Would you give money to a colleague to buy appliances?

[AppliancesGift]

Hi,

A colleague who I get on very well with has been having accommodation difficulties, and financial issues as a result of this. Won't go into details, I do know the specifics, but it's nothing that was their fault. They have now found somewhere to live but need to buy some appliances. This, together with paying two lots of rent in the short term, is putting more financial strain on them.

I'd love to give my colleague some money towards getting these appliances to help them out. Not £1,000s, but enough to make a difference. I do not expect the money back, it would be a gift, and this would be made very clear. When I was in a similar situation I was helped out and now I am in the position to do so, I'd like to help someone else.

I would not tell any of my other colleagues this is what I was doing, it would be confidential between me and my colleague. Of course if they choose to tell others then that's up to them. My other colleagues are EXTREMELY unlikely to ever ask for money, and I'm pretty good at being assertive so there's no worries there. This is really quite a specific one-off type situation.

What would you do? Is this a terrible idea or should I just do it? If someone helped me out in this way, I'd be delighted and very grateful, but I'm not sure how others would feel?

Thanks.

I would ask the colleague first if they were happy to accept. Explain that you were paying it forward for a kindness that was done to you in the past, but don't put pressure on by hoping they would do the same in the future.

It's a kind thing to do. We need more kindness in the world, I was struck by the tributes paid to Nicholas Parsons the other day, so many of them mentioned what a kind person he was and I thought to myself that being remembered for kindness is a good legacy.

We’ve done this (and been the grateful recipients of it) with siblings , parents and our DC when money was tight but I wouldn’t do this even for a close friend. IMO it changes the dynamics of a friendship too much if one is indebted or beholden to another for a large amount or item. So a kettle or a toaster would be ok, maybe even a tv but a dishwasher or washing machine would be too much.

If you really want to do it I would compromise. Buy yourself a nice new version of whatever the item is and ask your colleague if she could use your old one. Obviously check she could before you buy the new one - you don’t want to end up with 2 dishwashers! That way you get to give her something she needs without it seeming too much or excessive.

A moving in present is nice. The other I'd offer as a loan to be paid back in small installments. It'll save her embarrassment.

This is very kind. I like the gift card/voucher in a new home card somebody suggested upthread. Maybe include a small message about your desire to pay forward kindness previously shown to you.

In the first instance, I would ask the landlord. It is possible that the landlord could supply the necessary items (s/he may have removed the items at the previous tennant's request and might have things sitting in storage)

It is a lovely gesture, but as per PPs, I'd probably be a bit embarrassed/proud to accept big ticket items like a new cooker/fridge/freezer/washing machine unless it was from my parents/relatives. It is too ott from a friend/colleague and it would change the relationship and she would feel beholden. Could you help her find things on freecycle, gumtree or in a charity shop etc instead? Or tell her your mum/neighbour etc is getting rid of X and does she want it? I would be grateful if a friend was able to supply me with second hand stuff as I'd feel less of a debt and also feel like I was doing something good in the exchange (saving X from landfill, clearing it out of someone's house etc). Smaller items like kettle/toaster would be fine as housewarming presents.

As you don't want the money back, another option would be to give her the money anonymously. I know someone who was going through a tough time years ago (single mum, 3 kids, no money) and got an envelope through the door with £200 in it just before Christmas and a note that said "From a friend at church". (This was 20+ years ago when £200 was £200) To this day she has no idea who the money was from. This way, it wouldn't change your dynamic and if she was embarrassed by it, she wouldn't have to tell anyone.

I would do it, on the basis of being happy to give considerable amounts (£K+++) when I had a very well-paid job. Many years down the line, and my position has reversed. People have been extremely supportive and kind, and I have learnt the value of humility.

I had similar - if they feel comfortable enough to discuss their problems I can't see they would be embarrassed by your offer. If they are uncomfortable you can always say 'pay me back when you are able' - but not expect it back.

I think you're a lovely colleague and a very kind person OP :)

Another option would be to have whip round at work for a housewarming present. Your friend would feel no embarrassment getting £200 vouchers from 20 colleagues collectively (she wouldn't need to know that £180 of it came from you!)

I think bringing up that you were is a similar situation and now want pay the help forward makes is less awkward. You can say that but respect their answer.

*But you need to be absolutely sure you don’t have any mental conditions attached to this gesture.

In other words, don’t get upset if they go to Australia on holiday this year or buy designer shoes.

You actually don’t know someone’s financial situation. They may be having difficulties with ready cash but have a shed load of savings or very helpful parents.*

👆 This is so true! Good points @LemonTT

I would tell them I am buying new fridge/freezer and/or other stuff and ask if they want my old working ones. And do so if they would take. Combination microwave/convection up to 240C/grill oven of big enough size for a small turkey or dinners for is around £200. Induction worktop cooker is under£50 for single and under £100 for double.

I think giving them a gift card in a housewarming card would be better than trying to awkwardly pass on your seconds.
It could be quite generous eg £250? and they'd be thrilled. I've given and received generous gifts before and it's never awkward. Prepare for tears and big hugs and smiles all round.

First is a lovely gesture, second is a bit too much like charity.

Hi op
It's a lovely idea,only you know her well enough to decide which way to help her best,I'm sure she will be very relieved to have a true friend at this time.
To you who say don't offer to help,let's hope you are never desperate and others are urging someone not to help you.
Compassion.

House warming present? Get them vouchers for argos or currys pc world?

I might find a second hand appliance for about 50 quid if I could afford it and say a friend was getting rid of it to gift them.

^I would do this too.

I hit the wrong button. Discount some percentage of the AIBU results for my stupidity.
You're being a caring human being - if you can afford it, why not.

I think if you explain you’re paying it forward as you had similar help in the past then It’s a lovely idea

I have had friends who were a bit strapped financially. They were friends enough that they could tell me they were skint, so I felt I was friends enough that I could help.
I've been there, crying because I couldn't scrape up the money for Calpol, it's horrible.
Originally I said it was a loan, they could pay me back when they could so they felt less "a charitable cause". Later I told them not to worry, and apart from one friend who insisted on paying it back I've never got or expected it back. It's not changed our friendship, I've never referred to it again and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Oh forgot to add, my friend gave me some money for Calpol and other stuff, never forgotten it. Never paid her back, come to think of it so thanks to my dear friend. Pay it forward.

There are lots of re-use outlets now for electrical appliances; some are just customer returns for 'change of mind'. It's madness to buy new sometimes.

It's a nice gesture OP but agree with PP about really giving the money as a gift and letting go - that's important, the money is no longer yours to orchestrate.

Definitely gift card in housewarming card.

Lovely idea OP but I wouldn’t go OTT.

Not a chance, sorry! You are blurring the lines between friends and colleagues, and how do you even know the truth?

A voucher in a new home card would be the best way forward.

You do sound lovely. But I think what LemonTT says is very important.

Aren't there some freebee sites where you can pick things up for free or very cheap?

Another vote for doing this anonymously. Send a gift voucher for whatever amount you fancy - as long as it's not traceable back to you.

That's the purest form of well-wishing that expects nothing in return.

Otherwise it could well change dynamic or unintentionally make her feel beholden to you. Nice thing to consider OP!