Husband not paying his share of rent/ expenses

[Chrissyho]

Since I met my husband and we've been together for 12 years now (married for 4), we have never had a joint bank account. Is this weird? He will happily let me pay for rent and all the house expenses. I am employed and he is self-employed. I am on a fixed salary, whilst he isn't.
This has made my life so difficult and very difficult for me to know what he is earning and how much money he is bringing in. My parents are appalled that I have no idea how much he is earning. But I don't! He will sometimes bring in just enough money to cover half the rent (if he does - sometimes he says "But I brought in more last month to cover for this month as well! And leaves me to dry.), whilst I work full time.
I always have to put up with his excuses on why he has not given me enough money to pay for this or that. Apparently, he has a lot of debts on his credit cards so he needs to pay the fees for those. I have no idea what his expenses are and he would often HIDE money from me or keep cash that I have no idea he has. He has full access to my account. If he puts any money into my account, he will then transfer it back to his by the end of the month or at least some of it.
Whilst I earn a decent salary, we have a lot of expenses since our little one came along. He would also often give his family money (and I have no idea until he slips and tells me or I find out from other sources.) and I feel like I have to pay for everything and I feel like this is so unfair. He knows how I feel but continues to do exactly the same things over and over again. Since my maternity leave we have been in a very difficult financial situation and I feel like I am working just to pay our debts. He is also working more now after a big argument about how he is not pulling his weight enough. The problem I have now with him is that if I buy myself something (clothes, cosmetics etc) he would tell me off for "spending money". I feel that I should be entitled to spend some money on myself since I am working for them. He feels that my money is his money and I should consult him before. I HATE that I have to justify myself to him. I honestly don't know how to fix our finances. Is anyone in the same kind of boat? Can anyone relate/ help with some advice?

I was in a similar position with my EXH and he knew everything about my finances and I knew nothing about his. Fast forward to the end of our relationship and I had to repay £30k worth of debt I didn't run up, or indeed know anything about, as my half of what he created. Thank you 'matrimonial debt'. It has taken me yearssssss to recover from. Don't be a mug about this. Get some clarity or get out.

I can see how annoying this would be especially him being so secretive but you say you moved in with him and didn't contribute at all for for a number of years so 🤷‍♀️

OP your problem is that you see him doing basic parenting tasks as being the best dad ever. You need to stop thinking of these things as above and beyond and basic things. So he was a SAHD and now the child is at nursery

@Chrissyho "He knows how I feel but continues to do exactly the same things over and over again."

Yes, he does. But why would he change? Because you don't so anything to stop it so where is his incentive to do anything but keep taking the piss?

He's always done this. So why you married and had a child with him is baffling.
And you're now fucked.
Because if you stay, he'll never change.
And if you go, this 'best dad ever' will fudge his salary and you'll get pennies for your child.

You've obviously no intention of leaving and this situation will never change.
So at least stop being a deluded mug and stop his access to your finances.

Take some responsibility OP. If this was just your life and you choose it, then crack on. But your have a child and you need to start sorting your shit out for them.

Stop accepting this and strive for better.

Oh, they're always the best dads ever!

Why did you ever allow this situation to develop in the first place? He feels that my money is his money. The Married Women's Property Acts were 1870/1882.

Hes not the best dad ever OP and sounds like the total opposite of a catch. The best dad ever wouldnt be taking financial advantage of his DC's mother nor 'telling her off' for spending her own bloody money while he doesn't chip in all the while making no plans to share finances to save for the future of his children.

Being a stay at home dad is fine of course but it seems that he will always be doing whatever is less work because he knows he's set himself up a good'un with a wife who will always pay for everything and let him not be accountable.

No idea why you're putting up with this OP, I you need to assert yourself demand to see his finances and share them going forward if you want to carry on with him. If he wont do this then jesus he must have an awful lot to hide. Does he even definitely earn money or is he accumulating huge amounts of debt in your names/secures on the property? The thought is terrifying

So he's magically now looking after the child whilst you've gone back to work?
Well that's you stuffed then I think, he's set you up op, he'll be getting the child benefit at some point, and if you split it's going to be him as primary carer and you paying him maintenance.

Why on earth did you agree to marry and have a child with him in this situation? And why have you suddenly realised this might not be normal after 12 years?

The best dad ever doesn't financially abuse his partner, the best dad ever gives everything he has to his family and wouldn't dream of behaving like this.

You dont know what to do? Set up a joint account that you both put money into each month for family and joint expenses. Then you can both keep your own accounts for other money if you have any. His behaviour is unbelievable, so selfish.

