AIBU to think kids seem to have no independence (as in outdoors) anymore?

[c0wboy]

I grew up on a rough council estate, we all knew one another, but it was (of course) full of druggies, thieves, and other petty criminals, but since we knew them, no one cared.

My friends and I went out to play alone at the age of 4 (2006), with my mum - her being most cautious) occasionally glancing out of the window. If she couldn’t see me, she’d just wait until later to see if I was back and I always was.

There must’ve been around 15-18 kids on the street, from our age to 11 or so and we always played out from when we first woke up on the weekend until everyone lost interest at 7:30 or so. In the summer we’d stay out longer and as we got older we also stayed out longer.

I remember it really fondly, things like making sledges in winter and racing in trollies and making swings out of ruined furniture. It sounds really trashy but it was incredibly enjoyable.

My street was near a giant park, a proper one with big hills and forests. From 8 or 9 we all went and played there too.

We went swimming alone from 9 (because that was the leisure centre’s rule); we went to town to do the shopping (since both my mum and my closest friends mum had babies, so they sent us off with a list and we just walked); walked across the main road to the petrol station for stickers and took the bus to neighbouring towns at around the same age.

We did all this and I think only one of us had a phone, which usually didn’t have credit because no one could afford it. Two people had parents that drove and could properly look for us if we got lost (not that they did).

Now I know there’s loads of kids on my street, including my brother and sister. The place is more quiet if anything and no one seems to play out, they don’t knock on each other’s doors and my sister wouldn’t go to the corner shop in the afternoon alone - she’s 10!

Also better areas never seem to have kids let our either, it’s like everyone’s scared of letting children out of their sight even though crime rate is only going down and you can get in contact with everybody so easily now! It’s mind-boggling to me!

AIBU?

(I’m 18, not a parent, but just interested in your wisdom. This seems to be the place that’s most in-touch about children’s lives on the internet.)

If i saw a 4 year old on the street alone id assume that were being neglected.

In a world of increasing safety measures it seems young people are being held back a lot compared to their parents and that generation in this case There may be increasing safety measures in world security, though with police cuts MH services in Ireland and the UK, increased drug users. I definitely think day to day life is far more dangerous than in the past.
Also some things I witnessed or was aware of or became part of from hanging on the street didn't do me any favours, far from it.
It depends where you live.

@c0wboy I’ve on mn about 7/8 years and I’ve come to realise I can’t relate to a lot of the posters here. You’ll be told children playing outside is trashy or some shit 🙄

I’m was born in the 80’s. I played outside in the summer from about age 4. There was always an adult around. Most mothers stayed at home so everyone looked out for each other.
Personally I think children learn so much from playing outside. My dc are two of the only children allowed play outside where we live.
Sounds like you had a great childhood cOwboy

I think children are busier after school now with activities and after school clubs. Most kids I know do at least three activities a week.

I let mine play out around our estate but they are the only children who. There's a big field nearby perfect for ball games and building dens, it's the kind of place I'd have played as a child. However because we were in a big gang there were lots of grown ups keeping an eye on us. My two on their own feel more vulnerable.

I played out a lot as a child. There wasn’t much else to do. It was quite a rough area with lots of bad stuff going on which I was lucky not to get caught up in. Most parents just let the kids out from morning til night with no clue as to what they were doing. All the parents seemed very separate from their kids, glad to be rid of them. I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near where I grew up.

My kids are past the ‘playing out’ stage now but I’m glad they’ve had a very different childhood to me. They have played out over the years, not as much as I did, but all the parents kept a close eye on their children. The kids liked staying home as they had loads of toys, garden toys and consoles/iPads and had friends round. I’ve spent far more time playing and doing things with my kids than my parents did and I’m glad I know what my kids are up to.

Life was a bit shit back ‘when we were kids’. I think many of those that say otherwise often have their rose tinted glasses on.

Children are more likely to wear glasses as they don't get enough time outside.
The fitness of children which has been measured nationally for decades, keeps going down.

The fitness of children which has been measured nationally for decades, keeps going down.

Every bodies fitness is going down though. All these children that spent their youths playing out all hours are now obese adults so I'm not sure you can pin not playing out on fitness going down. If anything my nieces and nephews get way more exercise than we ever did since they do more pe and do sports after school.

All the parents seemed very separate from their kids, glad to be rid of them. I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near where I grew up
Very true.
The odd kid who had supportive parents, took extracurricular classes, an interest in their education all went far in life.

@ChickLitLover

Parents were definitely glad to be rid of us and quite separate. I think when you live in a small house, you’re tired from work and still have to care for a baby, it’s nice to not have a kid pestering you.

