To believe theres an increase in cocklodgers and men have lost their pride in providing?

[Thickums]

Just musing this to myself today.

There seems to be a steady increase in cocklodgers in modern day life. Not just on MN but real life too.

Since women have gained better equality in the workplace, a lot of men seem to be taking a back seat or opting out completely in providing. More than happy to let their wives and girlfriends pay the bills or watch them go broke paying for everything whilst they spend their earnings or 'fun stuff' even if they earn more.
They don't cringe or feel ashamed watching their wife struggle. Its baffling.

Its not just that.. But also the pride in providing seems to be gone? Before there was better working opportunities in the work place for women, men were the sole providers for a lot of families. This used to come with some level of pride for men. Most of them WANTED to provide and for their children to be able to do activities like sports, brownies, scouts etc. They were happy to put food on the table. They would be proud their wife was able to get her hair done if she wished and keep the house nice, cupboards full etc.
Now however a lot of men seem to treat their women with almost contempt if they need help financially or don't earn as much?

The thing i find interesting is that women that work and earn more than their spouse dont seem to harbour this same attitude. They're more than happy to provide for their families. They'll buy a new rug for the living room, new charcter bedding for the kids and pay for their swimming lessons out of their own money. They'll also buy their partners nice birthdays and christmas presents.

So its not a two way thing it seems.


I think whats most intriguing for me is that 'wife work' and the 'mental load' still seems to fall majorly to women. So a lot of men havent caught up with that yet. But at the same time most of those very same men still want modern day 50/50 finances. So they dont believe the home is their 'domain' but yet they don't want to be the 'provider' either. How does that make sense?

When i look at previous generations in my family, although my grandfather didn't lift a finger at home in terms of cooking, cleaning and childcare (which is wrong), he was a very proud man and was proud of the fact he was provided a good lifestyle for his family. He was happy for my gran to manage the finances and the kids to go on days out. He was proud he could give his family a lovely house and buy a car.
He would work lots of overtime to provide.
It seems it was the same for most men of that generation.

I could be talking complete bollocks. But be interested to hear your thoughts as to why mens attitudes have changed in this regard? Why is their an incresse I'm cocklodgers and resentment in providing?

YABU = there is no rise in cocklodgers/financially stingy men.

YANBU = there is a rise in cocklodgers and an increase in men not wanting to provide.

[Rosehip345]

For me personally I totally agree. This is the men in my family. Thank god my husband doesn’t share their views!
My dad just quit his job as he no longer liked it and didn’t work for five years. Apparently he wasn’t a scrounger though as he didn’t sign on 🤨 but was happy to let mum take on masses more hours and work like stink (because she had her time off...maternity leave!)
Two of my brothers are the same also and see maternity leave as the woman taking a vacation which apparently why the hell should they support their partners in having time off.

[PatellarTendonitis]

PatellarTendonitis - she’s actually lucky they are prepared to come to her.

Nah, I wouldn't call that lucky! They must think every woman is totally desperate.

[toomanyleggings]

@Inliverpool1 there most certainly is a lot of women doing this and they're not silly young girls, they're often educated, professional women pretending they're sexually empowered

[Supersimkin2]

im accused of being a journalist!! 😂😂I don't know my! My spelling is shite and grammar appaling.

Daily Mail lead features writer, then.

You're right OP - don't forget how many women collude in the cocklodger explosion. 'He's not working at the moment'; 'no one needs to provide for me, I'm an independent woman'; 'why should poor helpless little men be obliged to feed their DC'; 'no one expects women to work, double standards, etc'.

[Meruem]

A guy once asked me if I wanted to shave (you can guess where) and go over to his! What an offer! As tempting as it was, I declined.

I have totally given up on being with someone. What with them wanting someone to provide for their every need as well as being a porn star in bed. It’s all to much for very little reward. I have cats now. Ok they do cost me money and don’t earn anything, little catlodgers that they are! But they give me lots of love and really don’t demand too much!

[ThebishopofBanterbury]

Sorry but I agree op. My husband earned alot more than me for many years, but we always pooled our money together/bought property together etc. We are 40s/50s. By contrast my step daughter in her mid twenties is taken on nice holidays by her high earning long term partner, in which he pays, and then expects every penny back just like a loan. He also refuses to buy property with her as she doesn't have as much money to put in. He said he may buy a flat and she can pay him rent. I was aghast on being told this but her and her friends seem to think it's fine.

[Inliverpool1]

I’d knock my daughter into next week
If she was putting up with that Bishop. What on earth does she see in him ?

