AIBU to miss my child-free life so much?

[Biscuitsandteaplease]

I love my DS but I do not like my life as a parent. He was very much wanted after a long struggle TTC which consumed my entire life.

I am struggling as a slave to nap times, feed times, various illnesses/constipation, meltdowns, developmental leaps, broken sleep, never being able to get out the house before 3 in the afternoon when the sun is already going down.. I could go on

I miss long lie-ins, spontaneous road trips, meals out, binge watching box sets until 3am, time with my DH and feeling like it hasn't been 6 weeks since I last sat and spoke to him. Eugh.

Happy parents - how does your life look? Where am I going wrong?

Why are you not able to leave the house untill after 3 ? Your life does change after a baby but not to the point you have no life mabey try a different routine .

Babies routines do change as they get older and naturally start to sleep longer. Does he sleep in a carrier? If so invest in one and use him to take him to groups etc. My second baby was an awful sleeper due to reflux and had been ill at birth. He was in his carrier loads and totally settled in it. I know groups are a scary thought but is it not better than being lonely? Try church run groups normally the volunteers are good at getting mums to chat. Also sure start if you have one locally are good. I know your scared to change your ds routine (understandably so) but once he has more of a set routine he may well sleep better and in a pattern.

I'd definitely recommend going to baby groups as being stuck indoors all day with a baby must be making you feel pretty lonely and isolated, especially as baby is so little and can't give anything back. Even if you just go and don't talk to people, it's good to be around others. Something like baby yoga or baby massage might be good as you're kept busy engaging with baby so it wouldn't feel awkward if you don't feel up to chatting too much. Same with swimming or baby sensory. Do you know anyone with a baby of similar age you could arrange to meet up with?

Your routine clearly isn't working for you, and being a slate to it so that you can't go out until 3pm is crazy.

All of the things you mention you can still do. Some (like watching box sets late) there is a heavy price in terms of being shattered the next day, so maybe just reign it in a bit, or do it in the evenings.

But you can go out for meals, with or without baby. Doing it at 6 months is much easier than when they are a toddler, and if you're worried about it disrupting your evening routine, do it at lunch instead.

All a baby really needs is a few nappies, wipes, butt cream (if prone to nappy rash), a spare outfit, and some milk if bottle fed. Maybe a bit of food if out over a meal time. That's 6 items. Packing a bag doesn't need to be any more tricky than that. And if they get used to it from a young age, most babies will happily sleep in slings, the pram, in the car etc, so you can stick to your timings, but get out and have some fun with your baby - or fun for you.

There are some things which are incompatible with having a young baby - exploring Antarctic on foot, going clubbing every night, but most things you can do, just in a slightly altered way.

I hated the baby stage OP and felt so bored, lonely and trapped.

6 months is better as they start being able to sit up, hold things and entertained themselves for a few minutes. Also by 7 months you could be down to 2 naps which is much easier to fit in. 10 months is even better, they start interacting more and being fun. 15 months onwards is extremely cute and may be down to 1 nap. 2 years onwards they start to talk which is fab. 3 years onwards they begin to do more themselves.

You don’t get your life back in the old sense until much much later (though bits of it come back gradually) but you get a lot more from your child as they get older and that makes it worth it.

Can you reclaim some tiny bits of time? Join a gym with a creche for example? Go out on Saturday mornings and leave the baby with DH? I should have done these things, it would have helped.

At 6 months I think its normal to feel like that.As cliche as it is it WILL get better,I didn't enjoy the baby stage at all I didn't feel like myself.

@Curiosity101 routine is currently:

Somewhere between 6:30/7am - wake up, feed and then play while I do breakfast/shower etc
9:20-10 - nap
Play for a bit then feed and more play then I'll do housework
12:20-2:20 - nap. I will eat/rest/do more housework during this time.
Then feed, play and get out for a bit to shops/for a walk/coffee etc
Short nap in afternoon (like 10mins) around 5pm usually in car or pram and then feed, bath, bedtime routine
7pm - bedtime

It is changeable but I have found that he naps the very best in his cot at home and there isn't anywhere close enough to where we live to allow me to get out until after his big nap - he's very grouchy if he doesn't get these naps at these times now and I want an easy life

My DH is amazing and very attentive/supportive. He comes in from work and takes over and we share getting up in the night well. I do the bulk of housework and cooking but this was pre-agreed and I have no issue with this.
He often offers to take our DS out at weekends to give me a break but it's him I miss and this actually makes the loneliness worse as I would rather spend time with him if you see what I mean. It's times like that when I have the most longing for our childless life.

My previously very close friends are really busy (and happy) with their childless lives and sadly are not often around at the moment so I feel very disconnected to them and it probably isn't helping the feeling that their grass is greener. They haven't known what to say when I've reached out to them in the past so Ive stopped bothering. Not their fault at all but just doesn't help.

I guess I was just wanting to hear it will get better once the heat is off a little bit and DS is a bit more independent thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply!

