12 year old doesn't do anything for himself

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

My 12 year old stepson has his head so far in the clouds (his phone/gaming) that he has to be told to do everything. Is this normal? He regularly forgets his packed lunch for school despite it being made for him and being put in the fridge every night. He goes in the fridge every morning for milk for his cereal but doesn't think to take the lunch out of the fridge and put it in his bag, unless someone tells him to. I told my husband last night that we should be teaching him to fend for himself instead of spoon feeding him all the time. He agrees but always ends up running round after him. Am I being unreasonable or is this what all 12 year old boys are like? I've never dealt with boys before, only girls.

My ds is like this (16 now). I stopped doing it for him and I got fed up of the Groundhog Day-ishness of it. For a year or so he would eat when he came home. Now he buys lunch at school.
We keep saying how he desperately needs to leave home when he goes to uni.

I'm so bad that I have a checklist on my front door for going to work.

The most detrimental thing I frequently forget is my keys. Got a new lock so I now need to lock the door after leaving. Prior to this, I locked myself out quite frequently.

As a child and teen I was exactly the same. I was so scatterbrained that I'd get in trouble quite often for not having the correct books/ worksheets etc. for classes. After one time too many, my friends would run through a checklist, have you got A, B &C.

I think it's a character trait, and no amount of repercussions helped me. As well as forgetting stuff, I was constantly losing stuff. I used to get such a bollocking from my DM.

I don't know why I'm like that, but my mind is always 'elsewhere'. Well, it's never where it should be at any rate!

I’m afraid I’m old school. If a secondary school pupil forgets things, then it’s up to them to deal with the consequences. If they forget their packed lunch, they should go hungry until tea time. If they forget their homework or PE kit, they do the detention.
Once they’ve actually suffered the consequences, they’re more likely to take responsibility for organising their life, and make more of an effort. And if they don’t, that’s their choice- they can’t come whining to mum or dad.
If someone always runs round after them sorting out their cock ups, there is absolutely no incentive for them to improve or learn from it.
These are not toddlers, they’re almost teenagers. I was responsible for babysitting the neighbours’ primary children by the time I was 12, and cooking my own dinner from 10. I raised my own DC to be independent and organised - essential, as I was widowed when they were babies and worked full time.

Babdoc - hear, hear - I’m glad someone agrees with me!

I agree babydoc. I don't think it is a big deal for a 12-year old to miss a lunch

I'm more surprised you have to chivvy a 16yo out of the door, tbh. At that age she should be getting herself up and out of the house with little to no input from you. What is it that she needs help with?

As for the 12yo it sounds normal - he's still young and can't be quite as independent as an older child. I agree with PP that it would take you two minutes to remind him and help him get sorted. He needs it more than the 16yo does.

I also don't get the argument that he's DH's son so he needs to sort it out. Surely you're a team and can work together? Why would you not help your 12yo stepson if he needed it?

If it's always been done for him, he knows no different. So if "you" want him to begin to take a better sense of responsibly then he needs to be taught.

That's not just "you should be remembering your lunch" it needs to be;

What do you need to remember
How are you going to ensure you do it
What can you do to help you remember
What can I do to support all of that happening.

When it then becomes a habit, it will change.

I told my husband last night that we should be teaching him to fend for himself instead of spoon feeding him all the time.

And yet this doesn't apply to your own, older, daughter getting herself out of the house on time?!

One of my kids was forgetful so I just let him get on with it🤷🏻‍♀️ If he forgot things it was his problem. How will they learn if you do it for them.

I wouldn’t bother making lunch for a 12 year old if they then don’t remember to take it to school. Stop making the lunches and stop worrying about it. It’s liberating.

FFS how many times do I have to say that I don't have to help my daughter get out on time?! It's more that we have a very specific schedule - I drive her to the bus stop for her school bus and if we are late, it inconveniences me by having to drive 10 miles in the wrong direction for work! She is perfectly capable of getting herself ready for the required time, as am I. But as I get up early enough as it is my schedule for getting myself ready is quite tight.

