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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scared to let DD in his car??

105 replies

Widget123 · 28/01/2020 16:42

So, I've recently become friends with a local mum. We've met a couple of times, our DD's get on great and she seems nice. She asked if my DD can go over theirs, when I said yes (even this I was a little nervous of without me there as I don't know them THAT well yet), she said great her husband will pick her up on his way back from work.
I immediately go worried as I don't know the husband, I've never met him and the thought of my daughter (5) being in the car with a man I don't know makes me feel uneasy.
My DH says he would prefer to have met him first and I agree... but are we being unreasonable and what the hell do I say to the mum without causing enormous offence?!
The sane part of my brain is totally saying 'don't be ridiculous, it's a car trip with a local dad!' and the other is saying ' don't put your little girl in a car with a guy you don't know whoever he is?!'
Good advice please, and can we try to keep this kind, I know people like to take swipes on here sometimes :S

OP posts:
MsChatterbox · 28/01/2020 17:16

I would feel even more cautious the fact that she asked for your daughter over without inviting you. I wouldn't do it honestly.

crustycrab · 28/01/2020 17:17

When you say "met a couple of times" does that mean met as in for a coffee/soft play or met as in passed at the school gates?

If you're friendly enough to go to the park etc then I'd have very few concerns tbh.

I've currently got a 7 year old round for tea, I've never socialised with his parents.

My 5 year old is going to his friends for tea later this week, his mum asked and she'll collect him straight from school. I didn't find it weird, they're trying to forge friendships.

Microwavedtea · 28/01/2020 17:20

What nature were meetings you have had with the mum? School drop off or coffee etc?

IntermittentParps · 28/01/2020 17:30

When people talk about the mum asking if the OP's DD can go over to their house, do you mean the mum just asked for herself IYSWIM? Or her own DD asked to play with MiniWidget and the mum is asking for her?
Because yes, a parent asking if a little kid can go over for themselves is odd, but it's totally innocent if it's the latter, no?

NeckPainChairSearch · 28/01/2020 17:39

I think it's pretty unusual for 5 year olds to go to someone's house on their own. It's usual in my world for the parents to stick around for coffee etc.

And no way I'd let my 5 year old in a car, alone, with someone I don't know.

NeckPainChairSearch · 28/01/2020 17:40

I think it's pretty unusual for 5 year olds to go to someone's house on their own I need to add here ... someone I don't know. They do it all the time with people I know well!

ScreamingLadySutch · 28/01/2020 17:41

No, no, no no no.

5 is far too young. You go over for a play date together, or not at all.

crustycrab · 28/01/2020 17:44

They've been at school together 2 years, nursery before that. My 5 year old is entirely comfortable going to his friends for tea and her mum isn't weird for inviting him.

They eat pizza and ice cream and play with her toys before I pick him up at 6. It's really not that risky, particularly as OP has met the mum a couple of times (I'm assuming for play dates as she describes her as a friend)

Original poster
Widget123 · 28/01/2020 17:47

@crustycrab yes what you say is what I thought was the norm, I've had the mum round for coffee a couple of times, she just said her DD would love to have my DD round for a play this weekend and she will drop her back home after, she's a lovely woman and I certainly didn't get any 'sinister' or weird vibes from it at all. This is just a personal preference I guess.

I've been mocked by friends for being overprotective in the past and didn't know if I was doing that in this instance...

I just find it really strange that everyone is saying no on here yet in the real world people have asked to have my kids over loads so it must be a really common thing.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/01/2020 17:50

I guess it's different depending on where you are. Mine are teenagers now but used to go on play dates from nursery age and we always had friends back here too (without parents usually). The only thing I think that would worry me in this instance is you've never met the dad so I'm assuming your DD has never met him? I'm not sure how I'd feel about him picking them up as I always told my DC from a young age never to get in a stranger's car!

I'd offer to drop her off if you don't feel comfortable, hopefully you'll be invited in for a cuppa and you can decide from there if you're comfortable leaving for an hour.

