquirer is also a single parent, and wants to compare coping strategies) - and a nosy judgmental wish to tear you apart in public, or a silly fear that you might be predatory and after their husbands!
I was a widowed single parent with two babies still in nappies, and I found that the overwhelming response to my stating my situation was sympathy and support. People were often shocked that DH had died so young and unexpectedly, and I think quizzed the circumstances out of a fear it might happen to their own DH - they wanted to be reassured that it was something rare. Kindly ones wanted to give me the chance to talk about it.
I think your own gut instinct will tell you whether it’s concern or nosiness, OP. If it’s the latter, Borneo et al have given you some cracking retorts!

Ellisandra · 30/01/2020 11:56

It’s just conversation.
You said yourself that is usually starts with you talking avoid your kids.
So there you go - you’ve opened up the idea that you’re happy to talk about your personal life.

I’m a single parent. I can’t say I’ve ever felt quizzed about it - which is more related to my attitude to being asked, I expect. I just see it as idle chit chat.

I work away from home a lot so it has come up then -

  • where’s your daughter?
  • with her dad, we’re divorced so it’s her time with him anyway
  • oh that works out then
  • yeah

Even if people ask if it works out OK, I say “yeah, we weren’t great as a husband and wife but we parent pretty well together”. (which isn’t the full story, but that is my business!)

I think you’re over sensitive about it. I don’t give a shit that I’m divorced, it’s hardly unusual, and I don’t give a shit if people want to make idle chit chat with me. Maybe stop bringing your kids up?

SmileyClare · 30/01/2020 12:03

I'm a bit staggered with this bit: "Coworker asked So are you a single mum? and I would have answered None of your fucking business if the CEO wasn't there"

Why all the anger and defensiveness? For all you know she's a single mum or is kindly making chit chat to include you socially.

Sleeveen · 30/01/2020 12:04

Again, this was not a one-on-one chitchat with a new friend, this was in a professional situation in front of senior management. You would have to be quite corrosively stupid or tactless not to recognise that this is not the time and place to enquire about your colleague's personal life at a volume that seems to have made the conversation audible to the entire table:

Then it happened yesterday in office lunch. It was so awkward as in front of everyone including CEO. Coworker asked about my husband and when I said I didn't have one, she said 'oh no, so are you a single mum'. I said 'Er yes' just through embarassment really (would have said none of your fking business if CEO and whole team wasn't there). She then said it must be really difficult for me and was the father involved?!! I changed the subject in the end but the whole table went silent and it was mega awkward after that.

Jellybeansincognito · 30/01/2020 12:06

It’s only awkward because you’re making it awkward?

I don’t really understand people like you OP- as in, people who get offended at the most lighthearted chit chat. It’s not like they’re asking you what your available balance is on your bank account or how much you’ve got to the penny in savings is it?

Jellybeansincognito · 30/01/2020 12:09

It’s a tricky one? No it isn’t.

How much self importance and sneer do you need to hold to be so offended about a basic question?

femidom12 · 30/01/2020 12:10

So is he involved then?

HollowTalk · 30/01/2020 12:10

People might think it's normal conversation but given the questioner has no idea when the separation took place, it's not a good idea to ask until you know someone better. For all they know the husband could have been violent, abusive, cheated on her with her best friend etc, and it might have just happened in the last few weeks. Nobody wants to talk about that with strangers. Let's face it, there's never going to be a nice reason why you divorced someone and are left with the children.

Sleeveen · 30/01/2020 12:11

How much self importance and sneer do you need to hold to be so offended about a basic question?

How happy are you for your CEO to know the detail of whether and how your ex is involved with your children? The OP's CEO knows all about hers now.

KatyCarrCan · 30/01/2020 12:13

Everyone gets asked personal questions. Single people get asked: are you single; do you have a bf or gf; are you engaged/planning to get married, etc,etc. Married people get asked how long have you been married for, what does your DH or DW, do you have DCs, etc, etc.
You don't have to answer personal questions but people are just trying to build rapport and establish common interests. If you don't want to answer then come up with some standard replies that you're happy with eg are you a single mother? 'Oh, I didn't think anyone used that terminology any more. Tell me about your DCs/pet/partner'

Jellybeansincognito · 30/01/2020 12:15

It wouldn’t bother me, it’s just chit chat- again, no one is that important for anyone to be bothered about this or even give it a second thought.

@Sleeveen

Boredisboring · 30/01/2020 12:15

Do you feel any shame attached to your marital status? If not, then why so defensive? Surely it is better to normalise it by treating it like any other question.

NaviSprite · 30/01/2020 12:16

It’s one thing to innocently (or naively) ask about the Father when talking about children but to push for further information and comment “Oh no” is at best tactless, at worst bloody rude IMO. I get the whole ‘your colleague is only trying to get to know you’ response here, up until the colleague started pressing with more questions.

I still get asked if my twins have the same Father and whether they were IVF babies and I’ve gotten used to it now, but for the first year I couldn’t believe how strangers could ask questions about paternity and my fertility Shock

azigazigah · 30/01/2020 12:18

I'd reply with "I don't tend to share my marital status as I like to keep my private life private and then ask them if they're married!