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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

12 year old doesn't do anything for himself

112 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 24/01/2020 13:06

My 12 year old stepson has his head so far in the clouds (his phone/gaming) that he has to be told to do everything. Is this normal? He regularly forgets his packed lunch for school despite it being made for him and being put in the fridge every night. He goes in the fridge every morning for milk for his cereal but doesn't think to take the lunch out of the fridge and put it in his bag, unless someone tells him to. I told my husband last night that we should be teaching him to fend for himself instead of spoon feeding him all the time. He agrees but always ends up running round after him. Am I being unreasonable or is this what all 12 year old boys are like? I've never dealt with boys before, only girls.

OP posts:
Shopkinsdoll · 24/01/2020 14:29

My 9 year old son is like this. It’s annoying and I hope he grows out of it. He goes to school camp soon So I’m getting worried 😦

CinderEmma · 24/01/2020 14:30

Totally normal in this house. I leave things on the stairs to be put away on DCs rooms and they walk right past them, I spend most mornings saying blazer, tie, lunches, teeth brushed. I'm actually considering turning the WiFi off in a morning to gee them up a bit

JeanMichelBisquiat · 24/01/2020 14:31

Don't make it a boy/girl thing: it's never that.

Not normal here with either 11 year old (who's admittedly always been very organised) or 8 year old (who's pretty away with the fairies). Rather than you doing the reminding, can you have a checklist by the front door - he could then be in charge of checking he has everything, rather than either him having to remember unprompted, or you having to prompt him.

You mention gaming/phone - I personally wouldn't be having that in the morning if he can't then focus.

NotALurker2 · 24/01/2020 14:33

"He's almost 13 and in year 8, so second year of high school. If he forgets his lunch his mum has topped up his school dinners account with an 'emergency fund' so there's no real incentive to remember it as he still gets something to eat."

Maybe he prefers the school meals....

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 24/01/2020 14:34

Or, watch every time he goes to get milk for breakfast and say "while you're there take your lunch out"

I'm never there when he's having his breakfast as I'm usually rushing around trying to get myself and a 16 year old out on time for work / the school bus, so quite frankly I have enough to think about!

OP posts:
Confrontayshunme · 24/01/2020 14:37

If it helps, I love to tell parents of airhead and scatterbraind that I couldn't even keep my shoes tied at age 12! I was so bad with homework forgetting that I almost failed math one year in middle school, and my parents were both teachers! However, now I can run numerous things at once, organise, administrate and multitask like a pro. Brains are weird and executive function is hard and takes time to mature. Also, there are some studies that say that gaming and screentime affect exactly that same part of the developing brain that helps us remember things in the short term that need to be repeated at intervals. I read that in a brain book but can't remember which one as I read loads. It was interesting. I would wait for screens as a cooldown technique after school.

Rowgtfc72 · 24/01/2020 14:41

Dd is nearly 13. We supervise bag packing the night before so pe kit/ pack up actually make it to school.
It's like having a toddler again with five minute reminders for everything.

TreeClimbingCat · 24/01/2020 14:44

My children have always had checklists, so they see it before they leave the house as it is on the front door.

That way they remember their PE kits too (no lockers at school)

It is hard to remember stuff so make it easy for them. They can write their own list. Sometimes we just stick a post-it-note on the door with something on it if it is a one off.

FabbyChix · 24/01/2020 14:45

I ran round after my kids that age they are now early thirties and mid twenties didn’t do them no harm

raspberryk · 24/01/2020 14:46

If you have to micromanage a 16 year old out the door then the 12 yo isn't the problem.

karencantobe · 24/01/2020 14:49

It just means the 16-year old has never had to face natural consequences.

TeeBee · 24/01/2020 14:50

My DS was like that at 12. By 13 he'd managed to sort himself out. It did take a wee bit of not bailing him out of little situations he'd got himself into but not much.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 24/01/2020 14:52

If you have to micromanage a 16 year old out the door then the 12 yo isn't the problem.

I don't have to micromanage her - I just mean that getting myself ready and making sure we're out the door on time takes up all of my morning energy when I'm half asleep! My husband should be managing his own son on a morning but the reality is that he's often tired as well so things get forgotten. My suggestion to him was that he makes his son more responsible for remembering his own stuff.