Original poster
Widget123 · 28/01/2020 17:51

The other thing that's suprising me is that I threw a birthday party last summer for her. All the kids that came were 5/6. Out of 20 children that came only two parents stayed. The rest ALL left their kids. I was shocked at the time and I'll be honest I really struggled to cope, the doors were all open onto the green and to the rest of the building and by half time there were kids everywhere but in the hall! They could've been anywhere.

So that's why I find it hard to believe that the majority of parents are this cautious??!

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 28/01/2020 17:53

Why on earth did you agree this for a 5 yo?? Honestly the common sense on MN is going down the drain.

Original poster
Widget123 · 28/01/2020 17:54

@IntermittentParps yes it was her DD wanting to have my DD round to play so the mum acted on it... x

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 28/01/2020 17:56

I felt nervous when my dd was being driven a long way by someone I'd never met. Only met the child and the mother. She's 16 so I agree at five it is perfectly reasonable to not want her driven by someone you've never met. My child's well being comes before anything else. Perceived offence. Social niceties. Strangers opinions.

separatebeds · 28/01/2020 17:57

You must go with her. if she has not been to this house before you can't expect her to go on her own she could well get very scared. She needs to be confident that it's a nice place to go so at some stage in the future she can go on her own.

Just tell the other mum that your daughter has never been on a play date before without you and so you would like to come with her just to make sure everything goes smoothly. If the other mum does not like this then she is unreasonable and it is not a good place for your child to be going. If that is the case you simply say - ok thanks I think we will wait until she is a little older....

IntermittentParps · 28/01/2020 17:57

Thanks OP. That's not weird then.
I'd think that five is a bit young to go to a friend's house without a parent though. DISCLAIMER I don't have kids and it's a loooooong time since I was five and I don't remember how this worked then!

Original poster
Widget123 · 28/01/2020 17:58

@GrumpyHoonMain. Have a holiday, you clearly need it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Widget123 · 28/01/2020 17:59

@separatebeds thank you that's exactly what I've just done so I'll see what she comes back with! Hopefully that's not an issue but if it is unfortunately she won't be going x

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 28/01/2020 18:02

I’ve never stayed at a kids party. It was like a mini holiday lol

I was probably more cautious with my first but yeah mine went to tea at friends houses from 5 or 6

Knitwit99 · 28/01/2020 18:02

I would let my 5 yr old go on a playdate to a school friend alone if they wanted to go. I wouldn't send them alone in a car with a parent I had never met. I don't think my child would like that either. Just drop her off yourself.

DimplesMcGee · 28/01/2020 18:03

Tbh I wouldn’t let my just turned 5 year old go to a play date without me yet. Certainly not when it’s someone I don’t know very well. I don’t think he’d be comfortable without me in a new friend’s house, though he would be ok with people we’d known for ages and been back and forth for supervised play dates.

Meltedicicle · 28/01/2020 18:07

Round here you wouldn’t usually stay at a playdate at someone’s house. Parties are a little different, I’d say by the time they are at school it’s a mix of parents who leave and parents who drop off. I used to go by what DD wanted.

Regarding this situation- If the dad usually picks the daughter up from school then I don’t think it’s particularly odd for her to suggest he picks up your DD too. What exactly would be your concern?

Hoppinggreen · 28/01/2020 18:07

I wouldn’t pick up a child on my own that I had never met and neither would DH
She’s being very odd offering to do this, at 5 you should be taking her and probably staying there with her for at least a bit

Spied · 28/01/2020 18:07

I'd allow my DD to go for the playdate but I'd be dropping her off myself ( I'd probably say I was going that way so I'd drop her)and I'd pick her back up (on my way home).
Not just the idea of DD being in the car with a stranger but I'd also be worried about the driver's driving.
DD has been going to playdates from 5/6. It has worked out that I usually know the mum from school run. Most of the time I either haven't seen or only know the mum's partner/ child's dad vaguely.

DimplesMcGee · 28/01/2020 18:10

I don’t think it’s massively weird that she’s asked for your DD to come to a play date though. DS has asked me to invite various little friends from his class for play dates - I ask the mum and make it clear that I’d rather they came too “at least until XXXX is comfortable with visiting”. And then we chat over coffee while the children play. I’d be quite surprised and uncomfortable if a parent was happy to send their child on my invite without coming too!

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