To set clear boundaries for my labour?

[Jmaxx44]

I am currently 5 months pregnant with my first baby. I have an older sister who is also pregnant (slightly further on, around 8 months) with her 3rd baby. My parents are generally very supportive and caring but when my sister has neared the end of her pregnancies they begin to make demands about how they want to be kept in the loop during/after labour. As I get closer to my own due date they have also started to drop hints to me and I know they will be making similar demands soon. My dad is much worse than my mum, he does not ask politely, but instead makes clear demands. His first is usually that both him and my mum expect to be the first phonecall to let them know the baby has been born (fair enough, I know I will want to tell my parents first, but his approach is quite rude as he doesn’t ‘ask’, instead he ‘tells’ us abruptly that this is what we have to do). Secondly, he will frequently tell our partners that they have a responsibility to keep him and my mum updated on progress throughout labour. With my sisters 2 previous labours, her partner did not send enough texts/make enough phone calls to keep him happy and he still complains about how her partner kept them in the dark for hours on end during her long labours. He never says anything to my sister or her partners face about this but he will complain to me and other close family members still until this day. Thirdly my parents are extremely competitive when it comes to seeing the baby once it is born. They will always ensure that they are the first people to see the baby, by showing up early for hospital visiting times etc. For my sisters first baby they tried to convince me that she would want them to be waiting at her house for her to arrive home so they could greet her and her newborn coming home from the hospital. My sister and I have spoken about this at length and I knew she would want to spend her first few hours at home settling in with her partner and new baby. I managed to convince them to wait at home for a few hours until they were invited over by my sister although they weren’t very happy to do this. My sister and I have talked about this at length and although she finds it really annoying, she has went along with what they wanted for the most part and does not argue. I am not quite as easy going as my sister and am finding the demands to be really irritating. I have told my partner that I don’t want him to be distracted during my labour by having to call my parents every time something happens (my dad has already told him he expects to kept up to date with my progress during labour). AIBU to think it’s quite selfish of my parents to make these demands? I just want to be able to get through my labour without having any other unnecessary stress or distractions. I have tried to tell them this is adding to my stress about going in to labour but their response has been ‘that’s very selfish of you to want to make us worry for hours on end not knowing how you are, we aren’t asking for much’. What is the right thing to do???

Just don't tell them when you go into labour. I never did, my husband made phone calls to the new grandparents in the morning after I'd had my baby. I went into hospital at 4.30am, I doubt they'd have wanted to be woken up then anyway.

If you're happy for them to visit in hospital, fine, I know not everyone is but do stress it must be a short visit.

Don't tell them when you're going home, be deliberately vague about the time so they won't be at your house on your return - different if they are going to help (quietly), cook, shop, do housework. However it's nice to be able to do your own thing, you and partner bond with your baby, when you get home - sleep if you can, not get into banal conversation.

You're not selfish to want any of this.

Do a Meghan: don’t tell them you’re in labour until the baby’s already arrived 😈

Definitely don't tell them you're in labour. That will leave your partner with needing to constantly update. I wouldn't want anyone knowing how dilated my cervix was.

My Mum had asked me to call her as soon as I went into labour with DC1 (not in quite as an aggressive way as your DF) and I just nodded and smiled with no intention to do that. She got a call afterwards.

Op it is absolutely worth the fallout should they choose to do that to set some firm boundaries. If not now, you set a precedent that every time they disagree with your parenting decision they can stomp their feet and temper and bully you until you agree with them. That's bullying, not supportive parenting

This. You need to put your foot down now. There will never be an easier time to do this than today.

Once baby is here, your head will be all over the place. Start the way you mean to go on. Interfering parents like this will spoil your first months with your baby AND jeopardise your relationship with your DP.

This is about you, baby and him, in that order. These need to be your priorities, not worrying about how to keep your parents from having a tantrum.

Just don’t tell them until baby is born. End of ...

How old are you? Why do you allow your parents to have such an influence over your life?

I telephoned my parents after my DS had been born, about five hours later I think, from memory, EMCS & all rather dramatic. My DH telephoned his own mother. End of ... they visited when invited, DMIL actually visited first as she was nearer (still 3 hours away ) and my DM came to stay about 10 days, later .... (7/8 hours away).

Establish firm boundaries now or your DPs will want to live their lives through you.

Is there a reason why they are so anxious about it? Have they lost a child during childbirth or one of their siblings?

Maybe that's part of of the conversation, asking them why they are so worried about it.

So what if they're hurt and angry - you're the one giving birth, you're the one who has the right to lay down boundaries. And let them rant at everyone else afterwards - I can guarantee there'll be very few who aren't on your side.

I'd start off now by not answering the phone to them every time. I've always thought that would be a dead giveaway that something's up - if the first time you don't answer the phone to someone is when you're in labour (and they're expecting it). Ring them back a few hours later, or the next day, and let them learn that you'll not always be at their beck and call.

Definitely don't tell them you're in labour. When they complain, just tell them you didn't want to. And wait until you're ready for them to know the little one is here. If I were you I'd be sorely tempted to let the in-laws meet the wee one first, and when your parents fume point out that the in-laws were behaving like adults and treated you with respect, so you were repaying the courtesy. Or you could just not tell your parents.

Luckily my family live far too far away for this to be an issue, though my very LC sibling has already tried making plans to visit, which I have squashed. They'll come to my timetable, not theirs. Considering she decided she should be my birth partner (despite, as I said, being very LC) I have no issue in putting my foot down for once.

I didn't tell any family that I was in labour with either of my kids. They got a phone call when baby was here and we had time to call.