OP posts:
5zeds · 24/01/2020 14:55

Get up five minutes earlier.

lowlandLucky · 24/01/2020 14:56

Bottom line is he doesnt have to remember, if he forgets his lunch what happens ? Does he go hungry ? No, someone runs after him so that he doesnt go hungry, a week of no lunch will soon focus his mind.
At the age of 12 i had my 3 nephews to look after, i didnt forget lunch

StartAtNoonKeepOnGoing · 24/01/2020 14:57

If he forgets his lunch his mum has topped up his school dinners account with an 'emergency fund' so there's no real incentive to remember it as he still gets something to eat.

The lack of incentive is key, imo.

milliefiori · 24/01/2020 14:58

DS2 was like this. He has ADD. We had a checklist on the front door and made him go over it before he left the house. Now he;s very roganised but it took years and years of him forgetting everything every single day before the habits established themselves. It's not laziness, it's a genuine problem for some DC.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/01/2020 14:58

It's normal, lots of 12 year olds are like that, keep reminding him

AryaStarkWolf · 24/01/2020 15:00

Agree with those saying you have to get a 16 year old out in the mornings, surely she is capable of that herself?

karencantobe · 24/01/2020 15:05

I a still awful at remembering things when I have no real incentive. He has to experience some consequence of forgetting.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 24/01/2020 15:08

My 13 year old is hopeless at organising himself (although part of it is down to dyslexia with processing issues). He just doesn’t think things through or plan ahead and I have to confess it drives me potty. I know he can’t always help it, but he also doesn’t put the effort in. I don’t have any advice but you’re definitely not alone!

Hoolihan · 24/01/2020 15:08

Maybe he doesn't want the packed lunch? My 12yo is the same I'm afraid, totally away with the fairies.

NewYoiker · 24/01/2020 15:13

Christ I was horrendous at 11/12 Blush I lost money, my pe kit, my lunch, my books etc etc. Worst example I can think of..

I lost my lunch money so I had to use my bus money to eat and didn't think about how I was going to get home, told a teacher I was worried about getting home and got given the £1 I needed. Got on the bus and realised I'd left my pe kit or my school bag on the floor by my locker and just walked off and left it, so I jumped off the bus to get it, got it and the bus was gone...

It was parents evening so I thought I'd just piss about in corridors of school until my parents arrived and catch a lift home with them, I eventually saw them speaking to my science teacher and thought thank god I can go home.

Then I got back from my walk of the corridor again and they'd gone! I'd left my phone at home, so I couldn't ring them and I was stuck now at school Hmm

Eventually my parents got home and realised I wasn't there and realised I must have been classic newyoiker and was still at school, they found me walking home (15 miles) i wasn't too far from school and obviously had no coat Hmm

Now I will caveat this with I do have dyspraxia so disorganised is my middle name, but still that kind of takes the piss!

I always wish I could have shown my dad I managed to find coping strategies and im a nurse now but he never got to see that bit of me, he died less than 3 months later from
That parents evening fiasco.

But I did pull it together, I think for me the difference was moving across the country to where my mums family were, I suddenly went from a school that was huge and I was a small fish in a giant
Pond and very strict about everything, to a small school where I was a big fish In a little pond and I flourished. If I'd stayed at the huge school I would not have passed any of my exams I can guarantee that.

BrownSauceOfCourse · 24/01/2020 15:16

Yep - my nearly 12 year-old is the same. I just repeat myself endlessly hoping some of it will stick! Have you got your tie? Where's your blazer? Did you put the right books in your bag? Have you got your lunch? Are you going to put your shoes on? What about your coat? Have you got your phone? Isn't it time you were leaving? etc. He just wanders about looking genuinely surprised that the exact same things have to be done every day, bless him.
To be fair my 15 year-old was much the same at that age but is pretty organised now.

lotusbell · 24/01/2020 15:17

My DS12 is like this, I'm constantly encouraging him to take responsibility for himself - packing his bag, washing his mug etc. He can actually do quite a bit for himself, he is just lazy. My 12 year old step daughter is worse but she has grown up having everyone do things for her and so her first reaction is to ask. Will never forget when aged about 10, she got an easter egg which was in a simple cardboard box and asked her dad to open it. She hadn't even tried. And even worse, his immediate reaction was to take it off her and do it. I constantly have to tell him to let her try things for herself first otherwise she will never learn! Maybe time for some tough love haha

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