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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do middle class people have busier social lives?

345 replies

swimmingpoolshower · 29/01/2020 00:16

Feel I may get flamed here but...
I'm WC, maybe a bit MC cos I went to uni. I am also a part time cleaner for MC families and have lots of MC friends. Why do MC people always have so much going on?

Is it money to be able to do things?
Boredom of doing the same things?
Letting off steam from stressful jobs?

No judgement at all but every weekend is house warming, birthday meals, theatre, trips to museums, and that's when you're not 'away for the weekend.' Centre parcs, Rome, Cotswolds, Air BnB in the city. It's January, everywhere is going to be cold.

I think I'm a bit jealous tbh.

OP posts:
RubysRoo · 29/01/2020 12:03

I've ready this with interest as one side of the family is very WC and the other very MC but over time the incomes/money have evened out, even to the point where many of the WC side have far more money, and yet the WC families still have far less opportunity.

My honest opinion is it starts being money and that creates an outlook/culture/thoughts towards opportunity that means WC people on the whole, even when money isn't as big a factor as it used to be, don't have the time or mental reserves in the same way to do new things, nor do they have the confidence as it is more likely to be out of their comfort zone. If you consistently don't do new things and don't go out a lot to new places, it can seem bigger/more anxiety provoking. This takes place in many forms - bright children going to local comp despite teachers making it clear they could get into the top selective schools, enough money for new holidays and far flung places yet going to the same type, or even place, each year. And then smaller things like weekends being for cleaning, food shop and watching programmes, despite there being the time or funds to do more.

I do think initially it comes down to money (lack of) but that creates norms and a culture that remain for many even when money situations change. I see this so much in my job, within my friends and family and even to myself to some extent. I grew up MC and have a MC education, but due to life circumstances am much more WC in terms of income and options for a variety of personal reasons and as a result I can see even with just one decade of identifying more with WC friends, that I've changed. An afternoon out now feels huge, I'm more likely to want to cancel it, I am very task and home oriented now, I think differently to how I did a decade ago. It's hard to explain but the only friends whose weekends I identify with now are my WC friends. My MC friends who are out doing lovely things, often even free things, I can't relate to at all. I no longer have the confidence or time resources - there is no option of any paid help. And it just feels huge to give up a day when I could get tasks done, for leisure. Remember years ago (for centuries) leisure was only for MC and UC. It was not an option for those in the working class culture.

Take older relatives, the ones on WC side will tell me this week they've done the food shop, gone to Dr's, and what they've cleaned, and what family they've seen. A rare week there will be a treat, usually something someone else arranged. MC older relatives who have no more money will talk about which NT property they visited, lovely walks they've taken, coffee shops they've been to with friends, new cities they went to or re-visited on a day out. Why? They are culturally brought up to have leisure and have the confidence to do different things without the anxiety of feeling they need to focus on tasks.

Interestingly my line manager and I were speaking about this yesterday. Her weekends are full of fun and they do things I can't imagine having time for. This past week they made something like 50 cakes for a charity event, all went trampolining, went to a gorgeous stately home for lunch etc. We have the same number of dc (3), hers are involved in very serious sport (national teams, could be headed to Olympics down the road) and I asked how on earth they manage it all, that my weekends involve each of the 3 dc doing one activity (and even that is super stressful for me and takes me away from tasks), food shop and cleaning. She is one of those people who checks her privilege and admits it (rare imho) and she said "Ruby, you have to understand how different our lives are because I have money. I have a cleaner every M/W/F who does everything - laundry, changing bedding, vacuuming, sweeping, ironing, washing floors, even picking up the dog poo in the back yard and running errands. Some weeks she even does the shop. I don't have to think of anything to do with the house it's all done. Monday she would even wash all the cake pans if I couldn't bare it, but I made myself and dh do it as it didn't feel right. If something goes wrong we bring in help immediately or just replace it, we have two tumble dryers and if one is slow or not working properly out it goes. We have so much more free time because we can pay. And when kids were little we always had an au pair, it's why I was able to get to the gym within weeks of giving birth. When people would comment on how good I looked, it really was a reflection on the money we had to make me look good".

