To set clear boundaries for my labour?

[Jmaxx44]

I am currently 5 months pregnant with my first baby. I have an older sister who is also pregnant (slightly further on, around 8 months) with her 3rd baby. My parents are generally very supportive and caring but when my sister has neared the end of her pregnancies they begin to make demands about how they want to be kept in the loop during/after labour. As I get closer to my own due date they have also started to drop hints to me and I know they will be making similar demands soon. My dad is much worse than my mum, he does not ask politely, but instead makes clear demands. His first is usually that both him and my mum expect to be the first phonecall to let them know the baby has been born (fair enough, I know I will want to tell my parents first, but his approach is quite rude as he doesn’t ‘ask’, instead he ‘tells’ us abruptly that this is what we have to do). Secondly, he will frequently tell our partners that they have a responsibility to keep him and my mum updated on progress throughout labour. With my sisters 2 previous labours, her partner did not send enough texts/make enough phone calls to keep him happy and he still complains about how her partner kept them in the dark for hours on end during her long labours. He never says anything to my sister or her partners face about this but he will complain to me and other close family members still until this day. Thirdly my parents are extremely competitive when it comes to seeing the baby once it is born. They will always ensure that they are the first people to see the baby, by showing up early for hospital visiting times etc. For my sisters first baby they tried to convince me that she would want them to be waiting at her house for her to arrive home so they could greet her and her newborn coming home from the hospital. My sister and I have spoken about this at length and I knew she would want to spend her first few hours at home settling in with her partner and new baby. I managed to convince them to wait at home for a few hours until they were invited over by my sister although they weren’t very happy to do this. My sister and I have talked about this at length and although she finds it really annoying, she has went along with what they wanted for the most part and does not argue. I am not quite as easy going as my sister and am finding the demands to be really irritating. I have told my partner that I don’t want him to be distracted during my labour by having to call my parents every time something happens (my dad has already told him he expects to kept up to date with my progress during labour). AIBU to think it’s quite selfish of my parents to make these demands? I just want to be able to get through my labour without having any other unnecessary stress or distractions. I have tried to tell them this is adding to my stress about going in to labour but their response has been ‘that’s very selfish of you to want to make us worry for hours on end not knowing how you are, we aren’t asking for much’. What is the right thing to do???

If you pander to their unreasonable demands before baby is even born, they may try to control you afterwards too...put your foot down now and hopefully they will learn to respect you.

When I had my first baby, I would have given anything for some input from my
Mum & dad they had emigrated with my siblings and mum didn’t come home till 2 weeks after her first grandson was born. (Flying visit) My dad didn’t meet him till he was 9 months old -
You might be glad of some support, no signal is an excellent excuse, but don’t cut your nose off to spite your face just yet in case you need them,

Should add, with my first I didn't let my husband ring my in-laws when I was in labour. He rang my mum when I was high and gas and air but he had been told not too previously. With my second we only told my parents as they were watching my eldest. No one was notified of labour, only a few hours/next day after baby was born. Do what is right for you. They'll either get over it, or will continue to show their selfishness.

As said, you just tell no-one you’re in labour.

Fucking modern technology! When I had my first in 1986 we didn't tell either set of grandparents that I'd gone into hospital and when DD was born at 7.30am DH didn't have any coins for the phone box. Both sets of grandparents got to know after a few hours when he'd got change.

they won't worry if they don't know you are in labour.

Don't even tell them until baby is born.

Just don't tell them you've gone into labour. I never told anyone at all when I did.

“Dad, why are you so obsessed with what’s happening to your daughter’s vagina?”

OP Your parents seem very anxious, maybe they just get very worried when their Daughters go through Labour and deal with it the wrong way. Once your baby is here you will realise how protective parents can be

but it's nice that they so obviously care and are invested in you and their grandchildren

How do you come to this conclusion?

Other threads on this scenario suggest the opposite.

My advice is just lie about everything. It's not the time to be falling out or arguing etc. Dont tell them you've gone into labour. Don't tell them you've had the baby if you want some time to yourself first. Tell them you are not going to be discharged until x when in reality you're going to be discharged before that. Tell them they're the first people you've told even if they aren't etc.