Just don't tell them you're in labour at all.

Get a sodding grip.

Tell them now you won't be letting them know when you're in labour and why. If they complain just calmly reply 'but this isn't about you' and repeat.

If you think they are the kind to contact the hospital or turn up, a couple of weeks before your due date you and DH have a day of no calls or texts or answering your DPs. If they make a tit of themselves turning up or making assumptions that's on them.

Fortunately they aren’t the type to show up at the hospital and they won’t be calling/texting during the labour. But they will make demands in advance and complain afterwards if they aren’t met, hence the need to lay down the law early on. On a side note, my sister is being induced today and my mother was invited to come and look after her children. My father has commitments today which means he couldnt go with my mum and he is practically hysterical. He is calling me every hour in a panic and I have told him he needs to sort himself out, it’s absolutely ridiculous. He knows he is not allowed to call my sister or her partner and I am confident he will hold back until they call him. But it really is bizarre behaviour!! My mum is at my sisters house with the kids and actually very calm and laid back about the whole thing, clearly my dad is the driving force behind the controlling behaviour. I have told him he isn’t to leave his house until he is invited by my sister and he is not very happy about it but seems to have accepted it which is something at least.

Your sister isn't laid back, she's allowing their controlling behaviour. You clearly know that this isn't ok so I think you need to check your own boundaries. When you are actually in labour you are so focused on what is happening to your body and your baby you won't give a shit about anyone else and you will want your birth partner to be 100% there with you too, not busily updating the world. That's not selfish, that's just how it is, all your energy will be taken up on the task in hand.

Nod and smile.

Don’t tell them when you go into labour. Why would you?? Just tell them once baby is born. If there’s any moaning afterwards say “I didn’t want you to worry and I didn’t want hubby worrying about how often he should or shouldn’t be sending updates so I decided to do what is normal and let you know after”.

This does take me back. We made the mistake of ringing my parents (2 1/2 hours away) when I went into labour. Warn them not to come immediately but of course they didn’t listen. Later they had the cheek to complain that they were sitting in the hospital for 10 hours because of course my husband was with me. Then again they had the gall to complain that it took an hour after DS was born for DH to tell them. I never forgave her for that. The three of us were, quite naturally getting used to the miracle of being a little family of three and I was pretty shattered having had a forceps delivery.

I think that while it is nice that they care so much ,they need to step it down a notch or two TBH! Just say look Dad we love you both,but we need to concentrate on the birth and becoming our own little family right now .Tell him you will let him know the instant Baby is born! Updates throughout Labour?Good grief ,Just say you and DP will be far too busy delivering their GC safely !

I think you need to be firm now and not leave it until you have the baby.

Perhaps ask him why he is so interested in your cervix, womb etc?

Realistically, tell him you and your partner will be focusing on your labour and updates will not be supplied. Be very noncommittal when he gets upset ie it's not a discussion/the subject is closed/we have made our decision/I'm sorry you feel like that etc and then move away or change the subject. Good luck, your sister should have put her foot down when she had her first baby.

Tell them that the hospital has rules : that there are to be no phones in the Labour room, because it's distracting and can interfere with some equipment.

Also, tell them that reception is very patchy. So, in order for Partner to call or text them, he'd have to leave you alone, venture outside and possibly miss the birth himself.

I agree with the pp about not responding to every call and message instantly between now and your due date. Otherwise they’ll blow up your OH’s phone as soon as they can’t get hold of you past 38 weeks.

It’s 20 years since I last gave birth, but both times, both sets of grandparents got a call from then DH a few hours after the birth.

To be honest I'd be really upfront with them now and make clear that you think they have been unreasonable with respect to your sister and you won't be following their rules with your own labour.

They sound very controlling. They are absolutely within their rights to be told that the baby has been born and to be informed if there are serious complications etc but beyond that you don't need to provide news flashes.

I'd lay out the groundrules now so there's no uncertainty. If they do kick off about it better for you to have been clear about it from the outset than to have a huge row when you're nursing a newborn.

Good luck: sounds very stressful and unhelpful.

Is there any chance your mum or someone in your dad's family had a difficult labour/lost a baby? It does seem a bit extreme that he works himself into such a frenzy over labour, given that he is fairly chilled besides.

I didnt tell anyone I was in labour because my MIL is so overbearing that she would have turned up and inserted herself into the delivery room somehow, shes the type who always gets her way or kicks off.

Best decision I ever made.

@Drum2018 my mum lost 3 babies before we were born so I think this is the root cause of the panicking. I don’t know exactly how many weeks along she was but I think they were all lost fairly early on. Back when we were born it wasn’t commonplace in our local hospital for fathers to be present throughout labour and birth but my dad refused to leave my mums side throughout it all. I think in his mind he is ‘helping’ by being like this when in reality he is doing it to reassure himself. Since we were young children he has always been like this in hospital/health situations, he is extremely cautious and is definitely a worrier. Although in other aspects of life he is very laid back. I have tried to talk about it in the past but he is very stubborn and refuses to acknowledge that the issue seems to be with him rather than other people.

The thing is, if they’re reasonable people, they will understand.

My parents live in Northern Ireland and I’m in London. When my son was due to be born by elective C-section, I initially arranged that they should come to visit at the hospital the evening after the afternoon he was born. My husband pointed out that was too soon, so I phoned my parents the morning of my op and they completely understood, even though my father in particular was so so excited to see his first grandchild.

It’s like the quote from Corinthians: “Love is never jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way”.

If they really love you, they will understand.