AIBU to think kids seem to have no independence (as in outdoors) anymore?

[c0wboy]

I grew up on a rough council estate, we all knew one another, but it was (of course) full of druggies, thieves, and other petty criminals, but since we knew them, no one cared.

My friends and I went out to play alone at the age of 4 (2006), with my mum - her being most cautious) occasionally glancing out of the window. If she couldn’t see me, she’d just wait until later to see if I was back and I always was.

There must’ve been around 15-18 kids on the street, from our age to 11 or so and we always played out from when we first woke up on the weekend until everyone lost interest at 7:30 or so. In the summer we’d stay out longer and as we got older we also stayed out longer.

I remember it really fondly, things like making sledges in winter and racing in trollies and making swings out of ruined furniture. It sounds really trashy but it was incredibly enjoyable.

My street was near a giant park, a proper one with big hills and forests. From 8 or 9 we all went and played there too.

We went swimming alone from 9 (because that was the leisure centre’s rule); we went to town to do the shopping (since both my mum and my closest friends mum had babies, so they sent us off with a list and we just walked); walked across the main road to the petrol station for stickers and took the bus to neighbouring towns at around the same age.

We did all this and I think only one of us had a phone, which usually didn’t have credit because no one could afford it. Two people had parents that drove and could properly look for us if we got lost (not that they did).

Now I know there’s loads of kids on my street, including my brother and sister. The place is more quiet if anything and no one seems to play out, they don’t knock on each other’s doors and my sister wouldn’t go to the corner shop in the afternoon alone - she’s 10!

Also better areas never seem to have kids let our either, it’s like everyone’s scared of letting children out of their sight even though crime rate is only going down and you can get in contact with everybody so easily now! It’s mind-boggling to me!

AIBU?

(I’m 18, not a parent, but just interested in your wisdom. This seems to be the place that’s most in-touch about children’s lives on the internet.)

If I saw a four year old playing outside on their own, or only supervised by older children, I would be reporting the family for neglect. That’s not good parenting. I was at primary school in the 80s and it would have been neglectful then. I played out with friends from about age 8, I think. We didn’t roam far at that age, just to the nearby park and round to a friend’s house.

I think the main differences now are fewer SAHMs, so more children are in after school clubs etc, and higher traffic levels mean the roads are less safe, so parents are more cautious about letting children play out.

But their new baby will turn into a ‘kid pestering them too then they'll join their siblings on the street, while DM enjoys the next baby.
My youngest in preschool has a pal also age 4, he has 2 young siblings, he is out from 3.5 walking the estate, the older 6 year old minds him.

It sounds like neglect. Was any of your friends ever sexually abused by neighbour's or through lack of supervision.

I dont know anyone who was sexually abused in the traditional sense (ie forced) however it was completely unheard of for teenage girls to have boyfriends their own age in my area. My first boyfriend at 13 was 20 and had a car and this was very very common in my area. Its makes me sick now thinking about it, he would let me and my friends go sit in his car with his mates "cruising" in a local car park. I'd be mortified if my kids got up to stuff like that.

I think there are a lot more organised and supervised activities geared towards kids these days. When I was a kid there was brownies and cubs and that was it unless you had a lot of money.

Most kids now seem to be doing clubs/hobbies after school most weekdays. Weekends and school holidays when the weather is good there are plenty of kids playing out where I live but it’s not every available minute that they aren’t in school like it was in the 80s.

As others have said this depends on area. My 9 year old plays out the front with the other local kids and is allowed to go to the shop at the end of the road by herself.
In the summer she goes out of a morning and I only see her again when she's hungry.

A couple tried to pull an 8 year old into their van at our local park about 4 years ago. They said they had puppies in the back and the child only got away as they and their friends fought back.

My DCs' school has also gone into lockdown a couple of times over the past 5 years when there have been reports of attempted snatchings in other schools in the area.

It's sad that they don't have as much freedom as I did. I do remember playing out all summer in the fields behind my house. But I live in a much more urban area and it's not unheard of for the worst to happen.

How the fuck were you 4 in 2006 and are now writing in full sentences on a parenting forum? You must still be at first school shakes head in disbelief

I think what you describe is unusual tbh. I live on a main road in London. No children play out.

My youngest in preschool has a pal also age 4, he has 2 young siblings, he is out from 3.5 walking the estate, the older 6 year old minds him.

I know this happens but it makes me feel so sad. They should be at home. It’s neglect.

