Husband not paying his share of rent/ expenses

[Chrissyho]

Since I met my husband and we've been together for 12 years now (married for 4), we have never had a joint bank account. Is this weird? He will happily let me pay for rent and all the house expenses. I am employed and he is self-employed. I am on a fixed salary, whilst he isn't.
This has made my life so difficult and very difficult for me to know what he is earning and how much money he is bringing in. My parents are appalled that I have no idea how much he is earning. But I don't! He will sometimes bring in just enough money to cover half the rent (if he does - sometimes he says "But I brought in more last month to cover for this month as well! And leaves me to dry.), whilst I work full time.
I always have to put up with his excuses on why he has not given me enough money to pay for this or that. Apparently, he has a lot of debts on his credit cards so he needs to pay the fees for those. I have no idea what his expenses are and he would often HIDE money from me or keep cash that I have no idea he has. He has full access to my account. If he puts any money into my account, he will then transfer it back to his by the end of the month or at least some of it.
Whilst I earn a decent salary, we have a lot of expenses since our little one came along. He would also often give his family money (and I have no idea until he slips and tells me or I find out from other sources.) and I feel like I have to pay for everything and I feel like this is so unfair. He knows how I feel but continues to do exactly the same things over and over again. Since my maternity leave we have been in a very difficult financial situation and I feel like I am working just to pay our debts. He is also working more now after a big argument about how he is not pulling his weight enough. The problem I have now with him is that if I buy myself something (clothes, cosmetics etc) he would tell me off for "spending money". I feel that I should be entitled to spend some money on myself since I am working for them. He feels that my money is his money and I should consult him before. I HATE that I have to justify myself to him. I honestly don't know how to fix our finances. Is anyone in the same kind of boat? Can anyone relate/ help with some advice?

I believe I should explain this better.

I feel like, not knowing him at all, I have shed the worst light on him. He is working as an estate agent and can work in the evenings after I come home, he can leave for viewings. Whilst the baby sleeps, he is also working. Also, he does this at the weekends.

I want to make it absolute clear that I do NOT want to divorce him! I know he has his faults and many of your would think they are UNFORGIVABLE, but I am trying to find a solution to our financial situation and not to our relationship.
He has seen me at my worst and I have seen him and we have stuck together all this time. We were quite young when we met 19 and 20) and when we first got together he was the one paying rent and bills etc. He supported me when I went to uni (OK, I had my grant but he was the one still paying rent, bills and going out). I don't feel this justifies his behaviour NOW especially as we have a baby together, but what I was asking is where should I start fixing our finances?

How does anyone start again since we have been together so long and I accepted all this to happen? I have accepted our financial situation because we were young, him having access to my account just didn't bother me at the time. I am ready to put a stop at this now and fix our finances. Thanks for everyone who takes the time to reply.x

Self employed is he. Good luck in getting any fairness from him in paying for stuff ... unless it's things he wants and if the shoe was on the other foot, he would be making you contribute.

I suggest you should start gathering fin information as a covert operation and key documents. I totally agree he would not pay maintenance until the very last moment and then it will be like getting blood from a stone. My advice is to prune him from your life as soon as you can and he can go on being a good dad, nothing stops that.

But there is no magic wand.
All you can do it is talk to him and make changes from your side - such as remove access to your account and open a shared account for all bills that you both have to put half into each month. He sees your money as joint, and his money as only his at the moment.

If I were you, I'd proceed as follows:

Sit him down and find out exactly what he earns and how much debt he has.

Open a joint account and agree a sum that each of you will transfer into the account each month (this amount doesn't need to be equal but should be proportionate to individual earnings).

Devise a plan for reducing existing debts - X amount to credit cards, X amount to loans, etc. per month.

If he is unwilling to disclose his income/debts to you then you really are fighting a losing battle. If this does turn out to be the case then you have 2 choices - call the relationship a day or accept his decision and carry on the way you are (which will leave you extremely resentful and unhappy in the long run, as well as vulnerable).

In reality he pays for nothing, puts £ into your account for bills etc then transfers it back out!
Sit him down ask for all his outgoings/income and get a budget drawn up, you need to know what he earns and what he owes, he sounds useless with money and you need to take charge here and clear the debts. If he’s useless and secretive I’d be saying it’s your way of managing or out he goes, you’ll never get ahead like this.
he is the BEST DAD ever why is this always trotted out when in reality he’s far from it, a good dad doesn’t leave his child and wife struggling to get by or control what she buys. Stop kidding yourself.

Sounds like my ex marriage. He didn't pay bugger all towards our family, we had 3 kids, he was self employed too with own account snd would always have an excuse to why he couldn't pay anything. I told him things had to change now or I'm off. He didn't change, so I left. Good riddance.

I see the MN double standard is alive and well on this thread.

Self-employed, fluctuating income DW: "all money is family money! You should have equal access to it", "If he is earning more than you, no way should you be splitting costs 50/50", "This is financial abuse"

Self-employed, fluctuating income DW: "take away the access he has to your account", "tell him he needs to provide half", "divorce the fucker"

@Hont1986
Not sure it’s ever been anyone’s golden standard for one member of a couple to treat their bill’s contribution as optional spending on their part but then also feel authorised to pick apart the spending of the person actually paying the bills, while simultaneously hiding their own income and debts
Either do the family money thing with the one pot and total transparency, what’s mine is yours etc OR maintain separate finances but each have fixed responsibilities and contributions.
What’s happening here is a horrible mash up that it’s all in the DHs favour, leaving his DW not knowing what’s going on from one month to the next.

