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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scared to let DD in his car??

105 replies

Widget123 · 28/01/2020 16:42

So, I've recently become friends with a local mum. We've met a couple of times, our DD's get on great and she seems nice. She asked if my DD can go over theirs, when I said yes (even this I was a little nervous of without me there as I don't know them THAT well yet), she said great her husband will pick her up on his way back from work.
I immediately go worried as I don't know the husband, I've never met him and the thought of my daughter (5) being in the car with a man I don't know makes me feel uneasy.
My DH says he would prefer to have met him first and I agree... but are we being unreasonable and what the hell do I say to the mum without causing enormous offence?!
The sane part of my brain is totally saying 'don't be ridiculous, it's a car trip with a local dad!' and the other is saying ' don't put your little girl in a car with a guy you don't know whoever he is?!'
Good advice please, and can we try to keep this kind, I know people like to take swipes on here sometimes :S

OP posts:
DesLynamsMoustache · 28/01/2020 16:43

Can you just say your plans have changed a bit but you'll drop her off? Then hopefully you can meet the husband then or at pick-up?

Original poster
Widget123 · 28/01/2020 16:45

I was thinking that, but I was still wondering if a 'quick hello' is enough?! Not that I'm looking for him to pass the axe murderer test or anything but I'd just like to spend some time with them maybe?

OP posts:
DesLynamsMoustache · 28/01/2020 16:49

Well you don't have to accept a lift from him any time really. You can just say it easier for you to drop off, etc until you do know him better. Maybe you can invite them both round sometime?

cuckooken · 28/01/2020 16:50

Cancel this. You have met her a couple of times you can't send your 5 year old there without you!

Jellybeansincognito · 28/01/2020 16:51

You don’t find it uneasy to leave your child with a mum you’ve only met a few times? I’d feel uneasy with that if that was my own choice. 10 x uneasy about the fact that she’s asked to have your dd.

Jellybeansincognito · 28/01/2020 16:51

Never mind about the husband picking up the child.
The whole situation is weird.
If you’re getting to know each other why wouldn’t she be inviting you over too?

eggsandsoldiers · 28/01/2020 16:54

I don't blame you for your concerns. No way would I send DD off in a car with a man I don't know. Could you go with your DD to visit? Maybe drop in conversation that you're not doing anything and could come with?

dappledsunshine · 28/01/2020 16:55

I wouldn't be sending my 5 year old without me, particularly as you don't know them very well. Can't you just say dd is not keen on going without you?

Mintychoc1 · 28/01/2020 16:55

I’d feel the same as you OP.
If you’re worried about offending the mum, then I’d “blame” your daughter. Just say she’s not used to going to friend’s houses without you, and she’s too nervous. Delay the whole thing until you know each other better.

Drum2018 · 28/01/2020 16:56

You've only met a couple of times. You should not be sending your dd to their house unaccompanied by you or Dh. I wouldn't even drop mine off and leave them at this stage. They are practically strangers to you. Just tell her that dd cannot go. Also what time is the dad collecting her if it's on his way from work? Does he finish work early in the day?

funnylittlefloozie · 28/01/2020 16:58

Tell her you'll drop DD off. I dont see nonces behind every lamp posts, and i wouldnt be happy with the arrangement. Dont the girls go to school together, and could go home for tea?

Mandarinfish · 28/01/2020 16:58

Is her DD at school with yours?

mbosnz · 28/01/2020 16:59

I'm another one who wouldn't be sending a five year old unaccompanied to someone's house I'd only met a couple of times, for many reasons. And I most certainly wouldn't be sending her in a car with a man that neither she nor I had ever met.

Your five year old does not yet have the tools she needs to judge situations, or keep herself safe. So she still needs you or DH in attendance to do these things for her.

Areyoufree · 28/01/2020 17:02

I agree with PPs that 5 is a bit young. I would probably want to go over as well.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 28/01/2020 17:05

Just message her and say that you’re out anyway so you can drop her at theirs on your way home. No problem.

Original poster
Widget123 · 28/01/2020 17:06

Yes they do go to school together. I agree I find this asking for the children thing strange but it seems so commonplace that's why I'm asking to see if I'm the one being unreasonable, both my girls have been asked to playdates at peoples houses several times but now she's 5 I don't know if I'm still in the wrong saying no when I don't really know them. I'll go with my gut and say no. Thank you all for making me not feel like an overprotective loon x

OP posts:
Original poster
Widget123 · 28/01/2020 17:07

No he does an early morning shift so would be picking her up early afternoon x

OP posts:
goodgodingovan · 28/01/2020 17:07

I'd just go with your daughter.

Jellybeansincognito · 28/01/2020 17:07

No you’re not overprotective. I’d go as far as saying neglectful if you actually let her go without you at this stage.

(I’m glad you’re not btw!)

Original poster
Widget123 · 28/01/2020 17:08

When we say 5 is a bit young, out of interest what age did you all start letting your kids do playdates/sleepovers on their own??

OP posts:
Shoppingwithmother · 28/01/2020 17:09

I wouldn’t allow this even for the reason that he might be a terrible dangerous driver, or have a dangerous car, or not have proper child seat. And that’s without any of the more sinister but less likely reasons!

PanicAndRun · 28/01/2020 17:11

Why don't you ask them to come to you instead?

Jellybeansincognito · 28/01/2020 17:11

I won’t allow it until I know my child can tell what’s right from wrong.
Probably about 8- I’d want her to be able to tell me if she doesn’t feel safe and feel confident in that decision of thought.

However I would leave her with a close friend I’ve known a while (couple of years plus).

Original poster
Widget123 · 28/01/2020 17:11

And where are the comments from the 30% of mums who voted for me being unreasonable D: ....

OP posts:
mbosnz · 28/01/2020 17:12

With people I'd met, and knew reasonably well, and local to the area, and been to their house, around 5/6.

That I didn't know very well, and hadn't been to their house, around 9/10.

That I hadn't met at all, or been to their house, around 11/12.