The other area you really see this (and I was a lecturer for many years prior to this past decade of things being harder) is University choices. On the whole and there are many exceptions, when WC kids get to Uni they stay close to home, even if there are the funds, it is their parents who are more often dubious about the whole thing. The middle class and upper class kids are far more likely to go far from home. I lectured at a good Uni and some of our brightest students were from working class backgrounds, by far. They never thought to apply to top Uni's, were never encouraged to, and when we discuss where they could go for masters they were adamant they couldn't go to the top 10 and were perfectly fine at the local one. Many of my MC kids didn't have the grades to get into top Uni's but felt they would. It always was a point of interest for us as lecturers and registrars.

formerbabe · 29/01/2020 12:09

@rubysroo

You sound very similar to me...I also had a mc education and upbringing but feel much more wc now. Yes, I spend my weekends shopping, doing housework and just having a very different time to my mc friends. We often take our dc to wetherspoons for lunch...we get lunch for all 4 of us for less than £30. My mc friends have no understanding of the fact I can't afford to join them at a restaurant where a main course costs £25+...I could buy my dc a coat or pair of shoes for that!

Sleeveen · 29/01/2020 12:13

Whilst we don't spend the whole weekend in front of the TV under a blanket, we often don't make plans

I hear you, @Crunchymum -- I'm often the same. But friend's children don't do anything at all, ever, no after school or at weekends, and money isn't an issue, it seems as if it's low parental energy levels driving (or not driving) everything.

2020GoingForward · 29/01/2020 12:29

More money more social expectation- especially around children's activties.

Having said that IL very working class are always out and about often doing different things- and have been to a huge range of places uk and beyond though MIL always manages to get it into every conversation.

I think my parents are still trapped in mindset of money being tight - despite that not being the case for at least last decade - the uhh and urg over even small spending and I think it's a mindset that stops them going places any where near as much.

DreamingofSunshine · 29/01/2020 12:39

@RubysRoo what you've said is really interesting.

I live in London and there's lots of free things to take DS to, but I have the time and energy to research it. I don't think I'd be as inclined to start planning days out to a free event at the Museum of London Docklands if I'd been on my feet for 12 hours at work. I also have a cleaner and I'm a SAHM but DS goes to nursery part time on his free hours.

There's definitely an element of what you enjoy, my DBro and I are very different but had the same upbringing. I love ballet, theatre, museums, art galleries and take DS to them, whereas he says it's boring and wants to watch football and chill. Neither is right or wrong, just different hobbies and interests.

thepeopleversuswork · 29/01/2020 12:50

The "cultural capital" point is a very interesting one.

Of course its an over-simplification (and highly patronising) to say WC people don't go to galleries/museums/theatre etc. But a lot of my friends from WC backgrounds have said they felt at a handicap in life through the fact that they felt shut out from these experiences, largely because their parents hadn't done them so they felt ignorant. This is something you can teach yourself as an adult, obviously, but its harder and takes more confidence and some direction.

Historically, middle class people have tended to value this "cultural capital" more you can argue that it was based on snobbery and getting ahead or whether there is an intrinsic value but its been more central to MC life.

I instinctively feel that its very important for my DC to be introduced to a range of experiences in life. Broadening horizons is a cliche but its also very true. Sometimes this means I'll pay to do something like this over paying for something in the house although I know its less "necessary" on the basis that I think ultimately it contributes more to quality of life and to my daughter's long-term advantage. In a huge range of ways.

That probably is a MC mind-set. And at the risk of sounding very smug, and realising they had other shortcomings, I'm grateful that my parents taught me having life-changing experiences is sometimes more important than making sure you've finished the outdoor patio.

I also realise that this is a luxury a lot of people don't have for financial reasons and never to take this for granted.. But that doesn't change the fact that I think its really important for people to push their horizons and encourage their kids to do the same. And that sometimes you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone a bit and do something even if you feel you can't be arsed.

Urkiddingright · 29/01/2020 13:16

I come from a mixed background, my Dad is MC but Mum is WC and I’d say I have all the markers for MC rather than WC but I don’t get bogged down with the details.

