Scared to let DD in his car??

[Widget123]

So, I've recently become friends with a local mum. We've met a couple of times, our DD's get on great and she seems nice. She asked if my DD can go over theirs, when I said yes (even this I was a little nervous of without me there as I don't know them THAT well yet), she said great her husband will pick her up on his way back from work.
I immediately go worried as I don't know the husband, I've never met him and the thought of my daughter (5) being in the car with a man I don't know makes me feel uneasy.
My DH says he would prefer to have met him first and I agree... but are we being unreasonable and what the hell do I say to the mum without causing enormous offence?!
The sane part of my brain is totally saying 'don't be ridiculous, it's a car trip with a local dad!' and the other is saying ' don't put your little girl in a car with a guy you don't know whoever he is?!'
Good advice please, and can we try to keep this kind, I know people like to take swipes on here sometimes :S

My kids went to tea at their friend's houses, on their own, right from when they started school. None of us parents stayed with them. Parties were a bit different in nursery but once they went to school we all left them.

Hi,
You are not unreasonable to not want your daughter to go in a car with a man that she has never met. Putting her in the car when I expect she would feel awkward and uncomfortable sounds dreadful.

Lots of adults would feel awkward about getting a lift with someone that they haven't met without all the vulnerabilities of being five.

My son is 10 and hasn't really done sleep overs at people's houses. Although I think now at this age he would be absolutely fine and he has confidently been on beavers/cubs and school camps. I would have let him or invited his friends to stay if my oldest friends lived nearby with kids but the options are really friends made at school - although I do know the mum's well through playdates/coffee/park even shared short breaks.

Some of his friends were doing sleep overs at 7/8 and hearing about kids needing to be comforted as they are crying for home at midnight sounds horrid and not what I want to be doing at all. (hearing from the mum friends that hosted) I can't see the point - why not just play and then go home - even if it's 9 or 10 at night at a weekend.

I've had people drop their kids off(or i just picked them all up) since they were 3. I attended most playdates, but that's because I don't drive, so if I'm walking all that way , I'm not going to do it any more times than necessary. She has been on her own when the parents offered her a lift, even if they were just school gates mums rather than really close friends.

I had this problem op as I'm a people pleaser and felt rude telling the mum that I wanted to come with my 5 year old DD to her house.

My Dad put me straight and said "your kids safety is far more important than your desire not to offend a total stranger." That woke me up a bit and I now insist on accompanying DD to play dates where I don't know the parents.

I wouldn't let my 5 year old sleep at the home of people I don't know very well, let alone get into a car with a stranger. I think you need to rethink the whole thing.

I agree with you OP. I wouldn’t have let my 5yr old go to a virtual stranger’s house for a play date without me and I doubt know any of my mum friends would have done that either.

Some children can become little show off /horrors in their own homes, with moody unpleasant behaviour. You need to be confident that the other parent will take control and stop any unpleasant behaviour and not just leave them alone upstairs at such a young age.

However, I’ve lived in different places and I think play date/party etiquette varies enormously according to very localised norms so in one part of the country parents think nothing of leaving their 5 yr old with a relatively unknown parent from the school and in another area, the parent would expect to be invited along for the duration of the play date.

Neither is especially right or wrong but if you feel uncomfortable, then don’t agree to the arrangement.

It's the norm here for parents to stay at parties with their children until they're in year 3 at school.

I'd let my children go to their school friends' houses straight after school for a playdate if I'd got to know their parents well at drop offs and pick ups but not otherwise.

I wouldn't do this. Go with her.

At 5 I would expect to always go to the other house myself too the first time.
To check things like

• not smoking in the house
• no unmanageable dogs
• no visible safety issues

And so I am clear where they live. I also wouldn't let a 5yo get in a car with anyone I'd only just met, male or female.

I’m really surprised by the responses, around here nobody stays for play dates or parties from reception. That said, it’s just one class and everyone knows each other but still, it would be highly unusual barring SEN to stay with your child at a play date at age 5. Funny how it varies!

Go with what you’re comfortable with - just say it’s easier for you to drop her by as you have stuff to do anyway or something.