4 is too young to be playing out alone.I think your mum made some poor choices tbh.

@FormerlyFrikadela01 Doing lots of exercise as a child is protective as an adult. Even if you are a fat and sedentary adult, you will be less negatively impacted healthwise if you had a fit and active childhood.

All sounding a bit "Common People" right now. 🤔

I'm in my early 30s and was able to play out from a fairly young age. Lots of outdoor space avaliable to do so. There was a safe field that I could walk to around the close, lots of people watching out for children, a mixture of mums a older retired neighbours. Moved much more rurally when I was in a tween and was given a lot more freedom once I'd been taught the rules of the countryside, able to go to the beach, the 'big house' and various other places pretty much as I pleased.

I have two children 7 and almost 4, simply put there is no where safe locally for them to be able to play out the way I did. Ds has additional needs so needs almost constant supervision. The front of the house is on now what is a very busy road. The house backs onto what would have once been the perfect ally way for children to play out on. But we are one of the few families that live in our road, there are maybe 5 other children, under 15 out of a road of almost 50 houses. So what once was a small alley to access reffuge collection and some house to access parking spots is now a access road for lots of converted flats and houses of multipul occupancy that uses speed along. There is a big difference between a parent edging long the road awear their children and their friends are likely playing out at regular times, like the end of the work day, and the young vet who puts their foot down in a hurry to get home to rest. Where a handful of houses used to have parking spaces, most of the large gardens have been concreted over to provide parking for 4 or 5 cars. As and adult I have to be really awear as I put the bins out or in as there is no telling who will race around the corner towards me. One of our neighbours can remember her children riding in and down the alley in home made go carts, no way could I let my children do that.

Equally it will be along time before I can let my daughter walk the 5 minutes down the road to the local park. There has been a massive increase in the number of rough sleepers. For what ever reason many of these people have dependancy problems and will often frequent the park drunk or high. It would be like throwing the daughter to the wolves even going with friends. Sadly a number of them are looking to get locked up so will make a nussance of themselves. I've rescued a few teens from very drunk men behaving inappriatpy in the park as I walked past with my children and called the none emergency police number as I've called them away. Once it was the very lovely big sister of my daughter's friend and a couple of her friends who were very shaken and needed walking home. Sadly many other adults walked past the 10 and 11 year old's having sexually provocative things shouted at them and not being allowed to easily carry on their way.

Both my children love the out doors. We are lucky enough to have a good size garden they are able to play out in for long days in the holidays and evenings after school. My daughter is able to have her best friend over regually to play out in our garden when the weather is good. My son regually stay out from almost the moment he wakes up until the moment it's time to go to bed. But neither of them are likely to have much independence in the near future. Even walking to the little shop will need adult supervision as cars drive at you along the pavement so you need very good road sense!

I grew up in early 80s, the youngest of 3. I'd go roaming around with my siblings (2 years and 5 years older than me) from the age of about 6, I'd walk to my best friend's house about 10 mins away from the age of 7, we'd go together to swimming pool on the bus from the age of about 9 or 10.

The main problem now is not that 'there are so many nutters these days' - more the worry that someone's going to report you for neglect if your child is seen out alone in public under the age of about 14 There was a boy in Y6 at niece and nephew's school and the school kept getting phone calls concerned about him walking to and from school alone because it happened that he was very small for his age! I guess at least no one was being reported, just people expressing concern, which is fine (if a bit annoying for the school)

I would suggest your childhood wasn't that usual / common.
My youngest is 18, and neither she, nor he siblings were abandoned like you were, and come to that, nor was I when I was that age in the 1960s nor older, in the 1970s.
I am FAR from 'helicoptor' parents, and quite a bit more relaxed than quite a few posters on here, but what you describes wasn't safe or sensible and hasn't been for a long long time.

My dc did go swimming without me once they went past 8 and the baths allowed it. My dc would also be able to go to the corner shop.

You're 18. So you would have been playing out ten years ago when you were 8 up until around 5/6 years ago when you were 12/13 and hanging out with friends would have overtaken playing out? 6-10 years ago is not as long ago as you're making out and parenting/the world has not changed that much in that time period, I definitely think you've got your rose-tinted specs on here!

Children play out where I live, not so much on weeknights at this time of year as it's getting dark by the time they get home from school but certainly at weekends and every day in spring/summer when the evenings are lighter.