Alternatively put your foot down and say, actually its selfish to be making demands on a woman in labour and I'd rather my birth partner supported me than spend all his time updating etc.

My mum was wanting to be kept in the loop (though she didnt pester me too much ans never demanded anything) as she is a natural worrier and I had an incredibly long 4 day labour. I wish we had never told her it had started (though we speak fairly regularly so she would have guessed at some point, though I could have avoided her for a bit longer!). Knowing she was likely going completely out of her mind with worry did not help me relax though (we had to tell her the second time as she was looking after our toddler).

Either way they are incredibly rude and self absorbed to be making demands on you just so they can 'win' at being first at everything and making it all about them achieving this.

What are they like as parents and grandparents generally? Do they interfere with how your sister raises her kids and do they ever spoil special occasions like their birthday parties?

Don't tell them and then afterwards say, "well, I knew you'd be anxious and I didn't want you worrying." It probably is just concern. I know my dad was beside himself (but I only realised this afterwards. He was good enough to keep it quiet.)
Or simply be straight with them. Ask for their support and say that you're anxious enough without worrying about them. Tell them what you need.

I think you need to tell your father firmly that you have made it very clear that no-one is to report back to him on what is happening in your birth canal, and when he makes a fuss about that, make it clear that you won't be telling him when you go into labour.

I didn't tell my parents anything until after DD was born.

I was only sure it was labour at about 9pm, went to hospital at 5am and born at 10am.

In fact I don't think DH phoned them until a couple of hours later. They were 200 miles away though so not going to be visiting until we got home and settled in.

MIL in the other hand, was coming with us (DH has a weird phobia and I was worried he'd pass out so she was moral support/back up), so she came over at 9 and slept in our spare room until I woke her and DH to go in.

Whatever YOU want is acceptable, everyone else can take a hike.

It doesn't always work not telling people. I went in for induction due to PROM and was potentially going to disappear from contact for days. My friend had a 3 day induction then an emergency section.

As it happened I gave birth the night I went in, really quickly, and just before I pushed the student midwife told me that family had been ringing the ward. I had a real barney with my mum later, as she didn't really understand induction and hadn't believed me when I'd said there'd likely be no news that first day. I think she got it when my cousin gave birth soon after over 48 hours, via induction.

That said I am still glad we concentrated on each other and our baby, rather than texting. If you don't want to be held to task by your dad, you have to accept the later conplaints unfortunately. Even if you just shut them down.

Absolutely don’t tell them until the baby is born and even at that wait a few hours so maybe visiting times are over. Also tell them you’re getting home a day later than you are so you can settle in in peace.

On my son my parents knew that I’d gone into labour due to something out of my control which was fine but I had him at 8am and they arrived to the hospital at 12pm! We had just been put into a ward and they txt to say they were downstairs 🙈🙈🙈 it was a bit much.

Then they were waiting in our house when we got home with him. It was kinda nice and I know they meant well, had decorated with banners and balloons etc but to be honest if they’d just stayed for 10 mins then left it would have been fine. They hung around for HOURS, didn’t help doing anything at all just made tea and cake and contributed to a mess (I remember going into the kitchen and it was the messiest I’d ever seen it due to various baby things and cakes and crumbs etc from stuff they’d brought all over the place). Random memory but I remember sitting on the couch and watching them eat cake with their tea and it crumbling onto the floor and all I could think was I’d have to clean that up.

This was day 3 after he was born and I was very weepy (apparently day 3 hormone surges are a thing) and I just wanted to sit in peace with my new baby and husband to settle in and cry in peace if needed. I remember hinting at them to leave so we could have our dinner 🙄

So in summary - don’t tell them when you go into labour and then lie about when you are coming home. It’s worth it!

I think of the main issues they have is that they'll be 'worried sick for hours on end' then don't tell them you've gone into labour, and when you let them know that baby has been born, feign MASSIVE ignorance to it, insist it's that you didn't want them to be worried about you as they'd previously expressed concern over!! Your labour is the last chance you'll have to be 100% selfish for a lot of years to come so make the most of it

Absolutely don't tell them until the baby has arrived and you're ready for visitors!

