To think MIL and her DP should sit with us?

[letsgogogo]

Apologies this is long but I don't want to drip feed... I Would love to know if you think IABU or not.

We are off to Disney world in a few months, family of 4 (2a, 2c 6 and 12) we wanted to sit together so we've booked seats on the plane.

We also wanted to take my MIL with us as she's lovely, does everything for everyone, never gets a break and is always there for us, she's very close to the DC. She's not in a position to pay for herself and so we asked if they (her and her DP) would like to come with us and obviously we would pay for them they said yes... all they have to do is pay for their spending money.

None of us are particularly close to her DP (my DP's Step dad) as even though they've been together for 25 years, he's never shown an interest in spending time with us or our DC. We do invite them both to dc party's but mil always comes alone and says he's on call for work.

we obviously knew she wouldn't want to go without him so of course we offered to pay for both.

When I told MIL they could book seats on the plane now to secure their seats with us or wait til 24h before to try and get the seats she wants for free, she said 'no no no, DP is on it now as he's desperate for a window seat' and then she came back and said he wants the row of 2 seats at the other end of the plane to where we have booked so she has room to get out without disturbing anyone next to her when she walks up to see us'

I pointed out the window seat behind ours and suggested I can then move one of our seats so we're sitting in 2 rows of 3' (rather than the row of 3 and one aisle seat I've already booked) and then she wouldn't have to worry about getting up.... and I added 'unless DP doesn't want to sit with us?' and she said 'no don't worry, don't change what you've booked it's just he's a big kid and wants a window seat....'

I asked what's wrong with the window seat behind ours and she said 'don't worry he's going to try and get the seats he wants 24h before as that's more exciting... which is of course not what she said above!

So basically he doesn't want to sit with us. That's fine but I know MIL wouldn't have an issue sitting with us and I think she thought she would be and was excited about it as she herself was saying she can't wait to see the kids first take off!

Usually I back down and people please but her DP is irritating me for a few reasons... for example, MIL struggles a lot with her mobility and as she doesn't like to ask for things she's said to her DP that she'll be fine waking around Disney and there's no need to pay for her to hire a wheelchair while we're there... he just says ok. So I know we're going to have to hire it because MIL cant walk even the shortest distances without being in pain.

he's also declaring which days he's decided they're doing something different, (which is fine as we expect them to do their own thing too), but he's not asking her thoughts or asking what she wants... he just says 'we're doing this... and we're not doing that.'

Also MIL has a lot of pressure atm looking after her elderly parents, cooking their dinner and she also looks after her DPs elderly parents and is every body in her DPs family rock yet even though she's running herself ragged, he's just laying on the sofa all day watching love island and eating... she then she has to get in and do his dinner too... it makes me angry. Even though my DP says she's a big girl and can make her own decisions and choices, I can't help but feel someone should be saying enough is enough... anyway, I've digressed!

MIL and I are really close and can talk for hours, and she loves being with the kids, both kids are well behaved and it's not like a flight to Orlando is going to be peaceful anyway so I don't see what he gains by moving away from us.

And although this might not seem related I think it's important to say that even though we've paid we've said from the start that it's their holiday too and we really don't expect to do everything together. We've also all sat down and everybody had an opportunity to say what they wanted to do so FIL has plenty of things in the line up that he wanted to do but no one else did that we've all booked into.

Aibu?

I think you need to detach a bit. Just chill, as you've already said. There could be many reasons why he wants to sit a bit apart. Lots of people are introverted or sensitive to noise. He could be travel sick or a nervous flyer, anything! Try to appreciate that he's there and making an effort to be with you all, rather than picking holes and trying to make it how you think it should be. And remember that your MIL is choosing to be with him and that isn't your business.

they've been together 25 years ? and he doesn't really know your kids ? but he's been around their entire lives ? that's weird right ?