Not sure I would ever have been comfortable with preschoolers out on their own, especially in an urban area, because of traffic if nothing else. But I do think there is now a tendency for parents, and indeed wider society to be over protective of children, even teenagers.
I am not sure it is entirely generational as my MIL is extremely over protective of her children and grandchildren and I know other older people with similar attitudes, but overall I do think there is a trend to allow children less freedom than in the past.
I let my 14 year old go for long bike rides on his own or with friends. I ask him to keep his solo rides to 30 miles or less but he will go much further with a couple of slightly older friends. I am very much in the minority, even though we live in a very outdoorsy area.
I sometimes think that in the past parents worried less because they didn't expect to hear from their children all day. Nowadays we are so used to instant communication that if we send a message and don't get a reply in 5 minutes it is cause for concern. Technology that should make us feel safer can actually have the opposite effect.
Yes, we need to keep children safe, but they also need to take some risks and be afforded some responsibility and independence if they are to grow up. If we protect too much then we limit their horizons.

I think it's very unusual to let a 4yo out to play by themselves. If I saw a 4yo by themselves Id assume they were lost or neglected and call the police.

I think when you live in a small house, you’re tired from work and still have to care for a baby, it’s nice to not have a kid pestering you.

But their new baby will turn into a ‘kid pestering them too.’ Maybe parenting isn’t for people who can’t be bothered. Parenting is hard at times but I don’t think the answer is to just send your kids off out for hours from age 3, like was common back when I was a child, not knowing what they were up to at all from about age 10. I’m glad that type of parenting is generally frowned upon today. Most of the kids who I grew up with either didn’t finish school, didn’t pass any exams, got in trouble with police, ended up on drugs and a couple ended up in prison. Girls were often pregnant quite young or in bad relationships. Few had any aspirations. I suppose I was lucky in that I was academic and knew I didn’t want that life.

Children hereabouts play outside happily but we’ve very little traffic. Our own certainly went sledging if there was snow but often in a group along with adults who didn’t want to miss out.
Our neighbours children take their ponies out and ride bicycles locally without adult presence. They help at village bonfire where adults are around but not exactly supervising. Ours used to spend time outside without adults playing tennis, building dens and holding cake sales in the square. They were never allowed to hang around in parks though. They were never allowed to play in an urban street.
They were only allowed to the beach when they’d passed their bronze medallion. They could take their friends boats out before then as they had life jackets and there was less messing around.

"Parents were definitely glad to be rid of us and quite separate. I think when you live in a small house, you’re tired from work and still have to care for a baby, it’s nice to not have a kid pestering you."

Id suggest that maybe you didn't have the idyllic childhood you painted in your first post. Your mum wanted you out of the house so she could focus on her new baby so you were sent out to play on your own from the age of 4, apart from when you were useful for going to the shop. It doesn't sound healthy to be honest. Where's the emotional nurturing that children need? Feeling like you're wanted? A mum who wants to spend time with you?

I used to play out and i loved it, but from the age of about 6 and it was my choice. I wasnt made to go because my mum didn't want me there.

At 9 I was allowed to go to the park (which involved crossing a very busy and fast main road) just to see if any of my friends from school were hanging out there.

And me and my mate were allowed to get a bus from central Croydon to play all day in some woods about 4-5 miles away. We'd be sent off in the morning with a packed lunch and a drink and told to make sure we were back in time for tea.

We also played in derelict houses and on building sites, but I'm not sure if this was actually allowed or whether it just hadn't occurred to our parents that these might be fun places for 2 very bookish little girls to hang out.

This was in the 60s, so not only no mobiles but our parents, like many people, didn't even have landlines.

Our parents weren’t perfect and in summer they’d often sit out till early hours and drink, or we’d wander round parties they had in gardens together
It sounds like neglect. Was any of your friends ever sexually abused by neighbour's or through lack of supervision.
I know some of mine were by neighbours uncle's, me included with an older cousin, he messed about with a few little cousin's in the family, in the days DC were unsupervised.

I'm early 30s and I spent my childhood playing out with friends in our cul de sac when I was a little older maybe 8/9 we used to play 'round back' with my sister who was two years older and where a load more kids lived who also played out. my own children who are four and six play out in the same cul se sac that I did when they go to their grandmas. she sits outside for hours watching them ride their bikes up and down the street. there's another family who let their kids play out and they have lots of fun playing together. there's also a family whose grandchildren go round who aren't allowed to play out as they think it's bad which is a great shame.
I'd much rather kids played out and made friends with the other neighbourhood kids rather than being stuck in.

I think this depends on area as much as anything.
My DS have played out since 8/9 and this is common round here. There is a park and an area with trees and bushes not far away and they regularly used to go out to both. As they got older they spent summer holidays basically cycling between park/woods/friends' houses.

Actually they have more freedom that I did as a child.