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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner getting married

98 replies

JMKid · 27/01/2020 16:55

Myself and ex do not get on at all. We share a son together, he has contact every other weekend. He is due to get married this year, but not actually told me. Would you expect to be told he is getting married and when it's due to take place?

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 27/01/2020 17:16

No definitely not.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 27/01/2020 17:27

Of course it's your business, it could have a major effect on your child, who both of you made together, and you may have to deal with repercussions if your child is upset or badly affected emotionally by the news.

PaleBlueMoonlight · 27/01/2020 17:32

Of course he should tell you.

Selmababies · 27/01/2020 17:32

Maybe your ex hasn't told your son yet? Hence, there'd be no reason to inform you yet?

Standrewsschool · 27/01/2020 17:32

I think I would be expected to be that he is going to get married, as his future wife will be dc’s step mother. Probably also the date if ex wants dc to be there, although other details probably aren’t so relevant.

TheReef · 27/01/2020 17:34

Nope I wouldn’t expect to get told. It’s your ex’s responsibility to discuss with your dc. You can have further conversations with him, but it’s actually none of your business

dannydyerismydad · 27/01/2020 17:38

I think he should tell you. Not for your sake, but your child's.

It ended up being my job to tell my mother my father had got remarried. I wasn't a small child at the time but it wasn't great having to break the news and support my mother emotionally.

Upstartcrones · 27/01/2020 17:41

I think he should have told you. It is your business in the sense that it effects your son, therefore you need to able to support him emotionally through this big change in his life.

Doesn't matter if you don't get on he should be adult enough to let you know big things that will impact your mutual son.

I think people are saying it isn't your business because you are being cast in the role of the busybody ex.

MaryShelley1818 · 27/01/2020 17:42

I don't think YABU OP. This will have emotional ramifications to your small child and believe it would have just been "the right thing to do". At 5-yr old the responsibility should not be put on a child to either tell you the news or keep it from you.
I work in Children's Services and am saddened by the increasing attitude of people to do or not do whatever they like with no thoughts on how this effects their children. It's very sad.
To say it's "none of your business" is really odd. Obviously assuming you're not crazy are planning on stopping the wedding Grin

WellHolyGodMiley · 27/01/2020 17:42

I dont get on with my x but i think it is common courtesy especially if your child is less than 16

84claire84 · 27/01/2020 17:43

None of your business.

I wouldn't expect my ex to tell me and likewise I wouldn't be telling him.

YeahLikeNoThough · 27/01/2020 17:43

Does a marriage really affect a child, though? Especially a young one?

I would have thought that introducing a child to a new partner or moving in together (= now "by default" also there when the parent is) would be much more significant, really. Operating under the assumption that we're not talking about a deeply conservative religious setting and that most people actually live together

There's inheritance, of course. But then, who gets the money if daddy dies is hardly a child friendly topic to begin with.

I'd like to be told (but would not assume I'm entitled to be) if someone else was becoming a part of my DC's life. But I really don't think marriage, in particular, matters.

WellHolyGodMiley · 27/01/2020 17:44

Yes, putting the boot in with "none of your business" posts very emotionally immature.

I really do not get on with my x but in another strange way he is family 🙄🤔🤣

Honestly people are like robots on mumsnet sometimes

CandyDandyLiquorQuicker · 27/01/2020 17:46

Your 5 year old is gaining a ‘stepmother.’ Of course you should know!

Catapillarsruletheworld · 27/01/2020 17:47

I would say he should let you know the plans as you share a son and he will no doubt be a part of the wedding. He doesn’t have to seek your approval or anything, just let you know it’s happening.

It’s a bit strange he hasn’t to be honest.

Upstartcrones · 27/01/2020 17:47

MaryShelley1818 totally agree. Its sad when you see adults putting their own 'rights (I don't have to tell you, its none of your business) before their responsibilities towards the emotional wellbeing of the child.

Leaving a child to deliver adult news is just wrong and inappropriate imho.

VenusTiger · 27/01/2020 17:48

Totally agree with @GinDaddy - she's not asking for permission, it would just show a mature and civil parenting partnership for him to let OP know.

Original poster
JMKid · 27/01/2020 17:48

I dont care about the ins and outs of the wedding, that's certainly none of my business but expecting son to come home one day and telling me doesn't seem right. Just think its common decency. If we didnt have a son, then of course certainly not my business.

OP posts:
FourDecades · 27/01/2020 17:49

My DC are 16 and 12yrs and l would want to be told as l know they would be upset by it. Not because they dislike XH DP, but because it's a huge event and change in their lives.

AmelieTaylor · 27/01/2020 17:53

This is a major event in your CHILD’s Life.

Of course he should have told you so that you could support you Son. Obviously it might not phase him at all, on the other hand it might hugely upset or worry him.

Upstartcrones · 27/01/2020 17:53

Does a marriage really affect a child, though?

From a child's perspective it does have a significant impact. Its the end of any possibility of their parents getting back together and the formal beginning of a new family unit.

I remember going to my dad's wedding when i was young, it was a big deal! I just wanted to cry because I felt so sad. I was glad my dad was happy but sad as well. I think a lot of adults really don't get this and expect kids to be happy and excited. They may well be but it will be bundled up with a whole raft of confusing emotions.

FabbyChix · 27/01/2020 18:04

Assuming he lives with his partner how is that changing just because they get married ergo why do you need to know

Fivetillmidnight · 27/01/2020 18:05

Hmm tricky one. No one can actually answer this without knowing the nature of your relationship with your child's father .

'Don't get on as in , he irritates you ? Or can't stand the ground he walks in and wouldn't piss on him if her were on fire - let alone allow him at fathers wedding ...

Unfortunately the 'bitter ex' is a real thing . When DH and I got married, we had to cancel our first date ON THE DAY ! (5k cost plus 40 guests already on their way. ) because all 4 of his children were suddenly'unwell' despite eldest 2 texting is to say they were all fine. But quite rightly DH would never consider getting married without them there. (They were also bridesmaids/groomsmen) It was an indescribable nightmare.

We didn't make the same mistake a second time. Gave the ex a date 2 months in advance and married with them all there on a very lucky cancellation 4 weeks later. Didn't even tell the kids until they were safely with us!

People can and do behave really badly.
I don't think you really NEED details of when. It would be enough for your child to know that dad IS getting married at some point .

AlaskaElfForGin · 27/01/2020 18:07

Does a marriage really affect a child, though?

Yes I think it very much does. Having a stepmum is very different to hanging out with dad's girlfriend.

TriangleBingoBongo · 27/01/2020 18:15

We didn’t tell DH ex. I have lived with DH for years before the marriage and it didn’t change anything for DSS.

DPs ex got married shortly after and sent almost weekly reminders in the year leading up to it which was quite amusing and totally unnecessary Grin