To think MIL and her DP should sit with us?

[letsgogogo]

Apologies this is long but I don't want to drip feed... I Would love to know if you think IABU or not.

We are off to Disney world in a few months, family of 4 (2a, 2c 6 and 12) we wanted to sit together so we've booked seats on the plane.

We also wanted to take my MIL with us as she's lovely, does everything for everyone, never gets a break and is always there for us, she's very close to the DC. She's not in a position to pay for herself and so we asked if they (her and her DP) would like to come with us and obviously we would pay for them they said yes... all they have to do is pay for their spending money.

None of us are particularly close to her DP (my DP's Step dad) as even though they've been together for 25 years, he's never shown an interest in spending time with us or our DC. We do invite them both to dc party's but mil always comes alone and says he's on call for work.

we obviously knew she wouldn't want to go without him so of course we offered to pay for both.

When I told MIL they could book seats on the plane now to secure their seats with us or wait til 24h before to try and get the seats she wants for free, she said 'no no no, DP is on it now as he's desperate for a window seat' and then she came back and said he wants the row of 2 seats at the other end of the plane to where we have booked so she has room to get out without disturbing anyone next to her when she walks up to see us'

I pointed out the window seat behind ours and suggested I can then move one of our seats so we're sitting in 2 rows of 3' (rather than the row of 3 and one aisle seat I've already booked) and then she wouldn't have to worry about getting up.... and I added 'unless DP doesn't want to sit with us?' and she said 'no don't worry, don't change what you've booked it's just he's a big kid and wants a window seat....'

I asked what's wrong with the window seat behind ours and she said 'don't worry he's going to try and get the seats he wants 24h before as that's more exciting... which is of course not what she said above!

So basically he doesn't want to sit with us. That's fine but I know MIL wouldn't have an issue sitting with us and I think she thought she would be and was excited about it as she herself was saying she can't wait to see the kids first take off!

Usually I back down and people please but her DP is irritating me for a few reasons... for example, MIL struggles a lot with her mobility and as she doesn't like to ask for things she's said to her DP that she'll be fine waking around Disney and there's no need to pay for her to hire a wheelchair while we're there... he just says ok. So I know we're going to have to hire it because MIL cant walk even the shortest distances without being in pain.

he's also declaring which days he's decided they're doing something different, (which is fine as we expect them to do their own thing too), but he's not asking her thoughts or asking what she wants... he just says 'we're doing this... and we're not doing that.'

Also MIL has a lot of pressure atm looking after her elderly parents, cooking their dinner and she also looks after her DPs elderly parents and is every body in her DPs family rock yet even though she's running herself ragged, he's just laying on the sofa all day watching love island and eating... she then she has to get in and do his dinner too... it makes me angry. Even though my DP says she's a big girl and can make her own decisions and choices, I can't help but feel someone should be saying enough is enough... anyway, I've digressed!

MIL and I are really close and can talk for hours, and she loves being with the kids, both kids are well behaved and it's not like a flight to Orlando is going to be peaceful anyway so I don't see what he gains by moving away from us.

And although this might not seem related I think it's important to say that even though we've paid we've said from the start that it's their holiday too and we really don't expect to do everything together. We've also all sat down and everybody had an opportunity to say what they wanted to do so FIL has plenty of things in the line up that he wanted to do but no one else did that we've all booked into.

Aibu?

*previous not previously lol... oh dear, you're all precious in a good way anyway 😊

Omg I give up on autocorrect

My dad loves it if there are those seats at the back, where the row goes from 3 to 2, gives a buffer from the trolley and not far to the loo.
It's a long flight, people have preferences and planes are not that easy to socialise in anyway.

I expect the story about him wanting to get to know the family better is pure fantasy on mil's part.

Hope you can let it go and have an amazing holiday.

@rookiemere we're staying onsite so won't really need to hire a car except to travel to our wedding which we are paying for.

