Husband not paying his share of rent/ expenses

[Chrissyho]

Since I met my husband and we've been together for 12 years now (married for 4), we have never had a joint bank account. Is this weird? He will happily let me pay for rent and all the house expenses. I am employed and he is self-employed. I am on a fixed salary, whilst he isn't.
This has made my life so difficult and very difficult for me to know what he is earning and how much money he is bringing in. My parents are appalled that I have no idea how much he is earning. But I don't! He will sometimes bring in just enough money to cover half the rent (if he does - sometimes he says "But I brought in more last month to cover for this month as well! And leaves me to dry.), whilst I work full time.
I always have to put up with his excuses on why he has not given me enough money to pay for this or that. Apparently, he has a lot of debts on his credit cards so he needs to pay the fees for those. I have no idea what his expenses are and he would often HIDE money from me or keep cash that I have no idea he has. He has full access to my account. If he puts any money into my account, he will then transfer it back to his by the end of the month or at least some of it.
Whilst I earn a decent salary, we have a lot of expenses since our little one came along. He would also often give his family money (and I have no idea until he slips and tells me or I find out from other sources.) and I feel like I have to pay for everything and I feel like this is so unfair. He knows how I feel but continues to do exactly the same things over and over again. Since my maternity leave we have been in a very difficult financial situation and I feel like I am working just to pay our debts. He is also working more now after a big argument about how he is not pulling his weight enough. The problem I have now with him is that if I buy myself something (clothes, cosmetics etc) he would tell me off for "spending money". I feel that I should be entitled to spend some money on myself since I am working for them. He feels that my money is his money and I should consult him before. I HATE that I have to justify myself to him. I honestly don't know how to fix our finances. Is anyone in the same kind of boat? Can anyone relate/ help with some advice?

In the time you’ve been together why has it always been you paying for the rent and bills by yourself? Have you never discussed it until now?

Trade him in. LTB.

Divorce the freeloader

I moved into his house for a number of years when he was flat sharing and he was the one paying the rent. I was not contributing at all with anything. Is it not different now though? As we are married now.

Divorce the fucker. You will ne much better off in the long run.
Stop him having access to your back account.
He is taking the piss and will never stop.

Well most married couples split the expenses unless one parent is unable to work or looking after children, it might be that one pays slightly more if their income is higher than the other. But your scenario isn’t typical.

*partner

Yes it's weird. If you are married, and particularly once you have dependents, then you are a family unit. All earnings into one pot - bills and essentials come out first, then joint savings - if there is enough left over you get equal 'spending money' to save or spend as you wish.
How have you spent 12 years with him being dishonest about money?

What the fuck...you don’t know how much he earns? He wants you to consult him before spending your own money, which he regularly takes from you?

No, I can’t relate. This is completely screwed up and you need to leave. Honestly, he is not normal, this is not normal.

I’d take away the access he has to your account. Work out monthly out goings and tell him he needs to provide half and if he doesn’t I’d think about the relationship

You need to change your bank account and keep the details to yourself,do not give him access.
Write out your expenses and give it to him and tell him you want half in cash,he has no respect for you at all my husband has always made sure I have enough personal monies for make-up etc and I have always made sure I have a clothing allowance,things like petrol and car costs come out of a saving account which we both put into (when I remember) or show him the door you would be far better off financially if you did.

yep incredibly unhealthy and weird. Why are you putting up with this

Despite all of this, he is the BEST DAD ever. I just want him to work for our family more and stress for us instead of me being the "brains" all the time. I would often sit and think of ways to make more money or spend less on bills, switch suppliers etc etc. I want HIM to do this. I am tired and I want to focus on my little one instead of our finances. When he brings in money he would say things like "I knew this would make you happy", like I am some kind of leisure lady who only cares about money. I do care about money, but it is only because we don't have enough of it.

This is just plain weird.

You need to completely separate your bank account from him. Then open a joint one where you both contribute an equal amount and ALL household bills and expenses come from (including expenses for your wee one)

OP I highly doubt he is the BEST Dad ever with that attitude but I will bite exactly why do you think this. Because in the next sentence you say you want him to think of the family more. Which is not being a good dad at all

Leaves you paying all the bills, not transparent about his income and expenses but gives you shit for buying anything for yourself? Careful OP, this sounds like the slippery slope to financial abuse to me.
Have a look at what he costs you. Could you rent somewhere smaller alone? Drop in bills, council tax etc without his usage. Food. Wouldn’t count on child maintenance though, he sounds the type to work the system to swerve it. You might even feel that freedom, full financial control and ditching the stress of his debts are worth it on their own merit.

@Quartz2208 He is looking after the little one during the week since I went back from maternity, whilst I am at work. But our little one started nursery now so he can work again.

He feels that my money is his money and I should consult him before.

He sounds more than a little bit abusive.

What was your dad like that you think this man is the best dad ever?

He feels that my money is his money and I should consult him before.

In that case, his money is also your money and you should a. know exactly how much of it there is, where it's being spent and b. you are perfectly within your rights to say that there needs to be more of it.

Best dad ever ? Sheesh.

Good dads pay for their kids’ expenses

You'll never get child maintenance from him. He is a cheap skate. And self employed so he will just lie about what he earns.

He is a shit dad. A shit husband. A shit person. Change your password on your bank account immediately as well and don't let him have it again. Change every password you can actually, even email.

Why are you allowing him free access to your bank account whilst allowing him to be secretive with his earnings , debts etc

I think you’re being incredibly naive.
It sounds like a ticking time bomb to me!

If you want to stay with him which I suspect you do given he's a good dad apparently then you need to do what I did. Sit him down and write out exactly what your incomings and outgoings are, force him to do the same (he will surely be embarrassed so should comply) then compare.

I did this with my dh and he was horrified that I was paying more than him in outgoings yet he was earning more. I think he thought food was only costing me about £40 a week for three people and a dog 🙄. He conveniently forgot that I also paid all the insurances for the house etc and most of ds's clothes.

We've since evened things out to make it fair and that is exactly what you should be doing.