AIBU to miss my child-free life so much?

[Biscuitsandteaplease]

I love my DS but I do not like my life as a parent. He was very much wanted after a long struggle TTC which consumed my entire life.

I am struggling as a slave to nap times, feed times, various illnesses/constipation, meltdowns, developmental leaps, broken sleep, never being able to get out the house before 3 in the afternoon when the sun is already going down.. I could go on

I miss long lie-ins, spontaneous road trips, meals out, binge watching box sets until 3am, time with my DH and feeling like it hasn't been 6 weeks since I last sat and spoke to him. Eugh.

Happy parents - how does your life look? Where am I going wrong?

How old is your DS?

Your not going wrong, its hard work!! And depending how old your DS is, depends how bloody hard it can be. Also depends if you gave a good support system, i have DP and a babysitter every so often

Ill be honest now and say that I am finally finding it a hell of a lot easier now my DS is 3 and out of nappies and a pram. That alone has made life so much easier,

All i need to take out now is spare clothes in a small bag, not a buggy or pram, bottles, wipes, nappies, ect

DP wants to have another and i am not as keej, i am only just getting my freedom back as such,

Lack of sleep is an absolute killer, it changes the way you look at things and changes how you would normally feel

As i mentioned up we didnt have anyone around to help with ours, i ended up paying to have ( at the time ) 14 month old DS in nursery twice a week.... that did my sanity wonders

How old us he?

How old is he? 16 months here and feel pretty much the same. I am not having another.

Meant to say aswell

I have PCOS so really struggled to conceive both of mine, i found myself feeling even more guilty when i wasnt enjoying them because id wanted them much

Please dont feel guilty about that, being a parent is hard work, it really is. There are so many positives but at the same time it drains you mentally and physcially

No one enjoys being woken multiple times a night, no one enjoys someone crying because its the only way they can communicate, it can actually be a really shit time depending on your circumstances

He's almost 6 months, I know it's early days but as PFB it's all I know and it feels like long and endless right now

I miss all of those things too! We aren't bad parents for thinking about our old lives! My potty training currently and I'm dying 😂 wish I was in Thailand on my gap year with no responsibilities with my bad adding more money to my account 😩

Its a drudge, I was desperate to get back to work when DTs turned 1. I am not one for small babies. Once they developed a proper personality and could talk it was oh soo much better.

I always said I would have rather taken my year off for ML when they were two to three. Could happily have missed the baby stage entirely.

I would say OP that, within reason, you should be able to change things to suit you more.
Do you pack a going out bag the night before? Then get up, no matter what kind of night you’ve had, get ready and get out.
Will your baby sleep in the car? Or in the pram? If so use it.

Yes, box sets till 3 am are out of the window but all the other things are absolutely possible.

I was never fond of the small baby stage. it is all such a trudge. I loved it as mine got older and developed into little people and could do things for themselves. I loved it even more when they were teenagers and you could go pretty much anywhere with them. I adore them as adults and wish I saw them more often! Stick with it OP (not like you have a choice!) - it will work out fine in the end.

Just because he was very much wanted it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to moan! They can be utter pains in the bum. Each age has it’s challenges.

My eldest is 10 & very much a ‘tween’ in her attitude, she can be a complete joy but I do spend a good portion of my time muttering under my breath. My 2yo can be similarly frustrating but is easier to placate the middle 3 can all have their moments too!

My point is feeling ground down by parenthood doesn’t mean you love them any less.

If you’re dealing with a 2yo or under it does (in my experience & from talking to friends/acquaintances) get a lot easier the closer they get to 3 in terms of the day to day overwhelmed feeling.

I think almost every other parent on earth misses the things you miss! What you describe sounds as normal as breathing.

Concentrate on how much you love your son. Only if you can’t find joy in your wonderous child despite all the things you (and all parents!) miss, then go and see your GP to see if you have PND. But what you describe doesn’t sound like it to me.

You're not being unreasonable. It's hard work!
Our DC take everything from us including our time, patience, money etc.
I think you need to take back some of the things that you enjoy in order to not get too overwhelmed. Can your partner have DC sometimes so you can go out with friends, go for a walk on your own, gym, swim whatever you enjoy, and then someone else look after DC so you can go for an uninterrupted meal and proper convo with DP?
It's easier said than done I know!
I think remembering that everything is a phase definitely helps- when you're having to build a tower, or tidy the toys, or read the same book for the 100th time- sooner or later they'll move on and you will be relieved of the change!

What is stopping you leave the house until 3pm?
Your routine does revolve around your child when you have DC but that doesn't sound right.
What is your routine at the moment?

I too was homesick for my old life when I had a baby under a year.