@jay55 yeah I think you're right, MIL has said numerous times over the years that she's 'had a go' about him not getting involved with us. Like I said, we always invite him along.

She's difficult to help because even when I offer to help her she always says no... she just handles everything by herself.

She is a grown woman who may be saying she doesn't want help because she doesn't need your help. You sound quite controlling, OP. Your MIL might just want some peace on the flight, they might just want a little bit of time to themselves where they can gave a glass of wine and fall asleep without having to worry about entertaining a 12yo & 6yo. Do you really care this much about seats on a plane because someone doesn't want to sit with you for a few hours?

I think if you get upset every time people don't do what you want or things don't go as you envisage, you aren't going to enjoy your holiday. Loosen the reins a little and let them sit where they want.

even though she's running herself ragged, he's just laying on the sofa all day watching love island and eating... she then she has to get in and do his dinner too... it makes me angry. Even though my DP says she's a big girl and can make her own decisions and choices, I can't help but feel someone should be saying enough is enough...

Some people relax by being busy, some by watching crap tv. I agree with your DP. MIL is a big girl. Just because she isn't doing what you would do, doesn't mean she is unhappy.

I would have asked to come and help you with babysitting rather than it being a holiday for her....and not invited him.
I wouldn't be worried about them not sitting near you but more worried about them wanting a seperate holiday so you don't see much of her.

@Daftodil I wouldn't say I'm controlling at all, if anything I'm a people pleaser and go along with what others want.

I offer help but like I say she just says 'no I'm fine you've got enough on' and then I leave it. I just like to let her know we're willing to help if she needs it but I do agree it's up to her whether she accept her how her DP treats her.

Sure people can relax watching crap tv, I do myself. I'm only going by MIL telling me that all he does is lay on the sofa all day long and doesn't help her. It's the one time she actually had a moan about someone really and tbh I think she had a fair point considering she's running about after his and her parents.

I agree that maybe they want peace away from the kids but MIL was so excited to be going on a flight with the kids so actually it's more likely that he wants to be away from us on the plane. MIL said he's going to have his earphones in all the way so she will be up to see us for most of it.

But I'm over the seats thing. I'm Just going to get on and enjoy my time with the kids.

It’s just a plane ride. Who you sit with is not important. I’d find you hard work with insistIng that family holiday includes all sitting together on the plane or your feelings will be hurt. Get a grip. Not everyone likes to pay the airlines daylight robbery prices to reserve a seat.

If you booked the flights, then log on to the booking with the record locator and register your MIL for special assistance at the airport. You can designate wheelchair but can walk short distances iyswim. That way she will be whisked through security in a wheelchair, can board early and wont have to stand in a long queue waiting at immigration at Orlando when you land as they will meet her off the plane with another wheelchair and take you all through the express line.

As you are all on the same booking, you will all be able to accompany her (sell it that it makes your life easier with the dc as she is a people pleaser she will probably accept it if you put it that way)

"she doesn't ever complain about her pain or complain about anybody."

Then she possibly enjoys what she does. I'm similar, I've told my eldest DD more than a few times to butt out. It's her that causes me stress, not the amount that I do for people.

Her relationship is what it is, she chose him, you need to let that go.

Get your DH to convince your MIL that she'll need a scooter, if only to keep up with the children.

@SeaToSki we booked theirs but on a separate booking so I'm not sure that will still work?

I think you should be proactive on the holiday.
Don't say 'mil would you like.'
Say 'cmon mil you and I are going here or doing this.' And do nice things with her that don't include him.
And just do it before he gets his oar in. Get your dp to help by distracting dfil.

Be as bossy and selfish as he is but in a fairy godmother way.

@Ponoka7 haha yes she's much the same, she loves helping people. It would be nice if someone treated her too though right?

"Say 'cmon mil you and I are going here or doing this.'"

But then wouldn't MIL go ahead anyway as she's a people pleaser?

So is this a break for her or to make sure she's at your wedding?

