Scared to let DD in his car??

[Widget123]

So, I've recently become friends with a local mum. We've met a couple of times, our DD's get on great and she seems nice. She asked if my DD can go over theirs, when I said yes (even this I was a little nervous of without me there as I don't know them THAT well yet), she said great her husband will pick her up on his way back from work.
I immediately go worried as I don't know the husband, I've never met him and the thought of my daughter (5) being in the car with a man I don't know makes me feel uneasy.
My DH says he would prefer to have met him first and I agree... but are we being unreasonable and what the hell do I say to the mum without causing enormous offence?!
The sane part of my brain is totally saying 'don't be ridiculous, it's a car trip with a local dad!' and the other is saying ' don't put your little girl in a car with a guy you don't know whoever he is?!'
Good advice please, and can we try to keep this kind, I know people like to take swipes on here sometimes :S

If he is picking the daughter plus friend up from school as normal that would be ok for me. I only stayed at parties for reception year.

@alohamore That's neglect!

My DD is only 1 but my feeling is I’d be happy to let her go on play dates after school when she’s five. I used to love them!

It’s bonkers to stay with a child at a virtual strangers house?

A child at 5 doesn’t have the ability to explain to a parent if something happened at someone’s house that made them feel uncomfortable.
They’re not old enough for you to be able to ask them questions and get an adequate answer.
They’re also at an age where they go along with what someone else is doing and probably wouldn’t say no even if they didn’t want to do something.

When families learn that their relatives are suddenly on the sex offenders list they’re always surprised, even being that close to them.

What I’m saying is- you’ve got to be careful with people you love and trust, never mind complete strangers.

Not just that but in general- the thread a few weeks ago about weird stuff about other people’s houses- people being made to eat things they didn’t want, weird reactions and behaviours from other people’s parents, weird behaviour from the children whose house they were at.
No thanks.

I’d rather my child be old enough to exert herself and be able to remove herself from that situation instead of suffocating in it.

Just say dd is a bit wary of people that she doesn’t know and say once she’s met him a few times she will probably be okay in the car with him but until then you’ll drop her off.

No way YANBU

I think at age 5 it wouldn't be unreasonable to say that your daughter
would be more comfortable if you brought her over, at least for the first visit to their house.

A child at 5 doesn’t have the ability to explain to a parent if something happened at someone’s house that made them feel uncomfortable.
They’re not old enough for you to be able to ask them questions and get an adequate answer.

Sure they can as long as they have been given the language around these issues, have been told the rules about private parts, PANTS, if they have their views and opinions listened to,if they know you will listen and you have their back etc.

Most 5yos I know (bar any SEN) are very vocal about their likes and dislikes and whether they want to do something or not.

@Widget123 has DD been to her house before?

It’s very much the norm here for kids to go to play dates unaccompanied after a term or so at school. We’re in Scotland so they’re average 5 1/2 when they start school, near 6 when play dates started. I’ve let mine go with parents I only see at drop off / pick up. But we are in a geographic catchment so all houses in walking distance and known areas.
I’d have been happy to have a dad pick up but only if it’s a dad I’ve met at the school and my dc would recognise. Also first play dates generally only an hour or so.

Also. ALL parties from age 5 are drop off and some at age 4 were when there were professionals running them but mostly it was stay at age 4, leave them at age 5 and above.

I’m guessing you don’t have a 5yo @ PanicAndRun?

5 year olds say all sorts- it’s hard to filter.
They also cannot explain how they’re feeling when something is new. It is not easy for them.

Not easy for them to articulate themselves’

Sure they can as long as they have been given the language around these issues, have been told the rules about private parts, PANTS, if they have their views and opinions listened to,if they know you will listen and you have their back etc

Well, we hope so, don't we? I agree - partly - but find this a little blase. I doubt, thank God, that the majority of parents don't have to quiz their 5 year old on it.

5-year-olds aren't always predictable, especially in a stressful situation.

As I said upthread, it's not really about this catastrophic scenario. It's more to do a 5 year old being with an adult stranger, who may or may not be comfortable company for them.