I'd be interested to know what happened when your mum gave birth to you and your sister. Were her parents as insistent that they were involved?

I think they sound controlling about this but it might be helpful you try have a calm conversation before you're full term. Saying something like "I appreciate that you are worried about my labour and what will help me stay calm throughout and therefore more likely to have a smooth labour which is quicker and with reduced pain is to have the full support of dp. He can't fully support me if he's constantly popping in and out for phonecalls or checking texts. Things can change very quickly in labour and we would be upset if dp missed anything because of frequent updates. Would it be easier for you both if we don't tell you when labour begins?"

My husband was with me the entire labour and birth except when he had to pee. I basically didn't want to talk from a few hours in and tried to concentration on relaxation and i wouldn't have been able to do that if he had been otherwise occupied. I needed his support and to advocate our preferences to the health professionals as i was quite busy! It seems very unfair to put that extra pressure on the other parent when their role as birthing partner is to support you, not your parents! Good luck OP.

YANBU to want to birth in privacy with the main focus being on you and your safety/welfare rather than communicating with people that physically can't help if things deteriorate.
This isn't just your moment either, it's your partner's too and you can never go back so that is also a reason why you should stand firm.
I can see it from the point of view of worried parents, concerned for the welfare of their daughter during labour, particularly if your mum had terrible births with you/your siblings, but they need to see someone about that rather than causing you unnecessary stress.
Can you go abroad? That might solve all problems.

Thanks for the sound advice everyone! I think I’m going to have to have a calm conversation with them beforehand so they can adjust their expectations. Hopefully it goes well...If they feel left out afterwards they won’t complain to my face anyway (but they will go other family members!) so in theory I wont have to deal with that if I don’t want to. I like the idea of not telling them I have gone into labour or that the baby has been born until hours later, however one of their close friends daughter did something similar and they were outraged when they heard about it and made comments at the time (obviously for our benefit ) that they would be extremely hurt and angry if one of us did that. It would be a full on row and maybe not worth the fall out. In general they are great grandparents and don’t usually have these sort of demands or issues and in normal circumstances I would say they are pretty laid back, there is just something about babies that turns them into different people, it’s bizarre. They are usually very understanding and kind but historically when I have had to pull them up on controlling behaviour it has escalated into a full on row with them accusing me of being ungrateful for how much they do for us and lots of tears on their end. I have never got an apology or admission that they overstepped the boundary, they are very good at flipping the situation to make it seem that I am the one being unreasonable...it’s never a fun conversation to have unfortunately!! Although my sister has told me she found they were slightly more receptive once she got pregnant/had children as they obviously are aware that they would see less of the grandchildren if they upset her or pushed her too far - so hopefully I can get my point across with as little backlash as possible as I know they will be slightly worried it could backfire on them and their time with the baby.

When dd1 was born we were both in hospital for couple of weeks afterwards due to complications. Every time dh spoke to his parents they said they would wait until we were out of hospital and settled at home before visiting. At the time we thought it was a bit off that they didn't want to visit but reading threads like this on MN has made me realise that they were actually just giving me privacy in hospital and that was actually very considerate of them.

My parents and in laws are great but i still didn't tell them i'd gone into labour, less pressure, we called them a couple of hours after baby arrived so we had a little breathing space.
Just don't tell them, call and tell them baby is here when you feel ready to. They have no say over this

Op it is absolutely worth the fallout should they choose to do that to set some firm boundaries. If not now, you set a precedent that every time they disagree with your parenting decision they can stomp their feet and temper and bully you until you agree with them. That's bullying, not supportive parenting. Labour has many complications. I was convinced I would have a calm water birth. It was very, very different and my only concern was baby being born alive in the end and not appeasing my in laws (my mum said ring if you want, don't ring, just ring or text once baby here so I know all ok). My MIL made demands that I didn't tell them I was in labour. Couldn't be arsed to be dictated to over my body and my baby coming out of it. Don't tell them when you are in labour and deal with them later. Tell them after they will not spoil this moment and to put up and shut up for their grandchild's sake. If they see you stand up to them they will either change for the better or won't, which won't be a great loss if that's what they choose.