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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To set clear boundaries for my labour?

88 replies

Jmaxx44 · 26/01/2020 22:19

I am currently 5 months pregnant with my first baby. I have an older sister who is also pregnant (slightly further on, around 8 months) with her 3rd baby. My parents are generally very supportive and caring but when my sister has neared the end of her pregnancies they begin to make demands about how they want to be kept in the loop during/after labour. As I get closer to my own due date they have also started to drop hints to me and I know they will be making similar demands soon. My dad is much worse than my mum, he does not ask politely, but instead makes clear demands. His first is usually that both him and my mum expect to be the first phonecall to let them know the baby has been born (fair enough, I know I will want to tell my parents first, but his approach is quite rude as he doesn’t ‘ask’, instead he ‘tells’ us abruptly that this is what we have to do). Secondly, he will frequently tell our partners that they have a responsibility to keep him and my mum updated on progress throughout labour. With my sisters 2 previous labours, her partner did not send enough texts/make enough phone calls to keep him happy and he still complains about how her partner kept them in the dark for hours on end during her long labours. He never says anything to my sister or her partners face about this but he will complain to me and other close family members still until this day. Thirdly my parents are extremely competitive when it comes to seeing the baby once it is born. They will always ensure that they are the first people to see the baby, by showing up early for hospital visiting times etc. For my sisters first baby they tried to convince me that she would want them to be waiting at her house for her to arrive home so they could greet her and her newborn coming home from the hospital. My sister and I have spoken about this at length and I knew she would want to spend her first few hours at home settling in with her partner and new baby. I managed to convince them to wait at home for a few hours until they were invited over by my sister although they weren’t very happy to do this. My sister and I have talked about this at length and although she finds it really annoying, she has went along with what they wanted for the most part and does not argue. I am not quite as easy going as my sister and am finding the demands to be really irritating. I have told my partner that I don’t want him to be distracted during my labour by having to call my parents every time something happens (my dad has already told him he expects to kept up to date with my progress during labour). AIBU to think it’s quite selfish of my parents to make these demands? I just want to be able to get through my labour without having any other unnecessary stress or distractions. I have tried to tell them this is adding to my stress about going in to labour but their response has been ‘that’s very selfish of you to want to make us worry for hours on end not knowing how you are, we aren’t asking for much’. What is the right thing to do???

OP posts:

MermaidUnicorn · 26/01/2020 22:23

I'm sorry but you will have to be firm. Don't tell them you are in labour. They can visit you when you decide. If they wail and wail then so be it. You and your baby are more important right now. They sound awful. Good luck.

Needbettername · 26/01/2020 22:26

Would it work just not telling them when you have gone into labour?
Boundaries/setting out expectations is good idea. And then if they call you selfish then just a breezy sorry you feel like that and ignore.

My parents were waiting when I got home with my first and I hated it. I still resent the time that was stolen years later.

GreenTulips · 26/01/2020 22:27

Tell them you’ll live stream all the action.

Every time - don’t make any promises or commit to anything.

Oldbutstillgotit · 26/01/2020 22:27

Don’t tell them when you go into labour !

BeBraveAndBeKind · 26/01/2020 22:29

YANBU but I don't know what the solution is without causing a big family row. Maybe say that it's all going well if they don't hear anything to save to constant texting/calling? If you don't want to see them straight after, you can tell the hospital staff that you don't want them to be let in but it sounds like there will be a lot of fall out from that.

We had something similar with MIL when we had our first. She insisted on coming to the hospital straight after he was born despite being told that I was too sick to see anyone and the baby was in SCBU. The midwives wouldn't let her in and DH just popped out for a few minutes. I love her dearly but she's got no idea about considering other people's boundaries.

Namelessinseattle · 26/01/2020 22:31

Just agree to everything and then in the stress and excitement forget to text.

Oysterbabe · 26/01/2020 22:31

Just don't tell them you're in labour until it's all over. They'll kick off about it and then you can explain to them how their constant pestering about it stressed you out and gave you no choice because your birth is not about them.

Sleeveen · 26/01/2020 22:33

Tell them nothing. If they cut up afterwards, point out that you were concentrating on pushing out a baby.

Applesandpears23 · 26/01/2020 22:33

Don’t argue with them, just don’t tell them until after the baby is born. If they are cross, just say you knew how worried they would be so you saved them the fear. My mother announced she was coming over at the first twinge of labour. We contacted her to tell her my daughter had been born 12 hours after the birth. Said we had been overwhelmed and busy and were vague about the time of birth. No point having a row just nod and smile and do what you want to do.

CustardSlicesOnesNeverEnough · 26/01/2020 22:34

How can he contact them with updates when there's no signal 😉

My. Mum texted me during labour.. How's it going? I ignored it. As it was the labour was so fast i didn't need to give updates. Just a baby's here message.. 30.min later.!

Original poster

Jmaxx44 · 26/01/2020 22:35

It’s definitely a relief to see the YANBU votes!! I agree, I want to put my foot down on this one. I have absolutely no idea what to expect from labour and the first few days of motherhood so don’t want to commit to anything they are suggesting. Unfortunately my sister has went along with their demands (she has the patience of a saint, always has) so I will undoubtedly get told ‘why can’t you be more like your sister?!’ However I think it’s worth it to feel in control.