It does wear off though, I went on to have two more. You get used to it, things get easier, they start to be mire fun to be with and you get large chunks of your freedom back with babysitting, nursery, school etc.

Don’t feel bad about not liking it, lots of us felt them same. Took me a long time to have a baby too, I also had a late loss and I still didn’t relish the early part.

I miss my pre child Life and marriage but once dc1 turned 2 it got better.

I feel the same. DS is 18 months old and I feel like I'm just counting down the years until he becomes an adult. I think about my pre-child life every single day! There's no way in hell that he's getting a sibling, I'm completely done with it.

I used to feel like that - it does get easier and I don't have any advice other than "hang in there". My twins are now 18 yo!

Agree with Blue, hang in there..... life is wonderful now that my 18 year old is at uni . No empty nest syndrome for me!

You're not unreasonable, nor alone in your thinking.
Life opens up a bit more as they sleep better, drop naps, potty train, can be looked after overnight by someone else - 6 months is still in the very intense baby stage!

Life felt like a constant grind when mine was young, things that helped were claiming one night a week as my own. If I couldn't make plans with friends I would go for a walk or read a book in the pub on my own.
Having home date nights, candlelit dinner with us both dressed nicely and me smelling of perfume instead of baby sick!
Saving and planning for a night away once baby could be happily left overnight.

Little bits of life as you knew it will slowly start to come back, it's hard when you're in the thick of it though.

You don’t need to be a slave to feed and nap times babies are portable. I have 3 kids youngest is 6 months (other 2 are 3 and 7) you need to start establishing routines that work for you and fit with your life. My baby gets taken everywhere with me. He goes on the school run, nursery run, meetings with me (eldest has a lot of additional support needs), baby and toddler groups, shopping etc.

The best tips I can give are:

Get clothes organised the night before

Organise nappy bag the night before

Look into baby groups and book into them. My baby does baby sensory, baby swimming lessons and baby and toddler group twice week that my 3 year old likes. It actually tires them out as they normally stay a wake at 6 months old to see what’s going on. He then sleeps for a couple of hours afterwards.

Make time for you be it a bath or to get your nails done. I have to pay a childminder who I trust totally to do this as dh works mon to fri and I work sats. I feel no guilt about this as it’s not often but I get a couple of hours quiet time. I also enjoy working every sat as it’s a break even though I am working.

Try to make mum friends who can meet for coffees etc. They understand when your tired. Lonely it just fed up.

I always put on a load of washing first thing, unload the dishwasher, clean downstairs. I strip each bed on a different day, wash floors on set days, Hoover downstairs everyday, dust on a set day etc. It makes the housework more manageable.

Honestly it’s a massive adjustment having kids but try to make it as easy as possible for you by getting into a routine that works well. If you need to go back to work early to help you do so.

Try and organise yourself the night before so you can get up and out when you need to.

I use to feel lile that too. You have to mourne your old life.
By the time Dc was 2, we had our evenings back, there was only 1 nap so could do stuff... still waiting for the lie ins though

It is hard. I have 4 and i honestly don't know how i will get through some days but then i have a good day and it's worth it. It is so hard and you do not have to see the joy in every moment especially with a baby so small. It does start to get easier in terms of physical care and feeling like a feed/nap slave.

I don’t really love parenting babies. Now DD is 11 and we chat, go to the cinema and have interesting conversations it’s so much better.

It does get easier!

I always warn new parents that between 4 and 6 months they will start to feel awful and like their life is over. IME it almost always happens. To me it seems like a grieving process. It's around 4 months that you start to realise that this situation is permanent, no one is going to come along and give you a break, no one is going to say 'right, time for a holiday,' take the baby out of your arms and let you go and relax for few weeks. You start to think 'oh is this it?' and you feel like life is always going to be this drudge of endless baby maintenance. You are really, truly a parent, now and forever more.

If you allow yourself to grieve and then start to accept that life has changed, you'll soon put your head up and realise that actually things are getting easier and this isn't too bad after all. The baby phase is a really hard slog, I don't like it at all, but they do grow incredibly fast - it really won't be long until you're bringing your tiny baby to nursery, then school. And, of course, you'll feel nostalgic for these endless days. It's how it works, totally irrational.

My two are 9 and nearly 7 and I still feel a pang of that grief every now and again, but I also love my life as a parent. It does get easier, you do get more time to yourself and you do start to enjoy their company more.

My one warning would be not to get stuck in your grief - I know a few people who never really got over the fact that their life had changed and it caused them endless heartache. It can really affect your relationship with your children if you're constantly hankering after a different life. This life has its drawbacks but it is good, in ways that you can't even anticipate now (wait till he says mummy for the first time!) - don't miss out on the joy of it by filling your life with resentment over the hard bits.