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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner getting married

98 replies

JMKid · 27/01/2020 16:55

Myself and ex do not get on at all. We share a son together, he has contact every other weekend. He is due to get married this year, but not actually told me. Would you expect to be told he is getting married and when it's due to take place?

OP posts:
Anonanonanonanonanonanonanon · 27/01/2020 18:18

You are not unreasonable.

When I enrolled my son in nursery, they asked if we had recently had, or were anticipating, any big life changes that might affect him. I told them that we were about to move out of our house to a little flat for a large building project. It was none of their business, but in so far as it affected how settled my son felt, it was very helpful for them to know. Same thing if Dad gets married.

Mandarinfish · 27/01/2020 18:18

Obviously it would be nice if he shared this with you. But not worth making a big fuss about - save your battles for something else.

funinthesun19 · 27/01/2020 18:22

I think it would be wise of him to tell you so that you’ll be aware of the dates and you can both arrange contact so your son is available. What if you end up booking a holiday when his wedding is supposed to happen and you had no idea? That’s why you need to know.

All the rest is none of your business though. You just need to know the basic details such as dates and times so you can all plan ahead.

TriangleBingoBongo · 27/01/2020 18:23

I don’t understand why it would have the ramifications for a child people are suggesting?

Presumably step mum isn’t going to be introduced to their son at the alter, with DS as page boy? Assuming they already live together as a couple realistically it’s just an event that once passed will be the end to it.

When I married DH nothing changed. I was Triangle to DSS the day before and remained Triangle after. It’s only a big deal if you make it one. I’m of the belief marriage is just a legal arrangement so maybe I’m a bit detached from the whole thing.

NameChangeNugget · 27/01/2020 18:24

It’s cock all to do with you really however, personally I would have said something out of courtesy.

Anyway, it’s only a wedding, nothing changes.

2020newme · 27/01/2020 18:24

YABU

When my XH remarried, the DC came home from his one day and were saying "Mum, you won't believe this but Dad is marrying X - she must be a total mug!" We were all really pleased about it as XH was/is totally shit with money, and his new wife is loaded so the DC feel he is more financially secure. That fact has had a direct financial benefit to them, plus they get to see their dad in a happy marriage.

How did you find out XH is getting married? Did DS tell you?

silencebeforethebleeps · 27/01/2020 18:25

DH told his ex the minute we got engaged. She went on to ruin the wedding and put pressure on their DC to do the same. If things are not amicable, I can see why he hasn't told you.

Amanduh · 27/01/2020 18:26

None of your business. Anyway your son told you so whats the problem?

Juliehooligan · 27/01/2020 18:27

You should really have been told, as what is he planning on doing with your son? Is he invited, or is he going to be a part of the wedding. You might not get on, but you still share a child together.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2020 18:30

Maybe he'll tell you nearer the time?

Poppiesway1 · 27/01/2020 18:31

Exdp didn’t invite our dc to the wedding.. it was only when his best mate suddenly couldn’t go to the wedding that he asked ds2 to be his best man with a weeks notice. DS1 refuses to go. So Inorder for me to pick ds2 up, ex then had to tell me where he was getting married (as he couldn’t never quite remember the name of the place).. turned out they were getting married at the same place the ex and I had booked Hmm I doubt he told his new wife that he had been there before and planned our wedding at the same venue as it’s quite out of the way to us. Has amused me for years. (I discovered his affair before we got married thankfully - wasn’t with his new wife though)

HillAreas · 27/01/2020 18:32

We told DSDs mothers when we got engaged, pregnant, moved house, date of wedding etc on the same day we told DSD. Not because our relationship is her her business, but because her DD is her business.
So when DSD was happily wanting to share the news with everyone on the planet, her mum wasn’t the last to know. To enable her mum to field any questions or worries DSD may have had from a position of knowing what the fuck was going on.
This is basic co-parenting stuff IMO, and if it’s not happening then the whole set up needs an overhaul for your child’s sake.
YANBU, OP.

lyralalala · 27/01/2020 18:38

Who told you he was getting married?

If it was your 5yo are you sure he's right?

My ex went mental when he was told by my then 4yo that I was having another set of twins. I absolutely wasn't!

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2020 18:41

Who told you? What would you have said if it had been your ex? Are you going to send your son with your blessing or kick off about him going?

Lippy1234 · 27/01/2020 18:53

I think I would expect to be told.

Saddler · 27/01/2020 18:56

Nothing to do with you unless he needs to amend contact arrangements to attend etc

Original poster
JMKid · 27/01/2020 18:58

I was told by a member of his family. They are NC with him, they found out through another family member. My son hasnt mentioned anything.

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 27/01/2020 19:00

Well then maybe he was planning to tell you? Or did you expect to me the first to know Confused

Bluewater1 · 27/01/2020 19:01

I would have thought you would be told as it may impact upon your son's feelings

Original poster
JMKid · 27/01/2020 19:01

I certainly would not be trying to ruin their wedding, I have no communication with her and I only communicate with him via text or email due to things I say being twisted or lied or being verbally attacked.

OP posts:
Original poster
JMKid · 27/01/2020 19:03

Certainly didnt expect to be the first to be told, that's just stupid.

OP posts:
SunsetYorks · 27/01/2020 19:05

Maybe he is going to tell you, if your son doesn’t know yet?

okiedokieme · 27/01/2020 19:10

He doesn't need to inform you that he's changing his legal status (I'm presuming he already lives with his partner) unless that directly impacts your son, eg change in contact arrangements. A wedding ring it's self isn't relevant. We are still friends so it's hard to imagine not telling exh, possibly inviting him - yes we are unusual

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2020 19:12

I was told by a member of his family. They are NC with him, they found out through another family member. My son hasnt mentioned anything.

I thought it was your son who told you because you said.... Wow, I'm very surprised but not my business responses. My son is 5 so is affected by it and surely wouldn't expect my son to be telling me!!

Either way, he'll probably text you nearer the time.

Original poster
JMKid · 27/01/2020 19:15

Sorry for confusion, I meant my son telling me when he is told or day off his wedding.

OP posts: