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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex partner getting married

98 replies

JMKid · 27/01/2020 16:55

Myself and ex do not get on at all. We share a son together, he has contact every other weekend. He is due to get married this year, but not actually told me. Would you expect to be told he is getting married and when it's due to take place?

OP posts:

Original poster

JMKid · 27/01/2020 19:15

Thanks for all the comments. Will wait and see if told, accept what everyone says.

OP posts:

Drabarni · 27/01/2020 19:24

Of course it's your business and you should be told for the sake of the child you share together.
It's awful how the children are the ones to be sidelined when parents divorce, so sad.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2020 19:30

It's awful how the children are the ones to be sidelined when parents divorce, so sad.

Thankfully, we don’t know the child is being sidelined, OP is his ex, she’s being sidelined, maybe. We don’t know that either.

He’s not going to be less of a father because he’s a husband again.

Honeyroar · 27/01/2020 19:31

He might still tell you. He doesn’t have to give you the info months ahead, just a month or two ahead is fine. We gave a years notice because my stepson was part of the wedding. His mother tried to stop him coming.

And yes the child is going to have a stepmother, but it’s surely someone he already knows! It’s not like a new introduction. So I’d say it’s not life or death whether you know or not. It really depends on how “funny” you’ve been with each other, or what “stunts” you’ve pulled in the past, in his opinion.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2020 19:35

Did you want to marry him? If so I can see why that might be part of the problem.

ivykaty44 · 27/01/2020 19:38

When is the wedding?
Could your ex be going to tell his son first and then you later?

Or is the wedding in February?

Runnerduck34 · 27/01/2020 23:16

As youve got a son together then I'd say yes he should tell you because it will be important to your child.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/01/2020 00:34

Yanbu. This change will affect your DC.
If the scenario was reversed you'd get pp's saying he has his right to know you're getting married.

Nomorechips · 28/01/2020 00:37

Only for making arrangements if your dc was going to attend otherwise I can't see why you'd need to know. Doesn't affect you. Sorry.

Tillygetsit · 28/01/2020 00:41

My ex didn't tell me and I couldn't have cared less. He also didn't tell his children and that did hurt.

doritosdip · 28/01/2020 00:46

Only if it affects you eg you need to pick him up from a different location, it's overseas, it's on "your" time etc

If I didn't get along with my ex I wouldn't expect to be told but I'd not expect to have to do anything different to accommodate his wedding and honeymoon too.

tomatoesandstew · 28/01/2020 01:23

As you don't get on it is a bit difficult but i would say it's a symptom of his behaviour and/or your relationship. Though i have to say it seems a male behaviour more than a female behaviour to be excessively secretive (when abuse isn't a factor).

Ideally two people who coparent would be able to have a polite neutral relationship like with a distant cousin if it was over a few years ago.

We don't know his motivations, it could be completely indifferent, he could be conflict avoidant or he could be doing it to start some kind of scene later on.

For the sake of your five year old you have to sit above it. If you want to make things smooth for the sake of your son you could send him a message wishing him well but wouldn't expect anything more mature to come from him sadly.

PatsyJStone · 28/01/2020 05:52

Sounds like son probably knows step mother to be already, so chances are they are living together. If this is the case then is it such a big deal for the child? It’s a one day event presumably?

When the time is right am sure dad will tell child. Why do people always think these things will have such a a negative effect? Child may be excited and happy for the big day! Unless of course you want to plant some negative seeds in his mind?

As for the ‘right to know’, my step son got into his dads car aged three clearly primed from mum to say ‘mummy’s got a baby in her belly’, that’s how we found out he was getting a sibling. Step son survived the new sibling from the new partner. He also survived the wedding that we didn’t know about a few years later, to the dad of said sibling.