Look OP,this man is a dick, sounds like even his own daughter doesn’t like him
Inviting him to go on holiday with you was crazy but you did and trying to use your break to show MIL this and get her to actually stand up to him is a waste of everyone’s time and will ruin your holiday.
Unless he directly offends you just ignore him, whatever you think of his and MIls relationship it seems to work for them so stop interfering

Look, i get where you bare coming from, but don't catastrophize seating on a plane. It's a long plane ride, you will be in close quarters together on the trip, honestly I am getting claustophobic reading this.

I agree with everyone else, you can't 'fix' their relationship and as dysfunctional as it looks from the outside, it might well fit their needs. You've invited him now, so unless you are going to un-invite him, you're stuck with the choice

When you're away, I'd try to find time to debrief and let out the frustrations with DH. We chatted in the car while the kids were asleep, took the scenic route home from trips out and blamed our sat nav for us taking a while to get back to the villa .

I also think you need to think carefully about your expectations on the holiday so you're not disappointed.

Devils advocate, he thinks you've only invited them so mil can be a babysitter rather than a break for her you need he there as you know she will put you and the kids before her needs which considering it's Orlando and she has mobility issues might not be far from the truth. He thinks she already does enough and should have a rest. Just coz he is a lazy sod doesn't mean he isn't saying this.

If he's acting like this on holiday then just totally blank him and have a lovely time with everyone else. If he refuses to go somewhere then just tell him 'fine, you stay here', kidnap your MIL and speed off with her before he has a chance to even open his mouth! Don't let him get to you, don't even engage. Seriously OP I've got a whole family full of arseholes like this. Don't waste a minute of your time with them and eventually it'll stop bothering you. Start practicing now!!!

Let him sit where he likes - he will anyway. Hopefully he will be surrounded by really noisy and badly behaved children! Once you're in the air, you or DP can go visiting and swap with his DM for a spell so she can sit with her DGC. You can ring the changes so you each get some time sitting by him. If he gripes, well, he chose the seat; he knew she'd want to be with you!

I always try to snaffle seats in the last row at the back - there's nobody behind kicking or hauling on your seat or punching their little screen like an unwanted seat massage. And you board first with nobody squeezing past. It's bumpier when it's turbulent though.

Make sure she gets included in every nice thing you have going on.

He should be well behaved since you've treated him, but do call him on any sexist talk, whether in front of the children or not. It's easy enough to say, "Fred, you can think whatever you like, of course, but we don't want to hear those views and we especially don't want the children to learn that you have them. Let's talk about something pleasant instead." And that last sentence can move a lot of conversations into calmer waters.

Have a lovely time!

I don't want to be harsh but you invited this man knowing EXACTLY who he is and what he's like

You also invited MIL knowing EXACTLY who she is and what she's like

And now you want to change them both and become MILs saviour

Please don't do this

It will ruin your holiday but more importantly it will ruin your children's holiday

Just allow everyone to be who they are and let everyone have a good time in their own way

Devils advocate, he thinks you've only invited them so mil can be a babysitter rather than a break for her

That's actually what I thought initially

I might be way off the mark but he might be claustrophobic and embarrassed about it. I always book those pairs for that reason. Also people book them to be near the loo for reasons they don't want to share with family.

@thickwoollytights they offered to have the kids for a night but no, I'm going for my kids and to be with them... I don't even go out at home and have babysitters let alone on holiday so... I understand why you might have thought that but no, not interested in babysitting at all

I think it's unlikely that the OP would have invited her MIL to be a babysitter. She's in a lot of pain and can only walk 100 metres. Some of you are clearly desperate to find a way to make the OP the unreasonable one, as is always the case on AIBU. But this isn't the usual MIL thread, this DIL loves her MIL dearly and wants to give her a nice holiday.

As for MIL's DP not wanting to put up with the DC, the OP says they're well behaved (obviously, as with all kids, they have their moments, but the OP did point out that it's a flight to Orlando, so there will be a lot of kids, and they might find themselves trapped near a screaming baby or the archetypal family from hell.

