AIBU to miss my child-free life so much?

[Biscuitsandteaplease]

I love my DS but I do not like my life as a parent. He was very much wanted after a long struggle TTC which consumed my entire life.

I am struggling as a slave to nap times, feed times, various illnesses/constipation, meltdowns, developmental leaps, broken sleep, never being able to get out the house before 3 in the afternoon when the sun is already going down.. I could go on

I miss long lie-ins, spontaneous road trips, meals out, binge watching box sets until 3am, time with my DH and feeling like it hasn't been 6 weeks since I last sat and spoke to him. Eugh.

Happy parents - how does your life look? Where am I going wrong?

Can I ask a genuine question? I’m not making a judgement or anything, I just want to know - what did you think having a baby would be like?

Also you need to find mum friends.

Churches nearly always run v cheap baby & toddler groups that are open to all & are not religious in character.

NCT groups often have meet ups in local cafes or members homes (again free or cheap)

Have you got an antenatal group? Mine were great in the shit phase from 4-8months.

Even the tiniest local libraries often have music sessions etc for babies.

Try the Hoop app for local activities to help you get out more.

Thinking you know what something will be like and experiencing it are two very different things. It's an entirely new way of life and you can't honestly know how you'll find it until you're living it, no matter how much you think you're prepared.

I know what you mean btw. I was exactly the same, worrying about everything. I was very anxious about being in control of everything, desperate to establish a predictable routine so I could make plans, afraid of doing anything that might trigger a meltdown, especially in public, or disrupt his nap schedule, and a bit intimidated by baby groups.

Over time, you will adjust to your new normal and feel more comfortable in your ability to handle whatever happens. Things will also begin to settle down on their own. In the meantime, you can make gradual adjustments to the baby’s routine until it suits you better.

As PP said, you do need to get out more, even if you’re shy. The good thing about baby groups is that there is always something to talk about - the babies! It will help you just to speak to another adult who knows what you’re going through!

@HarryHarry I wish I could remember what attracted me to having a baby the most now because I think it would help. I knew I'd struggle to conceive due to medical issues and so much emphasis was placed on that that I hadn't really thought about what life would actually be like - I thought that because i wanted a baby so badly that the negative things I'd hear or read couldn't possibly apply to me

I suppose I'd only imagined the good things, baby happily fitting in with me who was enjoying the mum life I'd dreamed of, lots of engaging play with baby, long days out with friends etc - all picture perfect TV stuff I guess and isn't my reality right now sadly.
All I knew is that I wanted a baby and didn't want to miss my chance and everything else would just work out.
I just don't have that relief and
Gratefulness I expected to feel and once I was pregnant I spent many a night completely riddled with anxiety about how my easy and very pleasant life with DH was about to implode/things happening to the baby

Could you and DH have a night out, even if just a few hours to get a break and have some time for just the two of you again?

Frill yes this is definitely something we need to make time for and will be speaking to PIL about babysitting for us seeing as they are now retired and have expressed willing to do so
I'm hoping it would make a difference to get a bit of time just for us

I think it really does make the world of difference. I find I get desperate for some time just me and DH and then it comes round to it and I don't want to leave my little one but it always makes me feel rejuvenated and human again just to have a few hours off from the constant responsibility that is parenthood! It breaks up the monotony which is easy to get into when you're following a strict routine x

I was on the same schedule as you for my DC.
If I may suggest something:

• first nap (9h30 to 10h) in the car or in the pram on your way to a baby class (or swimming or coffee shop or friends...)
• lunch time nap at home so you can rest too.
• you should go out in coffee place, restaurant etc with the baby. It's great. The baby sits there looking at people, you have a nice coffee. Plus there's always a few people who will come and chat yo you about the baby. Why do you think they would judge you? I guaranty they wont as it seems to me you are doing a great job.

And you should organise a night out. Even of it's just a couple of hours in the evening, just you and your husband. It will make a big difference.

Hang in there, you're doing great.

OP six months is famously a really tough period in my experience. It’s been long enough that the adorable newborn phase is over but you’re still nowhere near having a child who can communicate, eat real food and wipe their own bum. It IS hard; you are not crazy; and no it isn’t all meant to be fun.

Top tips: go somewhere in the morning. This can be anything you like. If you enjoy baby classes/ playgroups/ swimming do that. If you dont, go somewhere YOU want to go. even if only lasts an hour, a wander through the woods/ round a gallery/ shop / whatever your bag is will do you good, and there’s plenty for baby to look at.

Meet people - friends from before baby, new friends, antenatal group pals, work colleagues, it doesn’t matter who but you need to speak to other adults.

Make sure that when your Dh is home you get some time for you by handing over duties and going out alone, having a bath, doing a hobby or whatever you like. You may have to wait for the weekend for that but you need some time to look forward to that’s just yours.

I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who posted with advice - I went to rhyme time with DS at our local library on my own this morning for the first tome and I would never have had the confidence before!
He loved it and slept wonderfully afterwards so we'll be making that a regular occurrence I think

Just reading through advice here shrunk my fears and every day is easier - so really, thank you
Mumsnet is brilliant isn't it really

YANBU

I found it tough, the few months after when the visitors stop and its just you and you don't know what to do/how to be a mum.I admit that I don't like the baby phase and it is boring. I forced myself to go to groups, like you, I normally wouldn't have but honestly it was the best thing I ever did. Go and see your GP or HV and explain. Look for more groups to go to. Congrats for getting out there this morning though xx

I have a 4 yo and 6 month old so having a routine is pointless for me as have school run and different timed clubs for DD all week so every day is different. I'd honestly just ditch the routine for a day or so a week. If it all goes to pot you can easily reinstate it.

Around 6 months felt like a tough time! I'd agree with others about getting out in the morning - I used to have everything ready for as soon as DS woke up after his first nap so we could leave straight away. Meeting up with friends, going for a walk or just going to the shop made me feel loads better. I started doing an exercise class one night a week at about 5 months and it made me feel much better - it's probably the most consistent exercise I've done in my life because it's my evening off!

I just want to echo what everyone else has said. You aren’t doing anything wrong it’s just bloody hard. I was lucky that I had plenty of other mum friends around but even then I found it relentless. Also my daughter never really enjoyed any of the baby groups & never napped when other babies her age were napping. As a result even though I had lots of other mums to talk to I found it hard not to compare myself & wonder where I was going wrong.
Having a child is such a huge shift that no one can prepare you for. Also people don’t really talk honestly about that feeling of loss because it’s such a taboo. I also miss my life before. It always strikes me as odd that your life can be so consumed with wanting a child & then once you have one you want to go back to how things were before! I suppose the drive to have a child is not always rational. Like everyone has said it really does get easier though. I never enjoyed the baby stage but I really enjoy it now my daughter is a toddler. Freedom comes back in dribs & drabs.

It doesn't last forever , everything is a phase. My daughter is 10 now and we can do so much more together and also myself on my own. You just have to enjoy it as much as possible and remember it's not forever.

Me too and I'm 12 years down the line

That’s great to read @Biscuitsandteaplease glad you had a good day and made a big step