AIBU to miss my child-free life so much?

[Biscuitsandteaplease]

I love my DS but I do not like my life as a parent. He was very much wanted after a long struggle TTC which consumed my entire life.

I am struggling as a slave to nap times, feed times, various illnesses/constipation, meltdowns, developmental leaps, broken sleep, never being able to get out the house before 3 in the afternoon when the sun is already going down.. I could go on

I miss long lie-ins, spontaneous road trips, meals out, binge watching box sets until 3am, time with my DH and feeling like it hasn't been 6 weeks since I last sat and spoke to him. Eugh.

Happy parents - how does your life look? Where am I going wrong?

I could honestly live without the lie ins and those of you who have said that I need to adapt the routine so I can get out are right.

I started following a sleep routine because I couldn't handle the unpredictability of it all and it worked and DS started sleeping through more often so I've been terrified to stray from it because being as sleep deprived as I was made me want to jump in front of the nearest bus - it does mean that we're currently housebound until around 2:30-3pm though but that won't be for much longer.

I am very organised in terms of bags packed, housework etc so we can get out but it's more the loneliness. We don't have many neighbours where we live and I can go a few days in a row without speaking to anyone until DH gets home.
I appreciate I could do with going to some baby groups but most of them are earlier in the day where we live and I am quite an introverted person so it's just another challenge to work up to go to them tbh

Oh OP this is so normal! Even the ‘happy parents’ you mention have times when they feel like this. It’s so intense and relentless and you have no idea beforehand really.

I found it helped to get out of the house to a baby class or meet a friend for coffee. If you’ve got an arrangement then you’re more likely to stick to it and get yourself and the baby out of the house - and then you won’t have that ‘wasted day’ feeling at 3pm.

Also if you want to go back to work earlier than planned don’t feel bad about it. Being a SAHM isn’t for everyone and there’s no shame in that.

Best thing i did was go out when i wanted and it made me feel more free not doing a sleep schedule.

Do you think you might have PND?
Admittedly, the new born stage is very very hard and it is still all so new to you. You are learning how to be a mum and do what she does.
But, PND is quite common after struggles to conceive, I think.
Be kind to your DS's Mum. (You!)
You only have to be good enough....perfect is boring. And virtually impossible.
It will get better.

It sounds like you're doing really well tbh. It is just bloody hard. But it'll go by and things will get better, sooner than you believe.

Does your DH do his bit at the weekends?

It gets easier just hold on!

I felt very much the same between 4-10 months, it was soooo draining and hard.

Then almost overnight he started sleeping really well, he’s in bed for 7 so the whole evening is mine. Either a bath and some nice dinner and tv or gym / catch up with friends if partner is home etc.

It’s really really hard at this stage, once they start
Toddling around, playing by themselves a little bit, able to feed themselves somewhat you get a bit of freedom back from that rigid early stage.
Another 6 months will feel like a lifetime away but it’s not, by the summer you will feel a bit more in control I promise!

I think you’re perhaps finding it hard because you didn’t expect it to be like this.

What I mean is, I didn’t want children and now I have 3 under 3 and I found it easier than I expected.

Hope that makes sense and things get better for you.

Mine are 2 and 4. I think you might be a quarter of the way to getting back what you want but things will get easier gradually during that time, not overnight in one fell swoop. We do all the things you have mentioned now. My two love a lie-in!

I realised only just a few weeks ago that I had been living life primarily as the mother of a baby/ toddler for the last four years and now the older one is two and can talk, take himself to the loo, only really wants a feed if he accidentally bumps into a stray boob or is ill and wants to do absolutely everything himself, I can be me sometimes too and do what I enjoy rather than what I need just to keep going.

Keep going. It's a relatively short spell in your life where things are really hard work but also so many brief but lovely moments too. Don't let those pass you by.

@Biscuitsandteaplease - Out of interest, what is your current routine?

My LO is almost 5 months and I felt similar to you until I got him into a routine that worked for both of us. It sounds like although you have him sleeping through the night, your routine still doesn't work for you?

My children are 6 years old and 2.5 years old and I completely understanding!!

I love them both very, very much but i do fantasise how different life would be if I was child-free instead.

You're right there in the horrors, OP. But it does get easier, honestly. Hang in there.

With my first I spent the first 6 months of her life thinking "what have I done?" despite loving her fiercely and despite her being planned and very much wanted. I think it gets a bit easier once they're weaned as you don't have to cart as much crap everywhere with you, they start to seem more like a little person than just a screaming bundle of neediness. They interact more so to it's not all one way. Then for me, it got loads easier from about 3yo and I felt like I was getting my life back. I'm now back in the horrors with baby no 2. He's 16 mo and not properly talking yet but his cognition is way ahead of his communication so he's getting frustrated, which leads to some epic tantrums. He's also teething so he's gone from sleeping through the night to waking every hour. Even if I had the time to socialise or do anything for me, after work I'm too exhausted. Again, I find myself asking "what have I done?" But the difference is that this time I know it will pass because I've been here before. It's still bloody hard though!