That said, I think you need to pick your battles, OP.

I understand you've tried to do a nice thing, but a holiday in Disney world when you've mobility issues and chronic pain doesn't really sound like a break.. and then expecting them to pay for a mobility scooter (someone above quoted almost $400,) as well as spending money, means it may actually cost them quite a bit.. Maybe he'd be more enthusiastic if he felt like you were genuinely treating MIL..? I don't know, he does sound selfish from your description but she does sound a bit of a martyr and it can be tiring living with someone like that. If she's always putting everyone else first then that will impact him too..

It sounds like MIL is trapped in an unhealthy marriage but doesn't feel she can leave. She's looking after her parents, his parents, and as thanks for all that, her husband also expects her to look after him while he lounges about watching telly and going out with his friends. And now he's going on your family holiday and making lots of plans that don't include any of you.

MIL knows he doesn't want to sit with you, and she's covering for him. I feel sorry for her.

She's lucky you're trying to look out for her.

Forewarned is forearmed. You obviously don't like MILs DP - and from your description I don't blame you - and it seems like the feeling is entirely mutual.

It was a very kind gesture to pay for both of them to come, but it sounds like the DP wants and needs his own space . Don't put MIL in the awkward position of having to mediate between you - your DCs will see plenty of her when you're there.

Maybe it's best he doesn't sit near you.

As for MIL, clearly she can't be helped.

is this the trip to Disney World you're getting married at OP? Does MIL and SFIL know about the wedding as I'd be more anxious about his behaviour at that rather that seats on the plane. Did I read it right - he is getting spending money from his parents for the trip - does he not work?

My step father in law is like this. A miserable git who finds fault in everyone and everything and makes my MIL stressed and constantly worrying about what he'll say or do if something is not quite up to his standards. She's so relaxed and happy when he's not around.

He makes her feel guilty for seeing her friends and her grandchildren... He even had a sulk when she 'spent too much time' with her brother who had just lost his wife to cancer?!

He's not physically abusive but the control games he plays makes my blood boil. My lovely mil could do so much better - she's out of his league in every single way... I just don't get it.

We're going on holiday with them soon... I already know he'll moan about the food, the weather, the kids, etc. Sometimes I think he does it to cause an argument so he doesn't have to socialise with us and therefore make it difficult for mil. We don't bite back for that reason but I can see it upsets my DH when he sees his dm get treated so badly.

I have no advice, sorry! But I wanted to say I feel your pain!

No need for you all to sit together

YABU to worry where he sits - he'd rather be separate from the children when you traqvel and that's no big deal.

He sounds a bit of a pill, but don't let it get to you. And DEFINITELY get the mobility scooter, those parks are enormous.

As someone who has done a Disney holiday with in-laws, enjoy the peace apart!

Make sure you do have your own plans too and absolutely get your MIL a scooter.

Are you hiring separate cars when you get there ? Are you staying in a shared villa or hotel ?

@villa I get what you're saying that it can be tiring living with someone like that however with mil she just offers to do what she can to help no matter the impact on her... and I don't think of her as a martyr because she doesn't ever complain about her pain or complain about anybody.

As for the person saying we should pay for the mobility scooter, this holiday has been booked for over a year and we've paid the flights, hotel, park tickets and food for everyone so literally all they need is their spending money. And yes if they genuinely couldn't afford the scooter then fine, but like I said he's forking out a lot of money on a week away with his friends in the weeks before we go.

And of course, they know what Disney world entails and we didn't just book it without asking and confirming with them that they were happy to go and that they were comfortable with getting their spending money together

Oh well, I just kind of assumed that as a family board a plane the general goal is to sit together but clearly that's not what he wants and as precious posters have said, it's probably for the best.

She'll dfinitely need a scooter disney is alot of walking its the size of manchester

as for the seats id let that go but i would point out to them that they wont get those rows of two at the back on the day of check in they go very fast ive already pre booked mine for november and theres only one row left of them