I can be a bit like that (or was) and it turns out I have ADHD. or at least the ADD bit. It can make you forgetful etc.

@Tfgjiknfr has a good suggestion- stop making them. If he has to make his own, I bet he'll be more likely to remember it.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 But how does your SS forgetting his lunch make you late though?

One of my sons is super organised and responsible. One is a day dreamer. Don’t make personality issues sex issues.

@aryastarkwolf it doesn't - it was more aimed at posters asking why I had to micromanage my daughter (I don't) and suggesting that I need to stand over my stepson while he gets milk out the fridge for his breakfast (I don't have time).

@chocolatesaltyballs22 ah ok. Honestly by what you've said neither his dad or his mother are that bothered so do yourself a favour and try and let it go because you're fighting a losing battle if you haven't got back up from them (and tbh it is a really common thing with kids that age)

Don't make it a gender thing

I agree. My 10 yo DD is the same and there are no signs of that changing any time soon.

FFS how many times do I have to say that I don't have to help my daughter get out on time?

Probably shouldn’t have given that as a reason you were unable to give your SS a simple reminder.

I ask my DC ‘are you sure you have everything you need’ before we leave and if they forget anything, that’s their own issue. They are younger than your step son. Maybe I’m harsh but I’m trying to teach them personal responsibility. They generally just get one reminder and if they forget then so be it, I don’t enjoy nagging.

Both sexes here, 15 yo DSS, 18 yo DD, at 12 they were both painfully hopeless!! 18 year old has been improving slowly, can now get herself up and out to college in the mornings with most of her stuff, but has still forgotten her lunch twice this week! 15 year old had to be reminded to put on shoes as we were leaving the house at the weekend, bless him...... to be honest, after many years of trying everything I've pretty much given up, and neither of them is in any danger of starving

I'll be 60 next birthday and wouldn't remember unless I leave out something to remind me

Eg if I have to pick things up on the way out I leave a list pinned to the back of the door or a post it on the stairs. Regular things need a list, unusual things just need something on the stairs to remind me to pick up something unusual.

Mostly i put things in the car/the bag etc the night before to be ready. Things out of the fridge to be added need a list unless they are in one pile in the fridge when a single FB post it saying fridge will do it.

Took me years to work out that I need to do this. Some people laugh at my system but it works for me.

Having some one remind me didn't help me do it on my own. Could you help him write a list the night before and then ask him next morning to read out the list

The question 'are you sure you have everything' isn't very helpful for me, as yes I won't remember what I need.

Hence lists etc.

Oh, I can do mental lists, but it takes a bit of time. These are for when I am with a group of people and supposed to be leading so that rifling through notes looks weak

A list of numbers, say 1 .. 10 , then associate each thing with a number by making some outrageous cartoon

1 one thumb - thumb plasters imagine an enormous thumb waving a plaster at me

The more outrageous the easier to remember.

It's not easy for everyone. Like some other posters I am dyspraxic and to remember to take my own packed lunch is hard enough and has taken years of total chaos. Up until recently I just bought lunch every day but the last week or so I've been trying really hard to do packed lunch to save money.

If you were to ask my parents how I was at school they'd have their heads in their hands before you finished asking- I was terrible. Yet, when I got work done, I got good grades etc. So please cut him some slack, I'm sure hes doing his best and y7 involves taking in a lot of new stuff! (As does, for other posters, being 16, another big step up in terms of responsibility and organisation)

He's year 8.... Said that already

and suggesting that I need to stand over my stepson while he gets milk out the fridge for his breakfast (I don't have time).

How is he supposed to learn if nobody helps him?

@WellTidy, I think we have the same son!
Actually, mine is not bad at losing things, so can't knock him for that!
OP, in fairness, as others have said, leave it to his dad. And you may not be micromanaging your 16 year old but you're still rushing round like a headless chicken making sure she gers her bus, so why are you not just leaving her to it and suffer the consequences?
I'd be more bothered about the 16 year old taking some responsibility, personally!