Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner getting married

98 replies

JMKid · 27/01/2020 16:55

Myself and ex do not get on at all. We share a son together, he has contact every other weekend. He is due to get married this year, but not actually told me. Would you expect to be told he is getting married and when it's due to take place?

OP posts:
FabbyChix · 27/01/2020 16:56

None of your business is it

aprilanne · 27/01/2020 16:57

Probably not you don't get on its actually non of your business .as long as wife is nice to your son then no

saj90 · 27/01/2020 16:57

It's nothing to do with you I'm afraid. How old is your son? It's really up to his Dad to tell him.

LemonBreeland · 27/01/2020 16:58

Agree, not your business. Unless he wishes for extra contact for your son due to it.

Espoleta · 27/01/2020 16:59

If you were on good terms yes but as you’re not no.

Tombliwho · 27/01/2020 16:59

If you dont get along is he worried you're going to try to put a spanner in the works with his son attending? If it's at a time he would normally have his son it doesn't impact you at all so he probably doesn't feel the need to tell you.

Alarae · 27/01/2020 16:59

A) You don't get on.
B) You don't need to tell each other anything unless it's to do with your son.

So... No. It makes no difference if he is getting married. New partner he was introducing his son to? Potentially, but even then its his choice who he introduces to his son and at what time.

It's a bit strange that you feel like you should know?

scotsllb · 27/01/2020 16:59

If you got on with each other then I think it would be polite to be told but as you don't it's nothing to do with you and you've no need to be informed.
I get that stings a bit if things are fraught and you are still trying to move on yourself etc but healthier all round if you try and not think about them

Purpleartichoke · 27/01/2020 17:00

He should tell you because there may be emotional ramifications for your shared child.

Frankola · 27/01/2020 17:00

1 - its non of your business
2 - you dont get on. He has no motivation to tell you

Why do you believe you should be told?

Nicknacky · 27/01/2020 17:00

I imagine if he is sensible that he has arranged it on the weekend that he has your son, so no I wouldn’t expect to be told in your shoes.

Might be nice to know, but not when you don’t get on.

Nicknacky · 27/01/2020 17:01

I said “your son” but obviously it’s both your son!

Lamentations · 27/01/2020 17:01

How old is your son? If he's 12 and his father has discussed it with him then no. If your son is 6 and his dad is getting married I'd probably think it's reasonable to be told so that you can help prepare him for the changes that come with it. If DS is to be involved in the wedding then you probably also could do with knowing when it will be. I suppose it can be argued that it isn't your business but you have a child together and therefore a legitimate interest in one another's lives as far as it affects your child.

Ennith · 27/01/2020 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GinNotGym19 · 27/01/2020 17:03

i think he should tell you the date, he’s going to want his son there so you do need to know when it is.

AlaskaElfForGin · 27/01/2020 17:05

I agree that you don't really need to know when he's getting married, you're not friends.

However, I do understand the need to know a bit about who is going to be your son's step mother. When DH and I got together almost 20 years ago, his ex (they get on now but not at the time) asked to meet me for a chat. Her problem was with my DH, not me. We met up and talked about DSS and I assured her that I would do my absolute best to maintain a good relationship with him and that I wasn't in any way trying to be his mum. Worked for us. DSS is 25 now and left home so there's not much need for contact between DH's ex and I but we stay in touch because we're friends now.

GinDaddy · 27/01/2020 17:07

I think you'll get a slew of "YABUs" from people who seem more anxious to stick the boot into you a bit than anything else.

Actually I think YANBU.

I think responsible sensible parenting means you share major bits of news, especially of the kind you would expect to be shared with your son at least.

If I had an ex wife and we shared parenting, I would expect to be informed of things which we would both consider as "major life events".

Otherwise what happens when, inevitably at some point, there is a need for such information to be shared, and then someone casually says "oh yeah we got married X years ago?"

It's needlessly passive-aggressive.

GinDaddy · 27/01/2020 17:08

@Purpleartichoke

Exactly!

Whether the child is 5 or 15, it's going to be a major moment emotionally.

I don't believe in this whole shared-DCs-should-keep-secrets nonsense. It's all part of people who wrongly use children in power plays and passive aggressive bullshit.

QueenofallIsee · 27/01/2020 17:09

I don’t think it’s strictly any of your business but when DH proposed, I gave the kids Dad a heads up. That was only because he is a good bloke and I trusted him to tell me if the kids had a wobble and didn’t let on to me - whilst they seemed happy, I knew it was possible that they would have a few moments of emotion and I know their dad would support them and me. They didn’t actually, they embraced it whole heartedly.

NorthernSpirit · 27/01/2020 17:11

No, he doesn’t need to inform you.

He’s your ex
You don’t get on

Why do you expect to be informed? Are you still emotionally attached to him? Let him get on with it.

Original poster
JMKid · 27/01/2020 17:12

Wow, I'm very surprised but not my business responses. My son is 5 so is affected by it and surely wouldn't expect my son to be telling me!! Whilst we dont get along, out of respect I would tell him.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 27/01/2020 17:14

Respect to what?

Why would you need to know?

Original poster
JMKid · 27/01/2020 17:15

Definitely not emotionally attached, been over for a few years and it was me that ended it.

OP posts:
GoodnightJude1 · 27/01/2020 17:15

I disagree with a lot of pp.
I’m civil with my ex, we don’t really talk apart from if it’s to do with the DC.
If he was getting married I’d expect him to have the decency to tell me though because although it doesn’t directly affect me....it would affect our DC. I wouldn’t expect to know any details but I would want to know that my children were going to have a step mother.

greenlavender · 27/01/2020 17:15

Of course it's the OP's business. It affects their son!