To answer the second part of your question (I think I'm a pretty happy parent), when I had one six month old:

I was back doing work a couple of days a week, but on my baby days, it was a mixture of doing some chores (minimum I could get away with tbh), long lunches with friends, going to see people, parks, etc. I spent a lot of time having loooong lunches with next people, that eventually morphed into park/softplay meet ups. Baby napped on my back in the sling, or in a pushchair. I I went to baby groups and classes, and events at the library. And sometimes I had a cheeky nap. Where I could, I had the principle that of 3 naps in the day (as it was then), if at home, one I'd tidy during, one I'd cook dinner during, and one would be some time off for me.

Now I've got a toddler and a baby, there is more to fit in the same time, so it's a bit different, but that's not the situation you are in.

I don't get longing for childfree life, but I did have a couple of weekends away before my second came along, and that was blissful to just spend time as partners, rather than parents. I'm not sure when we'll next get chance for that, which makes me feel a bit sad, but we will carve out time where we can.

Sounds like loneliness is the main issue. There are windows you could definitely get out and about but you need someone to meet up with.

Have you looked at apps like Mushh (i think) and Peanut? They weren’t around when I had DD but I’ve seen ads and think they are kind of like dating apps for lonely mums on maternity!

I know that I am far too uptight about the routine but my anxiety around it is worse when I try and break it!
I obviously need to just give it more of a chance. I don't think I need to be as unhappy as I am and probably wouldn't be if I loosened up a bit and got used to it.. I'm just too scared of his sleep going to shit and me losing my mind for real as I came pretty close in the very early months.

My life just isn't how I imagined it would be with a baby at all - I've only been brave enough to go to a coffee shop once on my own and wouldn't dare go into a library/restaurant or anywhere with lots of people for fear of being judged. Have only taken him to one friend's house once!
I mainly stick to large outdoor spaces which is really hard in the middle of winter

He will sleep if you put him in the buggy and go out for a walk at nap times, surely? Try it. (With adequate clothing for you too!)
Get your friend to come round, go out for walks together, start to do things together. Can you be straight with her about your anxiety? Unless she has a heart of stone she can surely help you once a week or so?
Being isolated can make anyone feel really down, and then start to overthink things and before you know it - BAM - you have anxiety.
What's the worst thing that could happen if you go out with DS?
He cries?
He possetts?
He needs changing?
He gets old dears cooing over him?
Nothing that bad, really! And you will learn to open doors with your bum and bounce the buggy with him in it up and down steps.
You need to get out!
Do you go to the baby clinic for weighing and to see HV? (Assuming they still do these - had my DCs decades ago.) Speak to your HV!

It does get better but the first bit can be a struggle. Get organised, have his bag all packed and by the door so you can grab and go. Make sure your outfits for a day out are organised the night before and always have a back up for you and the baby in case he spews or brings up milk. Lower your expectations, the beginning isn't necessarily fun for us all as baby doesn't give you much back at this age in terms of interaction that will change. Set out a new routine for you and baby and be prepared to adapt. Try signing up to baby massage or sensory play so that you have a specific purpose a few times a week.

When mine were that age I had set days for doing laundry so I wasn't sorting, picking up clothes folding them every bloody day. Try to batch cook one day a week and freeze meals so that on days where you go to groups you know you don't have too much to do when you get home.

Baby groups were and are my salvation! They give a structure to the day. We do two or three a week, all morning classes, then by the time you get home, do lunch and then afternoon nap, there's not too much day left before bedtime!

We hired a nanny and I went back to work when the twins were 12 months old. It's insanely expensive but I simply couldn't stay at home any longer, my brain was starting to atrophy.

All the things you miss, you can do with a baby!

It took me about a year to get over the shock of becoming a mum. I still have bad days but generally I prefer life with my children now. (I went on to have another one!) I was diagnosed with PN depression when my son was 6 months, getting that treated was a huge step forward.

Have hope! My son is 13 mo the and it is already a lot easier...he can feed himself a lot of things and we need fewer nappy changes.
Also, he is walking and can play by himself. He sleeps as well!
I am expecting no 2 in July and I must say, as much a tiny babies are cute, I am dreading the sleepless nights, bad back and explosive poos!

I think sometimes the longer the struggle to have a long waited child, the harder it is when you find it much harder than you anticipated. But I do think the key is to change up your routine a bit. I spent the first year not really knowing what to do with my lo, I had pnd and didn’t really go out a lot, and like you wanted him to nap so wouldn’t go out in the morning. Then I joined a music group in the morning that I paid for, so I had to go! It really changed that day for me, we were up and out and then the rest of the day actually felt a lot better. He would still nap in the afternoon so I could get bits done. I think setting little goals every day or finding activities to do 3-4 days a week, even if it’s food shopping but doing them in the morning will make you feel a lot better.
And it does get easier, mine is now almost 4 and independent mostly and apart from the tantrums and the threenager behaviour he is much more enjoyable to be around. Newborn to 2yrs is hard work as you are constantly working around different stages of development and it can be a very lonely place. Try and access the local children’s centres as they have free groups you can go too. Having a baby in reality is so different to expectation and it can be very difficult to get over that. But once you accept that your life is different now, you’ll learn to embrace it. We don’t have family nearby so spend hardly any time as a couple anymore which is so hard, but I know it’s not forever x