[TheBouquets]

I have watched some very dear female relatives working all sorts of hours doing jobs which have a certain amount of danger involved, they work long shifts in all weathers. Their partners do not work much if at all. I have had my own problems with a cocklodger and he didn't get to be around for long. I thought I had set a good example not to put up with rubbish. When I mentioned this I was told that they did not want to be single parents. I don't think that is the goal for many people but I would not want to be working while a partner was doing nothing. These partners don't "keep house" they even buy sandwiches to eat in the house rather than make a meal or snack and this must be paid for by the female partners.
Why do so many of the younger women of today put up with being treated in this way? I thought today's women were smarter than the women of a decade earlier.

[stouffer]

Dunno. I’d fucking love to be a house husband and have DW bring home the bacon. Isn’t going to happen though, for reasons that aren’t her fault in any way.

All I can say is that I took a career break about 20 years ago to renovate our house and after I’d finished I spent a couple of months derping around doing bits of writing and generally loafing. I felt guilty as fuck that she was supporting us and went out to get a job. The kids came along a year later and I’ve been the main and mostly sole breadwinner ever since. I think any male who keeps popping kids out and doesn’t provide for or nurture them is a half man who ought to be neutered.

[Meruem]

I don’t think we’ve made the gains that we like to think we have.

Ok in the “old” days it wasn’t illegal to rape your wife. But back then men didn’t expect things like anal or choking as part of a “normal” sex life and didn’t accuse you of being “vanilla” if you didn’t want those things.
We argue that a woman being made up in a pretty dress to greet her husband is so “50’s” and yet women are going to greater lengths than ever before to attract men. Lip fillers and fake boobs and asses and all the rest of it.
We won the right to work but are still expected to take care of all the wife work.
We were told that financially 50/50 is the right way to go then you see women posting on here all the time that their partners still expect 50/50 when the woman’s on maternity and has no income. Or higher earners leaving their partners broke because of the 50/50 rule.

And all of that is before you even get onto the subject of cock lodgers. For a large group of women, we have played completely into men’s hands. For some it’s worked out. Those who have been lucky enough to be with a man who’s moved with the times. Most men haven’t moved with the times, or at least only to their own benefit.

[slipperywhensparticus]

I think you have a point some men wear it as a badge of honour my ex stated on our divorce papers he shouldn't have to pay towards the divorce because he is unemployed and I have put him on child support (after five years of him dodging) he pays less than £7 a week for two kids 👏👏👏

I see men either moving on with women who have children so they dont have to pay child support or going on benefits and working under the counter

I DO however see men who work and provide for there children usually there wives work too unfortunately the only sahd I knew cheated I'm hoping he is not representing the population of sahd

[SandyY2K]

It's because too many women are desperate for any man, so they put up with it.

The men are as they are, because women accept it.

[HeIenaDove]

Also, the men who want women to pay their way on dates, and pay for their own drinks and meal, because ya know 'EQUALITY....'

But they don't seem to extend this 'equality' to household chores, and childcare, and generally pulling their weight around the home


Totally. Another poster @formerbabe and myself have pointed out several times on the "who pays on dates" thread that just because a man insists on splitting the bill it doesnt mean he believes in equality.

[PanicAndRun]

Most men haven’t moved with the times, or at least only to their own benefit.

That's men's fault, not women's or feminism.

[HeIenaDove]

@EoinMcLovesCakeJumper

[HeIenaDove]

Ive been an MNer since 2011 and time and time again ive seen "youve only been dating him for six months" "He doesnt owe you anything" Its none of your business" On numerous threads.

[CharlottesPleb]

The obligations of a traditional gender role are things you take pride in or they aren't.

Pick one and then match up with someone who broadly speaking agrees with you. Don't worry very much about what other people do.

[user1479305498]

YANBU Op, it’s definitely a thing, but a fair amount of young women too seeking a high earner so they can be a SAHM as soon as they possibly can. A fair old amount of work dodgers generally- of both sexes I would say

[karencantobe]

SAHM are caringh for young kids. That is not dodging work at all.

[NameChangeNugget]

I agree with @1479305498

Several of my friends couldn’t wait to get married & have children to stop working.

[karencantobe]

Yes they might want that lifestyle, but they have not stopped working.
I actually find it amazing in a site for parents that some posters are claiming that looking after young children is not work.

[UYScuti]

I think people respond to incentives, men and women (broadly speaking) equally have a capacity for behaving badly but men tend to have more opportunity to overtly express the darker sides of their natures

[karencantobe]

Incentives? What about wanting to treat your partner and kids well? That is always what I have tried to do. It is part of being a proper adult.

[dayslikethese1]

This is not true of the men I know (and certainly not my DP) but I read about it on MN all the time. Also the gap in household work/childcare is well documented so it would seem men as a whole do do less of it. Though those studies are usually self reported so how accurate they are I don't know. A lot of the women I know earn more than their partners/husbands but it goes the other way after children oftentimes.

[VenusTiger]

You’re generalising OP. All of the males in my family, my DH included, provide fully for their families.