I wouldn't do it. My own 5 year old would hate it and probably refuse to go.

I’m like the least over protective mum ever but I wouldn’t be happy with this. At 5 I’d always stay for play dates and parties unless we knew the family particularly well. I’ve got two DDs, 10 and 7 and the youngest one has been having play dates and parties alone since about 6 and had her first sleepover recently. 5 is still a baby. Just say you think she’ll get upset without you and you’ll come over with her and catch up with the mum.

You're right DD isn't 5 anymore.

But I find the narrative of 5 yos don't know what they're saying or how to say it or how to express feelings slightly dangerous. It's what helps people to turn a blind eye or ignore a concern because 5 yos say "all sorts".

When she was 5 something happened (not extremely serious) she not only had the words to say what happened but also that it was wrong and why it was wrong. I believed her and caused a massive fuss, it was the other adults (mainly her school) that tried to dismiss it,minimise it, make her change her mind about what happened and how she felt about it because 5 yos don't really understand or have the capacity to express themselves or understand their feelings and they say "all sorts".

Given the correct tools they do. Being listened to ,believed and acknowledged (even on the small things)increases their confidence to speak up about bigger things.

But I find the narrative of 5 yos don't know what they're saying or how to say it or how to express feelings slightly dangerous. It's what helps people to turn a blind eye or ignore a concern because 5 yos say "all sorts

I disagree, on balance. The two things can be separated. I can know that my 5 year old would struggle to explain her feelings in certain scenarios to me.

That has no impact whatsoever on how carefully I listen to her.

A young child not being able to explain something coherently is different from 'saying all sorts.' I don't put the two together at all, actually.

My trust in my child's ability to communicate - and my ability to believe her and listen to her - would still not persuade me to let my 5 year old travel in a car with a complete stranger.

‘ When she was 5 something happened (not extremely serious) she not only had the words to say what happened but also that it was wrong and why it was wrong. I believed her and caused a massive fuss, it was the other adults (mainly her school) that tried to dismiss it,minimise it,’

Imagine trying to do that if something happened at a practically strangers house.

‘A young child not being able to explain something coherently is different from 'saying all sorts.' I don't put the two together at all, actually.’

See I do.
I listen to and trust my child, she says some very questionable things sometimes- I listen, take note and get involved when necessary.
It is my duty of care to my child to listen and keep her safe in all situations.
Leaving her with someone who is practically a stranger wouldn’t be carrying out my duty of care to my child.

I have a 5 year old. I wouldn't let her go on a playdate without me until I know the parents well. I'd just go with her. She definitely would not want to go in a stranger's car on her own anyway.

Btw I never said OP should let her DD go in any car, much less the friend's husband.

I suggested to have the playdate at her house instead and asked if her DD has been to the friend's house before.

No idea why you think I'm advocating stranger car rides.

What I'm saying is that I'm uncomfortable with the idea of "A child at 5 doesn’t have the ability to explain to a parent if something happened at someone’s house that made them feel uncomfortable.
They’re not old enough for you to be able to ask them questions and get an adequate answer." being perpetuated as a general truth because it does children (5or otherwise) no favours.

Just say that you don't know if DD will accept being collected by a strange man in a car and say you'll drop her off and is it ok if you come in for a coffee to make sure she settles ok.

I listen to and trust my child, she says some very questionable things sometimes- I listen, take note and get involved when necessary

Agree, but I'm not sure where we differ. My point was that when children are failing to say something clearly, that doesn't mean that they are 'saying all sorts.'

I don't think I can recall an occasion where I've thought any of my DC were 'saying all sorts' actually. They've usually been trying to say something.

No idea why you think I'm advocating stranger car rides

Was this to me?

If so, I've no idea why you think I've done so - I haven't referred to that at all.

Go with your gut instinct which by the sounds of it is making you think this is not a good idea. Personally I would not put my 5 year old in a car with a man that she has never met. Drive her there yourself let her get to know her new friends parents and them her. Once she and you feel more comfortable then fair enough they can collect her to go over for playdates.