You are uncomfortable and that is enough. In addition to the questions about smoking and dogs that don't like strangers.

I would not let my 5 year old go to a play date alone with someone I didn't know very well let alone be picked up by a husband I'd never met. Tbh my dd wouldn't want to anyway.

Perfectly reasonable to ask if it's ok to come with her on this occasion just until you get to know them better.

In relation to parties I started noticing from about 6/year1 parents started leaving kids alone at parties. On one occasion a mum said "oh I've never left him alone before but I'm sure he'll be fine" and quickly disappeared leaving a sobbing child who had a thoroughly miserable time at the party.

I'm surprised at the responses.
You say the mum has been to yours for coffee a couple of tines so hardly a stranger.
But even if you didn't know her,At 5 I can't imagine why i would want to sit and chat to a person I don't know very well just 'cos the kids want to play. Drop them off, clear off for a couple of hours and collect/ their parent drops off

I am assuming that the idea here is the daughter stays with her friend. They are both picked up by the dad after school, driven to the friends house, have dinner and do some playing and the OP then picks up her daughter at the agreed time. The dad is part of the family so is likely to have been around even if he didn't do the pick up. Even if he was a child murderer how would you ever know just by meeting him. So much over-thinking going on especially when most abuse is from 'trusted' people.

There is nothing wrong with asking to meet the dad first. You will not be seen as weird or out of order to say this!

At 5 its normal here for kids to go for playdates after school. Would be really strange and awkward for parents to turn up.

However, I understand about the car. Just take her there yourself then leave.

Going for a playdate with someone you have not known that long is not a real issue, however I would drop the little one off so I could see the house and maybe ask for it to be a short visit the first few times. Being picked up by the dad is a no no for me, until you know him/the family much much better. If the child doesn't enjoy the visit they won't want a repeat so problem will be solved anyway.

It would be totally normal here. Most of the parents all know each other, it’s a small town.
I would think it was odd if I invited my child’s friend round and a parent came along with them.

I’m a chilled parent and work on trust a lot but it would be no from me. Not because i see the worst in people but because my DD wouldn’t be comfortable going in a car with a random man, and he is a random man.

Sorry if they are both being picked up cool, if it is just random dad and DD no.

I let both my kids go on play dates and had kids to us although in all honesty mostly with parents I knew. I lice in a small town with one school so you quickly get to know people. I would drop her off and hang around for a coffee. Maybe go out for an hour to pick some stuff up from the shops or something and pick her up after. Make up a reason for keeping the date short.

I don't think it's unusual to leave your kids with others and people who are calling it neglect are insane. However I would start slowly with leaving her only a short amount of time until you know both you and dd are comfortable with it.

I will also say this, school is HARD for kids. Friendships are formed in those play dates and I know from experience that not doing them can result in lonely kids in the playground. So I would always encourage you to do them.

Even if he was a child murderer how would you ever know just by meeting him. So much over-thinking going on especially when most abuse is from 'trusted' people

Has anyone actually mentioned these catastrophic scenarios?

I think much concern stems from a 5 year old child feeling uncomfortable with a stranger. Many adults aren't keen on traveling in car with a total stranger - why put a completely vulnerable child in that position?

Here (in the SE, small town), general rule was you go along with child until both kids and parents were happy and felt comfortable. You would have the parents number, and they'd have yours, so you could contact for any reason. You would ensure you know where they lived and vice versa. You have to build trust and a couple of hellos at the school gates wasn't long enough to build it. Parents also all stayed at parties until about 7/8 yrs old, when they felt comfortable enough to leave - again, trust.

So, do you trust that the husband will take care of your DD on the journey? If you've never met him, you can't make that judgement, so personally, I would not be OK with it.

Equally, do you trust the mum to support your DD if she has a wobble or falls out with friend whilst there? Would she be calm, reasonable or would she scream/shout? I'd want to see how the other mums/dads parent their child so I could make that judgement.

There was a thread on here recently where a mum wanted to vet the playdate's house first and the general consensus was that this was ridiculous. Most seemed happy to let their young DC go alone on play dates. I feel the comments are influenced by the view of the first few posters.