I think making your account joint, you opening a new account for wages is the best way to go.
This way he can't reclaim his share.
If you sub him the second he pays cash in remove your overpayment.
The second he moans, tell him if he shows you his, you will show him yours.

I despair at those of you thinking the replies telling OP to make drastic changes or leave are sexist. You're clearly missing the part where her husband works yet refuses to contribute to the family home.

@Chrissyho I'm going to be blunt here, if you aren't prepared to consider leaving a man whose prepared to control you like this via your finances, your situation isn't going to change. You've allowed this behaviour to occur and just saying to him I'm not happy with this isn't going to make a blind difference. He'll know you're going to stay and it suits him for things to continue like this and you've already said about his attitude being vile when you've mentioned it to him before.
And fwiw a 'great dad' wouldn't let his kid's mother struggle to pay the bills/feed the kids/clothe the kids

I would sit down with him and give him a list of all your outgoings. Ask him what his income and outgoings are then decide between you what is a fair contribution from you both. So if you earn more you pay more.. maybe 60% you and 40% him then tell him he needs to transfer that to your account every month without fail. Change your bank details so he can't have access.

No one can help you OP until you see the reality.

In my experience people who hide their finances from a partner is down to two things.

1. They have a lot more money than you think and want to keep it for themselves for whatever reason thats in their head. or

1. They have a lot less money than you think and that may well include very heavy debt. In this scenario they are likely spending a lot of money on something they want to hide. Drugs , drinking , Gambling other people, sometimes bailing out family members or some other scenario.

The only way forward the is tenable for you , IMO is to have a 'drains up' conversation, this is best done again IMO in a neutral venue privately but in public. ( this can prevent tempers and emotions oiling over, and if they do boil over its better not to be in your house or with your child).

It is unlikely that trying to force your partner to comply to new ways will work, agreement is crucial and that agreement must be done with all relevant facts on the table.

I would think that this will take time and patience perhaps even setting out some sort of a timetable to get the thing done, again IMO its unlikely to be a once and done conversation.

Writing down your thoughts, issues, hopes and aspirations for yourself and the family will be helpful, that will help you keep your eye on what needs to be achieved rather than get drawn down rabbit holes which is very easy to do if you have no clear objectives. I would not share this at the start.

Have a really good idea of what you want out of your first discussion and i would suggest that this should be a realistic and achievable outcome. IE the next time we discuss this we need to have all aspects of our finances available and ready for joint discussion so that we can begin t agree a course of action.

It may be helpful after one or two discussions to get hime to write out his thoughts , issues , hopes and aspirations in the same manner.

If after all that you are in the same position , you will almost have no option but to go nuclear as it were,.

GL

It you want to stay with him, do this:

1. Tell him, and mean it, that he NEVER makes snide comments about your spending, ever
2. Find out what he is earning. If he is evasive, game over.
3. Work out a fair contribution, and stick to it - you need to decide what is fair though
4. Any money he gives to his family is fine - but it comes from his personal spends (see 3)
5. Remove his access to transfer money OUT of your account. WTAF????

I don’t think it’s wrong necessarily, btw, for you to carry him financially. As you said, he did it for you through uni, you did it for him when he was a SAHP. But it’s not a tit for tat - it depends on the situation. The situation here doesn’t suggest a good reason why you should financially carry him.

The problem here, is he lies about money. You need to get to the bottom of the why that is.
And brace yourself - those credit cards of his are probably bigger than you would guess. Or (and, maybe) he just doesn’t care - and selfishly just wants to keep his money. How are you going to feel about that?

He transfers money into your bank each month, but transfers at least some of it back to himself by the end of the month?? How does HE transfer money from YOUR bank?
Change your password immediately, get new cards from the bank and stop him from accessing YOUR money.
Better still, set up a joint account and both of you pay half into it to cover rent and bills etc.

Hit send too soon... if he transfers it back to his account, that will show you that he is NOT the BEST DAD EVER, as the best dad ever wouldn't risk the roof over his DCs heads by failing to ensure his half of the rent is paid.

Do you know how much debt he has?

The problem is that he has access to your account but you do not have access to his. That needs to change. Either you keep completely separate finances, or you go completely joint. If he refuses to do that, take him off your account so that he can't just help himself to funds.

Simple you stop access to your account. Change your log ins, etc. You say to him “until you agree to a joint account that we both pay into or give me access to your account as well, you won’t have access to mine to do what you please with. We are in a marriage, we both have to do our part not just me.” I can’t believe you want to stay with someone whose financialy abuses you though.

Poster: "I am getting robbed blind five days out of seven and my husband hides his cash,steals from me blind but he's soooooooo lovely! Help me politely ask to be robbed slightly less often" "Oh I have a child who I want to teach how to have disturbed perceptions of family roles and financial inequality"

The financial mess is part of your relationship, not some separate unrelated issue.

You can't fix a relationship solo.

See also sunk costs fallacy.

@Wingedharpy He has one credit card and one debit card. I have seen his account but since he is always in minus, what is the point? His debts total to £4,000.

So what's he racked up those debts on?

Would the best dad ever deliberately leave his child's mother short of money and worrying about bills?