You are the same age as my daughter - mine weren't playing out on their own at 4, I think it was probably about 8 or 9

Kids don't seem to just go out on the off chance and knock doors the way we used to, but then my kids your age don't either - they either plan it or will message each other first. The only completely random knocking ever seems to be when they live within a few doors of each other (and at one point my daughters friend used to live next door and they'd still ring each other on the phone so not always then)

2006 was 14 years ago so the OP would be 18 now.

On our road it would simply be too dangerous. The pavements are narrow and the cars come out of nowhere. There just isn't the space for it and if there was there'd be accidents most days, I'm sure. However kids do go to the park or whatever from about eight years old and plenty of kids are trusted to go to the shops at that age too. The town itself is safe, but it's just not safe to play on the actual roads iyswim.

When I grew up (in the nineties) it was normal and safe to play out and I did from about six. But our road was much wider, had no through traffic (residents only) and the visibility was much better as well. If I was raising my kids on the street I grew up in I'd let them out to play, but I can't afford to live somewhere with that kind of space unfortunately!

LuckyCharm9 you must be young as well!

I grew up i a naice area in the 80s and we all played out on the street. We had big gardens but they were for grownups to grow things in and relax in, not for kids
But back then there was only the odd car parked along the road. Most families only had one car, and those that had two stacked them on their drives. Now every house has two cars parked on the road because the drives are too narrow for modern cars. It makes it very different.

This is why schools ‘invented’ forest school.

They play with junk, climb trees and build crap.

Another parenting task.

I’d ring SS if a four year old was left outside alone.

I’m glad things have changed as I hated being outside when little just so parents didn’t have to have children in the house.

Mine always had the choice when young, they could stay in or go out and I would supervise them in the garden, park etc. They never played on the streets as I don’t think it’s fair to subject others to children playing as when in a group it can be quite noisy.

Not much scope for playing out in the street where we are as there aren’t that many dc of the same age.

However, my dc have been going to and from school by themselves since yr6. DS2 catches two buses to his sports club on Sat then goes to the shops with his friends and he is 12.

We live in London.

Mine play out. When the teens first starting playing out the other families in the street thought I was mad, but we live in a nice cul-de-sac with lots of grassy areas, triple wide pavements and the location of a speed camera at the end of the road means people don't speed into the road. I wanted my kids to have the freedom to play out so they did.

Slowly, but surely other kids started coming out to play with them. Within a year or so all the kids played out and the street is buzzing with kids.

Mine don't quite have the freedom I did because their boundaries are limited by two extremely busy roads, but other than that they have similar levels of freedom.

My parents didn’t let me out, I had a friend who had less cautious parents. I’ve also seen a lot of children allowed out in the U.K. it seems to be more of a class thing than a generational thing in the time frame you describe. I don’t think anyone on either side of the family has been allowed to play on the street since the 1960s.

@Crockof how time flies!

Or flys rather. Odd autocorrect there

I played out with friends in the neighbourhood from around 9 or 10. I now have 2 kids of my own & maybe at that age I will consider it too, depending on their maturity.

But I’m sorry, letting 3,4,5,6 year olds play out alone is just so irresponsible. Anything could happen, why would you risk it? I mean in an ideal world it would be lovely, but it’s not an ideal world & you don’t put your kids in a situation where they’re vulnerable.

Yadnbu. I grew up in a relatively rich area (compared to yours) but Im in my 40s and it was the same. Out all day, playing in the street, or in the meadows, making dens and getting into trouble. If we had fights we sorted it out, we got scrapped knees and black eyes falling off our bikes. It was so much fun. We went swimming in the pool (from 10) or in the river (from about 12), I had my first job at 11. We to the park on our own from about 8. I try and let my kids have some of those freedoms but very few kids are allowed out apart from the very neglected ones who are smoking weed and breaking into houses (not such a posh area now!)

In my home country we walked to school in the snow by our selves from the age of about 5

I was born in the 80's and a teenager in the 90's. I grew up in a small village in a rural area and was given a lot of freedom to run about the moors and fields or ride my bike from village to village etc. I often wonder that nothing really bad happened to me because I really was an idiot! I met up with strange guys I'd met on internet chat rooms, I got drunk and went swimming in reservoirs, I took drugs and smoked and really took a lot of stupid risks, I was VERY easily led.

Both of my children are currently in the process of being assessed for ASD, my daughter is exactly like me and so I can see her taking the same stupid risks and getting into the same dangerous situations. As for my son, I can't take my eyes off him for a second. There are other children of similar ages who play out on the street in front of our row of houses but I only let mine out if I or another adult is watching. If nothing else there is much more traffic through the village now, some idiot in an Audi actually drove into my partner the other day as we walked the children to school and last year a drunk driver ended up on her roof just around the corner from us.