It's such a shame you feel like that but most of us think back fondly to the days when we didn't have a child to consider and had more freedom, it's perfectly natural.

I used to nap when mine napped and often had a lie in in the morning, would have him in bed with me after first feed and we'd snuggle up and sleep. Not getting out of the house until later would never have worried me - not getting out at all wouldn't. We didn't have baby groups all those years ago (which I think I'd have hated anyway). Play group started aged two I think, a couple of mornings a week.

I did go back to work part time, two days a week at first, so had adult company there and we got out early on those days but I liked my days off so we could please ourselves about getting up and dressed, etc. Mind you I am a very laid back sort of person, never worried about routines.

We're all different but I think sometimes we make things harder for ourselves trying to stick to too many rules.

Things will get better for you soon.

I’m the only person I know who has a baby and I worked long hours full time for my business right up to birth so missed out on post natal groups. I find it pretty hard, although I did expect to as she was a bit of a surprise addition and babies were not something I had planned. It’s starting to get easier now she’s 1, she plays in her pen happily and is more interactive and fun. and I did join a baby group twice a week that is rhyme, sign and dance time, so you don’t HAVE to talk to anyone if you don’t want to, you just get on with the class. I’d recommend something like that if you’re introverted, I found it much easier than your traditional mum and baby group.

I can see the light, and try not to wish her life away but I am looking forward to her being a little older.

Also, the class knackered her! She had her longest naps afterwards!

Oh god I hear and feel this. I often dwell on past life, but that's more because my mental health has been irrevocably damaged by having a child (not my DS fault at all, my own) and I wistfully think about the day when I wasn't worrying about 400 things at once on my own and had a reasonably solid and stable life.

However - I love my son so unbelievably and I know if I hadn't had him I'd always have felt the grass was greener. He's 3.5 at the moment and life is difficult, I'm a single parent with a severe mental health condition, but I have to believe things will improve. I already see little glimpses of it now he's more independent and talkative and I know I'm a good parent.

The baby stage, and indeed the very young toddler stage is particularly wearing definitely with your first. But it does pass quickly. I often now find myself looking back fondly even though at the time I felt I was in the deepest darkest moments of my life. You do start to get a bit of your life back eventually.

Podcasts and t.v. on my phone with earphones when cooking or feeding or going for walks saved me.

Op you’re not alone as pps have said. My dd is 5 and sometimes things still just feel so relentless. Different problems to the baby stage but still tough and recently dh and I have really had to work on our marriage/relationship as we didn’t have any time to ourselves for ages and we were just in a bad rut. Please make sure you make the time you can for yourself and for your dp. A little goes a long way.

You're not doing anything wrong - it's ok to find it hard! It's a massive life change. It took me ten months and then I started to think "I've got this!". I'm obviously not trying to say I'm some kind of hero or expert now but that's the age when I started to enjoy it more and get used to things! Everyone is different though. Hang in there. Have you read the unmumsy mum? Might make you feel less alone in your way of thinking

Listening to Podcasts or radio when going fir walks i mean. That way you get out of the house but dont have to engage with anyone (Or pay to!)

Oh he is only 6 months! Give it time. My DD was past two before I could even consider another.

I really struggled when DS was 6 mths. He was a terrible, terrible sleeper to the extent that I had shingles as my body became so weak. He is 21mo now and full of energy and always wants to play. It tough sometimes but in a different way - but I suppose every age brings different challenges!

Hang in there it gets better :) (Or else I wouldn't be pregnant again!)

I second trying to make time for your marriage, relationships can really take a kicking if you don’t address the lack of time you get together. I started to feel ours was suffering even though he was so supportive, I missed how we used to be when we weren’t so bloody exhausted. It’s got better in the last few months.

We love our babies but they are very hard work and much of it is tedious beyond belief. Make some mum friends is my advice. It alleviates the boredom and the anxiety and could turn into a great support network. NCT groups are often friendly.

My oldest is 6 and youngest is 4 and I still miss my life before them. I was in a relationship but I didn't see him loads so had lots of free time in between work to do what i wanted, go to the cinema, pub, work overtime if I wanted. Then I met my now husband and we got engaged and I got pregnant, by the time we'd been together a year we were married and a week later our son was born so I feel like we didn't have much time together before becoming parents.
I love my boys so much but I miss my life before too!

I coped by going back to work.

I'm not a baby/toddler person at all. It got easier when they were about 5.

Mine are 18+ now and Its bloody wonderful!