Anyway, my Mum is probably the most sociable person I know. She pretty much knows everyone, manages to bump into someone wherever she goes and will talk to anyone. She’s always busy, always seems to be flying around spending time with various people. She’s very working class so I’m not convinced being sociable is a class thing at all. I’m more MC and I hate people Grin.

achainisonlyasstrong · 29/01/2020 13:29

Rubysroo - your line manager seems very tactless. But basically think you and she are right. Being middle class means you often have the mental space and energy to do more socialising and other pursuits in the weekends.

Elle7rose · 29/01/2020 13:38

It's possible that if your PIL are over 50 they are just quite set in their ways; perhaps when they were younger they didn't have enough money to do a lot of activities and now their habits just involve pottering at home.

Most people given the resources will enjoy luxuries and will give their kids all of the opportunities that they can.

Needtomoveon84 · 29/01/2020 13:40

Professional jobs often require more social events.

I have almost one a week at the moment

Meeting clients, drinks, canapes etc.

I didn't get that when I was a student working at the odeon

redwednesday · 29/01/2020 13:45

@Needtomoveon84 Professional jobs often require more social events

What do you do that means weekly drinks, canapes etc? It seems very odd.

NeckPainChairSearch · 29/01/2020 13:45

Some really erudite posts here articulating different experiences - I'm enjoying reading and listening to the various POV.

Needtomoveon84 · 29/01/2020 13:47

@redwednesday I happen to have a social event a week at the moment with work

Meetings and CPD and client meeting

Drinks are usually served etc.

Needtomoveon84 · 29/01/2020 13:47

It will tail off but there are a few things in the calendar until mid Feb

redwednesday · 29/01/2020 13:55

@needtomoveon84

The most I've ever had in my work life is tea and biscuits. Drinks, canapes etc is out of To the Manor Born for me - it's a different world.

merrygoround51 · 29/01/2020 14:04

Money, mindset are all factors but one of the biggest factors is that when you are living on lower incomes a lot of life is about survival and that can grind you down so even when there are free things to do you simply dont have the energy to do these.

Needtomoveon84 · 29/01/2020 14:05

@redwednesday

I'm a solicitor. Sometimes the barristers garden parties serve vintage champagne.

They contend to throw good parties

Needtomoveon84 · 29/01/2020 14:05

Do tend to not contend

LaurieMarlow · 29/01/2020 14:11

What do you do that means weekly drinks, canapes etc? It seems very odd.

Not weekly, but any type of consultancy job could involve some client entertaining, networking events, industry conferences and the like. I probably have something monthly.

NeckPainChairSearch · 29/01/2020 14:18

In my old job, I attended at least one Champagne bash per week, with lots of evening stuff/balls and so on. I had an entire work evening wardrobe!

Some of it was enjoyable, but a decent half was a bit of a grind and took up so much time. I couldn't have done it with DC, this was all before having them.

Needtomoveon84 · 29/01/2020 14:24

My friend is a NHS consultant. Tea and custard creams is about exciting as it gets she said

Ritascornershop · 29/01/2020 14:24

I think it’s also because they’re not shattered on their days off. If I wasn’t so stressed about money, and had a job where anyone respected my opinions and knowledge, and that I found meaningful and fulfilling, well if I had all that I’d have a lot more energy to see friends and go places on the weekends.

Jaxhog · 29/01/2020 14:24

They employ you as a part-time cleaner precisely so that they have time to do other things.

Seriously though, I don't think it's a class thing. I'm MC and don't go out all that much. My WC relatives have a much busier social life than I do.

mindutopia · 29/01/2020 14:34

Well, I’m very middle class and I don’t really do any of those things. I squeeze in a bit of time with dc during the week but otherwise am working or commuting to work 6:30am to 10:30pm. On the weekends we do the food shopping, cook, kids play outside, go to playground, I sit and drink wine, I talk to dh, too tired to theatre or yoga here!

I do have a very middle class friend who is a SAHM. She does all these things but I think it’s because she has free time and would be bored otherwise. Kids are in school all week and then they are off doing things on the weekends, probably mostly because her dh works lots of weekends and she’s also bored being stuck at home with the dc.

But yes, money also helps. We both have plenty of money but only one of us has time and energy.

Lordfrontpaw · 29/01/2020 14:37

My sister lives by herself (she has a long term partner) and has no kids. She is out almost every night (then complains about being skint).

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