The wedding was an afterthought really, only booked it a few weeks ago. Holidays been booked for a year. None of my family can come and that's another thread lol

Lots of people are introverted or sensitive to noise. He could be travel sick or a nervous flyer

This. I'd not want to sit in close proximity to children on a long haul flight either. Nor would I want to feel obliged to share idle chit chat with people I don't know all that well. Could it be that your mil would also like to sit in peace as well and is using his preferences as a cover for her own? So as not to give offence whilst claiming she'd love to sit together but. . .
I can't actually see why it's so important where they sit. You're all going in the same direction. I'd just accept their wishes. They have their reasons. Both of them.

@diddl it's a treat for her. Haven't asked for any babysitting or anything at all. It wasn't to ensure she was at the wedding as that wasn't even on the cards when we booked it. My DP just wanted to treat his mum after everything she's done for us over the years. We asked them if they wanted a family holiday with us and She knows Disney world is not a 'relaxing holiday' as such.

I suppose asking if she wants to come with you & the kids-even if you don't ask her to do anything at all is still different to saying-we'd love to treat you, where would you like to go?

@YummyChipCurryDip it's not really a major issue, I guess I was just a bit take aback as MIL had been excited about the plane with the kids and I assumed (as did she I guess from when we've been chatting) that as a family we would all kind of sit together but clearly that's not the case.

Also, no. Neither of them are anxious flyers or claustrophobic... I'd be surprised if they can find a kid free area on a plane to Florida lol... he does know my DH well seeing as he lived with him when he was growing up. He doesn't know me and the kids that well through his own choices

@diddl exactly, I haven't got 6k to just give away as random treats, it was more of a 'we've booked Disney and would love to share it with you and the kids would love you to come, will you come with us for a family holiday?' still don't expect them to do everything with us of course, it's their holiday too and we've made plans to do things separately and together.

The thing with Disney holidays is they need to be planned in advance so we all sat down and FIL said the things he wanted to do and we've factored them all in. On some of things we booked he's now said they're not doing, that's fine, but he doesn't ask MIL he just takes her off but I realise I can't change them and I won't try. I'll just get on with what the kids want to do and I'll take a vat of whiskey with me to keep calm! Lol

Fil does sound a pain BUT he's HER pain.

I think you really need for accept there's at least an element of choice in all this for mil:

Some people do get a kick out of thinking they're indispensable and hard done by and having that public persona of this Uber kind helpful person even to the detriment of themselves.

She chose to be with fil, and she chose to take on the responsibility of caring for 2 sets of elderly parents.

She doesn't have to do any of it.

Don't get sucked in to their dynamic.

Enjoy your holiday, do as you please and don't focus on what fil is or isn't doing.

And as for the seating on the plane? Unnecessary worry, could be any number of reasons that you're unaware of.

I can't really tell from your post, but the seats towards the back of the plane (If it's Virgin to Orlando) are usually 2 seats rather than 3 so it would mean he would get a window seat and her the aisle.

I do think that if it's been this way for 25 years then there's not much you can do about it.

But having been to Orlando twice with in-laws, it's not something I'll ever be doing again!

Regarding booking airport assistance, it doesnt matter if they are two separate bookings, as long as you have the record locator you can add it to their booking. If you want to be really precise, call the customer service number for the airline and ask for the bookings to be connected to each other. Then if there is a problem with the flight, they will treat you all as one big booking when making changes which might be helpful. At the airport they will treat you as one booking since you clearly are a family traveling together

Some people need more personal space than other people do. If I were going on a family holiday that included a wedding to a very crowded place that required a lot of energy like DisneyWorld, I would need to have a certain amount of personal space and privacy in order to keep my composure around my family and not feel swamped and overwhelmed. If people are forced into too much social interaction when they feel introverted, they can feel panicked and be snappish and unpleasant. That's not what you want, is it? It's better if he knows his limits so he can not have a meltdown in front of your kids because he feels pressured to put on an act to please you if he's feeling trapped.