Husband not paying his share of rent/ expenses

[Chrissyho]

Since I met my husband and we've been together for 12 years now (married for 4), we have never had a joint bank account. Is this weird? He will happily let me pay for rent and all the house expenses. I am employed and he is self-employed. I am on a fixed salary, whilst he isn't.
This has made my life so difficult and very difficult for me to know what he is earning and how much money he is bringing in. My parents are appalled that I have no idea how much he is earning. But I don't! He will sometimes bring in just enough money to cover half the rent (if he does - sometimes he says "But I brought in more last month to cover for this month as well! And leaves me to dry.), whilst I work full time.
I always have to put up with his excuses on why he has not given me enough money to pay for this or that. Apparently, he has a lot of debts on his credit cards so he needs to pay the fees for those. I have no idea what his expenses are and he would often HIDE money from me or keep cash that I have no idea he has. He has full access to my account. If he puts any money into my account, he will then transfer it back to his by the end of the month or at least some of it.
Whilst I earn a decent salary, we have a lot of expenses since our little one came along. He would also often give his family money (and I have no idea until he slips and tells me or I find out from other sources.) and I feel like I have to pay for everything and I feel like this is so unfair. He knows how I feel but continues to do exactly the same things over and over again. Since my maternity leave we have been in a very difficult financial situation and I feel like I am working just to pay our debts. He is also working more now after a big argument about how he is not pulling his weight enough. The problem I have now with him is that if I buy myself something (clothes, cosmetics etc) he would tell me off for "spending money". I feel that I should be entitled to spend some money on myself since I am working for them. He feels that my money is his money and I should consult him before. I HATE that I have to justify myself to him. I honestly don't know how to fix our finances. Is anyone in the same kind of boat? Can anyone relate/ help with some advice?

Friends of mine sorted out their finances after a similar amount of time. But in their case the unfair situation had occurred by accident/habit rather than one deliberately hiding money from the other.

What I’m saying is, you can sort out your family finances if you both want to be honest and make it work.

The classic Mumsnet baseline is that you should both have the same amount to spend on extras.

So you add up your incomes.
Work out your total outgoings (bills, rent, food, savings etc)
Subtract the second number from the first.
Split the remainder between you.

Obviously you can only do that if you know what he’s earning and spending, and vice versa. This will take an open conversation probably with bank statements in front of you.

I don't know how much money my partner has or earns and he doesn't know how much I have or earn. We've been together 12 years so it's not that unusual.

He's a shit dad.

I suggest you plan to leave him.

His debts total to £4,000

Well, if he's not paying his share of rent, bills and expenses, what the hell is he spending this money on? (Which is not his money, which he now owes, with interest).

Wake up OP, he's having an easy ride and he knows it. And you've totally enabled it. You keep asking the same question... what to do about it. You've already been given the answer several times.

Sit down with a spreadsheet and write down all income and outgoings and mark which are his and which are yours. Talk about it. Stop just brushing everything under the carpet and magically hoping it will get better.

This man will bleed you dry, drag down your credit rating and could end up leaving you homeless and penniless if you carry on like this.

Take action, now.

You should have a joint account for household expenses and he should be more open about his finances

To move forward, you need to work out where you are financially as a couple. So you both need to get statements for all bank accounts, credit cards, savings and loans (including loans to and from family).

You then work out what your monthly income and outgoings are, and what to do about shortfall / excess. If you need more help, I'd go to the Money Saving Expert forums. They are great at helping people sort out their debts, cut back and generally sort themselves out financially.

This will of course involve your husband being honest and up front about his income and debts. He will also have to agree to prioritise your immediate family financially, unless you both are happy that there is enough spare income to sub his other relatives.

Given that you've said what a great partner and Dad he is, hopefully he will be happy to co-operate with this. I've had a partner that lied about money. I never found any way to get him to stop. He did try but almost immediately went back to his old habits of selfish spending and covering it up (badly) with lies. I hope you are more successful.

Openness, honesty and balancing financial, caring and other contributions are key to being a good parent and partner.

You need to see his books, tax returns, bank accounts and credit check.
Then you move need to look at what is coming in to the household and what is going out.

Despite all of this, he is the BEST DAD ever

Again with the low bar for this one.

The best dad doesn’t hide finances and expect his wife to pay for everything.

You need to agree rules around money that apply to both of you.

• Who has access to your individual finances? Do you both have access to each others', or do neither of you have access to each others'?

• Do you need to consult each other on individual purchases? Either you both do, or neither of you do.

• What % of the bills should you each pay per month? I would ask how much he earnt overall last year and divide that in 12 for monthly income. (If his money fluctuates, he should overpay in good months to provide a buffer in poor months.) If he won't tell you what he earns, then I would suggest you pay bills 50:50.

Not another one..........

Why DO women put up with such utter shit treatment?

I bet he owes loads of money. You need to find out

So it's always been this way since you married and you didn't think that the child related expenses would fall on you?

If nothing else you should have discussed this before you had a baby. It's a lot harder to leave when you have kids.

Read my story, it is even worse. After 10 y of marriage, the law is that he gets half no matter if it is all yours or gift from your parents. My husband of 18 y, never contributed to any bills ( he walks dogs once a day that’s all he can be bother to do). If I divorce him, he is classed as destitute and I have to give him half of everything I made during this time. I am terrified of this injustice but the lawyers say women & men have the same rights ( if he was a woman that didn’t work, he would get half of the husbands money). So I just bit my heart & continue status Quo

I can answer for myself. I have been conditioned since birth to give & sacrifice. Now in my 50s I want to stop but it has a very huge price

If you’re not ready to leave yet you’re not ready but you need to be prepared to leave if you actually want change.

You need to demand the following or walk

• Full disclosure of all income, debts, accounts etc.
• Budget of all household and family expenditure inc. debt repayments
• Go to debt counselling together if needed such as Citizens Advice Bueru, they can help negotiate payments down on your behalf and make a budget etc.
• Plan in place for him to pay down his debt, half of any joint debt and half of all household and family expenses, this could be a set amount transferred to you each month or a joint account you both put into and expenses come out of

This is an old thread just FYI - @saddoctor is spamming lots of zombie threads