It always astonishes me how people come on here saying my husband fleeces me and I've been letting it happen for yonks what can I do about it yet in the next breath justifies it by saying he's a great dad. It's almost like they want the advice but then isn't really prepared to do anything about it.

Op, please come back and tell us you've told your freeloading husband that unless he pays his share that you'll have to reconsider your marriage. It does sound like a sensible conversation isn't something he'll understand. He sounds extremely entitled.

Why have you put up with this for so long?

Change bank accounts so dh can't access them then LEAVE HIM!

Just slightly going against the grain here but literally yesterday there was a thread from a female op who's husband denied her access to the main account and said when they have kids and she's on ML he would give her a set amount each month. There were over 20 pages of replies saying a married couple should have free access to all funds, but here the op is being told she should immediately stop his access to 'her' money. I completely agree that she should not have to justify spending, unless its a huge purchase in which case it would be a discussion in most households, and he should most definitely be being transparent with his own situation, but I don't agree they should immediately separate the finances, especially if he is still doing some of the childcare around his self employed hours.

I think dropping in that he was a sahm dad was pretty disingenuous.
How long is the child at nursery for each day?

“Best dad ever” = he’s a shit dad and a shit husband but I have a low bar because my dad was worse, he pays lip service to being a good dad by making a few sentimental gestures from time to time and I am scared at the prospect of breaking up with him.

OP I understand why it’s difficult and no one would blame you for being scared but the first step here is to be honest with yourself. He’s not a good dad if he is financially abusive.

So your money is his and his money is his...... I am appalled that the man has no self respect and is happy to watch his wife pay for him whilst he accrues debts and doesn't pay towards the family expenses. What exactly is he spending his money on if he has credit card debts?

WHY THE HELL CAN HE TRANSFER MONEY OUT OF YOUR ACCOUNT???

DH and I don't have a joint bank account, but I tally up bills plus food monthly and tell him what to pay me and he does. It works, it's simple. So it isn't like you have to share finances. But you do have to have a husband who considers himself a partner rather than some guy living off his wife.

And he isn't the BEST day ever for looking after his own child. Plenty of parents do that every day, being a SAHP isn't anything special, and in this instance seems to be an excuse to not financially provide

We have our own accounts, but all of our bills etc get paid from a joint one. We both know how much the other earns, puts in the joint pot, saves and has for spends. Your husband is taking the piss and why you married him I don't know.

Open a completely new account for yourself and have your salary go in there. Add his name to the account you already have and which he has access to and designate that as your joint family account. All family outgoings to come from there. Both of you put in money - you can decide on a proportion based on income or whatever you deem fair making sure both have spending money left in your private accounts. Reassess after a few months. If his income is more irregular adjust accordingly so it evens out.

You need to change your account details so that he no longer has access to it immediately. Then it's ultimatum time I'm afraid and I'm not saying this lightly at all. He needs to be transparent about finances and you need a joint account for all outgoings into which he pays his share. This may not be 50% if he earns less than you but he should be willing to sit down and discuss it. If he's already hiding stuff from you though I'm not sure what will change his attitude. He clearly has a dysfunctional relationship with money and not much respect for you or your marriage.

You say he is self employed. What does he do?

You are being financially abused here.

There were over 20 pages of replies saying a married couple should have free access to all funds, but here the op is being told she should immediately stop his access to 'her' money

Seriously?! Because he’s not giving her access to his money! Don’t make this into a Poor Men thread, there are big differences.

OP, I can’t work out if you’re being a walk over, or completely unfair. If he’s a stay at home dad, then obviously you’re going to be paying the majority of the bills, although he should still be transparent about the money he does have.

If however he’s been earning more than you, and the stay at home dad thing was just for a couple of months, then you’re an absolute doormat. Why on earth does he get access and control over your money, but he doesn’t have to share his? Why are you being so passive in this?

He’s financially abusing you. He’s not the best dad ever when he’s fleecing you for money. Find this very bizarre why have you allowed him to get away with it for years? divorce him and don’t allow him access to your money!

Sahp rules. I’d look into those if I were you. Do not allow that to happen.

As PP have said, as you are married, his debt is also your debt and you need to know exactly how much that is. It affects your credit rating and ability to borrow should you need to.

You also need to know exactly what he's earning and he needs to be contributing to the household.

Again, do not allow him access to your bank account. Since you don't work on a 'one pot/family money' system then you are under no obligation to consult him/seek his permission to make any purchases. This is 'your' money, not joint money (his choice to have it that way) which means that you can spend your earnings as you please.

He can't have it all ways but to be honest, it doesn't sound likely that he will change. Don't allow him to take advantage of you like this and don't put yourself in a financially vulnerable position by not demanding answers (and proof) regarding his income and debts.