It does get easier! Our first was unplanned and I really struggled with the culture shock/loss of independence from having him - especially the first couple of years. After having him, adding another was no big deal because life had already changed so much that adding another child made no difference. I will say, try to get out and meet some other mums if you can. None of my friends were having kids when I had my first and I went back to FT work when he was 6 months so I totally failed to do this. I just worked and looked after him and I actually became really isolated and miserable from the lack of contact. While my friends were meeting up after work, I was home with the baby. My long term friends started having kids around the time I had my second which has helped because they are tied in the same way I am, but I actually feel the isolation from those previous years were really not good for me. Mine are 9 and 4 now, and I feel we are nearly there in terms of them being quite independent (can't wait to wipe my last bum that's not my own, or sit with someone who is in the bath for the last time) but I still do really miss my independence. My husband has always worked long hours so I have always been stuck in the house once the kids are asleep and I'd love to go to classes and do a few things for me in that time, but it is slowly getting easier. Who knew parenting would be so hard? My parents never let on about the sacrifices that are made, yet if I talk to anyone about it now they all agree! I'm really looking forward to the time when I can leave them in the house on their own so I can do a fitness class or an art class in the evenings, but have a few more years to wait until then! Keep going, the highs of parenting are a total joy but the lows are challenging. We are all in it together and we all feel it in different ways and at different times. Good job we love the little blighters so much!

OP I hear you totally.

Like you l prioritised a good nightime sleep routine, over going out (l had 2Dcs in 16 months)
I stuck fairly rigidly to almost the same routine, as l couldn't cope with bad nights.
My two slept predictably for naps and throughout the night, and because of this were easy when awake.

Think carefully before throwing all that down the pan, as he will need less naps and then drop the midday one too eventually.

What is most important to you coping, getting sleep and having an easy baby or going out on a whim and probably having a grouchy baby? We are all different.

What l will say is that the time does fly and before you know it you will be waving him off to school!

I took the attitiude that having always worked horribly long hours pre dcs, it was a luxury to potter at home, read a book, be able to chat to friends during lunchtime nap time, make my house a lovely home, (I even decorated a couple of rooms ) and plan the future.
Yes it was sometimes lonely but having desperately wanted dcs it seemed a small price to pay for a relatively short time of being restricted.

Be brave and in the short morning you have, get out somewhere, again in the afternoon just go to as shopping centre or library, talking to the odd person really helps. Prioritise talking to a different friend or family member every nap time, use the advantage of the routine and make it work for you.

Spend time with DH in the evenings once DS is asleep, put on music, get a takeaway and chat.

Remember every few months you will gain a tiny bit more freedom and flexibility.

I agree with Rebel ,NCT groups are often small and friendly ,you take turns hosting at each others homes, which makes for a smaller cosier set up .Young Babies are tiring, and sometimes feels like it will never end! Its coming up to Spring now and the days will get lighter . My DS feels similar loves her 2 DDs but finds it tiring !

I was the same OP! Looking at your routine I would personally look to get out of the house between 10 and 12, the housework can wait. I found even just walking aimlessly around the block with the pram made a world of difference, being stuck in a repetitive cycle in the same 4 walls can be very challenging. I also found the thought of baby groups terrifying, I purposefully chose one which is in the middle of two others, so no chance to talk to others beforehand or after which suited me well . Plenty of people in the same boat, not minimising your anxiety towards it but if you feel you might be able to try one (maybe someone could go with you?) it might help.

I found going back to work part time and DS starting with the childminder made a world of difference. I struggled on maternity leave, as much as I felt fortunate to have the chance for time off, and do have some precious memories; it was also bloody hard and I don't want to ever do it again! I know it has been said and it's not always easy to believe when you are in the middle of it, but for most people it does get better (not necessarily easier, but it changes).

Having a couple of other mum friends with babies the same age to empathise and go through this all together with could make a world of difference OP. There are two great apps I use - Hoop which lists local baby groups and classes, and Mush which lists other local mums looking to make mum-friends. Maybe try something like that to see if you can find a kindred spirit?

Also - do make sure your OH or family or someone can sub in and give you an afternoon or evening off regularly to go and relax. I remember going to sainsburys when my DH came home from work felt like a spa day and I used to get such a sense of relief and freedom just being baby and responsibility free!

OP you have to try and get out 10-12.
I had same routine as you and i did:

• driving somewhere eg swimming. first nap in car. If necessary sit in car on arrival waiting for nap to finish.
• being super organised so that i could literally lift baby out of the cot and walk straight out of the door. Feed when you get somewhere so that at least YOU get a change of scene.
• planning to go to a friend's house, taking travel cot so baby could have a nap in spare room while I enjoyed lunch with friend. This one I did a lot & it saved me!

It's daunting I know, but you can do it with practise honestly. Dont worry about baby falling asleep in car on way home either. You will find in time you either manage to transfer into cot, or actually they will last awake longer than you think and go down easily when you get home.