12 year old doesn't do anything for himself

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

My 12 year old stepson has his head so far in the clouds (his phone/gaming) that he has to be told to do everything. Is this normal? He regularly forgets his packed lunch for school despite it being made for him and being put in the fridge every night. He goes in the fridge every morning for milk for his cereal but doesn't think to take the lunch out of the fridge and put it in his bag, unless someone tells him to. I told my husband last night that we should be teaching him to fend for himself instead of spoon feeding him all the time. He agrees but always ends up running round after him. Am I being unreasonable or is this what all 12 year old boys are like? I've never dealt with boys before, only girls.

When they leave the house, he leaves the front door wide open.
She forgot her school bag the other day because she'd assumed I was carrying it for her
These made me chuckle, my 10 year old DS does exactly the same! Am constantly prodding and reminding him to do/remember/tidy stuff, hoping it'll eventually become habit. Thankfully he's not yet accused me of nagging him!!!

Sorry that was a very long vent

take the phone away. He gets it back when he has remembered his lunch every day unprompted for a week. If he still doesn't bother, stop the school lunch for a day or two.

He's well within the range of normal for his age, probably slightly on the ADHD-ish side, but that is sooo far from abnormal. I was like this, for years and years and years. Probably by age 15 I started to grow up a bit and pull it together. Now I am in my 30s and have a reputation for being "switched on" at work.

He still needs shepherding, I don't think your H can just not help him of a morning. Nothing comes of using a "sink or swim" approach on a kid who is away with the fairies. They will sink instantly. And develop a sense that they are shit at everything.

12yo Ds doesn’t forget things In the morning, but he is very very messy. Leaves his school books spread across the kitchen, dining table and coffee table, despite having one magazine file per subject on shelves next to the kitchen. Leaves his pyjamas on the floor of his bedroom and doesn’t make his bed.

He always sees the aim of homework as being to finish it, not to do his best work or a good job. Just to finish so that he can go back to tv, console, chatting etc.

He also loses things - this academic year he has lost a pair of rugby shorts, a watch, a rugby sock, school sock and a ruler.

On the plus side, he has yet to miss the school coach in the morning g or afternoon, and his attendance record is 100%.

There’s always something with all kids.

take the phone away. He gets it back when he has remembered his lunch every day unprompted for a week. If he still doesn't bother, stop the school lunch for a day or two.

That seems really mean he's just a child, also I doubt they even have him for a week since he's a SS and the OP mentioned his mother so presumably he spends time there too (maybe more time there)

Dd in Year 6, got herself up and out in the morning.
Year 7 not so much!

Yeah, checklist required. Some adults are like this and it's annoying for others but hard to change. Does he not like the sarnies?

Put a note inside a shoe. Big enough to be uncomfortable if he tries to put his shoe on. If he chooses to ignore it it’s his problem but he does need to start remembering his own crap!

Just to reinforce, my 16 year old doesn't need micro-managing on a morning. Yeah she occasionally forgets the odd thing, my point was more around having to get out of the house at a specific time or she will miss the school bus and I would have to drive her 10 miles in the wrong direction for my work to school!

Also: 'get up 5 minutes earlier' - really??! I get up at 6.20. I'm damned if I'm getting up any earlier than that because a 12 year old can't remember his lunch and his dad forgets to remind him! Someone else has to do some of the thinking in our house other than me!

My 12 year old son is the same. I'm constantly saying 'hang your blazer up' - after he's dropped it on the floor, have you packed your PE kit etc., The picking up elves don't visit this house any more so he's well aware that I will deliberately step over the blazer rather than pick it up myself - it's his and he should take care of it.

But I remember being his age (just) or, rather, I remember my mum saying on Friday evening 'where's your PE kit' and all of us scrambling around to get the PE kit out of our bags where they'd stayed for the two or three days since the lesson. And rushing around on Monday morning trying to find our biology folders or english books because we hadn't taken notice of mum saying 'pack your bags' on Sunday.

I'm now pretty organised, tidy (ish) and manage to run a small business and work in an office job without getting too many things dropping off the horizon. So I grew out of it, he will too. I hope....

@chocolatesaltyballs22 just let his dad worry about it then. Why are you letting it get to you? It's no skin off your nose, is it?

It is pretty normal but you can work on it. I think the noteboard at the door is a good start. We also ask DD what she needs to take before she leaves, first for her to recount so it sinks better in instead of us always saying it, secondly for her to realise that there is something she forgot.

It gets better I swear. Baby steps but we go there.

Phone alarm is also working pretty good but it can mean they rely too much on it.

Just had a thought after hitting post. Does he have phone/gaming before school? I’d suggest cutting that out if so. Used to let mine watch telly with breakfast before getting dressed for school and OMG it was so chaotic when it was time to leave. Things forgotten, always late.

If you aren't part of his morning why do you care?

also, if he is splitting time between yours and his moms house it's going to be harder to be consistent in getting him to remember. Most kids his age are like this though OP, he's not unusual

my DS was fine, my DD is like that though. I had to put an alarm on the door as she needed to be the last one to leave the house and kept forgetting to close it!

I think you just need to put in place measures to help - checklists, things that don't take a lot of effort but help him to get used to things as a routine. For lunch get him to start making it, can help him to not forget the next day and gets him into a good routine of being responsible for his morning/lunch stuff on school days.

Make him a checklist for mornings and then for evenings with chores etc. Then leave it. He will think it's babyish but in my experience they start to forget less.

I remember reading in some parent self help book that most of the children who lose things or forget things, do so because there is always someone else i.e.. Mum, there to do the remembering for them.

couple of other things that help with DD.

• put the lunch box in front of the milk before you leave so he can't avoid it - and remind him to put it in his bag straight away before getting the milk.

• if he has an iphone, use screen time to block it off (except whatever app you use if you need to message him) for the 30 minutes between breakfast and leaving for school - so he doesn't have easy distractions and might actually think about the day ahead. I assume Android has similar options too

My DS is 14 and still like that. He does have a tidy room though.

My DD 12 is much more organised at everything. She organises things the night before, hands me school forms to sign, everything. Her room is an absolute mess most of the time, due her 'creativity'

Well my 11yo boy is exactly like this. We are currently having major dramas over it. He doesn't think for himself at all. He is extremely disorganised and forgetful.

I have tried lots of things, nothing seems to work, I suspect it's perfectly normal.

I’m quite surprised at all the excuses being made for teenagers on this thread. There seems to be a lot of enabling of lazy/forgetful behaviour from parents.
I make my dd’s packed lunch in the morning and take it out before we leave for school but she’s 8! Everything else she does herself. I lay out all my dc’s uniforms the night before but that’s it. All school equipment, snacks, pe kits and getting out of the door on time to catch the school bus is their own responsibility. If they miss the bus they have to walk to the station and get the train. I also don’t allow gaming/looking at phone before leaving the house in the morning - once they’re on their way, fine.
Why would a child arrange/remember things for themselves if they have someone doing it for them? Getting them to be responsible for organising themselves is good practice for life IMO.

Sounds pretty normal to me 🤣

I get dd1 to set alarms on her phone to remind her to do things, I often have to remind her to take her lunch and I still have to remind her to brush her teeth some days.

@Lovemusic33 I still do that for myself, set alarms to remind myself not to forget things :p

When I was in secondary school I used to make my own lunch but needed much prompting, including brushing my hair. A San adult I still often forget my lunch - female.