Of course half the mums on here will prob feel completely differently (double standards anyone?) about their rights to get pregnant, married etc and not inform ex husband...

it’s really not such a big deal. If he is usually a good, caring parent then let him be and stop trying to decide how he should live his life with ‘your’ child. You split up because you were different, accept this and he will live his life his way, your ‘shared’ child will be fine. I’m sure he won’t be trying to tell you how to live.

Your Marriage to him is over, you can’t carry on controlling him anymore, even using your child as a reason wont work. Maybe you are jealous he is moving on. Be happy that your son will have a stable life with his settled dad. Or would you prefer a stream of women?

Urkiddingright · 28/01/2020 05:55

I think it would be nice to tell you so you can talk to your DS about it and I’m assuming he will be involved in the wedding in some way too?

Original poster

JMKid · 28/01/2020 07:15

Loving all the assumptions here, most definitely not trying to control him, no jealousy what's so ever. As I said I ended the relationship, I dont care he is in a relationship. This is not his first one since we have broken up. They do not live together already. Anyway, thanks for all the comments.

OP posts:

Damntheman · 28/01/2020 08:35

I originally voted that you were unreasonable when, for some reason, I thought your son was a teenager. But given he's only five then I actually do think you should have been informed so you could provide support for your 5 year old on your end as well. You know, just that it was happening and when so you could talk your child through and how it's all okay and nothing will change for him with his dad or you.

ButtonandPickle19 · 28/01/2020 08:44

I think it would be nice to know but not needed.
He should tell you before the day but it’s not like it’s a relationship he’s hidden from you if you know they live together etc. It shouldn’t change much if that’s where they are with their relationship anyway (no new woman moving in etc)

My ex and I talk daily about DD and we all get on so it would be very weird (he called me when he first met his DP as he was so excited and she’s wonderful) but DH and his ex don’t talk much and she introduces people to their DC without telling him etc which he finds uncomfortable. But as long as you know about her I think he doesn’t need to say

BoxedWine · 28/01/2020 09:08

You have a shared child so it's good parenting to inform the co parent of anything that is likely to be significant for the child. So if it's going to be a big deal then yes the other parent should be told, if it's more of a quick registry office for the legalities and being treated like a slightly more faffy visit to the solicitors, not so much.

QueenArseClangers · 28/01/2020 09:12

We told our exes (both had a young child each). DH’s ex actually nipped round to our house (GP babysitting as we nipped abroad to get wed) and hung up a congratulations banner .

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 28/01/2020 09:14

I disagree with PPs too. You will need to support your child and telling you would be helpful. No obligation but it would make sense to tell you.

Also, he does really need to tell you when if he expects you to work contact weekends around it! Will be his loss if he hasn’t told you and you’ve made other plans with dc that weekend!

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 28/01/2020 09:16

OP - it’s amazing how people think you are still attached when you ended the relationship!

I think some exs rush to find a new partner when you did the ending just to make themselves look desirable and to make it look like you are the one who would want them back etc.

Cheeserton · 28/01/2020 09:17

Against the tide, I don't agree it's none of OP's business that her son will be gaining a step mother. It's not her place to have anything to do with it or involve herself in any way, but to be aware - definitely only reasonable. It's potentially a big life event for her son.

HillAreas · 28/01/2020 09:56

Can’t believe the bashing you’re getting OP.
Not once have you said anything negative about what’s happening, just that you should probably be kept informed.
My DSD is a bit prone to turning things over in her head for days then suddenly bringing stuff up randomly that everyone else thought was insignificant or just done with. I’d hate to think of her suddenly asking her mum “how did the baby get in Hills belly” or “what does it mean that daddy’s getting married” and her mum not having known what was going on.
Keeping her informed has meant she was able to get excited with DSD and DSD is happily able to tell her all about what’s going on her in her life with her Dad because her mum was prepared (and any weirdness or upset she felt about it she dealt with without DSD being there to see).
This is not a bad thing. This is not about control. This is not about rubbing anyone’s nose in anything. This is about a child being able to have one life and not two separate ones. And a mother being able to support that along with the child’s father.
FFS

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