OP posts:

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 26/01/2020 22:36

Nod and smile. Then tell them nothing until the baby is born and you are ready to tell them.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 26/01/2020 22:38

I kind of envy you, to be honest. My parents made a big fuss about not wanting to be woken up for anything as trivial as my baby being born. He was born at about 3am, so naturally we felt honour-bound to phone them straight away! They weren't happy, but we thought it was very funny.

In your case, I wouldn't tell them that I'd gone into labour. Start now, with reminding them that there may not be time. Make sure all phones are switched off once you get to hospital and let them have a massive tantrum if they want to. Labour will not progress as well if you are stressed and a labour ward is one of the few places where you can genuinely shut out the outside ward, although you will need to tell the midwife not to answer any questions about you, in case they phone the ward. IME hospital midwives are excellent at fending off unwanted calls and/or visits.

Mirandaqueenbee · 26/01/2020 22:39

Had this but with my mother in law she wanted to be there right after the birth to regretted naturally telling her that I was in labour I wouldn't tell them till after birth post nothing tell no one till your ready

Lana1234 · 26/01/2020 22:40

I didn't let my mum know I'd given birth until well into the next day (we'd had a fractured relationship anyway but she was still demanding things). You focus on yourself, the pregnancy, the birth and your baby and nothing else right now. You do not need any added stress. Let them know after the birth if you want and only allow them round when YOU are ready. If you need rest and time with your baby then that is what you do, no giving into making others happy.

PuntasticUsername · 26/01/2020 22:42

I expect they are just concerned about you and your sister, and anxious to know that you and your babies have got through the birth safely. So I would approach any conversations with that in mind, and be kind, but YANBU at all not to want this for your labour.

I agree, just don't tell them when you go into labour. Particularly if your dad has got used to having his own way on this kind of thing. Fair enough if your sister prefers to go with it for a quieter life, but you don't have to do the same. It's the kindest thing for them anyway, saves them the worry, and gives you the space you want at that time.

brownpurse · 26/01/2020 22:44

He might just be worried for you. It's is horrible waiting for news when you know your own much loved child is going through childbirth.

ToadandTadpole · 26/01/2020 22:47

Just to put a different view... I'm sure the situation must be making you feel pressured but it's nice that they so obviously care and are invested in you and their grandchildren. I have just had my first child and, despite me begging, I can't get my father to agree to come meet him or be in touch with me. I had a very difficult upbringing and I was hoping my father would be different as a grandfather.
Wishing you all the best as your DC arrives xxx

ActualHornist · 26/01/2020 22:47

I would promise nothing.

“I’ll try is the best I can do”
“I’m not arguing with you dad, we’ll keep you informed as and when we can”
“Well I’m not sister am I? Stop pressuring me”
“You can visit me and the baby at home when I get home” (only if you know when you tell them to leave they will).

What a nightmare. I’d personally rather cause a feud than back down. Any time they bitch and moan or have a go, just give them a look and say you understand but this is YOUR baby and you will be putting him/her and your own comfort and wants first, especially while tiny. All this means is that they can’t make demands on your time that will be difficult to keep or that you don’t want to keep.

ThisIsSharonVanEtten · 26/01/2020 22:48

What brownpurse said mainly. Reframe this as love and concern, and don’t tell them when you are in labour! It is often a false alarm anyway (or tell them that afterwards!)!

Chinks123 · 26/01/2020 22:49

Don’t tell them! They sound really hard work. I understand being worried about your daughter in labour but it isn’t always appropriate to be texting/giving updates in labour. Dp kept ringing his mum and telling him how it was going with our first, and it drove me mad. I felt under real pressure to deliver because the phone kept buzzing. They actually turned up at the hospital wanting to see me in labour!

With the second I told him: don’t tell anyone, don’t text anyone, I don’t want the pressure of constant “is he here yet?” texts. As it happened I went into labour and he was born within 15 minutes so no one knew until we told them.

ToadandTadpole · 26/01/2020 22:49

Kanga83 · 26/01/2020 22:52

Be firm from the off, it will only be worse when baby is here. Tell them actually as YOU are giving birth, that YOU decide what info is shared and when or if at all. Tell them your DH won't be sending updates if you don't want him too, and as you are a grown woman about to become a mum, you are protective of your privacy, and settling in with baby. You might not even tell them for w few hours until baby is born, who knows how you will feel, and you might not want any visitors for hours or a week. Happy mum happy baby.

bridgetreilly · 26/01/2020 22:52

You're an adult, and you're about to become a parent. You absolutely do not have to do things just because your parents say so any more and it's best to make that clear to them from the beginning. You aren't being selfish, you are simply putting your own family first, and they will have to get used to you doing that.

MyuMe · 26/01/2020 22:52

Dear God.

OP don't tell anyone at all.

You know you went into labour in the early hours of the morning and it was over so fast you had no chance to tell a soul. Then home asap.

Just smile and nod knowing you're not going to tell them when you go into labour.

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